Have you ever wanted something so bad, you dreamed about it
forever, wished for it to come true, fantasised about it,
longed and yearned for it. yes, even burned for it?

And when -if at all- it came within reach, almost to the
point where you were able to say 99% sure it would happen,
did you decidedly fuck it up just to keep the "yearning"?

To speak in english [instead of tongues], if you could get
the one thing you really longed for in exactly an hour from
now, would you accept it?

Or would you first be very happy and then reject it, in
order to keep dreaming. Cuz what if it weren't all you
thought it would be? That would cost you one hell of a
cool fantasy wouldn't it???

Argh. Sometimes I feel like Eye'm gonna Xplode - indeed!

I can think of one thing that I've always wanted in life, and in a way, I've achieved it, but not at the highest level. So I would definitely grab the chance if it came along, because I would have to see what it would be like. I wouldn't care if it didn't work out in the long run, because at least I could say that I'd been there.

Whoah...

1. I sometimes sabotage my dream coming true. Only because the saboteur in me isn't comfortable living with the dream yet, for whatever reason.
2. Yes, if in one hour I could not sabotage getting what I want, I would embrace it with open arms.
3. I wouldn't need to reject it to keep dreaming, as in accepting it, I would be living my dream, which would mean I would be happy. I know, I have experienced that which I want for short periods of time and it was more than I thought it would be.
4. I think that it is also shock that holds me back too. I mean, chasing something for so long and then being able to have it and be happy means unknown territory (ie. happiness), which is a shock to my system.

Some people have happiness anxiety--it feels simply inappropriate to succeed or get what you want. Like it's inappropriate or not real. Actually many of us have this problem to different extents...I believe it has something to do with feeling worthy.

teller said:


I get this way all the time. I don't allow myself to get too happy or excited about things because I know I'll just be let down eventually. I always feel like I don't deserve to have really good things happen to me, which is so stupid because I'm one of the luckiest people I know. So then I just think that it will all end soon, so I better be prepared for the worst. My husband thinks I'm crazy for being this way.

minneapolisgenius said:

For many of us, as children we constantly wanted things and our parents were always bashing us for being materialistic or spoiled--and so we ended up being defined as undeserving, at least partially.

teller said:

More like we're endlessly conditioned to want products we don't need or can't afford, and are constantly encouraged to feel inadequate for not having them.

Aerogram said:

Possibly, though I don't see how that would prevent someone, psychologically, from actually accepting the thing once it was offered/achieved.

DAMN, that's DEEP!

IstenSzek said:

What have you been reading IstenSzek?

Here's a poem from the great modern Greek poet Constantine Cavafy called "Desires":



Yes I've been drinking.

Aerogram said:

That's the ticket.

Materialistic wise, NO! But I did have a bad dream today that somebody came in my room and stold all my jewelry even the ones on my body (u know dreams,guess I was wearing some in my dream) anyway, I woke up in my dream and noticed my jewelry on my fingers were not the same as the ones I had on, I only wear gold and the ones on my fingers were silver. I looked in my bag,(in my dream I was in a hotel) guess I had my jewelry in a bad ... anyway I noticed all my jewelry had been switched with fake jewelry. Well the people who were in the room next to me stole my jewelry and I was just about to call the police but in my dream I was so upset because I could not replace my jewelry, (I have to really like something to buy it). Anyway I just had to tell someone my dream. ...Ok...Now back to the question, I have always yearned and dreamed of having someone I can trust, trust with all my heart, and someone to share my inner happiness with...Thats all...nothing much.

2the9s said:

Well, you quote some very beautiful things when you're
drinking 9's.

I like it.

Therapy said:

That's it, right there! That's exactly how I see it, I
always try to sabotage things, up until the last minute.

If I don't succeed at this sabotage, I just accept the
things that are coming and go with it.

IstenSzek said:

Know the sabateur in you. Understand why it sabotages you from being able to get into 'that space'. Then it will walk in with you!

IstenSzek said:

yes but every morning i wake up and he is STILL there

and now i dont want it any more
[This message was edited Sun Feb 16 13:54:47 PST 2003 by DORA]