I know that sounds childish, but when I'm getting tired, I start feeling agitated, and if I'm being hard on myself for having a brain freeze at work or comparing myself to people who have goofed up, I start slamming my fist into a pillow or sofa and find myself screaming or jerking my head a little bit, like feeling impulsive to do it. I've been doing this increasingly for the past few years and can't stop. I take mood stabilizers but not sure if this is causing it or if I need something more. Yesterday, I found myself banging my head once too on a sofa and stopping, I was so mad at myself for a mistake at work, and was getting thoughts of quitting work and getting on disability though I do not want to resort to that, cause I feel I will get lazy and it won't pay off my big debt.

I just had to share this cause I know I've opened up about my moods here before. I've considered going back for day treatment for managing stress or for a meditation class to calm down, but I find it very hard to calm down. When I'm not in this state, I'm hyper and keeping very busy with work, with going out trying to make plans with friends, I used to spend so much money on having fun, but now have toned down a great deal though I still spend, I just budget and keep costs low now compared to before.

Breathing and meditation techniques are needed.

Stop being hard on yourself for being different.

Look for supports in your area for people who are diagnosed with a "mental health issue".

Personally I think that most geniuses have "mental health issues" as do many of the greats in history.

Don't be so hard on yourself. (I repeated myself here but maybe it bares repeating)

I am on disability now and I want off of it.

[Edited 7/1/12 17:00pm]

Deadflow3r said:

Breathing and meditation techniques are needed.

Stop being hard on yourself for being different.

Look for supports in your area for people who are diagnosed with a "mental health issue".

Personally I think that most geniuses have "mental health issues" as do many of the greats in history.

Don't be so hard on yourself. (I repeated myself here but maybe it bares repeating)

I am on disability now and I want off of it.

[Edited 7/1/12 17:00pm]

I accepted being different by mid high school through university doing whatever the hell I wanted and gained some respect for it. Once I started work, I got very hard on myself, but stepping away from myself was more and more painful, like leading double or triple lives till it bit me in the ass. Now I'm trying to not give a fuck and just be me, but being me hurts so much even if people I admire the most taught me it's okay to be different cause I always dealt with that from a young age. I'm bipolar and some ocd, but seriously wonder why someone didn't diagnose me with autism/aspergers at times haha cause I did a test online and totally fit the spectrum, and it explains my obsessions, agitation, musical hobbies, being in my own world since I was young and not understanding why I was always teased, or finding it hard to know when to talk though I'm okay with some people if I'm comfortable and know them well, but not always in a setting like a staff meeting.

I used to think there is so much more to me and that I'm great and can be great like people I admire, but now I realize I was drawn to them and beating myself up for not being like them, cause I was not accepting that I'm okay already with how I am and have it so good in other areas, and am hard on myself for having moods despite being blessed in a lot of ways. I do get grand ideas for starting a business on the side of what I do, cause what I do alone is not giving me peace and driving me crazy emotionally though I can handle it in small doses and goes well with my sleep patterns. But I find myself either crashing and tired, or wanting to do so much more than what I do, and then if something happens, it's the end of the world, or I'm the dumbest person alive cause of my brain fog, even today when shopping, I had 2 chances to buy what I needed and was in line with someone for their stuff, and it didn't occur to me what I needed till I was almost home.

I feel if I get on disability, I don't want it now. I know too many people on it as well and have seen what it does to them though I know everyone is not the same and that it's a stereotype they are lazy. And I feel that some need it more than me. When I hurt my back a few years ago, I had a certificate temporarily cause I couldn't sit on the floor for long periods of time and things like that, but this is for mental health and that affecting my work, though I really think learning meditation and calming down and talking out everything that is so hard to be understood for will help. I tried talking about the root of the problem and psychoanalyzing it, but no professional gets it anymore though they have tried. I'm either labelled crazy, or with too many issues, or they just have to slap a label on me...or I just look fine and am thinking about too much to one person, though to another, I can go on about having a "normal" lifestyle that I just got back this year, but still being called unstable emotionally, which I'm not denying. Then I hate being offered drugs that I know won't work and want to ask for the ones that I think will work better based on nothing but their own words. I don't want an anti psychotic that's new on the market if I'm being branded ocd for example, what's the use in that? If I was told I had an acute stress response a few years when I felt out of my body and now I'm feeing the after affects, I should be given something for post traumatic stress/an anti depressant which is a different category. Not calling myself a psych, but know enough to know what's right for me, what isn't, and that they only care for their money

[Edited 7/1/12 17:44pm]

Stop being so hard on yourself and when u feel the need to do that think of something else.

[img:$uid]http://i.imgur.com/QiEmH.gif[/img:$uid]

Yeah I usually have calming techniques too or ways to handle it like distractions like going out, or playing games and stuff like that. I think these insults that are internalized probably come from what I've heard over and over again in the past, like cognitive distortions. Plus with some people I deal with, it's like walking on eggshells with them cause I don't know what shit they will pull on me. I know I sound like I'm playing victim, but some people just are impossible to deal with, and though I laugh it off too, it angers me or builds up.

[Edited 7/1/12 19:00pm]

alphastreet said:

Yeah I usually have calming techniques too or ways to handle it like distractions like going out, or playing games and stuff like that. I think these insults that are internalized probably come from what I've heard over and over again in the past, like cognitive distortions. Plus with some people I deal with, it's like walking on eggshells with them cause I don't know what shit they will pull on me. I know I sound like I'm playing victim, but some people just are impossible to deal with, and though I laugh it off too, it angers me or builds up.

[Edited 7/1/12 19:00pm]

How many people do you work with? If you are part of the asbergers spectrum then you will not do well with people tons of coworkers.