RodeoSchro said:

KingBAD said:

novabrkr said:

Values:

Parents

Spouse

In bed:

Spouse

Parents

so you tryed that

sleepin with the parents thing,

how did that work out for you???

If I remember correctly I ended up murdering my father and then blinded myself with a sharp pole.

Genesia said:

RodeoSchro said:

I'm not sure hardly anyone that has kids would agree with that.

Both my wife and I agree 100% that the kids come first, and so does every other couple I've ever known that had kids.

Except for really greedy aholes, that is. There's always a few of them around.

Don't get it twisted. Obviously, you are responsible for the lives you create - and you owe your kids everything you can do for them. But I think you would agree that the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a loving, stable relationship with their mother. And that means making that relationship a priority.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a need for clarification between the two of you...

...relationship-wise...yes the spouse comes first. Need to keep the spark going and all that.

BUT in matters of health & well-being, the children come first. Throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-moving-bus-to-save-your-child priority. It's the most basic human/animal instinct.

The trick is balancing the two.

You don't leave the kids home alone so you and spouse can go party on your anniversary, just as much as you don't ignore your anniversary because the kids have a school play.

Now THAT I don't get. The spouse should come before the kids? Mmkay. Like I said people acting it's a damn contest. Respect and take care of all involved. Sheesh.

Genesia said:

DysregulatedToxicity said:

I agree; these are two very different relationships. I see this conflict mostly in the U.S because in most other countries a spouse becomes part of your family not a replacement.

I love my parents and would never marry anyone they didn't approve of. That said, I know my parents will never interfere in my relationship unless they really thought it was necessary. I guess it depends on what kind of family you have.

And considering that 50% of marriages in the U.S end in divorce...well your parents will always be your parents. Your spouse only has 50% chances of staying with you so...

Maybe that's why so many marriages end in divorce - people don't put keeping that relationship above everything else. My parents just celebrated their 53rd anniversary. When my sisters and I were growing up, we knew that our parents came first in each other's lives. They were committed to each other - my sisters and I had to fit within their framework.

I see what you are saying; that's why I said that it depends on the kind of family you have. Like I said, my parents would never ever interfere in any relationship unless they thought it was absolutely necessary. In which case, I would definitely pay attention.

PurpleJedi said:

nursev said:

I don't wanna get this moved to P&R but like we talked about before even in the book it says to honor thy mother and father-that doesn't mean you can't marry and make a new family, but one must always respect their parents and for that matter their spouse should also respect their parents. I would never marry someone that my parents don't like-it always leads to problems, but that's just me.

I speak from experience.

TYPICALLY...when a man marries, his parents lose a son while the wife's parents gain one (at least in our society).

Guys tend to be more laid back when it comes to family shit, and women tend to be more "sensitive" to all that crap ("can you believe your brother did THIS, can you believe your mother said THAT, I can't believe your sister didn't call and just showed up..."). This is a stereotype, but just about every relationship that I know deals with this.

I spent a whole year not talking to my brother b/c my ex was convinced that his wife (the 2 of them were like oil & vinegar) was mailing us anonymous letters. Huge confrontation that changed the family dynamic for YEARS after. Turns out there was some stupid marketing ploy sending out anonymous newspaper clippings.

In any event...the point is that women typically are more emotional and because there is ALWAYS tension and drama in ANY family...the man tends to do what comes naturally and side with his wife, and distance himself from his own family. It's just what happens.

There are varying degrees to this, of course, and I even know a couple where the opposite is the case.

But a committed husband typically sides with the woman he loves.

HOWEVER...(and you young'uns listen up here)...blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. No matter how much stress and aggravation it may cause...you should ALWAYS respect your parents and be considerate. They raised you, fed you, clothed you, and made you into the adult that you are. No one is perfect, even the face staring back in the mirror, so you take your family's problems with a grain of salt.

If the time comes when that woman decides that she made a mistake marrying you and leaves you, it's your family who will be there to support you and help you get yourself back together.

...and always, ALWAYS, call your momma.

You better PREACH!! Or in the case of a bf or husband who decides that the relationship/marriage was a mistake, it's the family who will have your back. Exactly.

