Yes, I can forgive if someone apologies. In my experience people really don't apologize that much, they just pretend nothing happened, that's not the same thing as an apology in my book. But I'm not the same way with that person, the relationship changes, given time it may mend itself but they have their part as much as I have mine.

paintedlady said:

I think I was able to move on once I recieved healing from my pain... some sort of resolution.

It is harder to forgive when the person who trespassed against you still does or will do so if given the chance. So, IMHO there is no real chance for a healing to occur, you just walk around with an open wound.... metaphorically speaking.. but just as you would grow weak physiacally and bleed to death, so is an open emotional wound that is allowed to grow making one bitter,

Insead of wondering about forgivness, I focus on myself and my own healing. Forgiveness and moving forward (healing) comes with that process.

I was so hurt and wounded by people who didn't really appreciate or even realize all the pain they caused me and so in their will hurt me again. So, I take the stance that they didn't mean to hurt me, and then I go about starting a new relationship that has been re-tooled to protect myself from past hurts with that person.

I speak of my family memebers, I tend to cut off friends who betray me since I find them to be less likely to change.

StillGotIt said:

Okay...I'm not looking for some religious philosophy or anything. I just noticed that I dont let go of some things to0 easily. Like if somebody seriously hurt me as a child, and I had a chance 20 years later to run them over without ever getting caught...I would find that option alluring.

I tip my hat to those that can forgive, and I know I have tried. And I'm generally chill...but there are those people I just want to push off of a cliff. Some shit never goes away....its like a fresh new wound at the mere sight of the offender. And when I feel that anger I'm like, shit--this is still bothering me? So apparently, I dont forgive much, I just store shit away until it is again relevant. I've heard it said that in order to forgive, one must forget. I dont forget most things, I couldn't if I tried. How do you put out those feelings that just make you wish you could run somebody over?

Forgiveness is simply letting go of the past so that it doesn't continue to ruin your present. That doesn't mean you have to like the perpetrator or even get on with them - you just let them go with love.

By holding onto resentment, you're only messing yourself up - the other person is oblivious to your feelings because they're so internalised. I honestly believe that holding onto the resentment and victim mentality is the stuff of physical sickness. If you don't let go of it, it will show up as a physical symptom.

Can't remember where I heard this but I found it invaluable: 'Resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die'.

I should add it's really important to forigve yourself before you even attempt to forgive others. Have compassion for yourself first of all and then forgiveness will be easier with others.

My initial response was to say yes, that I do forgive but if I really think about it and be honest with myself, I don't think I do. I just trick myself into thinking that I do so that I can continue to have people who have hurt me in my life...simply because I am unable to just let them go.

But really, every interaction I have is tainted with pain, no matter how much I try to bury it in my psyche...so if I am still hurting, I must not have fully forgiven them.

JustErin said:

My initial response was to say yes, that I do forgive but if I really think about it and be honest with myself, I don't think I do. I just trick myself into thinking that I do so that I can continue to have people who have hurt me in my life...simply because I am unable to just let them go.

But really, every interaction I have is tainted with pain, no matter how much I try to bury it in my psyche...so if I am still hurting, I must not have fully forgiven them.

I do this with one person in my life. And even though him and I aren't on speaking terms at the moment (as we do off and on), I still find it hard to let him go, knowing good and well that I should. Otherwise, with everything and everyone else, I'm able to forgive but not forget.

KingBAD said:

having issues with others

is just like havin prollums

if you try to remember whut

youor biggest prollum was

a moth ago, 90% of the time

you won't remember.

after one realises this

it can work by the week and day

once you can do the set aside

one finds it easier to more fully

forgive...

fully forgiving goes a long way

toward fully healin one's self.

not forgiving, only hurts the unforgiving.

Yes !

kimrachell said:

Right back at cha chica!

no

Yeah I am.

Not hardwired to hold grudges and never have been.

I get mad right around the time something happens then it blows over and after that I just don't care anymore honestly.

