___

URETHRA - Jan 1st - Jan 26th

All you Urethrans out there are in for a special time with a person who's name begins with 'D'. Hold off on buying those new shoes as you may soon be experiencing a horrifying accident in which you may lose a leg.
Lucky Fruit - Mango

FUKWIT - Jan 27th - Feb 15th

If you're a Fukwit like Haystack, you can expect a HUGE lottery win in the near future and sex with a large amount of people who you really fancy at a place special to your heart.
Lucky Madonna Album - Bedtime Stories

MORPHINE - Feb 16th - April 24th

Beware of ostriches around the 12th of this month as not everything is always what it seems. Wear red for love luck as you enter a grocery store.
Lucky Surname - Hudson

PYROMANIAC - April 25th - May 30th

That special person looks likely to be coming out of intensive care on friday, so wear gingham for their first glimpse of you since the 'accident'. Love luck is linked to the person who offers you some used condoms.
Lucky Garment - Bra

ORGASM - May 31st - July 17th

Orgasms are usually among the luckiest people in the whole zodiac. So it seems odd that you can expect something extremely horrible happening to you around the 21st of this month. Wear something bright to avoid vehicles - if you know what I mean.
Lucky Singer - Dolly Parton

FORNICATOR - July 18th - August 31st

The sound of a bell ringing is linked to cash luck. A secret search through the diary belonging to 'L' will enable you to find out just who's been cheating on you.
Lucky Vegetable - Cabbage

CLAUSTROPHOBIA - September 1st - October 10th

Don't ignore that pain that you've recently been feeling in your chest, sometimes optimism isn't good for you. It's true that 'S' holds special feelings towards you, so be careful to not let them down too hard - or just tell them to fuck off. One way or the other they'll get the picture.
Lucky Planet - Jupiter

PRICTEES - October 11th - October 12th

Something truly horrible is going to happen to you very soon. I mean it, it's not going to be nice but you CAN stop it by calling my ZodiacLine now on 0800 53533535534454355. Calls are charged at $450 per minute - average call length is 7 minutes.
Lucky Tree - Oak

MAMMARY - October 13th - October 31st

You keep telling yourself that your partner isn't cheating on you, but I can tell you that he/she IS. Cash luck is linked to spotting a collapsed old lady in the street with a purse full of notes and no-one else around to see you.
Lucky Rude Word - Fuck

RHOMBUS - November 1st - November 28th

There's only so much banging your head against walls that you can do, so it's a good idea to stop chasing that dream that you'll never achieve. Your teeth may well start to drop out soon, but then again they may not. Destiny sees your house being burgled.
Lucky Murder Weapon - Chainsaw

REPRINT - November 29th - December 18th

You're going to die tomorrow. So your future isn't looking so bright.
Lucky Small Creature - Gerbil

SPLEEN - December 19th - December 31st

Still annoyed about only getting one lot of presents around Christmas time? Well don't be. Saturn is currently surrounding Uranus, resulting in really old horoscope-related jokes and an erotic come-on from 'R'. Destiny sees you winning a Dungeons and Dragons related quiz and becoming the laughing-stock of all your friends.
Lucky Game - Monopoly

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

So, which are you?

Haystack said:

i'm a reprint.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Oops

Haystack said:

me and the other reprints will come back 2 haunt u.

So glad I am an orgasm

I'm a MORPHINE

Damn ostriches...I knew they were out to get me!

"RHOMBUS - November 1st - November 28th

There's only so much banging your head against walls that you can do, so it's a good idea to stop chasing that dream that you'll never achieve. Your teeth may well start to drop out soon, but then again they may not. Destiny sees your house being burgled.
Lucky Murder Weapon - Chainsaw"~~~Haystack


Haystack, I'm more of a coca-cola bottle shape, actually...lol

Yes, I've been thinking of the possibility of starting a catering business someday...I believe I will, too...I've learned and am still learning to be a better cook, and I've got that much at the very least, tho I do believe I'll find persons who'll want to pay me to eat my cooking, eventually.

...Regular visits to the dentist every year since forever---so, my teeth are and look just fine! I can see them sitting in their cup from here. j/k! I am kidding!

And, to that burglar---this joint is wired with a Keyth security system.

I like this Horrorscope better:

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick


Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to reaize that every single one of these is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today

From Your Horoscope For Today by "Weird" Al Yankovic

Inspired by Ian's thread inspired by my threads getting lots of inspired views but no inspired responses, I was inspired to bump this thread back up because not many people were inspired to reply to it and I was inspired to take 10 minutes of my time to write it.

Oh, and I liked JediMaster's alternative horoscope.

Looks like I'm a 'Fornicator'...who'da guessed... 8)

wellbeyond said:

So am I.

Aerogram said:

We 'Fornicators' are the shizzies, ain't we??...