Dren5 said:

SeventeenDayze said:

So, over the weekend out of curiousity and boredom, I decided to go against what I normally do and created an online dating profile. I usually feel really awkward and suspicious of online dating but I'm giving it a try. I feel like a bit of a loser/idiot but will see how this goes.

So far, I've been in touch with a guy who is my age who said he was married for 3 years and then divorced with no kids. I was the first one to send him a message. We did a bit of chatting a few nights ago. He seemed like the type of guy who could always respond to questions but never seem to start the conversation. I feel like if I kept talking to him I'd be the one who would have to be like, "Hey, let's go on a date dude"...He's at a military base about 20 minutes from where I live.

The other guy I have been chatting with is a construction worker who emailed me first. He's 40 years old, divorced and has three kids (no, this is not the other guy with three kids that I was writing about before). He seemed to be curious about me and asked questions. He also said that he enjoys boxing, running and doing a lot of exercise. He's a good-looking guy, funny, etc. He told me that he's never been on an airplane and I was joking with him about how he should start traveling and take baby steps and travel to other cities that are a few hours away. He then said he was going to take me with him, LOL, this guy is a charmer! Again, the issue is the guy has three sons, so it would be weird because I don't have kids! He also said he lives in a really expensive house and drives two cars...

Okay folks, what do you think? Should I just quit while I'm ahead with the online dating? Should I meet the first guy or the second guy? both? neither?

Moving too fast and jumping from 0 to 70. Talk to him on Skype or something for a while....get to know him that way.

Run a background check...

Email each other back and forth...

Run a background check...

Maybe at some point you could even talk on the phone...

Run a background check...

After awhile, if everything seems okay, agree to meet, but only in a public place and again, go slow.

In general, at this point I'm not against online dating because there's good people as well as shitty ones online. It's just a matter of not being stupid and carefully shifting through all the shit to get to the good ones.

This.

Still, I'm not really sure if that is the type of forum that would suit '17days' best. Past threads have demonstrated there might be some discernment issues where love and relationships are concerned.

But meh. What do I know.

Ottensen said:

Dren5 said:

Moving too fast and jumping from 0 to 70. Talk to him on Skype or something for a while....get to know him that way.

Run a background check...

Email each other back and forth...

Run a background check...

Maybe at some point you could even talk on the phone...

Run a background check...

After awhile, if everything seems okay, agree to meet, but only in a public place and again, go slow.

In general, at this point I'm not against online dating because there's good people as well as shitty ones online. It's just a matter of not being stupid and carefully shifting through all the shit to get to the good ones.

This.

Still, I'm not really sure if that is the type of forum that would suit '17days' best. Past threads have demonstrated there might be some discernment issues where love and relationships are concerned.

But meh. What do I know.

I think my discernment is fine because I could tell not to waste any time with this guy. I think he was very "charming" online but in person he was very different. Sometimes it could be better to meet sooner and see what their quirks are in person. Other times it might be best to wait. Another guy who sent me a message wrote me, "Hey I like your profile, I don't like chatting back and forth I'm free this Thursday and Friday"...needless to say I wrote him back and was like, "can you tell me more about you". I haven't agreed to meet him at all.

The Italian guy and I are taking it slow and just chatting for now, he seems like a catch so I don't wanna mess it up lol

I'm meeting the Italian guy in a few more days and I'm on pins and needles...hopefully this guy will be normal and I guess I'm glad that I finally decided to re-active my profile because I deleted it like 7 months ago. Have any of you had success stories from online dating?

So, I met the Italian medical student guy this afternoon...he was considerate, opened doors, seemed very intelligent. Just one big problem was that he seemed a bit effeminate, well not just a bit, but kinda was disappointing...

He often "joked" about how gay men ask him if he's sure that he's not gay....ugh

For some reason he talked a lot about ex-girlfriends. He was nice to me and everything but it seems like this guy is in serious denial...

Or, is it humanly possible that a guy can be effeminate but not gay?????

Nah.

eeeek. No way! Just a bunch of crazies online.

