I'm on my way home from class, about an hour later than normal.

I get a call from the fella to check where I am. He's worried that I'm a little late.

He's gone to bed to lay down before work (night shift).

I come home, hoist shopping bags onto the counter. Now we have a small counter that has a hotplate on it. The bags don't go on the hotplate except for a very small corner of one. After a second or so I smell something odd so look over, and put my hand down on a hotplate that's on at half temp. There's no light or anything so I've no way of knowing it's on.

Of course I immediately yell my default pain response which is a really loud gutteral "fuck fuck oh fuck ow ow ow fuck fuck fuck".

He calls out from upstairs to see if I'm ok. I'm still "fucking". Eventually I calm down enough to get it into cold water and realise that he's still upstairs in bed. Five minutes later I walk upstairs with my hand in a bowl of iced water and flip my lid. Things like "i can't believe you" "i'm screaming in pain from burning my hand because you left the stove on and you don't give a shit to check"

No apology, no response except for "I called you when you yelled but you didn't respond"

Apparently he didn't check because I didn't respond. What the fuck? And then when I again flip my lid there's no understanding of why I'm upset. I just don't fucking get it.....

Am I mad or was that just wrong? Should I be controlling the pain to run upstairs to explain why I'm screaming? What the fuck?

I'd understand if I was irrationaly ranting and raving but I told him leaving the stove on was a simple mistake and it's the fact that he appeared to not really give a fuck that I needed help that made me flip. I dressed the burns myself while he went to sleep.

What would you lot do?

I think if you smelled something odd, you must have thought..hmm, maybe the burner is on or still hot from before...so you shouldn't have just stuck your and on it.

I also think you are over reacting just a tad. I think you need to calm down a bit, tell him that it bothered you that he didn't seem concerned about you injuring yourself and leave it at that.

connorhawke said:

What would you lot do?

Get a grip.

Honest opinion? You absolutely over-reacted. And there would be no chance that I would smell something odd, then put my hand down on a hot plate to see if that's what it was. Your fella didn't bother getting out of bed after your non-response, likely because he's used to your over-reactions.

Just my initial thoughts, not knowing either one of you.

Is this the one that ....um.... and forgive me for sounding like an ass.....but is this the guy that sort of left you during a painful period in your life? Is this the same one?

Because if it is, then I have a predisposed distrust towards him anyway, so I may not be the best person to offer up my 2 cents.

If it's not the same guy, or if I'm at liberty to forget that past transgression, then I'll say this: If he's working the night shift and really needs to get some sleep, perhaps he's desensatized to things at that hour. I know it sounds wierd by my own sympathy finds itself at a low ebb when I'm working shift. And it's not because I'm a bad person, but you become physically and emotionally drained when you do shift work--you may seem normal, but no shift workers are completely normal.

If I'm really tired and I'm in bed, I'm not going to get up for just any old thing. I'd give you a courtesy "Are you all right?" that I yelled from bed, as your boyfriend did, but unless you give me the universal rallying cry of "Help!" I am not getting my ass out of bed.

So yeah, I think you were completely in the wrong on that one.

Re-reading this after I've slept a bit I can see this all a little clearer.

I didn't put my hand on the hotplate to test if it was on, guys.

I thought the smell was coming from the bag so put my hand down to lean down and smell the bag! My brain didn't equate the smell with burning at the time

Efan, and Shorty, thanks for your honest responses. I can definitely see your points of view. Shorty I think I'll do that.

P-Dogz, thanks. I'm not normally a big "over-reactor" though. Normally I try to suck it in and be calm but just couldn't / didn't in this case.

Genesia, I don't know why you bothered posting something so short and abrupt. No helpful and a little cruel.

Imago, yeah it's the same guy. I guess maybe this might be the reason for my reaction. Perhaps I'm not trusting him in "crisis" situations because of past history? :hmmm2:

I also understand Dan's comment about the shift work. Yes it is evil working shifts. Don't think I could work them again.

imago said:

Is this the one that ....um.... and forgive me for sounding like an ass.....but is this the guy that sort of left you during a painful period in your life? Is this the same one?

