blackbob said:

yesterday..my 3 year old daughter came up to me and asked me what happens to her when she dies....?...i didnt really know what to say to her...her goldfish died a few weeks ago and she understood that they had died but i wasnt ready for this question from my daughter....she does ask an awful lot of questions almost all day but i didnt expect this one.......i am not religious in the slightest so i told her that people go to sleep forever when they die...but that just led to more questions......

i didnt think i would have to handle those type of questions for a few years yet

Dude, no one knows what happens when we die. Until someone who died came back to life with a documented account of what death entails, no living person will ever know the answer to your daughter's question. Tell her the truth. We don't know.

Visionnaire said:

Genesia said:

Uhhhhh...the child is three years old. That answer might work when a kid is a little older, but a 3-year-old either isn't going to understand or will be frightened.

And if you tell a 3-year-old that death is like going to sleep forever, you are going to have a royal ruckus come bedtime.

What's wrong with telling a child about heaven? A lot of you are saying, "Tell the truth." But how do you know, for sure, what the truth is? Have any of you died?

I did.
Well,
not all of me. Just a part of me died. A long time ago.
I could ask that part, but, well....y'know....
it's dead.
Now it just hangs listlessly from my body.
Looks pretty damn repulsive, to be honest.
Really prevents me from presenting myself in any kind of manner that could be considered as physically attractive to the opposite sex..... no matter how much I try to "clean myself" up.
Hell, there are days that even I can barely stomach the idea of touching myself. Thus allowing any & all carnalistic cravings that pop up to go torturously unsatiated (even those that most experts consider to be "normal").

I'd get into more detail, but since the topic of this thread is about talking to a 3 year on the subject of death,
I really don't think that here would be the appropriate place to do so.

Here, lemme go find that one "Older White Guy" thread, instead....

tinaz said:

ludwig said:

No, I'm not a father. And I will never ever throw life in this world where everyone has to suffer and die.

And yes I was angry against anyone who told me lies about "god" and "heaven" and stuff like that.

When you realize that these are all lies told by adults only because they fear to deal with the anger of their kids. No parent wants to be questioned why they did this to him, why they decided to force a new indivual to live this miserable life. And yes, there are also good things in life, but overall I have my big problems with this existence. There is so much drama, so much pain, and the fact that we all have to die is just frightening.

Our parents are accountable for all the pain and misery that we have to go through. If life would be different with only good things and no pain, I wouldn't hesitate to become a father. But as it is, I simply can not take the responsibilty for this.

Wow... and im not saying that to be an ass, im saying that because I am saddened by your lifes outlook...

You as an adult are responsible for your happiness... Your parents are only accountable because they choose to bring you into the world, what you do with life now is all up to you...

Death scares the crap out of me as well, but I am alive NOW, I am going to enjoy it! Yes, there is bad stuff in everything and everyones life, but if you let it get to you, you will never get to enjoy living!! Why do you want to be so miserable and dwell on bad things? Why wouldnt you want to enjoy life?

Parents dont fear anger from their children, they just dont want their child hurt, or sad, so at times they sugar coat things to make them happy or placate them until a different time when their minds are able to process things... Is it wrong? I dont know, I do know my children miss the days of when they believed in santa, when things were carefree and innocent... They are now grown adults, having their own children and look forward to all the make believe and memories that they get to share with their own babies!

I expected that exact reaction.

But I can tell you that I don't have a miserable life. I enjoy it as much as I can, because I know that it wont last forever. Sooner or later it will hit me hard, and also all the people that I love. I've already lost a few friends and family members.

And yes, people fear anger from their kids, and that's exactly why they lie to them. People become parents for selfish reasons, we all dream about that happy-joy-joy family moments. And to keep up that illusion we lie to them and to ourselves. Without repression of reality we couldn't have any happy moment, that's true. And of course I do the same to have fun and enjoy the moment, but it just doesn't work all the time. And I don't want to be an ass either, but people who are always happy scare me because imho they must be crazy, something's lacking.

tinaz said:

XxAxX said:

tell her what you've told us. that she's young, and you feel a little surprised by her interest at such a young age, and then tell her how you feel about death, and the conclusions you've drawn through living life. tell her that, through living her life, she will find her own answers to the questions that no one can answer. that's alls i got

Thats probably not gonna work if she is a question asker... My daughter would pepper me with questions to my answers!! "but why" "but why"...

One time when we were sight seeing at Hitlers Birdnest I had to fight to keep her from the edge... She started with they why's... so I told her because if you fell off the cliff you would die... But why would I die... because your body would be hurt very bad... But why...So that went on for a bit, finally I said in my Infinite parent wisdom... "BECAUSE GOD MAKES IT THAT WAY"... but why does God make it that way

This type of back and forth went on for most of her childhood... EVERY DAMN DAY! She STILL asks me a million questions but now I can say... GOOGLE IT!

.

[Edited 1/6/12 5:53am]

well, that's my point, instead of trying to 'answer' the unanswerable question, talk about the mystery of death, and honestly tell the child that it will remain a mystery for her throughout her life.

teach the child it is okay to not have all of the answers, and more importantly teach her that life is mysterious to everyone. it's part of the human experience

Genesia said:

What's wrong with telling a child about heaven? A lot of you are saying, "Tell the truth." But how do you know, for sure, what the truth is? Have any of you died?