Shanti0608 said:

eeeek. No way! Just a bunch of crazies online.

I'm really disappointed (understatement) because everything else about him was great, except that one huge glaring issue...why would he even bother still dating women? He's in his mid-30s at this point, why can't he just come out? Why bother with the hoax? I dunno, I was really excited about this but in person he was effeminate but had moments when he was acting like to the contrary....

Just weird...

SeventeenDayze said:

Shanti0608 said:

eeeek. No way! Just a bunch of crazies online.

I'm really disappointed (understatement) because everything else about him was great, except that one huge glaring issue...why would he even bother still dating women? He's in his mid-30s at this point, why can't he just come out? Why bother with the hoax? I dunno, I was really excited about this but in person he was effeminate but had moments when he was acting like to the contrary....

Just weird...

I really couldn't say. I have never used a dating service, well....apart from the org.

If you think he is gay and that bothers you then you should just move on.

Shanti0608 said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I'm really disappointed (understatement) because everything else about him was great, except that one huge glaring issue...why would he even bother still dating women? He's in his mid-30s at this point, why can't he just come out? Why bother with the hoax? I dunno, I was really excited about this but in person he was effeminate but had moments when he was acting like to the contrary....

Just weird...

I really couldn't say. I have never used a dating service, well....apart from the org.

If you think he is gay and that bothers you then you should just move on.

Yeah I think you're right, it's been several years since I was in a relationship so a few more years won't kill me. It's just hard to explain how I feel right now....all the anticipation and then this happens, *sigh*

He sounds like a nice guy though, and if he's treating you nicely, I would keep him as a friend, as long as that is communicated from the start so there is no leading on from either side down the road.

alphastreet said:

He sounds like a nice guy though, and if he's treating you nicely, I would keep him as a friend, as long as that is communicated from the start so there is no leading on from either side down the road.

Even before meeting him in person, I "saw" a lot of things that I liked about him. Then meeting him in person, he seemed like he would be an amazing friend to have. It's just that one huge, glaring issue that would be contstantly nagging at me. I'm not sure I'm in the mood for a Will & Grace type of thing either. This feels really, REALLY awkward because the guy is super intelligent, attractive, considerate and kind...something really hard to find, especially where I live where the majority of guys only talk about being 'beer snobs' or whatever...

SeventeenDayze said:

alphastreet said:

He sounds like a nice guy though, and if he's treating you nicely, I would keep him as a friend, as long as that is communicated from the start so there is no leading on from either side down the road.

Even before meeting him in person, I "saw" a lot of things that I liked about him. Then meeting him in person, he seemed like he would be an amazing friend to have. It's just that one huge, glaring issue that would be contstantly nagging at me. I'm not sure I'm in the mood for a Will & Grace type of thing either. This feels really, REALLY awkward because the guy is super intelligent, attractive, considerate and kind...something really hard to find, especially where I live where the majority of guys only talk about being 'beer snobs' or whatever...

yeah he sounds really cool and Will & Grace is just a show

alphastreet said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Even before meeting him in person, I "saw" a lot of things that I liked about him. Then meeting him in person, he seemed like he would be an amazing friend to have. It's just that one huge, glaring issue that would be contstantly nagging at me. I'm not sure I'm in the mood for a Will & Grace type of thing either. This feels really, REALLY awkward because the guy is super intelligent, attractive, considerate and kind...something really hard to find, especially where I live where the majority of guys only talk about being 'beer snobs' or whatever...

yeah he sounds really cool and Will & Grace is just a show

It's like finding the car of your dreams and then noticing that it has no seat belts....it's kinda how I feel right now LOL but kinda sad..lol

tinaz said:

heartbeatocean said:

tinaz said:

Idk.. If I were single I probably would be open to looking into it.. because where does a 44 year old who doesnt bar hop, who doesnt do church stuff, find other single men with similar interests that arent gross ugly pigs who have let themselves go? I honestly would have no idea where to go?

I dont think its pathetic at all.. Christ, I think the womens behaviour ina bar scene and the men getting all boned up on the skanks WAY more pathetic than any "LEGIT" dating site...

