So how do you handle it when you feel betrayed or majorly disappointed by a close family member? Besides telling them how you feel, that they betrayed you and feel like they don't know you at all where they should know and care about you, how do you get over it? So what steps do you slowly take in forgiving that person? I'm talking like if this was your mother, father, brother or sister.

Thoughts?

[Edited 7/13/12 7:38am]

Forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to like them, but forgive them and you will be able to move on. And don't do it slowly. Do it directly and right away. You'll feel better a whole lot faster.

It's not easy though.

i have been dealing with this for years with a very close female relative. she constantly does and says the most hurtful things to me. and i have forgiven her over and over again. it's to the point where i can never trust her again. i have cried more tears over this relationship, and i think now all i can do is pray for her. i have to let go, and keep my distance, because i don't want to continue being hurt and lied to. it's very painful when a family member does this to you. and i honestly don't know how you can get over it. there are some things that are just hard to get over or move pass.

missfee said:

So how do you handle it when you feel betrayed or majorly disappointed by a close family member? Besides telling them how you feel, that they betrayed you and feel like they don't know you at all where they should know and care about you, how do you get over it? So what steps do you slowly take in forgiving that person? I'm talking like if this was your mother, father, brother or sister.

Thoughts?

[Edited 7/13/12 7:38am]

You let time take the pain away and you keep your distance. Betrayal from a loved and trusted one is the utmost disrespect and violation. Forget about whether they meant it or could even control it. The issue is you have been wounded and you are trying to deal with it as best you can. You can tell them how you feel but they may not understand or be willing to concede they have wronged you. This is when you have to get strong and not let the pain consume you.

I have done one of the following 3 things when this has happened to me.

1. I keep my distance and not speak to this person for a long time. Let them be the ones to reach out and seek forgiveness.

2. I get even. Whatever they did to me I do to them DOUBLE! Makes me feel better even though it causes even more drama.

3. I act like nothing happened and I move on with my life and put it in the past. This is hard to do because we're human and we have feelings. Its hard to forget someone hurt you but sometimes it is what you have to do when there is absolutely no resolution to the situation. You have to put that incident away. Bury it and treat that person like you would anyone on the street. By that I mean treat them like a stranger and don't give them another opportunity to wrong you.

These choices are from a raw and human perspective. Fuck all that self-help book shit and churchified forgiveness. Its some dirty and shady ass people out there and all to often you find yourself related to them.

I cut them off and have no contact with them.

I have a sister who is just.....

I'll write the story down of one recent event of MANY.

_____________________________________
some background....

My sister is a young grandmother despite being successful. Her granddaughter is a handful.

So is her daughter (they do tacky ghetto shit) .

So my sister wanted my niece and my grandniece to stay in Tuskegee all alone and suffer in bad decisions, stripping, porn, abusive guy living in her apartment etc.

I was worried for my niece and my grandniece so I begged them to move back to Boston close to family and I promised to support her in her transition.

My sister did NOT want her to move back to Boston... turns out my sister was using her daughter's name on all her utilities and racked up a substantial debt in her daughter's name.

But I still talked my niece to moving up north and this forced my sister to fix the billing shenannigans regarding my niece.

I told my niece I would watch her daughter (a bebe kid that is wayyyyyy too grown and the same age as my daughter) but I still kept my word. I would watch her daughter after school Tuesday through Friday and sometimes the entire weekends. Our children went to the same school so I would pick up all three kids afterschool at the same time. I would keep my grandniece until 10-11pm every evening. This went on for 10 months non-stop. She offered to pay me for my trouble but knowing she was in transition I told her she could give me whatever she could because the money didn't matter.

So most times she couldn't pay me anything, which was OK.

After a long time of doing this she never stopped stripping and she would show up drunk most evenings to pick up her daughter. I would let her sleep on my couch and keep her daughter and refused to let them leave while she was drunk often. my niece increasingly got worse and worse with her drinking as time went on.

I began to come to terms that I was enabling my niece in her addiction to alcohol and a dangerous lifestyle. I was making slow headway with her daughter, but it was also wearing on my own children who began to hate her since the little girl bullied my daughter.

One day I put my grandniece on time out for the entire evening since she felt she could abuse my daughter again... I sat with her the whole evening speaking to her, and hugging her trying to get her to be nicer to my kids. I couldn't let her be with my kids since she tried to hurt my daughter and I secluded my children in their rooms that whole evening to keep them apart. When her mother (my niece) came to pick up her daughter I explained that I had to discipline her daughter. My niece was angry and let me know she thought I was wrong for putting her daughter on time out.

