Back by no popular demand whatsoever,
the venerable Dr. Stimpson J. Cat
(doctorate in advanced BS)
will open his (ill) advise bureau for a
limited time to answer all your questions
about life, the universe and cat litter.

So, the door is open,
The Doctor is in...



disclaimer: Patrons park at their own risk. Dr. Stimpy cannot be held responsible for loss, theft or damage that may result from any (poorly concieved) advise given.
(this does not affect your statutory rights)

(side note: Dr. Stimpy operates on Stimpy-time, which bears no resemblance to EST, GMT or any other globally accepted form of time measurement)

I'm a sucker for these advice columns...Here goes.

I bought a cup of chili from Wendy's and I put these little soup crackers
(the little hexagonal shaped ones) in the chili.
Carefully, I ate the chili. Then when I got ready to eat the crackers, they were gone, too!
There is no way, I ate them along with the chili.

Are there wicked spirits?

How come lately all I've been able to think about is SEX?

SensualMelody said:

Ah! you were clearly a victim of the lesser spotted
invisible taco squirrel. These loveable little
critters just can't resist crackers or chips.
They usually go for Fritos though.

These all too rare animals are rapidly becoming an
endangered species, as they are being pushed out of
their natural habitat by the larger and more aggressive
Invisible McGopher.
[This message was edited Sat Feb 22 12:03:43 PST 2003 by BorisFishpaw]

why oh why do i only get hit on by toothless, longhaired, (seriously) overweight, greasy country hicks? i am an attractive modern woman...please explain.

Paisley said:

I think you'll find that is perfectly normal.
(unless you come from St.Olaf)

lillith said:

I can answer that one, sweetie. Just tell Ice to go fuck an invisible taco squirrel.

lillith said:

Yes, this is a difficult one, and is one of life's great
mysteries, along with 'where the hell do all the pens go'.

Unfortunately there is a hick gene which as well as making
them butt-ugly, also leads them to believe that they
actually look like Brad Pitt and therefore stand a chance.

Dr. Stupid:

I can't inhale without almost instantly feeling the need to exhale immediately afterwards...even when I try to suppress the desire, I can only go about 20 seconds or so before I end up exhaling again...There's gotta be some name for this condition...

Thanks,

WB

wellbeyond said:

This is a very common condition commonly known as 'breathing'. Try not to worry about it.

On a side note, the surgeon general has stated that you should not attempt 'breathing' while submerged in diet pepsi or chocolate brownie mix. In fact 'breathing' while submerged in any liquid or viscous material can often prove fatal.
[This message was edited Sat Feb 22 12:32:32 PST 2003 by BorisFishpaw]

Exactly how fast is "God Speed"?

Dr. Stupid:

What exactly are Tats, and why are women willing to give their tits for them??...

Thanks,

WB

Dr. Stupid,
Why do so many people fuck up the spelling or can't pronounce my first name?
April-Michelle

DarthBane said:

192,000 miles per second.

wellbeyond said:

Tats are an ancient peruvian form of chocolate delicacy made from cocoa butter, honey, beaver milk and gold dust. They have been rumored to have an effect similar to a quintuple orgasm, without the need to change the sheets.

As to why women are willing to give their tits for them, as opposed to the usual arm or a leg is still a mystery.

BorisFishpaw said:

Ahh..."tit for tat" finally 'splained...merci, Dr. Stoopid..

Another ?, however:

When we close our eyes, how do we know the world still exists and isn't just a figment of our imagination??...

Why do people add insult to injury by adding marshmallows to candied yams?

Why do I secretly cringe when people incorrectly type "of" after the words "would" "should" or "could," instead of "have," or just use the "'ve" after the word?

Where is the love?

Is Natasha keeping her distance from Prince since her move to Minnesota?

Is this really as good as it gets?

Does the $19.95 Pro Fix Repair Kit (advertised on TV) really work?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Does that Ebay commercial with the Broadway-like show tune being performed annoy you?

