first let me explain my situation. Im an early 30`s obese man with bad exzema. Ive been married since 1999 to a loving but somewhat frigid woman. The weight & skin problems have always been a thorn in my side & I worry does she ever want me physicly. Now her; She is an introvert that gives you the idea that waking up for her mamkes her happy. Low maintnence, no , no maintnence. I think some men might read this & say "damn, what a woman'. but since i am a complete opposit with lots of passion & emotion let me tell u its not easy.

Ladies, she tells me things like "I like fat men'' but I know darn well she`s only telling me what she thinks I want to hear. She has always had an extreamly low libido & I am sure that I partly contribute to it. I dont have a facebook but I have an old myspace listed down on my signature. There are many pics of me when we got together, & I will say that when I looked like that women treated me different.

Is it true that an obese man can be attractive? Can you suggest a better way for me to communicate to her these issues. Put yorself in her shoes with this man with long term obesety & exzema so bad it has interfereed with keeping down a job.

I really love her so im open for any help even if its critisism. Or just ask me specific questions so I can better flesh this out, sorry im not a good writer & this is an abstract subject anyway.

Peace n Love, & thank u in advance.

When you say "frigid," how frigid are we talkin?

LadyCasanova said:

Well, it's pretty bold to ask us here and also post myspace links that aren't exactly keeping your true ID's secret. I'd be a little more careful about that... after all, this IS the internet...

On to your subject, my biggest question to you is how did you gain so quickly? It seems that in a matter of a few years you got larger so is there some health issue that has had an effect on you? If I were that concerned about my weight I'd immediately take steps to correct it through diet & exercise...

On the sexual side of things you say your wife is frigid but what are we to understand from that. She doesn't initiate? She doesn't do "stuff"? She just lays there? What are we to understand.

I wish you the best of luck in finding some answers that make sense to you and help you and yours. You seem to be a loving attractive couple so there shouldn't be anything in the way of you two gettin' your freak on...

I prefer sex with a healthy, spory man than sex with an obese man.

I think most women prefer a fit body to have sex with.

You know in that mediterranean photo of you, if you'd had a big moustache you could have looked like this:

Well first off, it sounds like you aren't happy with yourself which in turn is making you feel like you are unwanted by your wife. Have you been communicating with her to ask her how she truly feels? Not knowing the whole story, I just think that maybe the root cause of how you feel is because of how you feel about you.

Is there something else going on with you, stress, depression? As for the exzema, do you see a dermatologist about it? Are you eating right? Exercising?

You asked how an obese person could be attractive...well confidence is what will make you attractive and that starts with making yourself happy. If you were happy with your size and with yourself, I doubt you would even be asking us these questions in the first place.

[Edited 10/24/12 7:12am]

dJJ said:

I prefer sex with a healthy, spory man than sex with an obese man.

I think most women prefer a fit body to have sex with.

Meh, I wouldn't say most want to have sex with a fit body because I am really starting to think that most women don't give a shit about sex...period.

Anyway, of course some women like big men...or at least don't care if he is big. Just like some men are into fat women.

You need to tell her exactly how you feel and see what she says. Like I said, a lot of women don't even like sex so I wouldn't automatically assume she is turned off by you.

I’m not sure I understand what your issues are exactly. What I’m getting out of it is that you’d like to understand why you don’t have sex all that often now and how to get more in the future.

As for your specific question, absolutely women can find obese men attractive. And if your wife says she finds you attractive, I see no reason not to believe her.

As to how to communicate, you need to ask her for what you want. In plain language and in a non-threatening way. If she’s always had a low libido, that may just be something you have to deal with. If it’s recently changed, you’re going to have to ask about it.

As for what I would do if I had a husband who was obese with severe eczema?

I could totally deal as long as he was happy. You don’t sound happy. It’s important to me that my man be healthy, both physically and mentally. Are you doing everything you can to be healthy? Are you seeing a doctor for the eczema? Are you following his/her treatment plan and advice? If the first plans don’t work, are you seeking new options or a different doctor? We all have flaws and issues; it’s how we deal with them that makes the difference.

I think to have great sex you must be comfortable with your own body first. If you are worried about what you look like then that will be felt by her through your body language.