I explain I had to keep the children separate and I stayed with her daughter. We sat comfortably together in my living room while she read, talked and played with me.

I felt I was more than fair and even treated her with more consideration than I did my own children.

My niece told me to fuck off that she didn't need me watching her child and that she didn't like her child being treated the way I treated her, and left. Just like that. I was angry and hurt. So I went to my children and promised them that they never had to deal with my grandniece again.

So I called my niece. I never yelled at her, nor did I cuss her out. I simply and calmly told her that I agreed... so I will watch her daughter until the school year ended. I did that and found a summer camp for her daughter and kept my word then to not watch her anymore after that. My children counted down the days to the end of that school year. I kept my promise to my niece to help her in her transition to Boston. She did not change her lifestyle though.

Since then I NEVER babysat my grandnice again. That was two years ago....

_____________________________________

RECENTLY.

The was a family night at the aquarium (I had a bunch of free tickets), and I invited my mom. My mom told me she would bring her greatgrandchild, my grandniece with her. I was pleased.

When my mother came to my place, she dropped off my grandniece and I went to the aquarium with all 3 kids and met up with my niece and her new live-in boyfriend.

I parted ways with my grandniece and my niece after a fun evening at the aquarium.

So my sister calls me and proceeds to tell me that IF she knew our mother left my grandniece with me she would have raced over to rescue her from me because she knows I hate her grandchild and she never wants me watching her.

I responded in a quiet and patient way... and said, well it was OK for me to take her since mom seemed worn out and I didn't mind since the kids were doing a structured activity. That I enjoyed my time with them and that I looked forward for more planned activities for my kids and my grandniece to share.

My sister continued to speak to me in a condescending way, but I never let her bother me. He words can not hurt me anymore. So I let her spit her venom and responded gracefully anf kept to the point about the kids only sharing structured activity and how I do not think me watching her grandchild for an extended period of time would benefit anyone.

I knew my niece is mad because I won't watch her bad assed child.

I know my niece just want to hang out and party and strip and drink and not have to worry about her child.

I know I can not and will not enable my niece to shirk her parenting duties.

I know my sister does NOT want to watch her own grandchild, which she never does.

So I remember those facts when my sister tries to spit venom, I take a moment and breathe, and stay calm and stand fast on the truth that they can not use me anymore. I allow that knowledge to guide my words.

So I keep my distance from my sister and when I see her I do not mention my grandniece who I see daily at my kids school.

I sometimes bring a treat fro my grandniece to take home, and ask her to never tell her mom about it. I hug her and tell her I love her almost daily during the school year.

I go home alone with my happy kids to a peaceful home.

[Edited 7/13/12 13:12pm]

Painted...

You are beautiful. I wish I had that kind of patience.

Love ya back!

Guuurrrllll.... I wrote that long assed post to illustrate that once you can see the bullshit clearly, you pretty much know what to expect from people and why they behave the way they do.

Just stand on the truth and keep to being honest and kind and the best person you can be... it keeps your mind clear and levelheaded enough to deal the best way possible with trifiling folk. To also stick to the point of the issue and not personalize someone else's crap they try to project on you.

I knew that bullshit was coming so I sheilded myself by knowing what to expect and treating the situation in the most honorable and most effective/positive way I could. Know your enemy!

Let my sister stay mad at me for not watching her grandchild FOREVER. I still have peace and I know she is trifiling, and I did nothing wrong in that situation. She is only hurting herself in the long run.

This way, I go on with my kids and can stay positive in my life and not allow her to bother me or rile me up.

Life is too short to allow a bitch and her ways to occupy space in my mind and heart and the anger and stress would only steal from me and my kids anyways. I can not give them that. So I just know what to expect and not let them shake me.

It is what it is , I don't hate my sister, but she can be so selfish and self-centered and allows her anger to guide her. Can not win with stupid people by acting equally stupid... yanno?

So I steer clear from her and keep our interactions to a minimum.

paintedlady said:

Love ya back!

Guuurrrllll.... I wrote that long assed post to illustrate that once you can see the bullshit clearly, you pretty much know what to expect from people and why they behave the way they do.

Just stand on the truth and keep to being honest and kind and the best person you can be... it keeps your mind clear and levelheaded enough to deal the best way possible with trifiling folk. To also stick to the point of the issue and not personalize someone else's crap they try to project on you.

I knew that bullshit was coming so I sheilded myself by knowing what to expect and treating the situation in the most honorable and most effective/positive way I could. Know your enemy!

Let my sister stay mad at me for not watching her grandchild FOREVER. I still have peace and I know she is trifiling, and I did nothing wrong in that situation. She is only hurting herself in the long run.

