MacDaddy said:

SeventeenDayze said:

It would be nice to hear from Orgers who have been single and married (even divorced) to hear what they have to say about it. I think all of you have made great comments. I guess I'm thinking a time limit would be good so that I can make a decision to just shift gears and deal with it

Why do you need other people's opinion to make a decision?

Anyway, my two cents: if you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship nor will you be happy on your own.

This

I've been married for a long time and now i'm single for a long time...and i know now you first have to learn to be happy with yourself.

If it's a happy, fullfilling marriage, there is nothing better.

MacDaddy said:

SeventeenDayze said:

It would be nice to hear from Orgers who have been single and married (even divorced) to hear what they have to say about it. I think all of you have made great comments. I guess I'm thinking a time limit would be good so that I can make a decision to just shift gears and deal with it

Why do you need other people's opinion to make a decision?

Anyway, my two cents: if you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship nor will you be happy on your own.

I also agree that no one will respect me if I can't have self-respect and high self-esteem, that's why I know I won't benefit from a relationship at this point, even if I do have some void at times

SeventeenDayze said:

Serious said:

I was never married, but I had a 17 year long relationship and I am now in another relationship that is pretty difficult for a lot of reasons and I very much prefer being in a relationship to being single. For me being with soembody you love is what makes life worth living. Having friends and family can never make up for not having a person you love and who loves you at your side IMO.

You're right about the fact that friends and family can't always fill in those gaps. I live several states away from my family and on top of that when I lived in the same city (even under the same roof) it still felt like I was miles away. There are rumors in my family going around that my mom is moving in with some guy off the internet that she's only met a handful of times. She's moving but she won't tell us where she's moving to, it's really F'd up.

I think if it weren't for the fact that my family life has been and probably forever will be F'd up, I wouldn't think about "love" too much but I guess I am getting tired of running this race in life alone...

I know that feeling too well, I hope you will find the right one for you !

Being career focused helps a lot

alphastreet said:

Being career focused helps a lot

Yeah I've been told I'm a workaholic and ambitious, so staying busy helps

i've been married now for over 9 years, and i have to say for me being married is way better than being single. i feel my life is full now that i am a wife and a mother. before i felt so lost with myself.

SeventeenDayze said:

alphastreet said:

Being career focused helps a lot

Yeah I've been told I'm a workaholic and ambitious, so staying busy helps

yeah I guess I can call myself a workaholic, but my ambitions change everyday and by the minute, I'm always formulating multiple long term plans, and learning what suits me and what doesn't

I found an old cover letter for my first job after grad and nearly started to cry, I sounded so convincing in it, but didn't live up to it :*( and felt like a horrible person, like I lied though I didn't think I was at the time....I think I know what I like better now though I'm sure that can change too.

SeventeenDayze said:

I think if I'm still single by my birthday next year I am going to throw in the towel and accept that I will never marry. I am actually kind of okay with putting a limit on myself and then changing my focus on accepting singlehood. But, what do you all think? Is it better to be married or single?

I have lived and traveled all over the world and met many different types of guys, so I have an idea of what I want. There is one guy that I really admire but he's already taken, so I just have to like him from a distance and accept that he's not available, which really sucks.

What do you guys think?

This topic is coming up here twice a month, so it must really keep your mind busy. Lemme tell you story and see what you think about that: This week I was in a copy shop, and there was somebody else making hundreds of copies. It wasn't the copies that struck my attention though, but the person who was very, very attractive. The kinda situation that happens not so often, that you walk to a random ass shop and you think "wow!". So, while I was kinda seizing up that person, I glanced at copies the person was making. It turned out they were wedding invitations/menus etc...so we began talking, and I was told the wedding is in couple of days.

I left laughin.

OzlemUcucu said:

So, while I was kinda seizing up that person...

they must have been really hot!

NDRU said:

OzlemUcucu said:

So, while I was kinda seizing up that person...

they must have been really hot!

Not really, not hot whatsoever, just the kinda person that I'd usually feel attracted to. However, I was informed about 10 minutes later that the wedding is on in 2 days. I can't even explain how strange it felt.

OzlemUcucu said:

NDRU said:

they must have been really hot!

Not really, not hot whatsoever, just the kinda person that I'd usually feel attracted to. However, I was informed about 10 minutes later that the wedding is on in 2 days. I can't even explain how strange it felt.

Ha, now that's funny. I'd imagine that the person probably went years before anyone flirted with them, now that they are getting married all the suitors come out from the shadows

Whenever I come out of the shadows as a suitor, they always end up running away screaming.

OzlemUcucu said:

NDRU said:

they must have been really hot!

Not really, not hot whatsoever, just the kinda person that I'd usually feel attracted to. However, I was informed about 10 minutes later that the wedding is on in 2 days. I can't even explain how strange it felt.

Just joking because you said you were "seizing them up,"

But imagine how they felt. Probably no attractive woman ever came up to them before they got engaged!

It depends on what day you ask me.

Today, I prefer being married. Ask me a week from now.

Yeah, its fluid like that.

Hard question.

