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To the O.D.C. (Org Divorce Club): "Self-Compassion the KEY to Surviving Divorce" Inaugural article for the O.D.C. -The Secret To Surviving Divorce
Divorce is a strange animal. It’s long been known to be one of life’s most traumatic stresses. But we all know a divorce survivor who sailed through relatively unscathed while others wallow in pain for years, holding onto hostility and victimization like it’s a security blanket.
Is there a secret to surviving divorce? Is it possible to overcome the loss of a primary attachment figure, even a mismatched one, without feeling some pain? No. A pain-free divorce is limited to those who are completely void of emotion and are likely to have caused their own divorce. The rest of us have pain associated with divorce. But how we deal with that pain is the big secret to surviving divorce. I often say that when we divorce, it’s like losing a leg. Now, that leg may have had gangrene, but we still miss it dearly. Self-compassionNew research from the University of Arizona has pointed to one crucial characteristic in overcoming anxiety and depression associated with divorce. Surprisingly, that trait is not self-esteem, optimism or ease with relationships. It’s something a little more complicated: self-compassion.
The researchers define self-compassion as having three components: 1. Kindness toward oneself 2. Recognition of common humanity 3. An ability to let painful emotions pass In the study, 105 men and women, all over 40 and who had been married over 13 years, were followed and assessed during the year after divorce. People with the most self-compassion experienced less intrusive thoughts about their partner than those who did not. They were also happier and able to move on with their lives. So, can self-compassion be learned? The researchers of the University of Arizona study are unsure, but I would venture to say that learning self-compassion is like any other cognitive behavioral technique. You simply replace negative internal dialogue with a more positive narrative. Remember, thoughts are things. They become a self-fulfilling prophesy. The key is learning to change your stance toward the problem. If you can reframe thoughts of failure with thoughts of forgiveness to yourself, you’ll be well on your way. It’s important to erase the voices of negative parents and replace them with messages of encouragement and forgiveness. Next, combat feelings of isolation by reminding yourself that you are not the first person to undergo a divorce, and you are not alone. Talk with other people who have survived divorce and ask them about their strategies. There is one warning, though: Don’t surround yourself with other unhappily divorced characters who help you wallow in anger. Finally, become mindful. It’s OK to acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling jealous or angry. This identifies the problem for what it is: your feelings and not the situation. These strategies can help you turn your mind to the present and help you survive a divorce. A little self-compassion can go a long way to happiness.  Original article HERE By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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thank u Jedi
today kind of sucks!!!!
sometimes its ok, but then other times its just 2 hard 2 take Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. | |
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Stay strong.
I had a bit of a meltdown myself yesterday. Today I'm all; WTF Cares?
O.D.C. rules!!! By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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i am going to go take the dog 4 a walk n clear my head
honestly where do tears come from???? and why cant we stop!!!!!!!!!!! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. | |
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It's really f'd up sometimes...a Goddammed rollercoaster of shit emotions.
By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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All these tears will fade away in time guys..............When eye 1st got divorced eye cried like a baby 4 many long months....but there will b light at the end of the tunnel and u will see that life can and will b good again.....4 all of u........... Dave Is Nuttier Than A Can Of Planters Peanuts...(Ottensen) | |
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Divorce sux. But I'd rather be alone than with the bastard I was married 2. "Bring friends, bring your children and bring foot spray 'cause it's gon' be funky." ~ Prince
A kiss on the lips, is betta than a knife in the back ~ Sheila E Darkness isn't the absence of light, it's the absence of U ~ Prince | |
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Dave Is Nuttier Than A Can Of Planters Peanuts...(Ottensen) | |
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......................Only change the bastard 2 Bitch.....
...and what do you two think about the "self-compassion" concept???
Honestly it's something my therapist really hasn't even hit on the way that article put it. By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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WTF? We don’t mourn artists because we knew them. We mourn them because they helped us know ourselves. | |
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Well, need that support.
In January the court hearing of the appeal of my ex is scheduled.
Have to go through it all over again.
I just hate it, because I should be preparing my file for my lawyer for the hearing. However, it makes me go through the whole damn horrible ordeal again. I should not postpone it any longer, because now it's in the back of my mind constantly, as are those bad days of being married.
Well, thank to all the orgers who have supported me a lot while going through this horrible divorce. Which is still better than staying in a horrible marriage
[Edited 11/30/11 13:35pm] 99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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I've always had a great deal of compassion, both self-compassion and for others, so that makes sense, as actually, it's only been 6-7 months since my marriage ended and I'm doing pretty great these days.
I've never been the type to "beat myself up" over anything... even things that are 100% my fault. And my divorce was not my fault, cos I know I was a damn good husband considering some of the stunts she pulled on me through the years.
And frankly, I find it fairly amusing that I've come out of the situation a damn sight better off than she has even though she's the one that ended it. And I know she'll go a long-ass time trying to find a man who was even HALF as good to her as I was. Her self-esteem is so low that she's already gone and started seeing the first rebound ass-clown that crossed her path, but I'm in no rush to date anyone. I know what I'm worth now, and it's a lot, and I know that my soulmate is out there and at some point the universe will make our paths cross.
I saw a friend a few days ago who I hadn't seen since before the divorce, and I said to him "I got divorced" - he replied "you seem very happy about it".... and I said "you know what.... I am, and I realise now that it was probably a long time coming". It took me a while to get to that point, and it was very confusing because I wondered whether that meant that I was agreeing with my ex that it was the right thing, which I obviously didn't feel at the time since I didn't want to get divorced, when it happened. And then, I thought to myself, well maybe she was right..... and maybe that's completely OK.
There's a great deal of things I've missed out on, these last several years, so I'm gonna have some fun with life right now! I already had a blast going to loads of gigs this past summer as well as a fun trip to Amsterdam with my best friend.
I definitely agree with the article where it says thoughts are a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I say to my fellow ODC members is this - you've gone from a situation of repeated compromises to a situation where YOU are now fully in control of your own happiness. So what's stopping you from being happy? You can do what the hell you want now! I'm building up my bachelor pad right now exactly how I want it to be and I think I read that PurpleJedi is doing the same. And that's just the first step!
Sure, I'm a little less trusting than I used to be, a lot more jaded about relationships too. But I'm thankful for the lessons I learned and I'm a lot less naive. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm feeling more like Ironman every day
ORG DIVORCE CLUB UNITED! *high-fives other members* |
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moderator
all i can say is
do not rush into anything
do not let anger or hurt get in the way of you living your life
if there are kids make sure they know it was not their fault and never use them.
do not bad mouth your ex, even if it is true, it will not help, correcting something that is not true is one thing "Keep on shilling for Big Pharm!" | |
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I like Bree
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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Well, i was going to joke that I'm happily married for 21 years....but ya'll seem down.
[Edited 11/30/11 17:33pm] Thanks for the laughs, arguments and overall enjoyment for the last umpteen years. It's time for me to retire from Prince.org and engage in the real world...lol. Above all, I appreciated the talent Prince. You were one of a kind. | |
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By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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Stay strong. You'll get through this. By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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Absolutely dude.
I can relate to the jaded part. And like you, I'm in no rush. But yeah, I'll be damned if I repeat any of the same mistakes. It's more about ME now.
By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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With the exeption of the last.
Sometimes to move past (when you're the one who's been dumped) you HAVE to think about all the bad times and keep them in mind, otherwise you tend to dwell on the good times and romanticize yourself to an early grave. Then you get angry, and to temper everything a little bad-mouthing over tequila shots with a buddy is damned good medicine. By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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Put.The.Gun.Down.
What are you, and American? By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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