Why did the chicken cross the road, according to...:

Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but
cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.

Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both
cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get
you 1.4999.

Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)

C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...

Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the
other side.

Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.

Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

COBOL Chicken :
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?

Colonel Sanders : I missed one?

Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?

Roseanne Barr : Urrrp. What chicken?

Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,
thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Aristotle : To actualize its potential.

B.F. Skinner : Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its
own free will.

Carl Jung : The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

David Hume : Out of custom and habit.

Douglas Adams : Forty-two.

Epicurus : For fun.

George Washington : Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.
But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the
duration.

Hamlet : Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of
outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of on coming
vehicles...

Johann Friedrich von Goethe : The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

John Constantine : Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side
of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

Julius Caesar : To come, to see, to conquer.

Ludwig Wittgenstein : The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Machiavelli : So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also
with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's
dominion maintained.

Malcolm X : Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.

Martin Luther King, Jr. : I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Martin Luther King : It had a dream.

Neil Armstrong : One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for
poultry.

Plato : For the greater good.

Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road.

Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of
which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Sisyphus : Was it pushing a rock, too?

The Sphinx : You tell me.

Hippocrates : Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

The Bible : And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the
road and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own
preservation.

Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

A Nun : It was a habit.
Special 2000 US Election Jokes:
SOUTH FLORIDA VOTER : The chickens were clearly confused as to where the
dotted yellow line was leading. The only other option was to cross the
line, so they did.

VICE PRESIDENT GORE : I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the
chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I
will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. Did I mention
that I invented roads?

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH : I don't believe we need to get the chickens
across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide.
The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get
across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN : I believe that every chicken has the right to worship
their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no
chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY : Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They
could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They
don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing
the road myself.

RALPH NADER : Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the
evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers
to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens.
And the rest...

Gerald R. Ford : It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its
forward momentum.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Joseph Stalin : I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omlette.

Karl Marx : It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2 : It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Darwin : It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Darwin 2: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross
roads.

George Bush : To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Lord Baden-Powell : To earn a road crossing Badge.

Margaret Thatcher : There was no alternative.

Oliver North : National Security was at stake.

Pat Buchanan : To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road.

Ronald Reagan : I don't recall.

Louis Farrakhan : The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

John Locke : Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

John Sununu : The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
opportunity.

President Clinton : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual
relations with that chicken.

Albert Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your point of view. The chicken did not
cross the road - it transcended it.
A Square: To get to the other side

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
tend to cross the road.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning
except to him.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological
explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct
evidence about the genetics of behaviour, and we do not know how to obtain
it for the specific behaviours that figure most prominently in
sociobiological speculation.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all
sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip
it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.

Immanuel Kant : The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the
road of his own free will.

Baldrick : It had a cunning plan.

Darth Vader : Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Fox Mulder : It was a government conspiracy.

Fox Mulder 2 : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Gilligan : The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If
not for the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost. The
chicken would be lost!

Scully : It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in
chickens.

Jerry Seinfeld : Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
ever think to ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over
the place anyway?

Mr. T : If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Dr. Seuss : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been
told!

Emily Dickinson : Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway : To die. In the rain.

Henry David Thoreau : To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life.

Mark Twain : The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Oliver Stone : The question is not, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'
but rather, 'Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked
in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?'

Ralph Waldo Emerson : It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Robert Frost : To reach the sidewalk less travelled by.

William Shakespeare : I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado

George Orwell : Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he
was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving
their interests.

.C.Escher : That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at
the time.

Salvador Dali : The Fish.

Werner Heisenberg : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.
L.A. Police Department : Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out.

Grandpa : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

Bill the Cat : Oops... Ack.