This way, I go on with my kids and can stay positive in my life and not allow her to bother me or rile me up.

Life is too short to allow a bitch and her ways to occupy space in my mind and heart and the anger and stress would only steal from me and my kids anyways. I can not give them that. So I just know what to expect and not let them shake me.

It is what it is , I don't hate my sister, but she can be so selfish and self-centered and allows her anger to guide her. Can not win with stupid people by acting equally stupid... yanno?

So I steer clear from her and keep our interactions to a minimum.

I know that's right!!!

Just move on...

My older and only sister has always been a handful, she's the kind of person whom I would NOT be friends with nor speak to if we were not related. Oh the stories I could tell..

Loooong story short I've learned....

1. To say no when asked directly to do something I don't want to do.

2. Never explain myself for saying no.

3. Accept she will always find me at fault for saying no and never accept responsibility for her own circumstances.

4. I've learned to love her at a distance, i.e. I'm kind when I see her but will never pick up the phone to call nor do I invite her to anything and she doesn't contact me 'cause she constantly mad.

5. Only contact she will have from me in the future is when my mom passes and that will be via email.

When someone is toxic in your life be polite when you have to and forget about them the rest of the time. Once you stop dealing with their imaginary anger at you-- you feel free. All those hissy fits and temper tanturms go away when they don't have you for and audience..

Best of luck

Shame we can't pick our relatives LOL

nammie said:

My older and only sister has always been a handful, she's the kind of person whom I would NOT be friends with nor speak to if we were not related. Oh the stories I could tell..

Loooong story short I've learned....

1. To say no when asked directly to do something I don't want to do.

2. Never explain myself for saying no.

3. Accept she will always find me at fault for saying no and never accept responsibility for her own circumstances.

4. I've learned to love her at a distance, i.e. I'm kind when I see her but will never pick up the phone to call nor do I invite her to anything and she doesn't contact me 'cause she constantly mad.

5. Only contact she will have from me in the future is when my mom passes and that will be via email.

When someone is toxic in your life be polite when you have to and forget about them the rest of the time. Once you stop dealing with their imaginary anger at you-- you feel free. All those hissy fits and temper tanturms go away when they don't have you for and audience..

Best of luck

Shame we can't pick our relatives LOL

I love you! Thank you for this post.... you know my issue well! This helps me, and lets me know I am on the right path.

I wish I met you sooner.

paintedlady said:

nammie said:

My older and only sister has always been a handful, she's the kind of person whom I would NOT be friends with nor speak to if we were not related. Oh the stories I could tell..

Loooong story short I've learned....

1. To say no when asked directly to do something I don't want to do.

2. Never explain myself for saying no.

3. Accept she will always find me at fault for saying no and never accept responsibility for her own circumstances.

4. I've learned to love her at a distance, i.e. I'm kind when I see her but will never pick up the phone to call nor do I invite her to anything and she doesn't contact me 'cause she constantly mad.

5. Only contact she will have from me in the future is when my mom passes and that will be via email.

When someone is toxic in your life be polite when you have to and forget about them the rest of the time. Once you stop dealing with their imaginary anger at you-- you feel free. All those hissy fits and temper tanturms go away when they don't have you for and audience..

Best of luck

Shame we can't pick our relatives LOL

I love you! Thank you for this post.... you know my issue well! This helps me, and lets me know I am on the right path.

I wish I met you sooner.

Girl........... and you 'aint got the suicide-threat-as-a-solution- "anne" in your life like I do--not to say my shit is worse than yours 'cause it not..

It's just about an education and a weeding out proceess. Passive aggressive folks are a bitch and they really wreak havoc on our personal lives beit children, friends, or lovers.. When it takes it's toll on them then we tend to finally take notice.

But the good news once we're done we are D-O-N-E and we live and breathe on the strength we have done all we can in good faith.

vainandy said:

I cut them off and have no contact with them.

i did that with many folks in my family too, and getting ready to do it to another one.

nammie said:

paintedlady said:

I love you! Thank you for this post.... you know my issue well! This helps me, and lets me know I am on the right path.

I wish I met you sooner.

Girl........... and you 'aint got the suicide-threat-as-a-solution- "anne" in your life like I do--not to say my shit is worse than yours 'cause it not..

It's just about an education and a weeding out proceess. Passive aggressive folks are a bitch and they really wreak havoc on our personal lives beit children, friends, or lovers.. When it takes it's toll on them then we tend to finally take notice.

But the good news once we're done we are D-O-N-E and we live and breathe on the strength we have done all we can in good faith.

Amen!

I say hate the sin, not the sinner....but I end up acting passive aggressive about it anyways and don't even know I'm doing it.

