I'll spare you the details of my personal situation, but it's safe to assume it's pretty dire since I'm on here in the middle of the night posing this question.

So do you guys know any sure-fire methods to win someone back? What has worked for you? What should you never do?

You have to see what issues both of you had that split you up in the first place.

It is best not to get back together till issues are resolved via counselling for example.

Why do you want them back?

hmmm.

One of my exes and I had been on-again/off-again for the longest time, sometimes her breaking it and sometimes me.

But, I'd say it's the only relationship I've ever had that sort of went like that. I don't think we were ever in love, but just young and seeking.

As far as all my other relationships, well....I don't think you can 'win' back your ex. I hate to say it, but I really don't. Unless they broke up with you to punish you for something or because you hurt them, then chances are they broke up with you because they've moved on.

I guess it depends on the situation. My breakups have always been because one of us has moved on. In which case, there is no winning back.

An honest open communication about your feelings about her (without getting overtly emotionally-that's relationship kryptonite.) Be straight forward yet casual about this opportunity. If it doesn't seem to be a two way street, move on.

Be careful: What ever broke you two up in the first place, if not resolved, will spring up again with perhaps resentment.

We broke up because according to her, I'm "emotionally distant." She also complained that I wanted everything to be on my terms and that I didn't take enough initiative for us to spend time together or show her that I care. Plus, she suspects that there was someone else.

All of that is true of course, except there wasn't anybody else. I was hurt years ago by a different woman and since then, I've treated most others with a cool detatchment. That way, when the relationships ran their course, it was easy to walk away clean. I treated this woman the same way in the beginning, but she was so good to me and so persistent that she apparently broke through the wall I had built around my heart.

Still, I guess I fought her until the end or until she got fed up and broke things off completely about a week ago. Now, she's all I think about and I feel like I could be a better man if she let me. But, she won't even talk to me.

Let it go.

I'm not kidding. Let it go. You should internalize your thoughts and begin to repair the damage caused by previous experiences. You fucked this one up because your ego was dead-set on making itself known. This petulant attitude of "I've been hurt so now I'm going to hide my toys so you can't see them, but still beg and plead for your companionship" is a sign that you need to work on yourself more.

And there is no partner - none - that is worth the chasing around. Fantasy romance stories you see on TV or in the movies don't really happen and when they are retold to you from the persepctive of a real life person's experience, they are glossing over the ugly bits that still exist.

Find out what you need to be happy were you to be forever alone. I'm not kidding. Start there. Surround your life with reasons to be independent. Don't even focus on companionship. Saying you are already at that point in your life is just wrong because, well, here you are. On the org. With your tail between your legs.

Tell your ego to take a seat, do what you need to do to be happy without another person's approval, and then go find someone who respect's your strength and identity. Someone you won't have to be misunderstood by at such a level as the past women.

The ball is in her court-but you could admit this (info above you mentioned)to her at some point. But you also must have a plan of action to change. A list of things that you will change to make a relationship with you more effective for her and in the long term for both of you.

It may not be over yet, but you will have to change.

Besides, if you want your life to change, how do you expect it to change when you wont?

Big gestures with changes might get her attention, but you changing is the only thing that is going to keep it working.

Be sure she is what you want, and be damn sure that you are what you think she needs. Because if you don't think she needs you-then she doesn't. You don't want to lead her on. Basically, if you are no good for her and you love her, let her go.

Spinlight said:

Let it go.

I'm not kidding. Let it go. You should internalize your thoughts and begin to repair the damage caused by previous experiences. You fucked this one up because your ego was dead-set on making itself known. This petulant attitude of "I've been hurt so now I'm going to hide my toys so you can't see them, but still beg and plead for your companionship" is a sign that you need to work on yourself more.

And there is no partner - none - that is worth the chasing around. Fantasy romance stories you see on TV or in the movies don't really happen and when they are retold to you from the persepctive of a real life person's experience, they are glossing over the ugly bits that still exist.

Find out what you need to be happy were you to be forever alone. I'm not kidding. Start there. Surround your life with reasons to be independent. Don't even focus on companionship. Saying you are already at that point in your life is just wrong because, well, here you are. On the org. With your tail between your legs.

Tell your ego to take a seat, do what you need to do to be happy without another person's approval, and then go find someone who respect's your strength and identity. Someone you won't have to be misunderstood by at such a level as the past women.

I agree with all of this.

Wow, thanks for the responses. Y'all can be deep when you want to be! I was thinking of making some grand gesture along the lines of the boom box scene in Say Anything. But you've given me some things to think about.

I can say that for once in a long time, I do have good intentions toward this woman. Although I admit, it would be impossible for me to do a complete 180, I can do a lot better. I just didn't want take the risk of falling for her and getting hurt again, but as Spinlight pointed out, here I am with my tail between my legs. So I figure since the feelings are already there, I may as well explore what could be a great relationship. Unfortunately, it took her leaving for me to come to get to this point.