You need not worry about what others find sexy, it shouldn't matter anyways because nobody should be able to validate you and if you are looking for validation here (or anywhere else) then you are in trouble IMHO. People will always talk shit, always.... so its better to just focus on just what you really like and want and forget what others think about what is sexy. Find your own meaning for sexy and run with that.

As for me, I don't give a shit what people think about my body (I am obese).... if my parnter doesn't like my body he can kiss my ass and keep it moving. This mentality freed my mind and allows me to focus on just pleasing my partner instead of wanting to cover up and shrivel away when he gazes upon my "lumps and bumps". Confidence IS sexy and now that I am comfortable with me, I am a different animal in the bedroom and it helps me with a healthier mindset so I am not limiting myself and feeling depressed. A shy person is less willing to try new things and sex can fall into robotic routine and stagnancy.

Because of my mentality, I am having the best sex I ever had in my entire life despite looking like a walrus when I lay down. I will not shy from a fat guy, or skinny guy... I look at bodies differently now and am more accepting. Besides, it is the heart/personality of the guy and not what he looks like that matters most to me. I can look past any physical flaws if I love the guy.

So take a step back and do a checklist for yourself, it start with seeing a therapist (or a wise friend) who can help you to begin to take steps in guiding you to having a healthier mindset and eventually a healthier lifestyle. But you gotta start with the mind first. It is easier to overcome obstacles when you possess a postive mindset about yourself. Not saying you are negative or anything.

Oh, and my sex partner was the "Two-position ONLY King"..... he didn't even want me to move or thrust and he was old-fashioned .... he was not interested in any kind of oral stimulation (giving or receiving), but my confidence and my patience helped him open up and the sex eventually got better and better. We now have great sex and he's a damn freak, he loves the 69 position and loves isn't afraid to try new things now, people evolve, but only if you evolve first.

and one last thing..... with any woman, I do not care how frigid she is.... if you know how to turn her on and rev up her engine then she will want to have sex more often. Heck, just speaking from my own experience now, my guy will just see my "no" as "you gotta turn me on first" and we do it all the time when I initially try to get out of sex because he knows how to get me horny. Funny thing, I never felt beautiful naked until I knew him. He makes me feel pretty, and I never felt pretty when I was naked, not even when I was young and was at an ideal weight with firm tits, flat abs and a sweet ass. Ironic, I feel pretty now when I am in my 40's and obese, stretchmarks and all. It is because of how he treats me.... in the end that is all that matters anyways.

Oh and see a doctor about the eczema, could be from bad allergies or medications so taking care of that issue will help with the overall way you feel about yourself.

[Edited 10/24/12 9:12am]

[Edited 10/24/12 9:15am]

Monarch said:

first let me explain my situation. Im an early 30`s obese man with bad exzema. Ive been married since 1999 to a loving but somewhat frigid woman. The weight & skin problems have always been a thorn in my side & I worry does she ever want me physicly. Now her; She is an introvert that gives you the idea that waking up for her mamkes her happy. Low maintnence, no , no maintnence. I think some men might read this & say "damn, what a woman'. but since i am a complete opposit with lots of passion & emotion let me tell u its not easy.

Ladies, she tells me things like "I like fat men'' but I know darn well she`s only telling me what she thinks I want to hear. She has always had an extreamly low libido & I am sure that I partly contribute to it. I dont have a facebook but I have an old myspace listed down on my signature. There are many pics of me when we got together, & I will say that when I looked like that women treated me different.

Is it true that an obese man can be attractive? Can you suggest a better way for me to communicate to her these issues. Put yorself in her shoes with this man with long term obesety & exzema so bad it has interfereed with keeping down a job.

I really love her so im open for any help even if its critisism. Or just ask me specific questions so I can better flesh this out, sorry im not a good writer & this is an abstract subject anyway.

Peace n Love, & thank u in advance.

i dunno chris, seems like there are many layers to the issue. if you feel she is lying about your obesity and its effect on her libido, perhaps you could lose the extra weight. being able to move quickly and easily in bed really helps a lot, imo.

and if she is picking up on you defining her as 'comatose' in bed, perhaps she could work on expresing her needs a bit more actively, and let you know what pleases her.

good sex never really 'just happens', both people must be able to trust the other enough to really express what moves are turn ons and what moves are not. maybe you could watch some porn movies together and talk about what parts of the movie just make you wanna giggle, and what parts turn you both on.

also, there are videos about tantric sex which might help, if you want to go there. i hope you find the perfect middle grind, erm ground.

just my 2c

Fonkyman said:

paintedlady said:

I think to have great sex you must be comfortable with your own body first. If you are worried about what you look like then that will be felt by her through your body language.