Well, I'm 44 and I meet lots of guys by being active in my interests and in my community. Taking classes, collaborating on artistic projects, attending events, playing music with groups, going on wilderness trips, working, keeping up a fun active life.

Yeah that's good advice. I guess I'm almost at the point where most guys my age are either taken or they are perpetual bachelors. If I go a few years older, that's usually when the guys have kids already and I'm trying to avoid that for a number of reasons.

Besides the gay vibe I got from this guy yesterday, he seems like he would be a good catch but it's really hard to overlook the obvious with him. He says he's not gay and he also said he doesn't understand how people can be bisexual. I asked him why he thought that and he really didn't give a clear answer...

heartbeatocean said:

tinaz said:

Idk.. If I were single I probably would be open to looking into it.. because where does a 44 year old who doesnt bar hop, who doesnt do church stuff, find other single men with similar interests that arent gross ugly pigs who have let themselves go? I honestly would have no idea where to go?

I dont think its pathetic at all.. Christ, I think the womens behaviour ina bar scene and the men getting all boned up on the skanks WAY more pathetic than any "LEGIT" dating site...

Well, I'm 44 and I meet lots of guys by being active in my interests and in my community. Taking classes, collaborating on artistic projects, attending events, playing music with groups, going on wilderness trips, working, keeping up a fun active life.

I think this in conjunction with what tinaz says is what worked for me when I was single. I met a lot of great people with combining the two approaches and never had any problems. With the online exploration though, I cannot stress enough that a woman has to be highly discerning and somewhat merciless as if she's separating wheat from the chaff...and I think I cannot stress enough that I actually believe the type of site a person looks into makes all the difference.

Ottensen said:

heartbeatocean said:

tinaz said: Well, I'm 44 and I meet lots of guys by being active in my interests and in my community. Taking classes, collaborating on artistic projects, attending events, playing music with groups, going on wilderness trips, working, keeping up a fun active life.

I think this in conjunction with what tinaz says is what worked for me when I was single. I met a lot of great people with combining the two approaches and never had any problems. With the online exploration though, I cannot stress enough that a woman has to be highly discerning and somewhat merciless as if she's separating wheat from the chaff...and I think I cannot stress enough that I actually believe the type of site a person looks into makes all the difference.

You're right about the type of site that it is because that makes a difference. I'm using XYZ and in the times that I've actually met a guy it's usually been kinda of a weirdo or a guy who seems too one-dimensional. This guy I met yesterday seems very intelligent, gentle and I didn't do much talking just to see where his head is at and he had a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy.

I talked to someone who is gay about this and they said at times there are people you would think were gay but who are simply not and vice versa, so who knows...

[Edited 5/27/12 7:43am]

SeventeenDayze said:

Ottensen said:

I think this in conjunction with what tinaz says is what worked for me when I was single. I met a lot of great people with combining the two approaches and never had any problems. With the online exploration though, I cannot stress enough that a woman has to be highly discerning and somewhat merciless as if she's separating wheat from the chaff...and I think I cannot stress enough that I actually believe the type of site a person looks into makes all the difference.

You're right about the type of site that it is because that makes a difference. I'm using XYZ and in the times that I've actually met a guy it's usually been kinda of a weirdo or a guy who seems too one-dimensional. This guy I met yesterday seems very intelligent, gentle and I didn't do much talking just to see where his head is at and he had a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy.

I talked to someone who is gay about this and they said at times there are people you would think were gay but who are simply not and vice versa, so who knows...

Well I'm glad to hear that you met someone intelligent and sensible. Keep weeding and separating and be very careful. And for your own online protection, don't reveal to anyone (anymore) what sites you are using unless it's in private and confidential conversation.