There are DEFINITE pros and cons to BOTH situations.

I was married 14 years, and let me tell you, the cons can be overwhelming. Pros? A united front against the shit life throws at you, starting a family, having that person at your side 24/7 whom you (hopefully) love and confide in wholeheartedly. Financially, it's probably better because there are tax benefits to being married (in the USA) and you hopefully have 2 incomes to buy that home or whatever.

Single life? I haven't been single since I was in college (and broke).

While it's awesome to be able to come & go as I please, without having to answer to anyone, the loneliness took some getting used to. Dating is stressful and EXPENSIVE. I can't imagine being a serial dater (as a guy). Financially, it's almost a windfall. I have my kids to support, of course, but with my temporary living situation, I'm paying little rent (no utilities) so I have money to play with. I can focus on MYSELF and buy/do things for ME, without worrying about that "other person".

So...it's a give & take for me with both scenarious.

At the end of the day, I've learned alot about myself these past 20 years. If I find someone that I get serious with, I won't repeat the same mistakes from before, so if it leads to marriage HOPEFULLY it will be a more solid relationship and I can later say "marriage is the best".

^^^ Great response.

As for me, I can't say if it's better to be married because I've never been married. I'm currently single and while I can say that most of the time I enjoy it because I don't have to worry about being questioned about this or that, I can pick up and go when I want since I have no kids and can pretty much don't have to make "me time" because I have it all the time.

That's not to say that I don't want to be in a relationship though. Sometimes I do wish I had that special man in my life to share my life with, who at the end of the day has a good understanding and acceptance of who I am and vice versa, but I haven't yet. I'm not giving up, but I'm not going around looking for it either. I think I would drive myself nuts if I did. So in the meanwhile, until I meet that special guy, I'm enjoying ALL of the things that I like to do and then some. It's great too, because in the past two years of being single and not in a relationship, I've had some time to learn about myself, the mistakes I've made in the past and what I clearly want in a relationship in the future. I can honestly say that I've had time to appreciate myself and acknowledge that I'm happy with the person that I am, whereas in the past, I really wasn't too sure of myself.

I've not been married, but I have lived with someone for a decade, so I feel like I've been virtually married.

The nice thing is the stability that it brings. You feel like you have a foundation. It gives you confidence and fewer lonely, desperate nights. It costs a lot less to share a place than to have your own.

The shitty thing is the lack of freedom. Not just to stay out all night, but for an insecure person like me, living with someone makes me scared to try new things for fear that I will be judged or laughed at or whatever--even though that is ridiculous and totally in my head.

For the moment? I live alone, and I really like it. That may change. In fact, it probably will change!

NDRU said:

I've not been married, but I have lived with someone for a decade, so I feel like I've been virtually married.

The nice thing is the stability that it brings. You feel like you have a foundation. It gives you confidence and fewer lonely, desperate nights. It costs a lot less to share a place than to have your own.

The shitty thing is the lack of freedom. Not just to stay out all night, but for an insecure person like me, living with someone makes me scared to try new things for fear that I will be judged or laughed at or whatever--even though that is ridiculous and totally in my head.

For the moment? I live alone, and I really like it. That may change. In fact, it probably will change!

Maybe it's a good idea to marry a guy then you decide to buy two houses that are right next to each other. When you want to visit each other you can, when you need space you can leave and go next door. How does that sound?

^ That's the only way marriage would work for me.

I'm hearing more couples are beginning to sleep in seperate rooms....I really think someone like me would want that if I ever succumbed to the big M. It may sound selfish, but I would really want my space sometimes to keep my sanity in check.

I'd want separate homes. I really don't want anyone around me for long periods of time, even family. And the last thing I need is her relatives and friends in my space.

alphastreet said:

I'm hearing more couples are beginning to sleep in seperate rooms....I really think someone like me would want that if I ever succumbed to the big M. It may sound selfish, but I would really want my space sometimes to keep my sanity in check.

I read something from the NY Times I think a few years agot about married couples who choose to live apart and they say it works for them.

SeventeenDayze said:

alphastreet said:

I'm hearing more couples are beginning to sleep in separate rooms....I really think someone like me would want that if I ever succumbed to the big M. It may sound selfish, but I would really want my space sometimes to keep my sanity in check.

I read something from the NY Times I think a few years agot about married couples who choose to live apart and they say it works for them.

Seriously, why bother being married?

The day a couple decides they need to live apart, someone should get some balls and file for a divorce. (IMO) This coming from a loner.

TD3 said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I read something from the NY Times I think a few years agot about married couples who choose to live apart and they say it works for them.

Seriously, why bother being married?

The day a couple decides they need to live apart, someone should get some balls and file for a divorce. (IMO) This coming from a loner.

LOL@ coming from a loner. Yeah it was a pretty strange article

I just haven't found the right late 30s/early 40s-ish, white dude who is heterosexual, employed and has ambitions in life and is the same religion/faith as I am.....

yeah then i prefer no marriage or commitment

SuperSoulFighter said:

SeventeenDaze, is any of this really helping you?

Of course it is! Is any of this helping you?