You need not worry about what others find sexy, it shouldn't matter anyways because nobody should be able to validate you and if you are looking for validation here (or anywhere else) then you are in trouble IMHO. People will always talk shit, always.... so its better to just focus on just what you really like and want and forget what others think about what is sexy. Find your own meaning for sexy and run with that.

As for me, I don't give a shit what people think about my body (I am obese).... if my parnter doesn't like my body he can kiss my ass and keep it moving. This mentality freed my mind and allows me to focus on just pleasing my partner instead of wanting to cover up and shrivel away when he gazes upon my "lumps and bumps". Confidence IS sexy and now that I am comfortable with me, I am a different animal in the bedroom and it helps me with a healthier mindset so I am not limiting myself and feeling depressed. A shy person is less willing to try new things and sex can fall into robotic routine and stagnancy.

Because of my mentality, I am having the best sex I ever had in my entire life despite looking like a walrus when I lay down. I will not shy from a fat guy, or skinny guy... I look at bodies differently now and am more accepting. Besides, it is the heart/personality of the guy and not what he looks like that matters most to me. I can look past any physical flaws if I love the guy.

So take a step back and do a checklist for yourself, it start with seeing a therapist (or a wise friend) who can help you to begin to take steps in guiding you to having a healthier mindset and eventually a healthier lifestyle. But you gotta start with the mind first. It is easier to overcome obstacles when you possess a postive mindset about yourself. Not saying you are negative or anything.

Oh, and my sex partner was the "Two-position ONLY King"..... he didn't even want me to move or thrust and he was old-fashioned .... he was not interested in any kind of oral stimulation (giving or receiving), but my confidence and my patience helped him open up and the sex eventually got better and better. We now have great sex and he's a damn freak, he loves the 69 position and loves isn't afraid to try new things now, people evolve, but only if you evolve first.

and one last thing..... with any woman, I do not care how frigid she is.... if you know how to turn her on and rev up her engine then she will want to have sex more often. Heck, just speaking from my own experience now, my guy will just see my "no" as "you gotta turn me on first" and we do it all the time when I initially try to get out of sex because he knows how to get me horny. Funny thing, I never felt beautiful naked until I knew him. He makes me feel pretty, and I never felt pretty when I was naked, not even when I was young and was at an ideal weight with firm tits, flat abs and a sweet ass. Ironic, I feel pretty now when I am in my 40's and obese, stretchmarks and all. It is because of how he treats me.... in the end that is all that matters anyways.

Oh and see a doctor about the eczema, could be from bad allergies or medications so taking care of that issue will help with the overall way you feel about yourself.

[Edited 10/24/12 9:12am]

[Edited 10/24/12 9:15am]

I love this whole story! I just love you to death!! The bolded part is beautiful..

paintedlady said:

I think to have great sex you must be comfortable with your own body first. If you are worried about what you look like then that will be felt by her through your body language.

You need not worry about what others find sexy, it shouldn't matter anyways because nobody should be able to validate you and if you are looking for validation here (or anywhere else) then you are in trouble IMHO. People will always talk shit, always.... so its better to just focus on just what you really like and want and forget what others think about what is sexy. Find your own meaning for sexy and run with that.

As for me, I don't give a shit what people think about my body (I am obese).... if my parnter doesn't like my body he can kiss my ass and keep it moving. This mentality freed my mind and allows me to focus on just pleasing my partner instead of wanting to cover up and shrivel away when he gazes upon my "lumps and bumps". Confidence IS sexy and now that I am comfortable with me, I am a different animal in the bedroom and it helps me with a healthier mindset so I am not limiting myself and feeling depressed. A shy person is less willing to try new things and sex can fall into robotic routine and stagnancy.