Because if it is, then I have a predisposed distrust towards him anyway, so I may not be the best person to offer up my 2 cents.

If it's not the same guy, or if I'm at liberty to forget that past transgression, then I'll say this: If he's working the night shift and really needs to get some sleep, perhaps he's desensatized to things at that hour. I know it sounds wierd by my own sympathy finds itself at a low ebb when I'm working shift. And it's not because I'm a bad person, but you become physically and emotionally drained when you do shift work--you may seem normal, but no shift workers are completely normal.

Yep, you switch off to certain things.

sorry about your burnt hand! hope you feel better..

[Edited 9/1/11 16:57pm]

I love to sleep and probably would have stayed in bed too

hope you're okay

My thoughts:

On here, you come across as a very sensible, sensitive, thoughtfull, friendly, funny, rational and most often grounded guy. I have never seen you behave like a dramaqueen (the subject of uggs flip flops being the exeption of that rule). Therefore I don't think you would act like that IRL, and your strong reaction to the pain of the burns is sincere and not dramatized in order to get his attention.

You are not merely assuming that your own behaviour was unquestionable. Your post reflects that your intention is to actively ask for different angles on the situation. You are clearly not fishing for any justification for pitying yourself without taking any responsebility for your own contribution to the stress.

Therefore, it is just to argue that your general and intrinsic behaviour is reasonable, responsible and commited to your partner. Anybody who wants you to think different, imo, does that with the intention to make you doubt yourself, and with that, 'weaken' you. So, when somebody would claim that, don't even consider it valid, unless he can back that up with factual material. Otherwise, it's merely manipulation with no good intention at all.

It is your own decision if you want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't support, nor nourishes or cherishes you when it's obvious that you need and deserve that. It's under your own control to have a partner who made a mistake with a damaging consequence for you, without owning up or apologizing for it, but trivialize and playing it down.

To answer your question "What would you lot do?"

I would, inspite of the heartache, pain and horrible future tears and grief, protect myself from a partner that doesn't support me and doesn't positively contributes to my personal growth.

And I hope you would not allow any man, eventhough he has many great characteristics and you love him, to be your partner if he is just not good for you. I hope you would rather go through the pain of a break up so you can proceed on your current positive, constructive manner of approaching your life and assume that in the future, there will be another man for you, one that is good for you and does support and admire the way you deserve.

I think you are a great person. You truly deserve better than this man.

Wish you well, with a lot of wisdom, luck and support.

my husband is working over night now, and i think you could drop a bomb on the house and he would sleep through it.

Dude. This is the org. Not a support group. Yeah, yeah, "Cerebus, you're a dick." Whatever. You're in a relationship - go deal with it.

Oh yeah. I do hope your hand is OK. Burns suck.

@Cerberus:

Completely contrasting posts there. A gentle slap and then a "hope you're ok"

1. I put this on here for a couple of reasons:

2. I respect quite a few people on here and value their opinions.

3. In some ways people are more honest on here than they would be face to face.

4. I understand my limitations and know that the opinions of others can help me see parts about myself I would otherwise miss.

5. The org is a brilliantly varied control group

This isn't a support group and people are quite free to ignore this thread and post on the more fun ones if they like . I'm soooo not after sympathy Anyway, I'm Australian. Generally, we don't DO support groups.

@ DJJ Thank you very very much for your post. It was extremely well thought out and also very helpful. You're a good one and I thank you.

[Edited 9/1/11 21:40pm]

I really meant it, too. I can often be a dick, but I'm not an uncaring dick.

I get what you're saying and I agree with a lot of it. But in general, I don't think asking for advice on the internet is a particularly healthy exercise. I think this is the kind of stuff you should, first, talk to your partner about, and second, discuss with friends and family who actually know you. I'm just not one for airing my dirty laundry any more than is absolutely necessary. Unfortunately for me, its definitely becoming the norm. And for whatever reason there's been a TON of it around here lately. Which sort of shocks me, because I don't view the regular GD posters as the most sane, normal, serious, level headed, etc. group of individuals to begin with. Give them an open door and, look out!

