About once or twice a year I think about my cousin that took his life at the age of 21. He and I were very very close...a week before he committed suicide he made an appeal that seemed innocent, but very scared. He'd been a "superstar" football player with a full scholarship to Ohio State (Eddie George type...really). He had been cut down by a very legal block late in his senior season. So this being 1981, there was not the technology of arthroscopic surgery. He was my hero. A week later he was gone...and I have never forgiven him, but dedicate my existence to him.

Is not Suicide the most unforgiveable decision to impose on your family? Is it the most selfish act committed by man? Does your life "really" get that bad...I mean enough to end it all???

This is for you cuz...I love you and I miss you.

Oh, Dex...so true.

I think when all hope is lost, that to some it is. They cannot see beyond it. They do not see how it would affect the family, or how selfish it is, or that it wasn't all that bad...

I had a childhood friend commit suicide at 21 (ironic)...why? Because he loved his girlfriend with all his heart, and during an argument with her - she committed a cardinal sin...she told him the child she was carrying wasn't his - a complete lie to "get back" at him...he wrote about it, and hung himself in his father's garage that same night. His father later found him and took his son's body down. This man was 6' tall, and had the body of a defensive lineman...all muscle. I attended this funeral...the heaviness that hung within the walls of that church felt like death itself.

It is never the answer, as he will hold in his arms the beautiful son he created. He ended all posibility of a beautiful life...

I think that's probably the biggest reason I have haven't done this, even though I felt like it so many times.
Knowing the pain it'll cause my family stops me me from doing so, and the fact that taking my life will mean no giving up comletely, making sure that there's not even a slight chance for a change is the second reason.

While I was typing this response, I got a call from a friend of mine who served in the army with me and another friend. He told me that the other friend took his life

You know...It's a very sad thing to think it can come to that and being on the otherside of it wondering why?... does mind boggling things to those left behind but,it's obvious that yes at a weakend and fragile time in someone's life people really feel it must be better off for them to rid the world of their existence and a final and permanent problem solved.
It is on the other hand very selfish.If suicidal people stopped and thinked of others- loved ones who are going to be affected by this loss and how much they'd be affeced by it reguardless of the way he feels at this time they'd probably not go thru with it.
That there is the problem many times though.many feel unloved and not really cared for enough by others.Perhaps feelings of being more a burden on top of having many personal problems.
Life is not easy for any of us.We all have our struggles and that is why it is very important to help one another along the way and tell peole we love.. that we love them everyday.
This is just what I have to say about suicide..My two cents..and with that said In Loving Memory of your cousin x I'd like to say ...I love you man (my friend) and I'm sorry for this loss you had to experience.
Today I felt this way for about a minuet but,I stopped and thought of the people who'd miss me too much and how life is a gift from God.I don't have the right to end it.

I personally don't think it's selfish. It's a dark place to be in when you think you have no hope. Think about it...NO HOPE for things to get better, NO HOPE of anyone ever seeing your point of view, NO HOPE of knowing how to make things better.

It's a dark place. It's a scary place to even attempt suicide.

It's interesting that people have posted that "if only they would think how someone else would feel if they committed suicide". WOW...if I'm clinical depressed, why do I have to think about YOU?! That's selfish.

If you only remember that this person felt there was no way out even when others would have helped. It's a moment of Hoplessness.

Dex, I only have love for you.

suicide is very real in our society, ive known people that have taken their own lives for various reasons, some of theses are just too obscure to mention. Everyone gets depressed but it must be very extreme to commit suicide over it. I dont really understand why it is a sin to god, that pisses me off bigtime.

Suicide has a huge impact on family and friends, but it is not "imposed". No more than marrying someone the family doesn't like... or choosing a line of work that petrifies everyone. Unfortunately, it's largely our own fault that so many people kill themselves. We do not help depressed people very well as a society. We tell them to get over it. We treat their disease as something to be ashamed of, as something wimpish. How many people state "Depressed" as the reason for a sick day? Only when there's a big drama that excuses it, like death in the family, a breakup, etc. As long as we persist to keep a foot in the 19th century when it comes to mental illness, more people will suicide.

Alejandro said:

Where did you read that suicide as a result of depression or
other illness is not understood by God?