I've told her some of this, but she has not responded and I don't want to seem like a psycho or anything by pressing the issue. Perhaps leaving the ball in her court is the best way for now. I'm just scared she's going to move on if I give her too much space.

xpertluva said:

Wow, thanks for the responses. Y'all can be deep when you want to be! I was thinking of making some grand gesture along the lines of the boom box scene in Say Anything. But you've given me some things to think about.

I can say that for once in a long time, I do have good intentions toward this woman. Although I admit, it would be impossible for me to do a complete 180, I can do a lot better. I just didn't want take the risk of falling for her and getting hurt again, but as Spinlight pointed out, here I am with my tail between my legs. So I figure since the feelings are already there, I may as well explore what could be a great relationship. Unfortunately, it took her leaving for me to come to get to this point.

I've told her some of this, but she has not responded and I don't want to seem like a psycho or anything by pressing the issue. Perhaps leaving the ball in her court is the best way for now. I'm just scared she's going to move on if I give her too much space.

You have to forgive yourself. Really, it's just your insides wanting to correct the impression you gave off. You're trying to make it up to yourself. She gut-checked you by taking your inventory and this has hurt your pride because, really, she was right. You were totally emotionally distant and there -was- someone else: the previous girl. When you hold onto the damage from previous relationships and hold your heart over the next one's head, passive-aggressively trying to make them pay for past wrongs, you are not focused on the next one at all. You're still grieving.

Now you see where the grieving gets you and you want to make amends. Try making amends with yourself first. I don't know the exact time table here, but for a longterm relationship I would say give yourself a year. Why a year? Because it's long enough to forget someone and fall out of habits and if you end up continuing to "miss" the other person or companionship, you can say to yourself "It's been a whole fucking year, move on!"

Before you enter into a relationship, you need to be as free and clear of past indemnities as possible. You want the last relationship to be a distant thing of the past. You need to be able to respect yourself enough to know that you are worth the time and effort spent on loving and being loved. And lemme tell ya something - she's never going to not know what you did. And what you are capable of. And how you act. And your nature. So on and so forth. You will never wipe the slate clean - you'll just promise to not make the same mistakes twice.

Sounds like you just want to be on the hook. Forgive yourself.

Try seeking counsel from an expert lover.
Oh, wait......

Spinlight said:

Let it go.

I'm not kidding. Let it go. You should internalize your thoughts and begin to repair the damage caused by previous experiences. You fucked this one up because your ego was dead-set on making itself known. This petulant attitude of "I've been hurt so now I'm going to hide my toys so you can't see them, but still beg and plead for your companionship" is a sign that you need to work on yourself more.

And there is no partner - none - that is worth the chasing around. Fantasy romance stories you see on TV or in the movies don't really happen and when they are retold to you from the persepctive of a real life person's experience, they are glossing over the ugly bits that still exist.

Find out what you need to be happy were you to be forever alone. I'm not kidding. Start there. Surround your life with reasons to be independent. Don't even focus on companionship. Saying you are already at that point in your life is just wrong because, well, here you are. On the org. With your tail between your legs.

Tell your ego to take a seat, do what you need to do to be happy without another person's approval, and then go find someone who respect's your strength and identity. Someone you won't have to be misunderstood by at such a level as the past women.

mmm...

if you wanna "win" back your ex that means you're the one who wants to start all over again, so...

perhaps you should think about all the things that made her abandon you in the first place, then you should make a conscious effort to erase those flaws/mistakes, and finally make her understand that you're were wrong/you're sorry and a different/better person now

I can't think of anything else; perhaps this will need a couple (or more) weeks, don't rush/blow it

good luck

[Edited 8/5/12 5:57am]

don't write a whole bunch of crazy letters or blog posts directed at them, that's for sure.

Impress them with your musical talent.

Sounds like an rebound relationship to begin with.

Visionnaire said:

Try seeking counsel from an expert lover.
Oh, wait......

I didn't realize the irony. Well, in my defense, I never heard any complaints from her in the bedroom.

Seriously, I've decided to give it at least a few weeks before making one last plea. I'll be 37 y/o in a couple of weeks and women like her (smart, funny, pretty, no kids, passionate, committed...) don't come around everyday, so I feel I owe it to myself not to give up so easily. The ex I mentioned who broke my heart was over 10 years ago, so I'm over her. Any work that needs to be done is on myself. I'm prepared for the possibility that it may be too late for reconciliation though.

Thanks again for the comments. I think writing about it has been somewhat theraputic.

To 'win' back my ex I would have to kill his family.

Pretty simple really.

Stalk them without mercy til they give in. Or get some Rohypnol

.

[Edited 8/6/12 6:40am]

Abscence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.

You are experiencing it, hopefully she is as well.

Try to learn from your mistakes and reach out to her, without begging.

If she is for you, she will respond in kind.

(Of course, I have no fucking clue as to what I'm talking about, so take it with a grain of salt...)

xpertluva said:

We broke up because according to her, I'm "emotionally distant." She also complained that I wanted everything to be on my terms and that I didn't take enough initiative for us to spend time together or show her that I care. Plus, she suspects that there was someone else.