What's the best brand of pool table to buy?

Are round pool tables and zig zag pool tables legitimate?

Of all the versions of Cole Porter's "I've Got You Under My Skin" who sings the one you prefer most?


Do I ask a lot of questions? Is that a botheration on your mind?
[This message was edited Sat Feb 22 13:33:41 PST 2003 by Supernova]

Supernova said:

Yes.

why are boogers green?

Which frozen pizza is the best?...

Do you believe in soulmates?...

Why should I do that, when I can do this?...

Am I the only one who thinks Ebay sounds like pig latin?...

Why do people say "Enter your PIN number", when the "N" in PIN already stands for "number"??...

Why do people say "unthaw" when they mean "thaw out"??...Wouldn't "unthaw" mean to refreeze it all over again?...

When are you supposed to use the word "affect" and when are you supposed to use the word "effect"??...

Does getting your uvula pierced really tickle like Natsume keeps telling me?...

Natsume said:

wellbeyond said:

You will only know if you try...

wellbeyond said:

We don't, it's a bit like closing the fridge door and wondering if the light really goes out or not. As Carl Jung once said "Fuck that, I'm going for a drink!".

Supernova said:
Why do people add insult to injury by adding marshmallows to candied yams?

***have to have the marshmallows

Why do I secretly cringe when people incorrectly type "of" after the words "would" "should" or "could," instead of "have," or just use the "'ve" after the word?

***the answer to ur problem : woulda, shoulda, coulda

Where is the love?

***God

Is Natasha keeping her distance from Prince since her move to Minnesota?

***dunno

Is this really as good as it gets?

***no...that was only a movie.



What's the best brand of pool table to buy?

***gotta get a Brunswick.

Are round pool tables and zig zag pool tables legitimate?

***No...corner pockets r a must.

Supernova said:

'People' do a lot of strange things, like deep frying coyote poo or painting their feet orange.



I have to admit that I am sometimes guilty of this myself, in my defense I would say it's merely an attempt to recreate in type form the closest approximation of the way I would verbalize the sentence in question.

It could be worse, we could type in Princebonics.



Allegedly, in Maria Hullabong's basement, under lock and key (but I'm not convinced, as she's a habitual liar)



Unfortunately not, she's actually taken up residence as an illegal squatter in that strange round building at Paisley Park



No, it does actually get better (though admittedly not by much)



No



If you take route 101 south of San Francisco you can't miss it.



Yes.



I've always prefered putting pools in the back yard rather than in your dining table, but hey, each to their own.



No they're not legitimate, unless you're playing Guatemalan 5 pin beaver pool, in which case one of each is essential.



The muppet show version is quite obviously the most superior.



Yes you do, and no it doesn't bother me. As I always say, it's better to outstay your welcome, than leave too early and miss all the good bits.

wellbeyond said:

Eating frozen pizza is bad for you no matter what sort you buy. I recommend thawing them out first.


I've not heard of them, are they like tubesocks?


Why not do both! ...and really piss everybody off with being a total smartass.


I always thought it sounded like a virtual beach resort.


Because 'people' are stupid and love to use jargon without understanding the meaning.


Again, 'people' are stupid and love to use double negatives like "I don't want no banana milkshake", and this follows on in that great tradition.


eg: "Was Ben Affect any good in Daredevil?"
and: "No, but the effects were good".


Apparently so, though I'm sure Natsume can give you some graphic insight into the matter.

What exactly is a turlingdrome, anyway?

Pluv said:

That's what I thought! Bastardization of a classic.

Cool emoticon by the way. I think I'll swipe it.

teller said:

Only the Vogons know for sure. All I know is that it's slightly ruder than 'Joojooflop' & 'swut', but not as rude as 'belgium'.

BorisFishpaw said:

I know. My boyfriend did it once and I told him I thought he (and other people) did it because of how it sounds phonetically.




THE EGG?














Damn! I never heard that one!