Dex said:

Suicide is often the only solution seen by the person experiencing the difficulties.
Accusing such ones of being selfish is like using gasoline to put out a fire.
You asked, "does your life really get that bad?"...Apparently, for some, yes.

edit
[This message was edited Fri Feb 28 10:21:43 PST 2003 by ScarLett]

My mother took her own life ten years ago. My father took his own life eighteen years ago. By the time I was twenty-four, I had lost both of my parents. It's something that you never get over, you just learn to get through it. As a teenager and now as an adult, I have had serious bouts of depression and have thought about suicide many, many times. I agree with Rhonda who said that she didn't think suicide is selfish. I am a single mom of three and sometimes I think my kids would be better off without me. Not because I'm not a great mom, because I am, but because of the way I feel about myself .The thought of my children, my family, and my friends who love me is not enough reason to make me want to stay here in the horrible world. I get up everyday to come to a job that I absolutely hate that I have to sell my soul to the devil for. I find it harder and harder to get up mornings. I find that I only do certain things, not because I want to, but because I have to. Why am I still here?
1. My love and fear of God.
2. My belief that things just may get better for me.
3. The little moments that make me smile during my day.
4. The fact that there is always someone that I can talk to when I am having a rough day.

I've tried taking my life many times but never accomplished it Thank God!!!

When your in that state of mind you seem to really think it's the best way out. It's very hard to explain and many will never understand it. I was very lucky to have my mother because she always told me what kind of effect it would have on my family memembers. She always told me that my life isn't mine to take. She would remind me that it's not about me but about my family. It's my family life not mine. It stuck with me for about 30 years. With her words of advice and with God guiding me I'm now a surviver, but will never forget the feeling.

Dex I hope one day you can forgive him because he honestly thought it was the right thing to do. All you can do is take it as a learning experience and lend a helpful hand to those that might need you.

Much Love,
LoLinex

lolinex said:

Oh Loli...thank God you made it through...we're all better off that you're here with us

well sometimes people feel so lonely and have so much pain .and sometimes peole are so far lost that they don't find the way back .
sometimes people have to fight so hard 2 get thrue life.
and sometimes people feel there heart breaking in honderdmillion pieces.and don't find the way 2 get it back 2gether.

u can only understand why people want 2 end there life's if you feel what they are feeling.

4 years ago i tryed to end my life to.

but like a great man once said.

u have to go thrue hell to find heaven.

so however bad your feeling don't give up and keep fighting .

because i did and i'm really in heaven now

applekisses said:

Awww thanks AppleBabe

I was blessed to make it through decades of horrible thoughts. And I'm lucky to know the feelings so I can relate to others that are there now. I try to go out my way and help those in need. You never believe you'll make it through but one day you do and I'm Happier than ever. I thank God every single minute of the day.

My mother told me recently she never thought she would see me turn 30, but now I have proven her wrong. It hurt so bad to hear my mother say that though. It hurt to know I put my mother through that kind of pain, but now we have a lifetime to celebrate.

If anybody ever needs someone to talk to I'm here for you!!! If I don't contact you ASAP it's not because I don't care it's because work has taken me away for a while.

Much Love,
LoLinex

lolinex said:

Thank God you're still here with us, LoLinex. I've always thought you are an exceptional person and though I don't know you very well, you're an unforgettable human.


And Dexy, I am so sorry you had to endure the aftermath, along with everyone else on this thread, it must be so painful. To consider it yourself or to have a loved one commit the act. Pain can be overwhelming sometimes, loneliness, and the overall feeling that no one cares about you. You've just go to to remember that someone always does, even if you don't believe that, it's totally true. Because I do!



Jana

.

I know what it's like to lose someone that your very close to due to suicide, my uncle put a gun in his mouth and killed himself when I was 12, and to make things worse my cousin was standing right there at the time beggin him not to do it.

stymie said:

for you.

stymie said:

OH WOW MAN

POOK RESPECT THAT

I was trying to think how I should respond to this thread, because I attempted suicide once, after years of feeling worthless and hating myself, but then...

lovesexy4u said:

and thats what I wanted to say.

That's pretty powerful to think that one person or one event would make you want to end your own life.

I can't really think of anything or anyone thats worth committing suicide over.

Every day you wake up to is worth it.

Tom said:

First of all, I would like to say a heartfelt "Thank You" to Pook and Conscious. Tom, it is not one event or one person that makes me contemplate suicide on a nearly everyday basis. There is a series of things. The daily struggle to take care of my entire family. My autistic son. It all gets to be overwhelming to me sometimes. I try to believe that everyday is a new chance and it helps.

stymie said:

I know exactly what you mean. Just keep your head up high and remember you are loved and worthy!!!

Much Love,
LoLinex

lolinex said:

LoLinex!!

Rhondab said:

I completely agree with Rhondab..

Nobody can truly understand it unless you have been close to suicide yourself. Sometimes you arent loved, sometimes you are loved too much but the depression you have brings guilt upon you cos you know you are gonna hurt the people you love and love you. If you are so down you cannot control it, it is not the case of 'snapping yourself out of it' it can be uncontrollable and is a very sad state of mind which I truly know about.

Everyone is different, we have different minds, tragedies, upbringings and experiences, put them all together - who is to say what is selfish and not so?

Thoughts, actions and ways of dealing with these are all unique in each other which makes each person so individual and special.

My problem is I love and care for others too much and do not care for myself enough, and yes I admit, I do fuck up, but I do not want to be punished all my life for just being human, I am only dealing with it in my own way, the only way I know which feels right for me. And if I have hurt people at least they will be 'comforted' that I am hurting myself 100 fold - so there is justice in the world after all in this dark scary hole. The injustice is that it can happen to anyone and also for inexplainable reasons.

One day soon, or far away, I will not be here and I hope my family and friends (although will be very hurt) will understand that it was my decision and my only way out, and I truly tried to seek help but help was just never enough.


Turn the tables completely and I would be completely gutted if it happened to somebody close to me, but the day we really understand life is the day the world ends...


Complicated and confusing, yes.. but each day is a struggle but also a gift, and a new opportunity..

I feel really moved to read such openness by so many on such a sensitive subject.

Aerogram said:

Because feelings are invisible, people tend to not take feelings seriously. I am also guilty of being desensitised to another persons suffering. It is a way of being that I dislike intensly in myself.

I think that hope starts in self. I have been and continue to sort my own world out. I have experienced feeling sensitive to other people and their pain through tending to my own needs first. By doing it this way, I can experience and understand first hand, compassion and understanding, as I have given that to me first. Then I can have the space and know how to extend to others as well. The act of that compassion is very beautiful and really does make a difference. I have been in places where there is no hope and terrible suffering inside. I still do get in that space at times.

I'm really with you on this one Aerogram. Many a time I have gone to work with invisible wounds which probably hurt more than a physical wound would ever do. Yeah, only if a major drama goes with feelings of depression, then other people can accept time taken out. The same goes in my experience within my family, I've noticed that my feelings are not taken seriously unless there is a big drama displaying them... tears... raised voices etc. Doing things differently now. A few years ago, I took myself out of the kind of working environment where this kind of thing would happen. That was one step toward self care. I believe there are many more that I have taken.

I also realise that it is futile to wait to be noticed by others - the one person that really needs to notice, is me, or you. We need to notice and pay attention to our own suffering and do as much as possible to help ourselves. No one else can save me, as I can not save anyone else. Yet, now I am practising saving myself, I can extend my concern understanding and empathy to others, which is worth so, so much.

I wish all those in pain

I'll be blunt. I tried. Twice last year. I had a really horrible argument with my girlfriend and I knew I was in the wrong and apologized. It wasn't enough for her so I kept on apologizing for months after that trying to make it up to her. I felt so drained and empty. The only thing I had left was this overwhelming guilt and it was so powerful it overtook me. Nothing mattered to me because I felt I had ruined what could possibly have been a very beautiful relationship. The thought of being alone again after finding someone was too much.

What saved me was my friends. You really find out who are your true friends in your darkest hour. What gets to me is that I gave in to my sorrow. I gave up. I found out that it's all right to be knocked down because...my will, my spirit took control or rather my will to fight. Yeah I got knocked down and I might even have given up and laid there. But I rose up. It took every thing I had and I had NOTHING left but I still did it. My mind and heart were and still is crushed beyond repair but for better or worse, I'm still standing. I'm still here. I'll be damned if I ever give up on myself again. Later.

I'm just on my way to a funeral of a friend who took his life yesterday before dawn.
He started a new business and was so eager for it to succeed, and didn't expect the difficulties of a new business. His cheques started to bounce, and he felt bad because he finally found something he wanted to do and it blew up in his face.
He was living with his lover and her child.
During the weekend he went to visit a friend up north and when he came back, he went to his mother's place very late at night.
When his mother woke up in the morning, she found him hanged in the kitchen.

stymie said:

You're projecting the way you feel about yourself to how you think your children feel about you. It ain't necessarily so.

I've read through most of the posts in this thread and it's truly heartbreaking to me. You guys have a lot of courage to put your pain out there like that. I can do nothing but admire that kind of courage. But I do offer my ears for anybody who just needs to talk to someone about their travails. Orgnote me if you want.