To those of you in committed relationships or marriages, I'd like your input on fighting for those relationships. How, before you reached that marriage/forever commitment point, did you navigate the ups and downs of knowing when it was worth the struggle, the communication gaps, the misunderstandings and blown expectations?

What was your "This one right here -- they're worth it" moment?

i remember fighting to keep the marriage alive... just 4 the kids sake.... no other motivation

but its hard to keep on going when the other person does not try or is not committed, and takes everything u do 4 granted

when its a one way thing its not worth fighting 4

When I decide to be in a relationship and love the person then I will fight for it as long as I see any chance to make it work. Even if I won't succeed, at least I tried.

Serious said:

When I decide to be in a relationship and love the person then I will fight for it as long as I see any chance to make it work. Even if I won't succeed, at least I tried.

thats sooooo true... and at least u know u tried and that way u cant blame yourself or have any 'what if's'

FuzzyWitch said:

Serious said:

When I decide to be in a relationship and love the person then I will fight for it as long as I see any chance to make it work. Even if I won't succeed, at least I tried.

thats sooooo true... and at least u know u tried and that way u cant blame yourself or have any 'what if's'

If I gave my best then it wasn't meant to be. It still hurts, but at least I need not blame myself. I believe in that saying that it is harder to regret to not have tried things than to try and fail.

ThreadBare said:

To those of you in committed relationships or marriages, I'd like your input on fighting for those relationships. How, before you reached that marriage/forever commitment point, did you navigate the ups and downs of knowing when it was worth the struggle, the communication gaps, the misunderstandings and blown expectations?

What was your "This one right here -- they're worth it" moment?

3 days after we started going out. I hadn't navigated any ups and downs at that point, but still felt ok about asking her to spend her life with me. Thankfully it worked out ok!

It should be noted we didn't actually get married until 6 years later though.

Fauxie said:

ThreadBare said:

To those of you in committed relationships or marriages, I'd like your input on fighting for those relationships. How, before you reached that marriage/forever commitment point, did you navigate the ups and downs of knowing when it was worth the struggle, the communication gaps, the misunderstandings and blown expectations?

What was your "This one right here -- they're worth it" moment?

3 days after we started going out. I hadn't navigated any ups and downs at that point, but still felt ok about asking her to spend her life with me. Thankfully it worked out ok!

It should be noted we didn't actually get married until 6 years later though.

thats often a wise move

FuzzyWitch said:

Fauxie said:

3 days after we started going out. I hadn't navigated any ups and downs at that point, but still felt ok about asking her to spend her life with me. Thankfully it worked out ok!

It should be noted we didn't actually get married until 6 years later though.

thats often a wise move

Yep, we lived together, were basically like a married couple all that time, but hadn't actually married. By the time we did marry nothing was changing in our lives by doing it, which was good. We already knew exactly what it would be like.

About 3 years ago now (it seems like FOREVER) I was pratically engaged. Actually, we had agreed to it but just not set a date.

Personally, I think it's different for everyone when that ureka moment is, but for me it was more about an personal adventure I was having. I was experimenting and really shouldn't have dove in before I even knew the person.

We thought we knew each other, but we didn't. We both had radically different fantasies of what the other would be like, and were horrible matches. But sometimes, you walk into thie relationship and you tell yourself, "I'm going to make it work, because I'm in a commitment. I'm going to ensure I do everything I can to make this very special bond stay put" in in reality what really needs to happen is a disolving of that bond, especially if it is predicated on the idea of commitment for its own sake.

Lukily (though I didn't see it at the time), this person had been looking for an out for a couple of months and made it as difficult as possible to be together. There was distance, there was the late nights clubbing and not calling, and there was the infamous text message to wish me Valentines day.... A text message! .. And still, my dumbass said, "I can make this work, even though I had long ago realized I wasn't in love. I even said the same gushing 'I love yous' despite not having felt that way. I still made public declarations, flamboyantly and desperately, saying how special the bond was, when there was no bond--just this commitment I felt obligated to. Again, luckily, this person was looking for an out, and managed to discard me during a very dark time in my life (Career, social, etc.). I can not even begin to tell you how blessed I feel for having undergone that experience. I think back about it in some anger, but I have never been one to think that supressing anger or your true ire towards somebody is a healthy thing---express it...safely and candidly.