[Edited 5/12/12 18:08pm]

paintedlady said:

Spouse before ADULT children (depending on the issues, grown kids need to move the hell out) ... my husband ever fuck with my minor children he dies an ugly death... a very ugly painful and sudden death, don't mess with my kids.

and my momma comes after my husband, the heffa better get a new hobby and leave my marriage alone, this is why kids can not and should not run to momma after every fight and kids need to learn how to communicate with their spouses.

I can only teach my son the best I can, once they are grown I must respect them and trust them to make the best decisions for themselves and not interfere in a relationship....

until my boy get s divorce then the bitch is mine....

[img:$uid]http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/gataloca_bucket/6538653.gif[/img:$uid]

as far as my daughter goes... any man puts his hands on my daughter (at any age)... will end up missing.

My girl gots good sense, and I ain't even married, never been married, and prolly never will!

nursev said:

I don't wanna get this moved to P&R but like we talked about before even in the book it says to honor thy mother and father-that doesn't mean you can't marry and make a new family, but one must always respect their parents and for that matter their spouse should also respect their parents. I would never marry someone that my parents don't like-it always leads to problems, but that's just me.

I totally get what you're saying, and this is why it is imperative a person must choose wisely when they are seeking to marry. While the Word makes it very clear that we are to honor our fathers and mothers, in four separate books of both the old and new testament it also makes the blueprint of marriage very clear that in that institution one leaves their father and mother,shall cleave unto one another, and "shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8, Ephesians 5.31): the operative words here being leave, cleave, (be) one flesh.

In knowing this, a person really needs to have all their ducks in a row in terms of having healthy family relationships and clearly defined roles and expectations so that they can avoid the pitfalls we see with feauding families, ect.

I look at it like extending the growth of a tree or vine. You start out with the leaves all on one branch, but eventually after growth, a bit of pruning here and there, leaves and blooms will extend into their own living branches. Of course the need the main branches and the roots of the plant for life support, but in orer for the plant to be fruitful and healthy and extending itself, some pruning will have to take place and the new buds and extentions need to branch off in a different direction from that which they originally sprang from.

...and just like you, I could never get down with someone whose parents I couldn't get along with or them with mine. It's completely counter-productive and a waste of time, energy and emotion that could be spent as a healthy family unit living in love, unity, respect, and prosperity.

PurpleJedi said:

Genesia said:

Don't get it twisted. Obviously, you are responsible for the lives you create - and you owe your kids everything you can do for them. But I think you would agree that the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a loving, stable relationship with their mother. And that means making that relationship a priority.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a need for clarification between the two of you...

...relationship-wise...yes the spouse comes first. Need to keep the spark going and all that.

BUT in matters of health & well-being, the children come first. Throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-moving-bus-to-save-your-child priority. It's the most basic human/animal instinct.

The trick is balancing the two.

You don't leave the kids home alone so you and spouse can go party on your anniversary, just as much as you don't ignore your anniversary because the kids have a school play.

I'm not sure I would agree about this.

If you don't look after your own health and well-being, how will you ever be fit to provide for

your children? Its about more than just life or death, or physical health. There is also emotional

and mental well-being, for both parents and their children.

That's why when there are problems on a plane parents are instructed to put THEIR air masks

on FIRST. Once the parent is situated they are far better off to protect and care for their young.

I come before my partner

I come before my parents

I come before my children

This is because in order to have and protect these relationships I have to be in a position to do so.

If I am mentally or emotionally un-well my relationship, and those people closes to me, suffer. Some

of that suffering may be long term, some short. There are many cases in which individuals do not take

care of themselves and end up snapping, beating their kids, killing their parents, cheating on their partners etc.

As far as who comes first between parents, spouse, and children...I consider these situational.

As far as I am concerned it depends on who is the most in need

My mom is a grown ass woman dating a grown ass man

If I came home for a visit and that grown ass man was beating on my grown ass mom I would attack

that grown ass man, even if I landed my grown ass in jail. My partner understands this, she expects

this, she will put money on my books while I am away. I will do the same for her, I would probably

do the same for her mom.

My mom is able to take care of herself, but than again, so is my partner. If they both need my help

at the same time I would decide who to help based on how important that help is. I would help my

mom out of the bath before I would help my partner brush her teeth. My mom being caught in the

bath has more repercussions than my partner waiting to brush her teeth.

