Machaela said:

Genesia said:

Exactly. I mean...I've shown Sweetie my Facebook wall (for example), just because he doesn't have a Facebook page and was curious about what people post on there. No biggie.

But I would never show him this place under any circumstances.

Really ? ... I show Michael things here often and we laugh and talk about other's perspectives, projections and posting styles

I have even used this place to show/teach the teens many things about public statements and the refletions and perceptions that can arise from them

This place is ripe with examples of this.

missfee said:

PurpleJedi said:

Not judging...honestly...but can I ask WHY?

If you're in a committed relationship, and you're intimate - sharing bodily fluids and emotions and opening yourself to that other person as true life partners - then why feel violated if he/she picks up your phone and looks through your texts?

Is it because you're intrinsically personal and allow NO ONE in to your inner world? Or is it a "respect" thing?

Of course, there's a difference between someone saying; "Gee I wonder what he's been posting on FB" and someone documenting every post and text on a daily basis "looking for something". The latter is more of an "investigative" process that you'd undertake once you get that "gut feeling" that something is off.

When I was happily married we knew each others passwords and I'd frequently go in and delete her junk mail and she'd have stuff emaile dto my acocunt b/c I checked it more frequently.

But honestly I cared little for what she emailed/texted/posted on a daily basis.

The "investigative" process only began when I felt the change happening and knew in my GUT that shit was up.

Sorry for the sidebar...but I'm curious as to why you feel that way.

Because I feel being in a relationship doesn't mean that I have share every SINGLE thing with that person. Its the same concept as when you are in relationship that you don't conform to the person that they want you to be, you still have to be your own individual self even though you are compromising with that person and sharing most things with one another. It's not about letting no one into your inner world...I look at it as letting someone into SOME of your inner world but not all of it. And it doesn't mean that you are necessarily "hiding" something if you don't let them into all of your inner world. I believe it's healthy to have something personal that you can call your own at the end of the day. What's so wrong with that? I just don't believe in "losing" myself 100% with a man. If you do that, how in the world do you pick yourself up if for instance one day you aren't with that person anymore, whether its by breakup or by death?

Very well put.

connorhawke said:

Machaela said:

Really ? ... I show Michael things here often and we laugh and talk about other's perspectives, projections and posting styles

I have even used this place to show/teach the teens many things about public statements and the refletions and perceptions that can arise from them

This place is ripe with examples of this.

[img:$uid]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g216/rebecca8273/emoticon/0002.gif[/img:$uid]

Rife. Not "ripe."

Totally wrong. You two obviously have issues, especially her for checking messages. Maybe something in the past happened that has given her reason to be suspicious. Nonetheless, I think it's time you two seriously reconsider your relationship and whether you want to continue making eachothers lives miserable.

connorhawke said:

Machaela said:

Really ? ... I show Michael things here often and we laugh and talk about other's perspectives, projections and posting styles

I have even used this place to show/teach the teens many things about public statements and the refletions and perceptions that can arise from them

This place is ripe with examples of this.

Exactly !!

Machaela said:

My husband has open acess and permission to use my cell anytime ( and always has/will )

... I have nothing to hide even if he DID choose to read my messages

He can and is welcome to access my emails ... my org account ... my facebook

He's my best friend

I really do not do or say much of anything I would not say to or around him

It would feel wrong to me to have it any other way

Except my wife.... not your husband

Genesia said:

connorhawke said:

This place is ripe with examples of this.

[img:$uid]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g216/rebecca8273/emoticon/0002.gif[/img:$uid]

Rife. Not "ripe."

Oh sweet jesus I was using it as in "laden". Like ripe fruit.

I don't know how I feel about this because I think that checking other peoples phone, email, Facebook blah blah blah is rude THEN AGAIN, I wouldn't have anything on there that I wouldn't want them to see. (I'm not saying you do.)

I'm no help......

MacDaddy said:

blackbob said:

your partner checking out your messages on your mobile phone ..?...does anyone else think this is over stepping the mark ?...i have told her that she shouldnt be reading my messages on my phone without my approval but i caught her doing it again the other day and i know she has done it in the past...

i have never given her any reason to be jealous or suspicious of me so why is she doing it ?....she also used to check my facebook page til i changed the password on it....surely everybody is entitled to some privicy...even from partners....

i think it is out of order....if you dont trust your partner then whats the point ?.....i dont do it to her...even though i saw her kiss one of my friends when she was very drunk a few years ago (a quick kiss..but still a kiss and not in a friendly way)..but i took it as it was...a drunken kiss and i forgave her for it because i dont get jealous...if i dont trust her...she is gone...simple...but this continual checking of my phone really annoys me...do any of you do it or have caught your partner doing it ?...whats your feelings on this....thanks..

