Ok an agony aunt thread...

Are u pissed off?
Does no1 listen 2 u?
Maybe you've superglued your privates 2 some1 elses?
Maybe you jus' wanna talk shite with me?
Do u jus' want attention?
Do you want your ailments cured?
Would u like 2 see me walk on water?

Jus fire away... or i'll talk to myself , its no hassle honestly...

come on u gotta start Dear Auntie Jane

I'll wait I know how 2 wait ...

Dear Auntie Jane,

I'm a 33 year old man and live in the most fantastic house. Recently, my boyfriend's been asking me to perform some of the most strangest sexual acts and I'm worried that he's lost sexual interest in my body and that is why he's resorting to kinky stuff. Our relationship's fine in other aspects. We still buy each other flowers and chocolates, etc. Recently, whilst out one night at 'Boyz' - a local club, I saw him looking at the young man behind the bar and it made me feel awful.

My question to you is;

Do you think that I might be gay?

Dear Haystacks,

I feel your pains... it does sound very much like u r a back bencher...

Bourneville Boulevard, however appears2b getting rather crowded... its never easy to share a lover... and considering the situation there could be a locomotive feel going ahead the amptly titled 'Lemme Loco.'

If he is resorting to kinky stuff mayb u should aquire a machete a shovel and some lime... otherwise its very much all arsnic and black lace... but this he may enjoy..

Murder however is a serious option, but also a dangerous 1

Yours

Auntie Jane

JaneyPoos said:

Thanks Jane. I now know what I must do.

Dear Auntie Jane,
My husband hardly talks to me...so when he wants to make love, I feel like I'm with a stranger.
So I spoke up and told him this...explained that if he wouldn't communicate more...well U know.
Anyway, he started talking a blue streak...just about 30 minutes before he wants to make love...ugh!
He missed the whole point!
So now when he starts talking, it's a big "turn-off".
I'm like ..."oh, not again!...(sometimes I jump in the SUV and leave).
What...oh whatever shall I do?
Please help me!!!

dear auntie jane:

sometimes when the tide commercial comes on and tells me my whites should be whiter and my colors more colorful, i laugh out loud and dance around in my all-black clothing while thumbing my nose at the makers of tide.

my question is: wouldn't the world be a better place if we passed a law requiring eveeryone to wear all black clothing? wouldn't our waterways contain less phsophorous if our laundry detergent wasn't so full of bleach and chemicals?

a Concerned Citizen

Dear SensualMelody

The problem u r facing, is a tricky 1, which in time can be solved. Your husband whether existant or not appears 2 b rather ignorant.

I am presuming that u want him2speak2 u more and not in no uncertain terms, speak the language of the gutter snipe...

You have got to face up2your fears, sit down with him and tell him that he has misunderstood what you were saying, although go about it in a roundabout way so he doesnt take it personally.

The main problem is determining if the 'old flame' as it were is still there, this could very well be interpreted by his answering technique

i.e. if he appears almost callous towards what u are saying, u must think very seriously about your situation

Yours

Auntie Jane

xXx

Dear XxAxX,

Hmmm u appear2have a very serious problem... I am worried about your suffering of SBCD (Spontaneous Black Clothed Dancing), when u c this whiter than white advert. But leaflets are available from any good supply of shite.

Hmm the question is, of course, a curious 1... I quote, ahem... "wouldn't the world be a better place if we passed a law requiring everyone to wear all black clothing?" Indeed this would be good for many people, but the hazard being that at a funeral for a man with no family the whole village/ town would be forced to attend the ceremony due to drab clothing...

It is also highly possible that. yes, waterways would contain less phosphorus and various other chemicals... but what is wrong with a washboard and some soap? It would cut costs although strange, discoloured almost baby batter style stains would be rife on peoples clothing.

Black however can be a great colour (well shade) and considering the stupid ideas most politicians have chances are this law could be enforced in your area anytime now...

Yours

Auntie Jane

Dear Auntie Jane,

What do u do when ur life sucks, when ur creatively frustrated and u want 2 go home:mad: What do u do when all the guys u date suck and only after 1 thing, that u don't even have, they want it from the same person who has what they have What do u do when everything u thought u know in ur life is all beginning 2 change, the people u thought u know r different and u don't know who 2 trust anymore ??

Sincerly
Mad Hatter

JaneyPoos said:

Thank you, Auntie Jane...but what in the world is "gutter snipe"?
I wait for your reply with bated breath.(so hurry)

Dear MadHatter,

What I do when I feel my life sucks and I'm creatively frustrated is winge... and as this has been often in recent past i jus' go "funny" on people. When u want to go home their are many options... pull a sicky... which is wrong or quit your job and live a life of squalor... it is always better2have money...

When all the guys u date suck u've got to start looking at what type of people u like most in general... like personality... i.e. if i was a man i'd be perfect 4 u lol but i'm not so i bet thats pissed on your bonfire. this 1 thing the want that u dont have i presume u have a gentatalia so i presume it isnt sex... whatever it is you've got to change... 'xcpet if the man u fancy is gay, cos u don't wanna have a sex change...

If they want this mystical thing from the same person who has what they have then maybe u should jus' look 4 some1 who has what u want and likes what they see in you

when everything u thought u know, or indeed u're life is beginning 2 change by means of people u thought u know but r different and you dont know who2trust anymore you have got to ask some questions.

In what way have they changed?
and why are they sooo untrustworthy?

