From The Guardian:

Top five regrets of the dying

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

--------------------------------------

I have to say that reading the above feels incredibly frustrating. And the reason is that I've always been aware of most of it, but because most people wait until their friggin' DEATH BED to realize it, it becomes hard for the rest of us to make things happen too, despite our awareness.

Example: "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends" - I can make efforts to stay in touch with people until the cows come home, but if they don't do their part we simply won't stay in touch!

Another example: "I wish I hadn't worked so hard" - I have always prioritized friends and family over work and made efforts to make the most of my free time, but if they don't do that then what good will it do? Am I supposed to sit there and wait for them to come home from working overtime every day?

A third example: The mislabeled "I wish I had let myself be happier" which should really be called "I wish I had dared to do things outside my comfort zone" - I keep on trying to get people to come along and do new, fun, exciting stuff but if they refuse, I have to either do it all alone or not do it at all.

UGH, if they only screwed up their own lives by refusing to see simple truths for several decades then that would at least be kind of acceptable (I mean it's their own fault after all) but why do they have to drag me along too?

I'm sure I would regret many other things on my death bed (a person completely without regrets must lack conscience or just be plain delusional, because nobody is so perfect that they've lived a life without things worth regretting) but the above things wouldn't be among them.

What do you think would be your regrets on your death bed, if things continue for the rest of your life to move in the same direction as they do now?

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's so hard when there's tension between members of the immediate family. No matter how much you don't want to let it affect you, it's nearly impossible not to.

retina said:

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's so hard when there's tension between members of the immediate family. No matter how much you don't want to let it affect you, it's nearly impossible not to.

[Edited 2/2/12 13:38pm]

"Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

that right there is a piece of subjective bullshit

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

so you need to apply rule number 5 and allow yourself to be happy if you're going to regret either choice you make... you need to change your expectations of what making that choice will mean

I read this list yesterday and, thankfully, I don’t think any of these apply to me.

But I like your question. If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna regret not taking more chances with my career.

The older I get, the more I realize I’d rather spend the vast majority of my day doing something else. And yet the older I get, the more secure in my company and field I am and so it becomes harder to leave. I see people who are passionate about what they do and I’m envious. And there are times I’m sitting in meetings and all I can think is “Really? This is how I spend my precious time?”

I get ideas now and again and I let them go. I need to stop letting them go.

Of course it will always be frustrating that other people don't respond when you reach out to them, but I don't doubt that if you make an effort to not work too hard, to keep in touch, to have fun, etc. that it will benefit your life, even if some friends don't make the same effort.

Imagine, if a friend only responds with 5% of the effort you are putting out, but you have ten friends who you make an effort with. That would give you a pretty significant boost in YOUR interaction with your friends overall. And they in turn will get a small boost because of your efforts.

So I would not look at this as futile, just because you can't control others.

CarrieMpls said:

I read this list yesterday and, thankfully, I don’t think any of these apply to me.

But I like your question. If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna regret not taking more chances with my career.

The older I get, the more I realize I’d rather spend the vast majority of my day doing something else. And yet the older I get, the more secure in my company and field I am and so it becomes harder to leave. I see people who are passionate about what they do and I’m envious. And there are times I’m sitting in meetings and all I can think is “Really? This is how I spend my precious time?”

I get ideas now and again and I let them go. I need to stop letting them go.

I am in exactly the same situation. It is already a regret, in fact.

RicoN said:

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

so you need to apply rule number 5 and allow yourself to be happy if you're going to regret either choice you make... you need to change your expectations of what making that choice will mean

Thanks.

Yeah, I forget it for a while and just get on with things - and i am happy.. then it resurfaces again. If no-one else's feelings needed to be taken into account, I would contact him.

CarrieMpls said:

I read this list yesterday and, thankfully, I don’t think any of these apply to me.

But I like your question. If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna regret not taking more chances with my career.

The older I get, the more I realize I’d rather spend the vast majority of my day doing something else. And yet the older I get, the more secure in my company and field I am and so it becomes harder to leave. I see people who are passionate about what they do and I’m envious. And there are times I’m sitting in meetings and all I can think is “Really? This is how I spend my precious time?”

