the day after valentine's day at 4am a guy

gets home after bein gone for two days AND

he has a mongrel dog under his arm.

his gurl cutz on the light and sees him

gettin in bed with the dog and says

"whut the hell are you doin???"

for a second it looks like he was gonna throw up

THEN he says "I'M SO SORRY, THIS IS THE PIG

I BEEN FUCKIN WHEN I'M AWAY FROM YOU"

she looks discustedly at him and says

"that ain't no pig" he says

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I WAS TALKIN TO THE DOG!!!

kinda from the roseanne roast

a guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender

"set me up ten doubble shots of JACK, and please hurry"

the bartender looks at the man and says,

"that's a tall order buddy, whutz the deal?"

the guy says

"you'ld want 'em too if you had whut i got"

by now the guy is almost in tears,

so the bartender starts pourin the drinks.

as fast as he got them poured the guy went through them

the bartender says "and here's one on the house, BUT

whut is it you got buddy???"

the guy says

"about $2.50"

A guy gets home from work, sits down in his chair and tells his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She does, and he drowns it in one swallow. "Another! Bring me another before it starts!" he says, with even more urgency.

She brings the second beer and it's gone in seconds, too. "More! Bring me another beer before it starts!" he demands. She does, but when she hands him the beer she says, "Is this all you're going to do tonight? Sit on your fat ass, drink beer, and complain? While in the meantime there's a bunch of things that need to be done? IS THIS WHAT YOUR PLAN IS?"

"Oh shit," says the now-buzzed guy. "It's started!"

RodeoSchro said:

A guy gets home from work, sits down in his chair and tells his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She does, and he drowns it in one swallow. "Another! Bring me another before it starts!" he says, with even more urgency.

She brings the second beer and it's gone in seconds, too. "More! Bring me another beer before it starts!" he demands. She does, but when she hands him the beer she says, "Is this all you're going to do tonight? Sit on your fat ass, drink beer, and complain? While in the meantime there's a bunch of things that need to be done? IS THIS WHAT YOUR PLAN IS?"

"Oh shit," says the now-buzzed guy. "It's started!"

A wife tells her husband, "Honey, I want a boob job. Give me $2,000."

The husband says, "Great! I'd love it if you got a boob job. But $2,000 is too much. Here, take this toilet paper and rub it on your boobs. In about six months, they'll be enormous!"

The wife says, "How can rubbing toilet paper on my boobs make them enormous?"

The husband says, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"

RodeoSchro said:

A wife tells her husband, "Honey, I want a boob job. Give me $2,000."

The husband says, "Great! I'd love it if you got a boob job. But $2,000 is too much. Here, take this toilet paper and rub it on your boobs. In about six months, they'll be enormous!"

The wife says, "How can rubbing toilet paper on my boobs make them enormous?"

The husband says, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"

Two married girls went out for a night on the town and boy, did they tie one on! They were driving home when the irresistable need to poo hit them both. They were in the middle of nowhere, but there was a cemetary across the street so they decided to relieve themselves among the cemetary's trees. But, having nothing to wipe themselves with, they had to make do.

The next day, the two husbands of those girls were talking. "Boy," said the first husband. "Our wives must have really let loose last night. When my wife got home, she didn't have any panties on!"

"That's nothing," said the second man. "My wife had a card stuck up her ass that said 'WE ARE ALL GOING TO MISS YOU'!"

KingBAD said:

the day after valentine's day at 4am a guy

gets home after bein gone for two days AND

he has a mongrel dog under his arm.

his gurl cutz on the light and sees him

gettin in bed with the dog and says

"whut the hell are you doin???"

for a second it looks like he was gonna throw up

THEN he says "I'M SO SORRY, THIS IS THE PIG

I BEEN FUCKIN WHEN I'M AWAY FROM YOU"

she looks discustedly at him and says

"that ain't no pig" he says

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I WAS TALKIN TO THE DOG!!!

kinda from the roseanne roast

U a fool