I think heartbeatocean has fantastic ideas as well to keep you out in the land of the living and not to attached the computer: get out into your city and join clubs, take classes or attend events where you can meet people with your same interests. Outside of separating the crazies from the sane (your firsst order of business), compatibility is key. There is absolutely no use in entertaining the idea of dating someone who listens to metal or rave (if you hate it) when you might like or singer songwriter music- and no use in being with someone who prefers to eat fast food daily when you might be one who likes to cook exotic food, or only eat organic. Taking classes and joining clubs is a great way to cut to the chase of discovering a person's hobbies, likes, and dislikes, and spares you the frustration of maybe meeting someone nice whom you unfortunately have nothing in common with...take heed that the latter is a recipe for disaster ,and will do nothing but detract from or complicate your life rather than accentuate and enhance it. Separate your wheat from the chaff accordingly and remember compatibility is key!

[Edited 5/27/12 7:56am]

Ottensen said:

SeventeenDayze said:

You're right about the type of site that it is because that makes a difference. I'm using XYZ and in the times that I've actually met a guy it's usually been kinda of a weirdo or a guy who seems too one-dimensional. This guy I met yesterday seems very intelligent, gentle and I didn't do much talking just to see where his head is at and he had a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy.

I talked to someone who is gay about this and they said at times there are people you would think were gay but who are simply not and vice versa, so who knows...

Well I'm glad to hear that you met someone intelligent and sensible. Keep weeding and separating and be very careful. And for your own online protection, don't reveal to anyone (anymore) what sites you are using unless it's in private and confidential conversation.

I think heartbeatocean has fantastic ideas as well to keep you out in the land of the living and not to attached the computer: get out into your city and join clubs, take classes or attend events where you can meet people with your same interests. Outside of separating the crazies from the sane (your firsst order of business), compatibility is key. There is absolutely no use in entertaining the idea of dating someone who listens to metal or rave (if you hate it) when you might like or singer songwriter music- and no use in being with someone who prefers to eat fast food daily when you might be one who likes to cook exotic food, or only eat organic. Taking classes and joining clubs is a great way to cut to the chase of discovering a person's hobbies, likes, and dislikes, and spares you the frustration of maybe meeting someone nice whom you unfortunately have nothing in common with...take heed that the latter is a recipe for disaster ,and will do nothing but detract from or complicate your life rather than accentuate and enhance it. Separate your wheat from the chaff accordingly and remember compatibility is key!

[Edited 5/27/12 7:56am]

Yeah I think you're right. I've done a few of those activity meeting type things and had a good time but it seemed like the women always outnumber the men. A lot of the men in the groups look like they hadn't seen sunlight in decades (i.e. looked creepy or had issues otherwise). One group meeting I went to, I was chatting it up with a nice guy and suddenly some chick came out of nowhere, interrupted the convo and then basically started talking to him for the next several minutes. I ignored her and basically moved on. I never went to that group meeting again because I don't like the sense of desperation that seem to pervade the room, LOL.

What kinds of activities would the men outnumber the women? Any suggestions? I'd be willing to do it

definitely NAY!!

SeventeenDayze said:

heartbeatocean said:

tinaz said: Well, I'm 44 and I meet lots of guys by being active in my interests and in my community. Taking classes, collaborating on artistic projects, attending events, playing music with groups, going on wilderness trips, working, keeping up a fun active life.

Yeah that's good advice. I guess I'm almost at the point where most guys my age are either taken or they are perpetual bachelors. If I go a few years older, that's usually when the guys have kids already and I'm trying to avoid that for a number of reasons.

I hear ya.

...spares you the frustration of maybe meeting someone nice whom you unfortunately have nothing in common with...take heed that the latter is a recipe for disaster ,and will do nothing but detract from or complicate your life rather than accentuate and enhance it.

Whoa, does that hit the nail on the head.

SeventeenDayze said:

What kinds of activities would the men outnumber the women? Any suggestions? I'd be willing to do it

Interesting question! I tend to be pretty geeky and daring, so a lot of my interests related to audio tech, experimental film, bluegrass, backpacking, and skiing -- tend to be male dominated. Go for the geeky or maybe athletics. Are you a sports fan? My female cousin is gorgeous but loves dirt biking and watching baseball. Seems like she'd be a good catch.