Because of my mentality, I am having the best sex I ever had in my entire life despite looking like a walrus when I lay down. I will not shy from a fat guy, or skinny guy... I look at bodies differently now and am more accepting. Besides, it is the heart/personality of the guy and not what he looks like that matters most to me. I can look past any physical flaws if I love the guy.

So take a step back and do a checklist for yourself, it start with seeing a therapist (or a wise friend) who can help you to begin to take steps in guiding you to having a healthier mindset and eventually a healthier lifestyle. But you gotta start with the mind first. It is easier to overcome obstacles when you possess a postive mindset about yourself. Not saying you are negative or anything.

Oh, and my sex partner was the "Two-position ONLY King"..... he didn't even want me to move or thrust and he was old-fashioned .... he was not interested in any kind of oral stimulation (giving or receiving), but my confidence and my patience helped him open up and the sex eventually got better and better. We now have great sex and he's a damn freak, he loves the 69 position and loves isn't afraid to try new things now, people evolve, but only if you evolve first.

and one last thing..... with any woman, I do not care how frigid she is.... if you know how to turn her on and rev up her engine then she will want to have sex more often. Heck, just speaking from my own experience now, my guy will just see my "no" as "you gotta turn me on first" and we do it all the time when I initially try to get out of sex because he knows how to get me horny. Funny thing, I never felt beautiful naked until I knew him. He makes me feel pretty, and I never felt pretty when I was naked, not even when I was young and was at an ideal weight with firm tits, flat abs and a sweet ass. Ironic, I feel pretty now when I am in my 40's and obese, stretchmarks and all. It is because of how he treats me.... in the end that is all that matters anyways.

Oh and see a doctor about the eczema, could be from bad allergies or medications so taking care of that issue will help with the overall way you feel about yourself.

[Edited 10/24/12 9:12am]

[Edited 10/24/12 9:15am]

Ah!! There she is... all o' that!!

tinaz said:

paintedlady said:

I think to have great sex you must be comfortable with your own body first. If you are worried about what you look like then that will be felt by her through your body language.

You need not worry about what others find sexy, it shouldn't matter anyways because nobody should be able to validate you and if you are looking for validation here (or anywhere else) then you are in trouble IMHO. People will always talk shit, always.... so its better to just focus on just what you really like and want and forget what others think about what is sexy. Find your own meaning for sexy and run with that.

As for me, I don't give a shit what people think about my body (I am obese).... if my parnter doesn't like my body he can kiss my ass and keep it moving. This mentality freed my mind and allows me to focus on just pleasing my partner instead of wanting to cover up and shrivel away when he gazes upon my "lumps and bumps". Confidence IS sexy and now that I am comfortable with me, I am a different animal in the bedroom and it helps me with a healthier mindset so I am not limiting myself and feeling depressed. A shy person is less willing to try new things and sex can fall into robotic routine and stagnancy.

Because of my mentality, I am having the best sex I ever had in my entire life despite looking like a walrus when I lay down. I will not shy from a fat guy, or skinny guy... I look at bodies differently now and am more accepting. Besides, it is the heart/personality of the guy and not what he looks like that matters most to me. I can look past any physical flaws if I love the guy.

So take a step back and do a checklist for yourself, it start with seeing a therapist (or a wise friend) who can help you to begin to take steps in guiding you to having a healthier mindset and eventually a healthier lifestyle. But you gotta start with the mind first. It is easier to overcome obstacles when you possess a postive mindset about yourself. Not saying you are negative or anything.

Oh, and my sex partner was the "Two-position ONLY King"..... he didn't even want me to move or thrust and he was old-fashioned .... he was not interested in any kind of oral stimulation (giving or receiving), but my confidence and my patience helped him open up and the sex eventually got better and better. We now have great sex and he's a damn freak, he loves the 69 position and loves isn't afraid to try new things now, people evolve, but only if you evolve first.

and one last thing..... with any woman, I do not care how frigid she is.... if you know how to turn her on and rev up her engine then she will want to have sex more often. Heck, just speaking from my own experience now, my guy will just see my "no" as "you gotta turn me on first" and we do it all the time when I initially try to get out of sex because he knows how to get me horny. Funny thing, I never felt beautiful naked until I knew him. He makes me feel pretty, and I never felt pretty when I was naked, not even when I was young and was at an ideal weight with firm tits, flat abs and a sweet ass. Ironic, I feel pretty now when I am in my 40's and obese, stretchmarks and all. It is because of how he treats me.... in the end that is all that matters anyways.