I get ideas now and again and I let them go. I need to stop letting them go.

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

Yeah, I wish things were better with my father, before he passed this past July. I haven't seen him in years, and didn't know he was sick.

I just realized I'm fortunate enough to be able to say I can't relate to any of those other than the getting stuck in a rut one.

retina said:

Lisa10 said:

Interesting.

I know i'm going to regret not ever having a proper relationship with my Dad. But if I do get to know him again, i'd probably regret it.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's so hard when there's tension between members of the immediate family. No matter how much you don't want to let it affect you, it's nearly impossible not to.

I got over that.

My father stopped speaking to me when he found out I was gay. It hurt for about ten years.

Now, nothing.

We're both on Facebook with family in common but no friends requests between us.

It's over and done.

"knew i shoulda took somethin

for that headache"

"daaaaamn, i shoulda shot first"

"he just didn't look that fast, or that strong"

"...shoulda thoght that one through"

"i shoulda wore a rubber"

Regrets only make sense when you still can do something about it.

You live your life the way you think you should live it. If you knew than what you know now, you probably made another choice, but you didn't know it than.

When you can't change things anymore, regrets are a waste of time. It only makes you feel bad.

Mine's gonna be "Why did I eat all that chili?"

SUPRMAN said:

retina said:

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's so hard when there's tension between members of the immediate family. No matter how much you don't want to let it affect you, it's nearly impossible not to.

I got over that.

My father stopped speaking to me when he found out I was gay. It hurt for about ten years.

Now, nothing.

We're both on Facebook with family in common but no friends requests between us.

It's over and done.

That's really sad. Unfortunately I know the feeling of shunning. First by my father when he found out I'd married a Black man, then by my mother because I didn't want to continue in a religion I didn't believe in. Sometimes I think about it as their loss, but I'm over it. My dad even decided to speak to me again but he's still an asshole.

CarrieMpls said:

I read this list yesterday and, thankfully, I don’t think any of these apply to me.

But I like your question. If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna regret not taking more chances with my career.

The older I get, the more I realize I’d rather spend the vast majority of my day doing something else. And yet the older I get, the more secure in my company and field I am and so it becomes harder to leave. I see people who are passionate about what they do and I’m envious. And there are times I’m sitting in meetings and all I can think is “Really? This is how I spend my precious time?”

I get ideas now and again and I let them go. I need to stop letting them go.

Yeah, I think security/familiarity is terribly overrated but also that it can be terribly addictive. In a way you can even say that the quest for it is a primal instinct, and when you feel like you've worked years to achieve it and succeeded, it can make you feel like letting it go would be like an actor turning down a lifetime achievement Oscar.

Personally I do want to have some sort of a career that - although it might be a winding road with detours here and there - at least makes me feel like I keep building on what I've previously achieved. I really don't like the feeling of completely starting over from scratch. On the other hand I don't generally let work dominate my life, and if I have other things that offer some kind of continuity (loyal friends, rewarding creative projects etc), the importance of the career is even further diminished.

Most of all though I think people should do more outside of work, even if it's a regular weekday. I'm so sick of constantly hearing people say "I'm too tired". I always think "Really? I'm tired too after a day of work but 'too tired?'". That makes it sound like they couldn't physically drag their bones out of the couch even if the building was on fire. Nine times out of ten it's worth it to overcome a feeling of fatigue, and it boggles my mind that people so easily forget the times when they've done it before and had lots of fun!

One way I try to convince people to activate themselves more and take more chances (at least on a micro/everyday level) is to think back on the past year and figure out which experiences they found most memorable. It's nearly always the experiences where they moved outside their comfort zone and got stimulated and inspired. Then I tell them "well there you go; without those times, last year would just have been one big grey goop, so come with me on this one and make this year worthwhile too". It rarely works though, lol.

underlined-the-wrong-word edit

[Edited 2/3/12 2:43am]

NDRU said:

Of course it will always be frustrating that other people don't respond when you reach out to them, but I don't doubt that if you make an effort to not work too hard, to keep in touch, to have fun, etc. that it will benefit your life, even if some friends don't make the same effort.