SeventeenDayze said:

A lot of the men in the groups look like they hadn't seen sunlight in decades (i.e. looked creepy or had issues otherwise).

I hear ya. The geeky/anti-social/socially inept/romantically inept guy is something I run into a lot. In touchy-feely emotionally aware type groups, the women do seem to outnumber the men.

SeventeenDayze said:

This guy I met yesterday seems very intelligent, gentle and I didn't do much talking just to see where his head is at and he had a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy.

I talked to someone who is gay about this and they said at times there are people you would think were gay but who are simply not and vice versa, so who knows...

[Edited 5/27/12 7:43am]

Seems like an ideal situation. I'm tired of the course neanderthals out there who are all locked up inside. I'm envious of my lesbian friends.

heartbeatocean said:

SeventeenDayze said:

What kinds of activities would the men outnumber the women? Any suggestions? I'd be willing to do it

Interesting question! I tend to be pretty geeky and daring, so a lot of my interests related to audio tech, experimental film, bluegrass, backpacking, and skiing -- tend to be male dominated. Go for the geeky or maybe athletics. Are you a sports fan? My female cousin is gorgeous but loves dirt biking and watching baseball. Seems like she'd be a good catch.

SeventeenDayze was asking suggestions for activities where men outnumber women, note that the most important element in what you listed here is not about seeking out actvivities where men out number women, you're doing things that you actually like!

Seeking out activities based on man to woman ratio is the wrong approach: but the idea of going for what you're authentically interested in and naturally attracted to, at least means that you get to meet people who have similar tastes to yours and gives you something to bond over, and you don't put yourself in the position of pretending to be something you're not.

The question SeventeenDayze might want to ask herself is what activities or hobbies is she already authentically interested in? Is there anything new or daring that she always wanted to try? I mean, no use in trying a deep fly fishing class if you actually hate the idea of doing it.

Your cousin and the dirt biking: I could see a lot of men finding that incredibly hot.

Well, I guess something to consider is that if I only "stick to what I like" I will inevitably have the same results. So, why keep doing the same thing and expect things to change? I don't have a problem with trying new hobbies and interests but it seems like when I go to these events it mostly is like this:

Women outnumber men by a large ratio

The men there are usually creepy or have visible/outward issues

I get bypassed or overlooked because I'm a black woman (or get the usual, "How did YOU find out about this?" some people are really "surprised" to see blacks at certain events that aren't "hood")

The racial factor is another issue because I'm not ghetto and I'm not an "oreo", if you will. But if I'm honest with myself, I kinda lost interest in black men a long time ago. Not sure why but I don't hate black men just got kinda tired of the same old stereotypes playing out over and over again...

SeventeenDayze said:

Well, I guess something to consider is that if I only "stick to what I like" I will inevitably have the same results. So, why keep doing the same thing and expect things to change? :) I don't have a problem with trying new hobbies and interests but it seems like when I go to these events it mostly is like this:

Women outnumber men by a large ratio

The men there are usually creepy or have visible/outward issues

I get bypassed or overlooked because I'm a black woman (or get the usual, "How did YOU find out about this?" some people are really "surprised" to see blacks at certain events that aren't "hood")

The racial factor is another issue because I'm not ghetto and I'm not an "oreo", if you will. But if I'm honest with myself, I kinda lost interest in black men a long time ago. Not sure why but I don't hate black men just got kinda tired of the same old stereotypes playing out over and over again...

Well what I meant was sticking to hobbies and certain preferences like food, music, spiritual beliefs, etc., and I also mentioned going for something new that you always wanted to try. My point was that you want to try and be as authentic as possible with the new people you meet and not try to pose as something you're not and pretend to have interests that you don't. You'd be surprised how many foolish people out there go this route in order to widen the pool and trap a mate.

The racial factor doesn't have to be an issue at all. I'm a 42 year old black woman whose loves a fine black american man, but have openly, joyously and unabashedly dated males of all races and ethnicities since my first high school formal at the age of 16. Heck, if you're Christian one is taught that the day is coming when there will be no seas (that which metaphorically divides the nations) and we will be all colors and tongues living harmoniously together in love and joy anywa so I say why not just get a head start ?