Oh and see a doctor about the eczema, could be from bad allergies or medications so taking care of that issue will help with the overall way you feel about yourself.

[Edited 10/24/12 9:12am]

[Edited 10/24/12 9:15am]

I love this whole story! I just love you to death!! The bolded part is beautiful..

gotta reach for a hanky.

missfee said:

Well first off, it sounds like you aren't happy with yourself which in turn is making you feel like you are unwanted by your wife. Have you been communicating with her to ask her how she truly feels? Not knowing the whole story, I just think that maybe the root cause of how you feel is because of how you feel about you.

Is there something else going on with you, stress, depression? As for the exzema, do you see a dermatologist about it? Are you eating right? Exercising?

You asked how an obese person could be attractive...well confidence is what will make you attractive and that starts with making yourself happy. If you were happy with your size and with yourself, I doubt you would even be asking us these questions in the first place.

[Edited 10/24/12 7:12am]

There's your answer. Being unhappy and insecure is way less attractive than some physical imperfections.

Doing something for yourself that makes you more happy and confident--whether it's losing weight, getting a new job, pursuing an interest, etc--is going to make you more attractive

paintedlady said:

I think to have great sex you must be comfortable with your own body first. If you are worried about what you look like then that will be felt by her through your body language.

You need not worry about what others find sexy, it shouldn't matter anyways because nobody should be able to validate you and if you are looking for validation here (or anywhere else) then you are in trouble IMHO. People will always talk shit, always.... so its better to just focus on just what you really like and want and forget what others think about what is sexy. Find your own meaning for sexy and run with that.

As for me, I don't give a shit what people think about my body (I am obese).... if my parnter doesn't like my body he can kiss my ass and keep it moving. This mentality freed my mind and allows me to focus on just pleasing my partner instead of wanting to cover up and shrivel away when he gazes upon my "lumps and bumps". Confidence IS sexy and now that I am comfortable with me, I am a different animal in the bedroom and it helps me with a healthier mindset so I am not limiting myself and feeling depressed. A shy person is less willing to try new things and sex can fall into robotic routine and stagnancy.

Because of my mentality, I am having the best sex I ever had in my entire life despite looking like a walrus when I lay down. I will not shy from a fat guy, or skinny guy... I look at bodies differently now and am more accepting. Besides, it is the heart/personality of the guy and not what he looks like that matters most to me. I can look past any physical flaws if I love the guy.

So take a step back and do a checklist for yourself, it start with seeing a therapist (or a wise friend) who can help you to begin to take steps in guiding you to having a healthier mindset and eventually a healthier lifestyle. But you gotta start with the mind first. It is easier to overcome obstacles when you possess a postive mindset about yourself. Not saying you are negative or anything.

Oh, and my sex partner was the "Two-position ONLY King"..... he didn't even want me to move or thrust and he was old-fashioned .... he was not interested in any kind of oral stimulation (giving or receiving), but my confidence and my patience helped him open up and the sex eventually got better and better. We now have great sex and he's a damn freak, he loves the 69 position and loves isn't afraid to try new things now, people evolve, but only if you evolve first.

and one last thing..... with any woman, I do not care how frigid she is.... if you know how to turn her on and rev up her engine then she will want to have sex more often. Heck, just speaking from my own experience now, my guy will just see my "no" as "you gotta turn me on first" and we do it all the time when I initially try to get out of sex because he knows how to get me horny. Funny thing, I never felt beautiful naked until I knew him. He makes me feel pretty, and I never felt pretty when I was naked, not even when I was young and was at an ideal weight with firm tits, flat abs and a sweet ass. Ironic, I feel pretty now when I am in my 40's and obese, stretchmarks and all. It is because of how he treats me.... in the end that is all that matters anyways.

Oh and see a doctor about the eczema, could be from bad allergies or medications so taking care of that issue will help with the overall way you feel about yourself.

This is one of the best things I've ever read on the org !!!

I love all you guys to pieces

x's infinity

I hope our new friend Monarch gets all his (?) needs met and gets the answers he needs moving forward.

Seriously, you guys are awesome