When I was a kid I'd get pissy at my siblings for this or that and then five minutes later be totally fine again and wanna go outside and play. They held grudges longer than I did.

paintedlady said:

I think I was able to move on once I recieved healing from my pain... some sort of resolution.

It is harder to forgive when the person who trespassed against you still does or will do so if given the chance. So, IMHO there is no real chance for a healing to occur, you just walk around with an open wound.... metaphorically speaking.. but just as you would grow weak physiacally and bleed to death, so is an open emotional wound that is allowed to grow making one bitter,

Insead of wondering about forgivness, I focus on myself and my own healing. Forgiveness and moving forward (healing) comes with that process.

I was so hurt and wounded by people who didn't really appreciate or even realize all the pain they caused me and so in their will hurt me again. So, I take the stance that they didn't mean to hurt me, and then I go about starting a new relationship that has been re-tooled to protect myself from past hurts with that person.

I speak of my family memebers, I tend to cut off friends who betray me since I find them to be less likely to change.

KingBAD said:

fully forgiving goes a long way

toward fully healin one's self.

not forgiving, only hurts the unforgiving.

NewFunk said:

StillGotIt said:

Okay...I'm not looking for some religious philosophy or anything. I just noticed that I dont let go of some things to0 easily. Like if somebody seriously hurt me as a child, and I had a chance 20 years later to run them over without ever getting caught...I would find that option alluring.

I tip my hat to those that can forgive, and I know I have tried. And I'm generally chill...but there are those people I just want to push off of a cliff. Some shit never goes away....its like a fresh new wound at the mere sight of the offender. And when I feel that anger I'm like, shit--this is still bothering me? So apparently, I dont forgive much, I just store shit away until it is again relevant. I've heard it said that in order to forgive, one must forget. I dont forget most things, I couldn't if I tried. How do you put out those feelings that just make you wish you could run somebody over?

Forgiveness is simply letting go of the past so that it doesn't continue to ruin your present. That doesn't mean you have to like the perpetrator or even get on with them - you just let them go with love.

By holding onto resentment, you're only messing yourself up - the other person is oblivious to your feelings because they're so internalised. I honestly believe that holding onto the resentment and victim mentality is the stuff of physical sickness. If you don't let go of it, it will show up as a physical symptom.

Can't remember where I heard this but I found it invaluable: 'Resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die'.

I should add it's really important to forigve yourself before you even attempt to forgive others. Have compassion for yourself first of all and then forgiveness will be easier with others.

Thats the problem....letting go of resentment that I might not even be fully aware of. Forgiving myself? Hmm......could I be angry at myself about something? (Sometimes I do have thoughts of "I wish I had just beat the shit out of her" back when that was an option.....)

Dren5 said:

Yeah I am.

Not hardwired to hold grudges and never have been.

I get mad right around the time something happens then it blows over and after that I just don't care anymore honestly.

When I was a kid I'd get pissy at my siblings for this or that and then five minutes later be totally fine again and wanna go outside and play. They held grudges longer than I did.

Thats a gift. I used to plot again my siblings and get them back if I could..... But you see...they would never stop it seemed unless i did the "ultimate" thing that they didn't want to have repeated. I had one brother where I opened all of his electronics with screwdrives and pulled out wires....he REALLY loved his electronics. Before I did that, he thought my responses to his mean actions were entertaining. It didn't make him care, but it did make him stop.

StillGotIt said:

NewFunk said:

Forgiveness is simply letting go of the past so that it doesn't continue to ruin your present. That doesn't mean you have to like the perpetrator or even get on with them - you just let them go with love.

By holding onto resentment, you're only messing yourself up - the other person is oblivious to your feelings because they're so internalised. I honestly believe that holding onto the resentment and victim mentality is the stuff of physical sickness. If you don't let go of it, it will show up as a physical symptom.

Can't remember where I heard this but I found it invaluable: 'Resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die'.

I should add it's really important to forigve yourself before you even attempt to forgive others. Have compassion for yourself first of all and then forgiveness will be easier with others.