I've not had contact with my mother for 14 years. We both grew older, developed some wisdom and life experience, and she really worked hard to change. When we started talking again, I noticed she really understood she hurted me badly, neglegted me as a child, and her admitting that to me, really helped.

Because I experienced a marriage with a coke head, alcoholic, evil narcist, I could relate to her past better. I now understand her relationship with a similar man during my childhood.

I now understand that he constantly manipulated her. He made sure she would stay 'weak'. I don't blame her anymore, because I now know, she was not 100% responsible. I had a stephdad and father not taking care of me, and who didn't support her at all. They just blamed her for everything that had gone wrong in their own life.

Now, my mom and I don't expect any idealistic Hollywood image about mothers and daughters. We fully accept eachother, without trying to change the other, or demand that the other person adjusts herself to her standard. She is my best friend and suport in life now.

I've had rows with my brother. We had a lot of beef with eachother.

However, last 2 years, whent the sh**t hit the fan, he saved my life. He financially supported me, so I could divorce and buy myself food. He is a gentleman about the money that I owe him. He doesn't want me to be stressed about my debt and tells me I can pay him back by the time I can miss the money and that I now just have to make sure I become happy again.

I've learned that family members teach you about yourself. Family challenges you to protect yourself from them and grow your individuality. Family teaches you how to love them despite very different values.

And my family proved to me that family can really screw up things, because they behaved irresponsible and stupid when I was a kid. However, they also proved me, that people can change and heal wounds.

I wanted to share this, because I hated my family before. Now, I love them more than anything.

So, if they hurt you now, protect yourself from them. However, if things change, give eachother a chance. Family can be wonderful.

HotGritz said:

Painted...

You are beautiful. I wish I had that kind of patience.

I always tell painted she is better than me. I have ZERO patience.

kimrachell said:

vainandy said:

I cut them off and have no contact with them.

i did that with many folks in my family too, and getting ready to do it to another one.

That right there is me....cut them bitches off. I have some family where I felt like every single time I interacted, there was guaranteed drama. Snip snip. Wont even argue....they don't exist to me.

dJJ said:

I've not had contact with my mother for 14 years. We both grew older, developed some wisdom and life experience, and she really worked hard to change. When we started talking again, I noticed she really understood she hurted me badly, neglegted me as a child, and her admitting that to me, really helped.

Because I experienced a marriage with a coke head, alcoholic, evil narcist, I could relate to her past better. I now understand her relationship with a similar man during my childhood.

I now understand that he constantly manipulated her. He made sure she would stay 'weak'. I don't blame her anymore, because I now know, she was not 100% responsible. I had a stephdad and father not taking care of me, and who didn't support her at all. They just blamed her for everything that had gone wrong in their own life.

Now, my mom and I don't expect any idealistic Hollywood image about mothers and daughters. We fully accept eachother, without trying to change the other, or demand that the other person adjusts herself to her standard. She is my best friend and suport in life now.

I've had rows with my brother. We had a lot of beef with eachother.

However, last 2 years, whent the sh**t hit the fan, he saved my life. He financially supported me, so I could divorce and buy myself food. He is a gentleman about the money that I owe him. He doesn't want me to be stressed about my debt and tells me I can pay him back by the time I can miss the money and that I now just have to make sure I become happy again.

I've learned that family members teach you about yourself. Family challenges you to protect yourself from them and grow your individuality. Family teaches you how to love them despite very different values.

And my family proved to me that family can really screw up things, because they behaved irresponsible and stupid when I was a kid. However, they also proved me, that people can change and heal wounds.

I wanted to share this, because I hated my family before. Now, I love them more than anything.

So, if they hurt you now, protect yourself from them. However, if things change, give eachother a chance. Family can be wonderful.

naw...fuck that. I just feel like people should not be capable of some shit. If they are capable and willing to do some things, they cannot be in my life. Sometimes second chances just guarantee more drama. If somebody wants to re-enter my life, they had better be determined because I may never anwer the phone....

nammie said:

My older and only sister has always been a handful, she's the kind of person whom I would NOT be friends with nor speak to if we were not related. Oh the stories I could tell..

Loooong story short I've learned....

1. To say no when asked directly to do something I don't want to do.

2. Never explain myself for saying no.

3. Accept she will always find me at fault for saying no and never accept responsibility for her own circumstances.

4. I've learned to love her at a distance, i.e. I'm kind when I see her but will never pick up the phone to call nor do I invite her to anything and she doesn't contact me 'cause she constantly mad.

