CarrieMpls said:

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

I have a friend who would be considered very stereotypically hot (great face and hair, abs for days, muscles, the whole 9 yards) and he's a SUPER nice guy. Fun to hang out with, everything.

He's gay, though. And being as I've never been in a relationship with him, I don't know if he treats his bf's any differently.

I think that is the point: "you never know". People can show a pretty good cover lol

PurpleJedi said:

NDRU said:

But what about the hot jerk who pretends to be nice?

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

Yes

It's not just about being "hot" or "nice". Be yourself and not go with the labels, is a good start.

If you ask me.

NDRU said:

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

sure I have known nice hot guys, they usually have some kind of self-esteem issue

maybe this makes them less hot though

Actually, I read somewhere that most bodybuilders (the real ones) suffer from self-esteem issues.

CarrieMpls said:

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

I have a friend who would be considered very stereotypically hot (great face and hair, abs for days, muscles, the whole 9 yards) and he's a SUPER nice guy. Fun to hang out with, everything.

He's gay, though. And being as I've never been in a relationship with him, I don't know if he treats his bf's any differently.

OK, so it completely misses the mark regarding this topic ("nice guy" vs "hot jerk" in getting women)

Tremolina said:

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

Yes

It's not just about being "hot" or "nice". Be yourself and not go with the labels, is a good start.

If you ask me.

BUT right now we're arguing (discussing really) the whole concept of a "hot" guy (for what that's worth) also being a "nice" guy for the sake of debunking or proving the "myth" of how women respond or are attracted to these men.

Read up a few posts and you'll see that it's a fact that there has to be a physical attraction. A "hot" guy will provide MORE of that initial attraction than a plain-looking, geeky type, (who tucks in his t-shirts for example ), regardless of how they label themselves.

The further question I posed - in response to the comment "a hot nice guy will trump a hot jerk" - is whether or not such an animal truly exists.

You stated that I am wrong. Really?

PurpleJedi said:

CarrieMpls said:

I have a friend who would be considered very stereotypically hot (great face and hair, abs for days, muscles, the whole 9 yards) and he's a SUPER nice guy. Fun to hang out with, everything.

He's gay, though. And being as I've never been in a relationship with him, I don't know if he treats his bf's any differently.

OK, so it completely misses the mark regarding this topic ("nice guy" vs "hot jerk" in getting women)

I'm just saying nice, hot guys absolutely DO exist.

Heck, my boyfriend is one.

I'll admit my first boyfriend was totally the bad boy type (when I was 17-19) but after all that I waited it out for the nice guys. Hot might get you a date but if you're a jerk you're not getting another one.

PurpleJedi said:

NDRU said:

But what about the hot jerk who pretends to be nice?

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

There's the nice guy who doesn't know he's hot.

PurpleJedi said:

NDRU said:

But what about the hot jerk who pretends to be nice?

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

Yeah, you're definitely wrong.

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

I mean, seriously. If you've the nice bod & the paycheck & the chiseled face & the sense of humor & the long schlong...the natural overabundance in confidence turns into "cockyness" which makes you a "jerk" to all the less-than-perfect-10 women that he turns down in favor of Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox.

Am I wrong?

Yeah, you're definitely wrong.

co-sign.

But we're talking hot. Why did you mention rich?

Hot doesn't mean cocky jerk. Really, I promise.

PunkMistress said:

JustErin said:

Yeah, you're definitely wrong.

co-sign.

But we're talking hot. Why did you mention rich?

Hot doesn't mean cocky jerk. Really, I promise.

Also, why would being attracted to Scarlett and Megan types make him a "jerk"?

When my relationship began... I was definitely the bad boy. As the relationship progressed into marriage.... I slowly morphed into the nice guy. Hell, I thought that's what it was about. I thought I was maturing and doing the right thing. She told me she wanted to know my insecurities, my fears, and like an idiot, I believed her.

What I'm seeing now (and what my family think) is that she essentially emasculated me in order to "control" the relationship, so to speak. And because I didn't know any better... I let it happen. I let down all my walls, all my guards...... and I allowed her to exploit my weakness and know my vulnerabilites.......little did I realize, what was happening was that I lost the qualities that attracted her in the first place.

And well, y'all know what happened, she hooked up with someone else and divorce papers are getting signed in the next week, after 7 years together and 5 of marriage.

Well, I won't be making that mistake again. The bad boy is back. In more ways than one. And he's a LOT smarter this mothafuckin' time. This time around, I'm lookin' out for #1!

Jedi, I agree with the article. Of course there's some bitterness there. There's some here. Find me someone that got fucked over that doesn't have that. As long as you don't hold on to it, and you learn from it, then it's all good.

JustErin said:

PunkMistress said:

co-sign.

But we're talking hot. Why did you mention rich?

Hot doesn't mean cocky jerk. Really, I promise.

Also, why would being attracted to Scarlett and Megan types make him a "jerk"?