Imagine, if a friend only responds with 5% of the effort you are putting out, but you have ten friends who you make an effort with. That would give you a pretty significant boost in YOUR interaction with your friends overall. And they in turn will get a small boost because of your efforts.

So I would not look at this as futile, just because you can't control others.

Thanks for the pep talk, Andrew. I appreciate it, and I agree that it's not completely futile. I guess I just find it frustrating that the reward is so incredibly small compared to the effort, and even though each time it happens isn't too bad, it's the kind of frustration that can keep piling up for years. Eventually it starts to affect my willingness to even try. To be honest it already has. These days I don't ask people to do stuff anymore unless I feel like I have at least a fifty-fifty chance of getting a "yes" ("no"s are so demoralizing). This means that I have to discard most of the really exciting ideas right away and go with something that's in their immediate field of interest. I don't really mind since I'm open to those things too, but sometimes - at risk of sounding condescending - I wish their worlds were a bit bigger.

a regret of dying would b dying....... esp when u've spent years n years thinking thats all there is; then suddenly u find happiness!!!

retina said:

CarrieMpls said:

I read this list yesterday and, thankfully, I don’t think any of these apply to me.

But I like your question. If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna regret not taking more chances with my career.

The older I get, the more I realize I’d rather spend the vast majority of my day doing something else. And yet the older I get, the more secure in my company and field I am and so it becomes harder to leave. I see people who are passionate about what they do and I’m envious. And there are times I’m sitting in meetings and all I can think is “Really? This is how I spend my precious time?”

I get ideas now and again and I let them go. I need to stop letting them go.

Yeah, I think security/familiarity is terribly overrated but also that it can be terribly addictive. In a way you can even say that the quest for it is a primal instinct, and when you feel like you've worked years to achieve it and succeeded, it can make you feel like letting it go would be like an actor turning down a lifetime achievement Oscar.

Personally I do want to have some sort of a career that - although it might be a winding road with detours here and there - at least makes me feel like I keep building on what I've previously achieved. I really don't like the feeling of completely starting over from scratch. On the other hand I don't generally let work dominate my life, and if I have other things that offer some kind of continuity (loyal friends, rewarding creative projects etc), the importance of the career is even further diminished.

Most of all though I think people should do more outside of work, even if it's a regular weekday. I'm so sick of constantly hearing people say "I'm too tired". I always think "Really? I'm tired too after a day of work but 'too tired?'". That makes it sound like they couldn't physically drag their bones out of the couch even if the building was on fire. Nine times out of ten it's worth it to overcome a feeling of fatigue, and it boggles my mind that people so easily forget the times when they've done it before and had lots of fun!

One way I try to convince people to activate themselves more and take more chances (at least on a micro/everyday level) is to think back on the past year and figure out which experiences they found most memorable. It's nearly always the experiences where they moved outside their comfort zone and got stimulated and inspired. Then I tell them "well there you go; without those times, last year would just have been one big grey goop, so come with me on this one and make this year worthwhile too". It rarely works though, lol.

underlined-the-wrong-word edit

[Edited 2/3/12 2:43am]

I have always been the type of person who worked to sustain my hobbies outside of work. It’s just that my hobbies are no longer as fulfilling as they once were, I guess. Or it’s no longer enough.

And I’m totally one of those people who doesn’t do much on weekdays because “I’m too tired”. For me, it’s usually not worth it. I know how much downtime and sleep I need in order to make it through the day and that doesn’t coincide with going out on a weeknight. I seriously have to take a day (or at least the morning) off work in order to see a show mid-week. Eating right, getting plenty of alone-time and a full 8 hours of sleep are what I need on a regular basis to keep me healthy and happy.

Which is why I wish I didn’t spend 40 hours a week on something I don’t care much about one way or another. Perhaps if I were one of those boundless energy folks it wouldn’t matter. But I’m not.

I absolutely try new things, and enjoy new places and experiences. But not at the expense of my general well being.

Thanks for this, it is kind of obvious that we all take everything for granted until its too late but it doesnt hurt to see it set out like this.

I am stopping work right now and going to get my boy from school.

RicoN said:

"Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

that right there is a piece of subjective bullshit

Bitterness and resentment can manifest themselves physically.