It's funny.

Before that experience i had always judged mothers (or anyone) who stayed in a commitment just to make it work as insane. I used to think that doing it 'for the children' was the worst possible reason to do it.

...I dont judge so much anymore.

imago said:

About 3 years ago now (it seems like FOREVER) I was pratically engaged. Actually, we had agreed to it but just not set a date.

Personally, I think it's different for everyone when that ureka moment is, but for me it was more about an personal adventure I was having. I was experimenting and really shouldn't have dove in before I even knew the person.

We thought we knew each other, but we didn't. We both had radically different fantasies of what the other would be like, and were horrible matches. But sometimes, you walk into thie relationship and you tell yourself, "I'm going to make it work, because I'm in a commitment. I'm going to ensure I do everything I can to make this very special bond stay put" in in reality what really needs to happen is a disolving of that bond, especially if it is predicated on the idea of commitment for its own sake.

Lukily (though I didn't see it at the time), this person had been looking for an out for a couple of months and made it as difficult as possible to be together. There was distance, there was the late nights clubbing and not calling, and there was the infamous text message to wish me Valentines day.... A text message! .. And still, my dumbass said, "I can make this work, even though I had long ago realized I wasn't in love. I even said the same gushing 'I love yous' despite not having felt that way. I still made public declarations, flamboyantly and desperately, saying how special the bond was, when there was no bond--just this commitment I felt obligated to. Again, luckily, this person was looking for an out, and managed to discard me during a very dark time in my life (Career, social, etc.). I can not even begin to tell you how blessed I feel for having undergone that experience. I think back about it in some anger, but I have never been one to think that supressing anger or your true ire towards somebody is a healthy thing---express it...safely and candidly.

It's funny.

Before that experience i had always judged mothers (or anyone) who stayed in a commitment just to make it work as insane. I used to think that doing it 'for the children' was the worst possible reason to do it.

...I dont judge so much anymore.

This was interesting to read. I just asked Mon if she thought we are committed to the idea of commitment rather than specifically to each other, as we do clash a LOT (as in routinely ) and have been through many dramas it seems like other ppl break up over. She said we're not like that. Sometimes it feels like we're the most tenuous, precarious couple we know, but other times the strongest, most solid. I think we're more often the latter than the former, but it is interesting to consider. We've seen couples around us break up (and some of them without us having any hand in it ). We're almost notorious among friends, family and anybody who's ever worked at a bar or pub we frequent for our almost obligatory end of night flare-ups and public fights, yet we're still together. It's almost like we love each other or something, despite our best efforts not to.

These are wonderful. I've always been the type to stay and fight for it. But if time proves I'm in a situation where I just can't win. After years of seeing that scenario play out, I wonder if my peace-out threshold is too low.

Fighting for someone is admirable, I have decided, so long as you do not debase yourself in the process.

What good is it to pine after someone or try to change yourself or live up to their expectations when they do not respect or love you in return?

The fight is only as good as the prize, I guess.

I’m only a rookie here, as you well know.

I’m about a year and a half in and while we’re not yet engaged we’ve had the conversation that we think this is it. When we talk about future plans it is all very much “we”. I’ve known for a while now that this is the man I want to grow old with, that more than anything I want this to work.

I haven’t had one single moment that solidified this decision, but a series of them over time. We are still having ups and downs, still having misunderstandings, but it’s how we handle them that lets me know this can (and hopefully will) work. We don’t have many arguments (or many “downs” for that matter), but when we do they tend to be pretty big. Neither of us has ever gotten petty and we’ve stayed to talk through what we needed to - we might have wanted to walk out the door on the conversation, but we walked in the next room instead and came back when we were cooled down to talk through it better.

I am at a point where I now trust that I can bring up the tough stuff with him and it might be uncomfortable at first, but he listens. And frankly, it’s not even that uncomfortable any more.

And the good stuff, well. The good stuff is damn good.