Stepping the mark? Yes, and before you know it, your partner will be stalking you. Maybe

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

I think the whole privacy issue is a huge one, especially now.

I essentially left my last job because the company was storing personal employee details in cloud computing that was accessible to everyone. The HR department didn't realise and when I found it out they essentially tried to cover it up. It was so irresponsible I had to wash my hands of that company.

In a relationship I truly believe there should be NO secrets at all, but only voluntarily. If my parter was to tell me he didn't want to answer a question then I'd respect that. It may sow the seeds of doubt but I don't think so, since I think our trust is healthy.

With my ex it was a different story. Traditionally I'm a fairly self-conscious person so I tend to be a little paranoid. But that feeling of paranoia turned out to be true in that relationship.

I sincerely hope you can sort it out!

JustErin, I totally agree with you on the invasion of privacy and respect thing. I think if a couple mutually respect each other there's no way in hell they'll cheat, meaning there's nothing to hide and therefore no reason to go looking.

BTW awesome new(ish) avatar.

Just as you should have nothing bad to hide, they should have no reason to go searching through your personal stuff.

If they feel the need to search, maybe it's time for a convo about what they are worried they will find

And BlackBob, I am waiting for you to say a single good thing about one of your relationships!!

If you have nothing to hide, being faithful and not flirting with anyone, then I don't understand what the problem is? If someone is checking your phone, there's a pretty good chance you have given them reason in the past not to trust you in the first place. In that case, it's probably best that you move on to another relationship. But, if you choose to stay, then you just have to deal with it.

connorhawke said:

JustErin, I totally agree with you on the invasion of privacy and respect thing. I think if a couple mutually respect each other there's no way in hell they'll cheat, meaning there's nothing to hide and therefore no reason to go looking.

In an ideal world, I agree. Mutual respect alone would pretty much abolish the very concept of cheating.

Respect would indicate that when you have decided that you are no longer interested in an individual, you pack your bags and walk out the door. That is a sign of respect.

But people lie when they cheat, and tend to use people, and the whole "have my cake and eat it too" takes on a whole new meaning. That's when the whole "respect" thing goes out the window.

Reading someone's texts is nowhere NEAR as hurtful or illicit than fucking another person in the matrimonial bed.

No one said that checking texts is more hurtful than cheating.

It's wrong to cheat and it's wrong to go through your partner's private messages without their consent. I will never understand the whole, "two wrongs make a right" logic.

And what if you find out that your suspicions were totally unfounded? Then you will just be like, "oops...oh well. I still had the right to do it because I thought they were cheating".

Just don't do it...period.

It's inappropriate no matter what you're motivations are.

If you're that untrusting of your partner, even after asking them about it....leave them....because it means either they are cheating on you or you have serious trust issues that will ruin the relationship.

[Edited 10/18/11 13:02pm]

kitbradley said:

If you have nothing to hide, being faithful and not flirting with anyone, then I don't understand what the problem is? If someone is checking your phone, there's a pretty good chance you have given them reason in the past not to trust you in the first place. In that case, it's probably best that you move on to another relationship. But, if you choose to stay, then you just have to deal with it.

It could also be an irrational paranoia or an overblown sense of entitlement or ownership.

I will immediately dump a guy if I catch him snooping through my things. I hate a person who "snoops"... if you want to see something, ask me, but to go behind my back and treat me as if I am a liar, then you need to kick rocks and get out my life buddy.

I always tell myself... if I need to look into his cell phone to "make sure" or go into his email, his pants, closet , etc. to search to see IF I find something, then I need to just break up with him because I just do not trust him. I will NOT be with a man I don't trust.

I left the father of my children... my LAST straw (and there were many) was when I would leave the car to go into the store... he would rifle through my purse and take things. One time he took my CD out and had a nerve to leave a message in my bag...

I gave him back his message he wrote to me in hand and dumped him the same day... I was too pissed.

I never go through my man's things without permission, never ever.

JustErin said:

No one said that checking texts is more hurtful than cheating.

It's wrong to cheat and it's wrong to go through your partner's private messages without their consent. I will never understand the whole, "two wrongs make a right" logic.

And what if you find out that your suspicions were totally unfounded? Then you will just be like, "oops...oh well. I still had the right to do it because I thought they were cheating".

Just don't do it...period.

It's inappropriate no matter what you're motivations are.

If you're that untrusting of your partner, even after asking them about it....leave them....because it means either they are cheating on you or you have serious trust issues that will ruin the relationship.

I agree with most of your points...but I guess it's just something you deal with when it happens.

Yes, you should be with someone whom you trust implicitly.

Yes, there should be complete trust and respect between two partners.

Yes, a relationship with trust or respect issues is not worth keeping.

No, two wrongs don't make a right.

IMO, any normal person in a normal relationship - especially after many, many years together - can feel the change and feel when they're being lied to and/or manipulated.