Thats the problem....letting go of resentment that I might not even be fully aware of. Forgiving myself? Hmm......could I be angry at myself about something? (Sometimes I do have thoughts of "I wish I had just beat the shit out of her" back when that was an option.....)

This is the part I don't get - why are you that worked up about kids calling you names or whatever, decades ago? I can't fathom that. And not because I wasn't bullied - I was pretty much the Carrie White of my highschool.

Really it's something so minor, just a few dumb words from people who were just as young as you and really didn't know their heads from their asses. Why is it under your skin like that?

I'm genuinely trying to understand that because I hold absolutely no grudges against any of the kids who gave me a hard time, at all and wish them absolutely no ill will and don't even think about them other than when the subject of high school comes up. Would I intentionally seek them out to hang out, or if I bumped into them on the street would I want to talk to them? No, but I truly feel no lingering anger, bitterness or anything else toward them.

I just wonder about it because I've seen other people say they feel the same way as you about it and I'm trying to figure out why people feel and think that way because it's so totally foreign to me.

morningsong said:

Yes, I can forgive if someone apologies. In my experience people really don't apologize that much, they just pretend nothing happened, that's not the same thing as an apology in my book. But I'm not the same way with that person, the relationship changes, given time it may mend itself but they have their part as much as I have mine.

Those that did the worst usually don't apologize---its probably because they are without regret. Bumping into somebody and causing them to burn themselves on their hot cup of coffee is one thing. Throwing hot coffee on somebody is something else....sadly a lot of people just dont give a shit

paintedlady said:

I think I was able to move on once I recieved healing from my pain... some sort of resolution.

It is harder to forgive when the person who trespassed against you still does or will do so if given the chance. So, IMHO there is no real chance for a healing to occur, you just walk around with an open wound.... metaphorically speaking.. but just as you would grow weak physiacally and bleed to death, so is an open emotional wound that is allowed to grow making one bitter,

Insead of wondering about forgivness, I focus on myself and my own healing. Forgiveness and moving forward (healing) comes with that process.

I was so hurt and wounded by people who didn't really appreciate or even realize all the pain they caused me and so in their will hurt me again. So, I take the stance that they didn't mean to hurt me, and then I go about starting a new relationship that has been re-tooled to protect myself from past hurts with that person.

I speak of my family memebers, I tend to cut off friends who betray me since I find them to be less likely to change.

I must say....from some things I know, I have to commend you for still communicating with some people...although I have moments when I just want to choke you for doing so because you do not deserve to be mistreated over and over again........but a part of me also admires you for your kindness.

MacDaddy said:

Yes I can, but to be honest, not much bad stuff has happened to me actually.

Sure, there were issues in relationships, but never to such an extent that I ended up hating the SO.

I consider myself very lucky with the easy life I’ve lived so far. So yes, for me it’s easy to forgive and move on.

If I was living a very harsh life, my outlook on this might be completely different.

Then again, I’m not a spiteful person, never was.

This.

Plus...I come from people who don't hang onto things. When we get angry, we blow up and that's it - it's over.

I have a great memory and could totally do the, "Remember that time in 1993 when you " But honestly, it just takes too much energy and isn't worth it.

Dren5 said:

StillGotIt said:

Thats the problem....letting go of resentment that I might not even be fully aware of. Forgiving myself? Hmm......could I be angry at myself about something? (Sometimes I do have thoughts of "I wish I had just beat the shit out of her" back when that was an option.....)

This is the part I don't get - why are you that worked up about kids calling you names or whatever, decades ago? I can't fathom that. And not because I wasn't bullied - I was pretty much the Carrie White of my highschool.

Really it's something so minor, just a few dumb words from people who were just as young as you and really didn't know their heads from their asses. Why is it under your skin like that?