So, you're saying a child should be told about "heaven" as if that's the truth?

Wow, that really is interesting. I mean, the question in itself of course, but especially when a child that age asks it. Anyway, no expert on when children start asking about certain topics, but I think you're daughter is smart. Can't be a bad thing when she gets observant and curious at an early age!

He is not religious so he is not going to tell her about heaven. Unless he himself believes in heaven. But that wouldn't make sense.

My son has always asked me about death from a pretty young age. And I just always told him a simplistic version of what I myself believe.

Now that he's older I obviously go into it with more detail.

Come to think of it, my son and daughter are pretty interested in death. Hmmm......

[Edited 1/6/12 10:57am]

Visionnaire said:

Genesia said:

Uhhhhh...the child is three years old. That answer might work when a kid is a little older, but a 3-year-old either isn't going to understand or will be frightened.

And if you tell a 3-year-old that death is like going to sleep forever, you are going to have a royal ruckus come bedtime.

What's wrong with telling a child about heaven? A lot of you are saying, "Tell the truth." But how do you know, for sure, what the truth is? Have any of you died?

I did.
Well,
not all of me. Just a part of me died. A long time ago.
I could ask that part, but, well....y'know....
it's dead.
Now it just hangs listlessly from my body.
Looks pretty damn repulsive, to be honest.
Really prevents me from presenting myself in any kind of manner that could be considered as physically attractive to the opposite sex..... no matter how much I try to "clean myself" up.
Hell, there are days that even I can barely stomach the idea of touching myself. Thus allowing any & all carnalistic cravings that pop up to go torturously unsatiated (even those that most experts consider to be "normal").

I'd get into more detail, but since the topic of this thread is about talking to a 3 year on the subject of death,
I really don't think that here would be the appropriate place to do so.

Here, lemme go find that one "Older White Guy" thread, instead....

wtf

Well white lies are LYING too, so preaching kids about heaven and stuff is technically lying, though I'm not implying that lying is always absolutely the worst choice. But why can't you just be honest and say you don't know? I would probably tell them that I don't know anything for sure, but I CHOOSE to believe that there's some kind of beauty after life. No, you don't have to have faith in god to say that because I don't.

Whatever you choose to tell your kids, there's always going to be some risks. What if kids go to school and her friends tell her "there's no such thing as heaven"? And how long are you supposed to make your children think this "heaven" fantasy is the truth? I personally don't get why some people feel as if they must lie to their children. One of the things I've heard that I found slightly disturbing from one of my little sister's friends(when they were in 2nd grade), was "Well, I do feel sorry for those hungry children in Africa, but when they die, they'll go to heaven, so it's really not THAT sad, God makes it all fair at the end." I don't think I'll ever want my children to be saying that. Why is it so wrong to teach kids that even adults can be sometimes scared of death? We just choose to move on with our lives..

[Edited 1/7/12 9:57am]

...I don't understand why some of you say what is "truth" and what exists or what does not exist.

I have witnessed prayer work in my own life. So I know what is real to me. Bob, tell your child what ever is truthful to you. Just support her and if you want to tell her there is a heaven, its not to pacify her or to lie, you can say

"some people believe there's a heaven... "

and if she asks if you believe in heaven you can answer

"I hope so... " give her a hug and comfort her. She needs to know she will never lose you.

What YOU believe doesn't matter... let her know you will never leave her.

[Edited 1/7/12 17:00pm]

Typical, how most people respond as if they themselves were asking the question and expecting an answer, instead of a 3 year old.

Tremolina said:

Typical, how most people respond as if they themselves were asking the question and expecting an answer, instead of a 3 year old.

Tremolina said:

iloveannie said:

Tremolina said:

Typical, how most people respond as if they themselves were asking the question and expecting an answer, instead of a 3 year old.

Have you thought that people may be giving the answer they wish they'd been given when they were three?

The problem you're posing yourself is whether to go with faith, fact, supposed fact or fantasy (read "white lie").

So with that in mind you have only to ask yourself what you wish you had been told, bearing in mind the kind of person your daughter is developing into. It's quite a simple answer when you think about it, but, unfortunately (or wonderfully depending on which way you look at it), one only you should answer.

Keep in mind a three year old, even a really brilliant one, needs concrete concepts. They don't grasp abstract. My seven year old asked last night "where is Jesus?". I haven't talked to him about Jesus because he has never asked, and also because being autistic, he needs concrete concepts at 7.

I said "IN HEAVEN". Right answer? probably not, but it beats him asking Jesus to come over every day if I say "Jesus is with you every day........" (I happen to be Christian, back off).

He thinks our dead cat is in heaven. Is heaven a place? A spiritual place? A concept?

The dead cat is in heaven. He will decide later what that means for him.

Right now, its concrete answers.

bluesbaby said:

Keep in mind a three year old, even a really brilliant one, needs concrete concepts. They don't grasp abstract. My seven year old asked last night "where is Jesus?". I haven't talked to him about Jesus because he has never asked, and also because being autistic, he needs concrete concepts at 7.

I said "IN HEAVEN". Right answer? probably not, but it beats him asking Jesus to come over every day if I say "Jesus is with you every day........" (I happen to be Christian, back off).

He thinks our dead cat is in heaven. Is heaven a place? A spiritual place? A concept?

The dead cat is in heaven. He will decide later what that means for him.

Right now, its concrete answers.