My mom took care of me when I was unable to attend to my own needs, she did so with the help of

others. When the time comes that my mother needs help to attend to her needs because she is no

longer able to do them on her own, I, with the help of others, will attend to those needs. My

partner understood this before we got together, she wants to be one of those others, I would be

one of those others for her parents.

I love and respect my mother and she trusts me to make my own way in the world. She

understands that from time to time I am going to fall on my ass and throw a fit. Just because

I fall, doesn't mean I shouldn't continue to try and walk. My moms place is not to tell me to give

up, we both understand this. She may give advice, she may comfort, she may even scold, but

she may NOT tell me what I HAVE to do. This goes from what I choose to wear to who I chose to

date. She raised me to be a strong woman, and the best way to respect that is to act like a strong

woman.

If my partner feels that my mom is in the wrong, she has the right to talk that out with my mother.

My partner and my mother have a relationship, they must set the terms of that relationship

and see to it like adults. If my mom is wrong, she is wrong. She cannot take my partners car

without permission. If my partner is wrong, she is wrong. She cannot borrow my mothers

undergarments without permission. If my mother or my partner can't handle being wrong from

time to time than they can feel free to stop talking to me until they are in a place to have

a discussion about it.

[Edited 5/16/12 16:53pm]

scriptgirl said:

In the non music section, in a thread about Usher and his mom and his ex wife, I said that your wife comes before your mom when a man marries. A lot of people said no, that your mom will always be your mom. Well, if you don't put your wife first, your wife won't be your wife for long. You took your vows to each other and you, your spouse and whatever kids you have are a seperate unit and should come before your FOO-Family of Origin. What do you think?

I think you make perfect sense but all too often the wrong people come together and lets face it....a ho ass wife should never come before your momma. A ho ass momma should never come before you wife. Same with husbands and fathers. What I mean is, the person that comes first is the person that treats you the best and is the healthiest relationship for you. As for Usher...aint no woman gonna set him right. The dude got psych issues.

LadyCasanova said:

I come before my partner

I come before my parents

I come before my children

This is because in order to have and protect these relationships I have to be in a position to do so.

If I am mentally or emotionally un-well my relationship, and those people closes to me, suffer. Some

of that suffering may be long term, some short. There are many cases in which individuals do not take

care of themselves and end up snapping, beating their kids, killing their parents, cheating on their partners etc.

Yes, you are most definitely correct.

But as for the other point; somewhere between making sure you take oxygen first on a plane ...and giving your child the last spot on the lifeboat, is a whole slew of situations and scenarios that are open for debate. The point I was trying to make though, is that (as you know) there is an instinctual need for any (normal) human being to care and protect their offspfring. This is especially true and relevant for smaller children (that's where my mindset is right now). In those instances, children come before spouse/parents.

That being said, when it comes to YOU, all bets are off.

Genesia said:

Timmy84 said:

Respect your parents. This isn't no damn contest.

Putting your spouse first doesn't mean disrespecting your parents.

I agree with both of these, because they're two sides of the same coin. Respecting your parents doesn't mean disrespecting your spose. Respecting your spouse doesn't mean you're disrespecting your parents. They may all need you to different degrees at one time or another. If they all truly love you this shouldn't be a problem.

I'm gonna throw some gasoline on the fire, though, and say that in my experience it's women who have been much more willing to run to their mothers when they call. But that is just my experience.

Cerebus said:

Genesia said:

Timmy84 said: Putting your spouse first doesn't mean disrespecting your parents.

I agree with both of these, because they're two sides of the same coin. Respecting your parents doesn't mean disrespecting your spose. Respecting your spouse doesn't mean you're disrespecting your parents. They may all need you to different degrees at one time or another. If they all truly love you this shouldn't be a problem.

I'm gonna throw some gasoline on the fire, though, and say that in my experience it's women who have been much more willing to run to their mothers when they call. But that is just my experience.

Most folks probably won't have huge problems with this, but certain personality types will pop up (there's that pattern that pops up every second generation victim/persecutor/rescuer) and if you have a victim type mother, persecutor father (or vice versa) and you are the rescuer, your spouse won't stand a chance. The attention seeking behaviour and guilt-tripping - parent calling their CHILD all the time to come intervene (and child benefits in an egotistical way from this) - will drive you apart. I've seen it happen loads of times

In my family my father is persecutor, my mother victim, but somehow neither my sister nor myself ended up rescuer, we moved away as far as we could and stay out of it