How would you feel being sworn to, SWORN TO, that something wasn't going to be done...and you rely on your inherent desire to trust to brush away that "feeling"... and then you find out that it was done anyway? Yes, it's time to walk away at that point...but if you rely on "trust" and "respect" then you could wind up living months or years being duped and deceived and used.

I would rather KNOW than suspect. I would rather snoop and have to apologize than not and remain a chump.

I understand the flipside of course. In a normal healthy relationship, there should BE NO snooping, no reading of texts, no feelings of paranoia or "overblown sense of entitlement/ownership". Someone constantly checking up on their significant other and accusing them of cheating at the slightest drop of a dime makes for bad times. Those are signs of a bad relationship and time to pack up and move on.

Me, personally...I have no problem unlocking my phone and leaving my password on auto on the computer. If I am with you, especially after taking a vow on the altar...I'm with you...mind, body and soul. Go ahead and read my email, go ahead and read my orgnotes, go ahead and read my texts. It's not a big deal to me.

But then again, I've always been on the boring side...maybe after a few more months on the Org, the way things are going, I might have stuff to hide.

paintedlady said:

I will immediately dump a guy if I catch him snooping through my things. I hate a person who "snoops"... if you want to see something, ask me, but to go behind my back and treat me as if I am a liar, then you need to kick rocks and get out my life buddy.

I always tell myself... if I need to look into his cell phone to "make sure" or go into his email, his pants, closet , etc. to search to see IF I find something, then I need to just break up with him because I just do not trust him. I will NOT be with a man I don't trust.

I left the father of my children... my LAST straw (and there were many) was when I would leave the car to go into the store... he would rifle through my purse and take things. One time he took my CD out and had a nerve to leave a message in my bag...

I gave him back his message he wrote to me in hand and dumped him the same day... I was too pissed.

I never go through my man's things without permission, never ever.

Egg-friggin'-zackly.

I will show you anything you want to see - but ask me.

Im a snooper......if im in ur house im leaving with something!!!! Bra/Undies.....If Davetherave is ur house dont leave me on my own...... ......Invite 2 dinner paintedlady??

NDRU said:

blackbob said:

NDRU said:

Just as you should have nothing bad to hide, they should have no reason to go searching through your personal stuff.

If they feel the need to search, maybe it's time for a convo about what they are worried they will find

And BlackBob, I am waiting for you to say a single good thing about one of your relationships!!

I have it isn't all bad before...but she does stuff that I find very hard to justify to myself...I have never even kissed another woman in all the time I have been with her but accuses Me of hiding things all the time...all I do is work and watch the kids..yes I did have a few one night stands in my first relationship but that was a sexless and dead relationship for years and I stayed for my young son but I didn't want it like that ..I believe in staying faithful in a relationship....and I have done...

Are you sure she isn't creeping? Because that sounds (to me) like somebody who wants to catch you doing something wrong to justify her own wrongdoing.

GET

OUT

anyone who is suspicious is probably doing wronge shit

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

blackbob said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

GET

OUT

anyone who is suspicious is probably doing wronge shit

Are you saying that she might be up to no good supa ?...... I think I would sense that....

Her actions say something. Jealous people are almost always capable of doing the things they are jealous over. It's called projections. Lock your phone and password everything. If she doesn't like it too bad so sad!

This became an issue for me with one person I was dating a good while back.

I then found out, after talking to him, that he had been cheated on more than once,

by his girlfriend in college and later by his (x) wife. This caused him to have a lot of

anxiety around the issue, especially since he NEVER even thought that the other two

women were, or ever would, cheat on him. So after some talking we exchanged passwords to

everything but bank accounts: all social media sights, porn sights, phones, photobucket etc.

After that he was totally cool.

After that I started offering the same to anyone else I was in a LTR with. Most took me up on the

deal, some totally didn't need it. I can honestly say that I never used the passwords unless the

other person asked me to do so (to send an e-mail for them, etc).

Works for some people, the thing is finding what works for you, and being open and honest

about it...but also being flexible about what your partner needs. Everyone has a different story

and if you want to stay with the other person, whatever their issues/triggers might be, you have

to be willing to work with them, which sometimes means shifting how you normally do things.

I go through this all the time, constantly being accused of shit when nothing was going on. I recently got a call from my shop steward at work & my wife answered & never told me she had called at all. When I went to a union meeting the next day, she says I called you to let you know a co-worker/friend of mine fiance had passed away & that the funeral was earlier that day. I could have at least went to the viewing for support & that bothered me real bad. When I tld her about what the call was for, there was no sorry or nothing.

If it continues, lock your phone or suspend the service all together and that will really piss her off, cause when your away there will be no way of contacting you!!!!!

Her phones rangs & messages come through & I don't touch it at all.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: