SHOCKADELICA1 said:

Nope. Not good at forgiving or forgetting.

but do you ever wish you were better at it?

Depends on what it is. You steal my snickers bar i can forgive. You kill my mother i probably won't let go.

forgiveness is a "work in progress".

obviously, what a person chooses to forgive - or not forgive - depends on the person involved, the circumstances, the severity of the transgression, & sometimes other factors..

in past years I tended to hold on to certain grudges. after enough time had passed, I thought about why I held these certain grudges & I tried to.. "compare" what it was about those transgressions that made me not want to forgive those who had done me wrong.

I realized that there really wasn't a connection, there really wasn't a "pattern" to when or how or against whom I held these grudges & wouldn't forgive the transgressors.

at that point I decided that as MUCH AS I POSSIBLY COULD.. I would simply forgive the 1 who hurt me. sometimes, that's VERY DIFFICULT to do.. I know..

I came to realize that (obviously) I had no control over the other person's actions. I don't know - I couldn't always be sure - that I knew the reason(s) behind why that person treated me badly.. if it was "intentional" or not.

all that to say - I understand now that there is a POWER in forgiving someone who's done me wrong. I use the word "power" because I believe I regain some sense of that when I forgive the person who's done me wrong. as someone else said in a post here earlier - eyesofwonder? - I don't think I would forget certain transgressions.. but I definitely see the benefit - in most cases - of simply forgiving the other person. so while I couldn't control what the other person did (or not).. I could control my reaction/response to the other person's actions.

by forgiving the other person.. I relieve myself of the anger or resentment or other negative feeling(s) that came to me as a result of the transgression. I didn't want (& don't want) that negativity to consume me, I didn't want to be identified by or characterized by the anger/resentment I had for the person after whatever they had done to me. I realized that with some grudges, maintaining them took A LOT of energy out of me - energy that I could have used in a positive way or in some other (positive, life-affirming) way.

plus - indeed - I know there've been times when I've done wrong to someone else; sometimes intentionally, usually not. once I know I've done wrong, I felt bad about what I did & most of the time, I would want to be forgiven. being on that "transgressor side" of the "equation", I know that's a very helpless feeling. it's a heavy feeling to have, knowing that you did someone wrong in some way & in their eyes, they will not forgive you no matter how much you apologize or how sincere your apology was, or your efforts to take responsibility for what you did wrong & work to make the relationship better again..

the 1 thing that has helped me maintain this "mentality of forgiveness" is that I pray to God to give me the ability to forgive others. I include this in my prayer every day. praying about that (& everything else, in fact) helps me keep those things "on my radar" so that ideally, I can do that thing that I need to do at that time & in that situation.

well.. to answer the initial question:

I believe that I am fully able to forgive.

sometimes it's not easy..but I think I've done a reasonable job of forgiving others.

in the long-term

I'm better off for it

& ideally, I can maintain the relationship with the other person.

maybe not the same way as it was before the transgression..

but still maintain it in a positive place

for the other person & for myself.

ah.

I was so focused on writing about my perspective on forgiveness that I didn't mention 2 other posts I thought were right on it.. so I'll do that now..

paintedlady made the very valid point about getting over the pain/hurt of having been done wrong. indeed, it's REALLY HARD to forgive someone if you're still feeling the pain from what they did to you.

I see no "timetable" in the time it takes for a person to get over being hurt. I think that sometimes, it's in your best interest to get over your pain sooner than later.. but yet again.. it depends on the other person, what they did, etc.

then, what free2bfreeda said was really on point; especially the part of letting go of the negative past, mainly because you cannot "go back in time" & undo or avoid what the other person did to you. I think that finding the lesson learned can be very challenging.. because it's often a challenge to be objective in a situation in which you find yourself hurt by someone else. yeah - that bitterness & holding on to that (&/or the grudge).. I know there were a few times in the past when I was so consumed by what the other person did to me.. that I didn't want to eat.. & even 1 or 2 times, I could not sleep. holding onto something like that, to the point where you can't function as you normally would.. that's definitely not worth it.

I did want to acknowledge in particular the posts above..

StillGotIt said:

Okay...I'm not looking for some religious philosophy or anything. I just noticed that I dont let go of some things to0 easily. Like if somebody seriously hurt me as a child, and I had a chance 20 years later to run them over without ever getting caught...I would find that option alluring.

I tip my hat to those that can forgive, and I know I have tried. And I'm generally chill...but there are those people I just want to push off of a cliff. Some shit never goes away....its like a fresh new wound at the mere sight of the offender. And when I feel that anger I'm like, shit--this is still bothering me? So apparently, I dont forgive much, I just store shit away until it is again relevant. I've heard it said that in order to forgive, one must forget. I dont forget most things, I couldn't if I tried. How do you put out those feelings that just make you wish you could run somebody over?

I forgive without forgetting. It's not that you 'forget,' it's just not emotional.

Sometimes I've found it hurts to forgive. I didn't want to, but had to, for me.

As long as I ask God for forgiveness, I will forgive, even when it hurts to do so. (It hurts because I am not ready to, I want to hate and hurt someone, but when I pray I ask for forgiveness and I can't ask it for myself yet deny it to another.)

SUPRMAN said:

StillGotIt said:

Okay...I'm not looking for some religious philosophy or anything. I just noticed that I dont let go of some things to0 easily. Like if somebody seriously hurt me as a child, and I had a chance 20 years later to run them over without ever getting caught...I would find that option alluring.

I tip my hat to those that can forgive, and I know I have tried. And I'm generally chill...but there are those people I just want to push off of a cliff. Some shit never goes away....its like a fresh new wound at the mere sight of the offender. And when I feel that anger I'm like, shit--this is still bothering me? So apparently, I dont forgive much, I just store shit away until it is again relevant. I've heard it said that in order to forgive, one must forget. I dont forget most things, I couldn't if I tried. How do you put out those feelings that just make you wish you could run somebody over?

I forgive without forgetting. It's not that you 'forget,' it's just not emotional.

Sometimes I've found it hurts to forgive. I didn't want to, but had to, for me.

As long as I ask God for forgiveness, I will forgive, even when it hurts to do so. (It hurts because I am not ready to, I want to hate and hurt someone, but when I pray I ask for forgiveness and I can't ask it for myself yet deny it to another.)

Spot-on man.

Yeah. If anything I'm too forgiving and I let people back into my life that hurt me, only for them to hurt me again.

But I'm working on that.

Militant said:

Yeah. If anything I'm too forgiving and I let people back into my life that hurt me, only for them to hurt me again.

But I'm working on that.

I'm currently working on that right now.

I've just listened to some good stuff about letting go. Like spilled water on the ground which cannot be gathered up, let it go move on or die of thirst.

Forgive yes,,,,,forget? nope

morningsong said:

I've just listened to some good stuff about letting go. Like spilled water on the ground which cannot be gathered up, let it go move on or die of thirst.

sounds good...what were you listening too?

StillGotIt said:

morningsong said:

I've just listened to some good stuff about letting go. Like spilled water on the ground which cannot be gathered up, let it go move on or die of thirst.

sounds good...what were you listening too?

It was some religious stuff but some of the things that were said kind of struck me as interesting.