5. Only contact she will have from me in the future is when my mom passes and that will be via email.

When someone is toxic in your life be polite when you have to and forget about them the rest of the time. Once you stop dealing with their imaginary anger at you-- you feel free. All those hissy fits and temper tanturms go away when they don't have you for and audience..

Best of luck

Shame we can't pick our relatives LOL

Great post.

I've been betrayed many times by family members, sometimes even close family members

personally, I deal with it thinking that I only owe loyalty to my mother, that's all

"blood on blood" is a PAIN sometimes...I believe in the "forgiven not forgotten" motto though...but sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to forgive when I get older and grumpier...

[Edited 7/15/12 10:37am]

JoeTyler said:

I only owe loyalty to my mother, that's all

Sometimes I feel like this. But I hate to.

With the exception of my Mother and Father, any family member who betrays me as some of y'all have described. We fighting and someone getting injured. Then after that you get expelled from my life forever.

I'mma mess when I get angry.

JoeTyler said:

I've been betrayed many times by family members, sometimes even close family members

personally, I deal with it thinking that I only owe loyalty to my mother, that's all

"blood on blood" is a PAIN sometimes...I believe in the "forgiven not forgotten" motto though...but sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to forgive when I get older and grumpier...

[Edited 7/15/12 10:37am]

But what if your mother betrayed or disappointed you? What then?

missfee said:

JoeTyler said:

I've been betrayed many times by family members, sometimes even close family members

personally, I deal with it thinking that I only owe loyalty to my mother, that's all

"blood on blood" is a PAIN sometimes...I believe in the "forgiven not forgotten" motto though...but sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to forgive when I get older and grumpier...

[Edited 7/15/12 10:37am]

But what if your mother betrayed or disappointed you? What then?

personally, I don't know what to say, I've heard (or even read here) a lot of stories about mothers betraying their sons; for me, that's the ultimate betrayal, but I guess a mother is easier to forgive than a sister/brother, friend, etc. I mean, I can picture ANYONE forgiving his/her mom if she said "I am sorry"

Usually if I know I'm gonna be betrayed or disappointed, I back away quickly. Like you wasn't willing to know me during my formative years, why even try now and hurt me later?

My formative years weren't terrible but could have been better. If people were emotionally available besides hugs when I was young enough, I think I would have turned out differently, and it's a little too late to try to make up for it now.

StillGotIt said:

dJJ said:

I've not had contact with my mother for 14 years. We both grew older, developed some wisdom and life experience, and she really worked hard to change. When we started talking again, I noticed she really understood she hurted me badly, neglegted me as a child, and her admitting that to me, really helped.

Because I experienced a marriage with a coke head, alcoholic, evil narcist, I could relate to her past better. I now understand her relationship with a similar man during my childhood.

I now understand that he constantly manipulated her. He made sure she would stay 'weak'. I don't blame her anymore, because I now know, she was not 100% responsible. I had a stephdad and father not taking care of me, and who didn't support her at all. They just blamed her for everything that had gone wrong in their own life.

Now, my mom and I don't expect any idealistic Hollywood image about mothers and daughters. We fully accept eachother, without trying to change the other, or demand that the other person adjusts herself to her standard. She is my best friend and suport in life now.

I've had rows with my brother. We had a lot of beef with eachother.

However, last 2 years, whent the sh**t hit the fan, he saved my life. He financially supported me, so I could divorce and buy myself food. He is a gentleman about the money that I owe him. He doesn't want me to be stressed about my debt and tells me I can pay him back by the time I can miss the money and that I now just have to make sure I become happy again.

I've learned that family members teach you about yourself. Family challenges you to protect yourself from them and grow your individuality. Family teaches you how to love them despite very different values.

And my family proved to me that family can really screw up things, because they behaved irresponsible and stupid when I was a kid. However, they also proved me, that people can change and heal wounds.

I wanted to share this, because I hated my family before. Now, I love them more than anything.

So, if they hurt you now, protect yourself from them. However, if things change, give eachother a chance. Family can be wonderful.

naw...fuck that. I just feel like people should not be capable of some shit. If they are capable and willing to do some things, they cannot be in my life. Sometimes second chances just guarantee more drama. If somebody wants to re-enter my life, they had better be determined because I may never anwer the phone....

I have no regrets that I cut contact for more than a decade with my mother. I protected myself rightly.

And I know that it is very rare for people to really, genuinely change. When my mother was no longer under the influence of that man, she slowly changed. She went in therapy and now she is a different person. I know that a fundamental change like that is rare. I'm grateful for it.

If you feel the need to protect yourself, you are right. The only one who can judge that is you!

Cut them off 100%.

Why deal with anyone...........and I mean any other human's drama?