I'm genuinely trying to understand that because I hold absolutely no grudges against any of the kids who gave me a hard time, at all and wish them absolutely no ill will and don't even think about them other than when the subject of high school comes up. Would I intentionally seek them out to hang out, or if I bumped into them on the street would I want to talk to them? No, but I truly feel no lingering anger, bitterness or anything else toward them.

I just wonder about it because I've seen other people say they feel the same way as you about it and I'm trying to figure out why people feel and think that way because it's so totally foreign to me.

ummmm....I am not worked up about bullying or kids calling me names. that is quite minor to me....

For example...somebody deliberately killed my cat and tried to give a piece of him to me with a smile on their face. another threw all of my kittens into a box and then threw the box onto train tracks. Shit like that.....(yep...I am telling the truth). And I must say......those pet incidents are MINOR when I look at everything......just horrid, evil people. Not people who teased me because I had little tits. That is the major stuff. The minor stuff...well, I didn't have time to even notice the minor stuff......

StillGotIt said:

Dren5 said:

This is the part I don't get - why are you that worked up about kids calling you names or whatever, decades ago? I can't fathom that. And not because I wasn't bullied - I was pretty much the Carrie White of my highschool.

Really it's something so minor, just a few dumb words from people who were just as young as you and really didn't know their heads from their asses. Why is it under your skin like that?

I'm genuinely trying to understand that because I hold absolutely no grudges against any of the kids who gave me a hard time, at all and wish them absolutely no ill will and don't even think about them other than when the subject of high school comes up. Would I intentionally seek them out to hang out, or if I bumped into them on the street would I want to talk to them? No, but I truly feel no lingering anger, bitterness or anything else toward them.

I just wonder about it because I've seen other people say they feel the same way as you about it and I'm trying to figure out why people feel and think that way because it's so totally foreign to me.

ummmm....I am not worked up about bullying or kids calling me names. that is quite minor to me....

For example...somebody deliberately killed my cat and tried to give a piece of him to me with a smile on their face. another threw all of my kittens into a box and then threw the box onto train tracks. Shit like that.....(yep...I am telling the truth). And I must say......those pet incidents are MINOR when I look at everything......just horrid, evil people. Not people who teased me because I had little tits. That is the major stuff. The minor stuff...well, I didn't have time to even notice the minor stuff......

No. Words.

PurpleJedi said:

StillGotIt said:

ummmm....I am not worked up about bullying or kids calling me names. that is quite minor to me....

For example...somebody deliberately killed my cat and tried to give a piece of him to me with a smile on their face. another threw all of my kittens into a box and then threw the box onto train tracks. Shit like that.....(yep...I am telling the truth). And I must say......those pet incidents are MINOR when I look at everything......just horrid, evil people. Not people who teased me because I had little tits. That is the major stuff. The minor stuff...well, I didn't have time to even notice the minor stuff......

No. Words.

Yup... I was there she was 14... her cat was in a superb and healthy condition a few months before she left that house. We came back to visit and check up on the cat. They killed it, it was only a year old or so.

paintedlady said:

PurpleJedi said:

No. Words.

Yup... I was there she was 14... her cat was in a superb and healthy condition a few months before she left that house. We came back to visit and check up on the cat. They killed it, it was only a year old or so.

actually, I had last seen him healthy just 2 days before, I stopped by to make sure I would have access to take the cat....and then I brought you back with me to get it knowing tha evil person would not be present (and I was apparently set up)

[Edited 2/3/12 15:59pm]

paintedlady said:

PurpleJedi said:

No. Words.

Yup... I was there she was 14... her cat was in a superb and healthy condition a few months before she left that house. We came back to visit and check up on the cat. They killed it, it was only a year old or so.

I think that was the day when you TRULY understood me and my fear......

[Edited 2/3/12 16:17pm]

StillGotIt said:

NewFunk said:

Forgiveness is simply letting go of the past so that it doesn't continue to ruin your present. That doesn't mean you have to like the perpetrator or even get on with them - you just let them go with love.

By holding onto resentment, you're only messing yourself up - the other person is oblivious to your feelings because they're so internalised. I honestly believe that holding onto the resentment and victim mentality is the stuff of physical sickness. If you don't let go of it, it will show up as a physical symptom.

Can't remember where I heard this but I found it invaluable: 'Resentment is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die'.

I should add it's really important to forigve yourself before you even attempt to forgive others. Have compassion for yourself first of all and then forgiveness will be easier with others.

Thats the problem....letting go of resentment that I might not even be fully aware of. Forgiving myself? Hmm......could I be angry at myself about something? (Sometimes I do have thoughts of "I wish I had just beat the shit out of her" back when that was an option.....)

Yeah, you've got to forgive yourself for holding onto the beliefs that they instilled in you. I was bullied too. I didn't deserve it but I did play a part in it because I held onto the stuff they said . I carried it around for 20 years and, on some level, I believed what they were saying - that's MY responsibility. I retraumatised myself by not letting go. That's all my work.

I therefore had to forgive myself before I could learn to forgive others. Beating myself up by replaying the incident is not a very compassionate thing to do to myself. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well but clinging onto those episodes from the past is effectively bullying yourself...

What I'm trying to say is: be compassionate with yourself and the forgiveness will come.

StillGotIt said:

Dren5 said:

This is the part I don't get - why are you that worked up about kids calling you names or whatever, decades ago? I can't fathom that. And not because I wasn't bullied - I was pretty much the Carrie White of my highschool.

Really it's something so minor, just a few dumb words from people who were just as young as you and really didn't know their heads from their asses. Why is it under your skin like that?

I'm genuinely trying to understand that because I hold absolutely no grudges against any of the kids who gave me a hard time, at all and wish them absolutely no ill will and don't even think about them other than when the subject of high school comes up. Would I intentionally seek them out to hang out, or if I bumped into them on the street would I want to talk to them? No, but I truly feel no lingering anger, bitterness or anything else toward them.

I just wonder about it because I've seen other people say they feel the same way as you about it and I'm trying to figure out why people feel and think that way because it's so totally foreign to me.

ummmm....I am not worked up about bullying or kids calling me names. that is quite minor to me....

For example...somebody deliberately killed my cat and tried to give a piece of him to me with a smile on their face. another threw all of my kittens into a box and then threw the box onto train tracks. Shit like that.....(yep...I am telling the truth). And I must say......those pet incidents are MINOR when I look at everything......just horrid, evil people. Not people who teased me because I had little tits. That is the major stuff. The minor stuff...well, I didn't have time to even notice the minor stuff......

Uh, that's see ya have a nice life and changing my locks time. I'm no where near that tolerant. One would expect a degree of self-preservation to kick in cause that's one mean sob.

[Edited 2/4/12 11:42am]

StillGotIt said:

paintedlady said:

Yup... I was there she was 14... her cat was in a superb and healthy condition a few months before she left that house. We came back to visit and check up on the cat. They killed it, it was only a year old or so.

I think that was the day when you TRULY understood me and my fear......

[Edited 2/3/12 16:17pm]

Yeah it was unbelievable... but it finally started to sink in.

paintedlady said:

StillGotIt said:

I think that was the day when you TRULY understood me and my fear......

Yeah it was unbelievable... but it finally started to sink in.

x 1,000 to each of you.

Nope. Not good at forgiving or forgetting.

I can truly forgive someone as long as I can sit down with them & get everything out & be honest. If I can do that with them & they're genuinely remorseful & sorry for what they did, I can absolutely forgive them. With some, do I just let things go? Yes. But it's hard to forget things that people have done...it really is

PurpleJedi said:

paintedlady said:

Yeah it was unbelievable... but it finally started to sink in.

x 1,000 to each of you.

awww....ty.....

Tittypants said:

I can truly forgive someone as long as I can sit down with them & get everything out & be honest. If I can do that with them & they're genuinely remorseful & sorry for what they did, I can absolutely forgive them. With some, do I just let things go? Yes. But it's hard to forget things that people have done...it really is

those are good requirements for forgiveness.......