It is difficult when u feel this happens... u may feel lonely and confused, u may change in your own mannerisms. The best way to think is at the end of what u r going through you shall come out the stronger person overall. I am guessing (because u're great) none of these changes r your fault.

You will always have friends... (as cheesy as this sounds) there are always people here and my Inbox is always open U meet people through many situations, u may meet people who are alot better than those u know now and dont cause u any grief and i hope this 4 u

Yours

Auntie Jane

xXx

Dear SensualMelody,

The word gutter snipe... is as u expect not a term which means 'pipes connected 2 rooftops that lead to drains' or a sniper shooting down such a plumetry pipe.

It is a term used on the comedy Bottom (picture in my avatar) that basically is a term for rude language... I hope this as helped u

Yours

Auntie Jane

xXx

Dear Auntie Jane,

I think I 've fallen in love. With a midget.

She works with me at the cheese factory and I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out.
We headed to a local pub and everything was going fine. I felt I had known her all my life.
However, she took offense and stormed out when I inadvertantly rested my pint on the top of her head.

Now she wont talk to me. Work is very tense and I have had to ask to be moved department. To the curd-flanger.

How do I regain my swingbin-sized love? Or, failing that, will I ever learn how that damn flanger works?

mcmeekle

JaneyPoos said:

Oh No! Dear Auntie...I do not want that!
I want communication on a daily basis about a variety of subjects...interesting subjects...and jokes so we can laugh together...
"Gutter snipe" would turn me ice cold! as I am a prude, you see.

@ this thread!

2the9s said:

Me thinks 2the9s needs some of Auntie Jane's advise.

SensualMelody said:

sorry I made a typo in the 1st message thats what i meant

JaneyPoos said:

guter snipe!!!

:Lol: You just made my day great thread!

Dear Mcmeekle

Falling in love with people of the shorter persuasion is not unusual as (if the rumours r true) they are hung like donkeys... although true as it is this will not apply to women of the smaller persuasion anyway.

Hmm the resting of pint 'pon head technique can be a strain on any relationship though in some societys can be considered a grand honour or privledge.

It is sad that the situation has caused a negative atomos in your work place 2 and u may find the leaflet (available from all good redtops) "Cheese, The Love, The Life" helpful in your journey of discovery.

Being a curd-flanger now... u may be experiencing some changes... possibly medical... a doctor is advised for such problems.

I suggest maybe to win back your liliputian lover, u may use, fine wines, belgian chocolates and a large waterbed... U gotta make u're pint sized dolly feel appreciated... approach her in the heat of passion lift her onto a box, or another midget and kiss her... this may very well lead2cupboard love depending on her sexual motivation.

Yours

Auntie Jane

___

DEAR JANE,
I'm not gonna mention MUSE by name, because that may not be rite, BUT i have this friend who we will call Fuse2MoBarols.
now this 'FRIEND' of mine LOVES my dirty drawrers, yet always trys to cover the fact by saying things like ummm "BE BRAVE DARN IT" (something like that)
we have many discussions of OAKLAND landmarks that i should 'get a look at' and DAMN IT i just feel like i've given her enough of an opportunity to SHOW ME THE LITE.
WHUT SHOULD I DO???
PRESSED AGAINST IT...

Dear 00769BAD

A serial number that makes me presume you've been imprisoned.

Ahem... this friend of yours sounds great ... I'm afraid she is a muse 2 no1 though... this i have learnt through experience

Yours

Auntie Jane

@muse
[This message was edited Wed Feb 19 13:21:01 PST 2003 by JaneyPoos]

JaneyPoos said:

I may be Muse to none JAne but i am a friend to you!

BAD! BEHAVE DAMN IT!!! :MAD:

Dear Auntie Jane,

I am having a dinner party for a group of Orgers but I don't have any pots and/or pans (let alone any desire to cook dinner for a group of Orgers). I do have a fondue maker, but my electricity has been shut off and I hate sweaty cheese.

My question for you is can you lend me some money to pay my electric bill?

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Freezing his ass off in New York

Dear Freezing his ass off in New York,

I suggest asking all these orgers to bring something nice to eat... then when they come with nice food u can present u're sweaty, rubbery...cheese. This will lead to pity, and pity will lead to riches.

The real question is if your electricty has been cut off... how is your computer alive? Have u set up Gooey ( ) in a wheel?

I'm afraid I am a pauper so i cant lend u money, I was raised on the street by wolves and rabid badgers who taught me how to rap, and dance the dance of lovers. This of course is very romantic...

dance ya bugger!

Yours

Auntie Jane

Muse2noPharaoh said:

you like that OAKLAND and the PRESSED AGAINST IT
references i made??? :GRIN:

00769BAD said:

In a word... NO!!

never mind
[This message was edited Thu Feb 20 10:45:35 PST 2003 by papercrayon]

Dear Papercrayon,

Never mind what? u repost and I'll answer honest

Yours

Auntie Jane

(available for childrens partys, funerals and weddings)

Dear Auntie Jane.
Thank you so much for you timely advice.
The divorce will be final in a coupla months.

I have another problem.
Althom and bkw have become close friends thru Prince.org.
What sweet Althom does not know is that bkw is well...not what he has presented himself to be. My fear is that he will set up a meeting and put whipped cream all over althom and then..oh I just can't say it...please I don't want to lose althom's friendship...but I fear his anger if I try to warn him about bkw.(he really worships him)
(I have heard that he keeps strange things in those kegs of beer, too.)
What should I do?
Melody