Thank you for taking my comments so lightheartedly. Its appreciated.

Cerebus said:

......I don't view the regular GD posters as the most sane, normal, serious, level headed, etc. group of individuals to begin with. Give them an open door and, look out!

Thank you for taking my comments so lightheartedly. Its appreciated.

I'm pretty sure that's why we're on here in most cases

Cerebus said:

I really meant it, too. I can often be a dick, but I'm not an uncaring dick.

I get what you're saying and I agree with a lot of it. But in general, I don't think asking for advice on the internet is a particularly healthy exercise. I think this is the kind of stuff you should, first, talk to your partner about, and second, discuss with friends and family who actually know you. I'm just not one for airing my dirty laundry any more than is absolutely necessary. Unfortunately for me, its definitely becoming the norm. And for whatever reason there's been a TON of it around here lately. Which sort of shocks me, because I don't view the regular GD posters as the most sane, normal, serious, level headed, etc. group of individuals to begin with. Give them an open door and, look out!

Thank you for taking my comments so lightheartedly. Its appreciated.

I know what you're saying, but given the circumstances, I disagree. Yes, people do have a tendency to overshare here, and on other message boards, but I don't think this was a case of that. The org is a big group of people with all kinds of backgrounds and experiences, and the collective wisdom of a large group can be impressive, assuming you realize that some people need not be listened to. Everybody who's been in a relationship for even a little bit of time knows there are moments when you just get exasperated, and sometimes it helps to ask for a reality check from an impartial group.

There are times when I think it makes more sense to ask relative strangers some questions that relate to personal matters, just because it might help you put things more in perspective. And if there's a chink in the armor of my relationship, I might not want to open up about it with people who are close to me and know me well. The comfort of strangers might be more appealing, for various reasons.

All that said, there are tons of times where I'm astounded at the nature of things that some people post. In cases like those, I would agree with you.

Just my two cents...

Efan said:

Cerebus said:

I really meant it, too. I can often be a dick, but I'm not an uncaring dick.

I get what you're saying and I agree with a lot of it. But in general, I don't think asking for advice on the internet is a particularly healthy exercise. I think this is the kind of stuff you should, first, talk to your partner about, and second, discuss with friends and family who actually know you. I'm just not one for airing my dirty laundry any more than is absolutely necessary. Unfortunately for me, its definitely becoming the norm. And for whatever reason there's been a TON of it around here lately. Which sort of shocks me, because I don't view the regular GD posters as the most sane, normal, serious, level headed, etc. group of individuals to begin with. Give them an open door and, look out!

Thank you for taking my comments so lightheartedly. Its appreciated.

I know what you're saying, but given the circumstances, I disagree. Yes, people do have a tendency to overshare here, and on other message boards, but I don't think this was a case of that. The org is a big group of people with all kinds of backgrounds and experiences, and the collective wisdom of a large group can be impressive, assuming you realize that some people need not be listened to. Everybody who's been in a relationship for even a little bit of time knows there are moments when you just get exasperated, and sometimes it helps to ask for a reality check from an impartial group.

There are times when I think it makes more sense to ask relative strangers some questions that relate to personal matters, just because it might help you put things more in perspective. And if there's a chink in the armor of my relationship, I might not want to open up about it with people who are close to me and know me well. The comfort of strangers might be more appealing, for various reasons.

All that said, there are tons of times where I'm astounded at the nature of things that some people post. In cases like those, I would agree with you.

Just my two cents...

While I'm not likely to put very much personal information out on the Internet (although I am usually willing to share my personal opinion on things), I can appreciate when someone is sincerely looking for advice, and often feel that for the most part the org is usually pretty good as a whole with offering it. Also, there have been times when sad or disturbing things have happened in the world, where it felt good to be able to come here and share in those feelings with others. The wing-nuts & trolls are easy enough to step around and ignore (as soon as they identify themselves as such).

Dump him, because if you caught on fire, he wouldn't get out of bed to put you out.