Ottensen said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Well, I guess something to consider is that if I only "stick to what I like" I will inevitably have the same results. So, why keep doing the same thing and expect things to change? :) I don't have a problem with trying new hobbies and interests but it seems like when I go to these events it mostly is like this:

Women outnumber men by a large ratio

The men there are usually creepy or have visible/outward issues

I get bypassed or overlooked because I'm a black woman (or get the usual, "How did YOU find out about this?" some people are really "surprised" to see blacks at certain events that aren't "hood")

The racial factor is another issue because I'm not ghetto and I'm not an "oreo", if you will. But if I'm honest with myself, I kinda lost interest in black men a long time ago. Not sure why but I don't hate black men just got kinda tired of the same old stereotypes playing out over and over again...

Well what I meant was sticking to hobbies and certain preferences like food, music, spiritual beliefs, etc., and I also mentioned going for something new that you always wanted to try. My point was that you want to try and be as authentic as possible with the new people you meet and not try to pose as something you're not and pretend to have interests that you don't. You'd be surprised how many foolish people out there go this route in order to widen the pool and trap a mate.

The racial factor doesn't have to be an issue at all. I'm a 42 year old black woman whose loves a fine black american man, but have openly, joyously and unabashedly dated males of all races and ethnicities since my first high school formal at the age of 16. Heck, if you're Christian one is taught that the day is coming when there will be no seas (that which metaphorically divides the nations) and we will be all colors and tongues living harmoniously together in love and joy anywa so I say why not just get a head start ?

Oh don't worry, I have dated/shagged men of all nationalities, colors, etc That won't change I think I will give the other guy a chance, he's been online checking my profile and/or emailing me almost daily since we met. If he's a closet case, then time will reveal but perhaps he could be a friend for now that I really need at this point in my life. It's hard to explain but given all the crap that's gone down in my family over the past few years and the decreased desire I have for more female friends, I think something inside me is just saying, "Go about it another way now"...I have to follow that voice

Perhaps I will actually try fly fishing just for the hell of it because you mentioned it in your post

Ottensen said:

heartbeatocean said:

Interesting question! I tend to be pretty geeky and daring, so a lot of my interests related to audio tech, experimental film, bluegrass, backpacking, and skiing -- tend to be male dominated. Go for the geeky or maybe athletics. Are you a sports fan? My female cousin is gorgeous but loves dirt biking and watching baseball. Seems like she'd be a good catch.

SeventeenDayze was asking suggestions for activities where men outnumber women, note that the most important element in what you listed here is not about seeking out actvivities where men out number women, you're doing things that you actually like!

Seeking out activities based on man to woman ratio is the wrong approach: but the idea of going for what you're authentically interested in and naturally attracted to, at least means that you get to meet people who have similar tastes to yours and gives you something to bond over, and you don't put yourself in the position of pretending to be something you're not.

The question SeventeenDayze might want to ask herself is what activities or hobbies is she already authentically interested in? Is there anything new or daring that she always wanted to try? I mean, no use in trying a deep fly fishing class if you actually hate the idea of doing it.

Your cousin and the dirt biking: I could see a lot of men finding that incredibly hot.

Yeah, my cousin is only 18 and she ALWAYS has guys around her. She's a model, really into beauty technique AND dirtbiking. Attractive as well as cowboyish and easy to be friends with. But I should stop talking about her.

OK YES. I totally agree -- be authentic to yourself. In fact, most of the times I've had guys interested in me was when I wasn't paying attention but in the thick of THRIVING at what I do best. They just kind of come out of the woodwork and show up. Now, it takes a lot to get to that point, and I'm not always there, but it seems to happen every time. Like recently, I was collaborating, putting on a play, up to my ears in creativity, telling everybody in the room what to do. Sure enough, a guy whom I was in love with 20 years ago, who was around all this, suddenly hit on me. Holy crap! Completely unexpected, yet it felt totally natural because he was seeing me at my best. We're now getting together regularly.