All of that is true of course, except there wasn't anybody else. I was hurt years ago by a different woman and since then, I've treated most others with a cool detatchment. That way, when the relationships ran their course, it was easy to walk away clean. I treated this woman the same way in the beginning, but she was so good to me and so persistent that she apparently broke through the wall I had built around my heart.

Still, I guess I fought her until the end or until she got fed up and broke things off completely about a week ago. Now, she's all I think about and I feel like I could be a better man if she let me. But, she won't even talk to me.

Sounds exactly like me. I've been a fool in the past but never again. For years I've been basically all about getting the dick and telling them to their face to not spoil it by talking. If someone comes along to change my attitude, that's fine, but I'm not exactly out looking for them.

If she's gotten through to you and means that much to you, try to talk to her. Just don't be no fool. If she rejects you, oh well... Hell, you're gorgeous as hell and won't have no problem whatsoever finding someone else.

qwit sendin her money...

PurpleJedi said:

Abscence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.

You are experiencing it, hopefully she is as well.

Try to learn from your mistakes and reach out to her, without begging.

If she is for you, she will respond in kind.

(Of course, I have no fucking clue as to what I'm talking about, so take it with a grain of salt...)

Actually, that makes perfect sense. In fact, my only hope is that she's missing me as much as I'm missing her and that she's remembering all the good times we've shared.

vainandy said:

xpertluva said:

We broke up because according to her, I'm "emotionally distant." She also complained that I wanted everything to be on my terms and that I didn't take enough initiative for us to spend time together or show her that I care. Plus, she suspects that there was someone else.

All of that is true of course, except there wasn't anybody else. I was hurt years ago by a different woman and since then, I've treated most others with a cool detatchment. That way, when the relationships ran their course, it was easy to walk away clean. I treated this woman the same way in the beginning, but she was so good to me and so persistent that she apparently broke through the wall I had built around my heart.

Still, I guess I fought her until the end or until she got fed up and broke things off completely about a week ago. Now, she's all I think about and I feel like I could be a better man if she let me. But, she won't even talk to me.

Sounds exactly like me. I've been a fool in the past but never again. For years I've been basically all about getting the dick and telling them to their face to not spoil it by talking. If someone comes along to change my attitude, that's fine, but I'm not exactly out looking for them.

If she's gotten through to you and means that much to you, try to talk to her. Just don't be no fool. If she rejects you, oh well... Hell, you're gorgeous as hell and won't have no problem whatsoever finding someone else.

Thanks Andy. I don't think I've ever been quite as cold-hearted as you, but I was definitely emotionally distant. I didn't even have to try; I just didn't really care. It's weird how this one got to me out of nowhere. I never thought I'd be on here whining about some girl and trying to write a letter (because she blocked my # right after she split and I think email is too impersonal) to persuade her to at least open the door to discussion.

I'm not too worried about finding someone else. It's just so hard to find someone who's worth all the sacrafice and work that goes into a healthy relationship. I've never been one to settle.

xpertluva said:

We broke up because according to her, I'm "emotionally distant." She also complained that I wanted everything to be on my terms and that I didn't take enough initiative for us to spend time together or show her that I care. Plus, she suspects that there was someone else.

All of that is true of course, except there wasn't anybody else. I was hurt years ago by a different woman and since then, I've treated most others with a cool detatchment. That way, when the relationships ran their course, it was easy to walk away clean. I treated this woman the same way in the beginning, but she was so good to me and so persistent that she apparently broke through the wall I had built around my heart.

Still, I guess I fought her until the end or until she got fed up and broke things off completely about a week ago. Now, she's all I think about and I feel like I could be a better man if she let me. But, she won't even talk to me.

This right there. YOU need to let you be a better man. It is not within her power to fix your shit. You gotta do it. Good luck and hlpe you can salvage your relationship.

Speaking as someone who was in the same position your ex was in, if she says that you seemed distant and emotionally detacted, chances are she hasn't felt truly close to you in quite a while... Therefore, expecting that doing some grand gesture will make her fall right back into your arms is a little unrealistic You guys are back at 1 now.

Just work on yourself, cultivate some strength (it takes a lot to be vulnerable and open your heart) and maybe in a few weeks ask her out or something. Just to talk. See if she is interested in giving it another try. If so, be happy. If not, move on.

KingBAD said:

qwit sendin her money...

Visionnaire said:

Try seeking counsel from an expert lover.
Oh, wait......

thekidsgirl said:

Speaking as someone who was in the same position your ex was in, if she says that you seemed distant and emotionally detacted, chances are she hasn't felt truly close to you in quite a while... Therefore, expecting that doing some grand gesture will make her fall right back into your arms is a little unrealistic You guys are back at 1 now.

Just work on yourself, cultivate some strength (it takes a lot to be vulnerable and open your heart) and maybe in a few weeks ask her out or something. Just to talk. See if she is interested in giving it another try. If so, be happy. If not, move on.

great advice