I just used those two crushes as examples...say for example either one of you ladies met a dude somewhere that you thought was hot, and he struck up a conversation with you and everything & he's "nice"...then he catches a glimpse of Megan Fox who winks back because he's hot...and leaves you mid-sentence so he can go pursue her...you're going to say "jerk". Or worse.

And I threw in "paycheck" b/c someone else included it in their post up there somewhere.

...and for the record, I'm really, really rooting for the "nice guy trumps jerk" stance that you fine ladies have been defending as I wade into the murky waters of dating at my old-ass age.

Militant said:

When my relationship began... I was definitely the bad boy. As the relationship progressed into marriage.... I slowly morphed into the nice guy. Hell, I thought that's what it was about. I thought I was maturing and doing the right thing. She told me she wanted to know my insecurities, my fears, and like an idiot, I believed her.

What I'm seeing now (and what my family think) is that she essentially emasculated me in order to "control" the relationship, so to speak. And because I didn't know any better... I let it happen. I let down all my walls, all my guards...... and I allowed her to exploit my weakness and know my vulnerabilites.......little did I realize, what was happening was that I lost the qualities that attracted her in the first place.

And well, y'all know what happened, she hooked up with someone else and divorce papers are getting signed in the next week, after 7 years together and 5 of marriage.

Well, I won't be making that mistake again. The bad boy is back. In more ways than one. And he's a LOT smarter this mothafuckin' time. This time around, I'm lookin' out for #1!

Jedi, I agree with the article. Of course there's some bitterness there. There's some here. Find me someone that got fucked over that doesn't have that. As long as you don't hold on to it, and you learn from it, then it's all good.

Awwwwww

Glad the badboy's back and smarter. Btw...I always thought you were nice, and kinda dangerous. But that's just me.

For you, sugarplum:

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

Also, why would being attracted to Scarlett and Megan types make him a "jerk"?

I just used those two crushes as examples...say for example either one of you ladies met a dude somewhere that you thought was hot, and he struck up a conversation with you and everything & he's "nice"...then he catches a glimpse of Megan Fox who winks back because he's hot...and leaves you mid-sentence so he can go pursue her...you're going to say "jerk". Or worse.

And I threw in "paycheck" b/c someone else included it in their post up there somewhere.

...and for the record, I'm really, really rooting for the "nice guy trumps jerk" stance that you fine ladies have been defending as I wade into the murky waters of dating at my old-ass age.

Him finding a woman more attractive then he thinks I am would not make him a jerk. Him walking away from me (regardless of the reason why) would make him rude.

Your example was not a very good one.

Militant said:

When my relationship began... I was definitely the bad boy. As the relationship progressed into marriage.... I slowly morphed into the nice guy. Hell, I thought that's what it was about. I thought I was maturing and doing the right thing. She told me she wanted to know my insecurities, my fears, and like an idiot, I believed her.

What I'm seeing now (and what my family think) is that she essentially emasculated me in order to "control" the relationship, so to speak. And because I didn't know any better... I let it happen. I let down all my walls, all my guards...... and I allowed her to exploit my weakness and know my vulnerabilites.......little did I realize, what was happening was that I lost the qualities that attracted her in the first place.

And well, y'all know what happened, she hooked up with someone else and divorce papers are getting signed in the next week, after 7 years together and 5 of marriage.

Well, I won't be making that mistake again. The bad boy is back. In more ways than one. And he's a LOT smarter this mothafuckin' time. This time around, I'm lookin' out for #1!

Jedi, I agree with the article. Of course there's some bitterness there. There's some here. Find me someone that got fucked over that doesn't have that. As long as you don't hold on to it, and you learn from it, then it's all good.

Dude...I can't relate to the bad boy aspect of your experience, but I can definitely tell you that the bitterness is there and hard to ignore or get past. Like, how the hell can one allow someone so deep into your life & inner thoughts/feelings/insecurities/dreams ever again after being burned & betrayed (fucked over royally) like this? I know it's something that needs to be worked past...I know this ("grow from this experience" and all that shit)..but it is what it is.

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

Also, why would being attracted to Scarlett and Megan types make him a "jerk"?

I just used those two crushes as examples...say for example either one of you ladies met a dude somewhere that you thought was hot, and he struck up a conversation with you and everything & he's "nice"...then he catches a glimpse of Megan Fox who winks back because he's hot...and leaves you mid-sentence so he can go pursue her...you're going to say "jerk". Or worse.

And I threw in "paycheck" b/c someone else included it in their post up there somewhere.

...and for the record, I'm really, really rooting for the "nice guy trumps jerk" stance that you fine ladies have been defending as I wade into the murky waters of dating at my old-ass age.

But he's a jerk for his behavior - irrespective of the relative hotness of whatever distracted him. Walking away in the middle of a conversation to talk to someone else is just rude behavior!

If someone I like ends up liking someone hotter than me, it would never occur to me to call them a jerk for that reason alone.

JustErin said:

Him finding a woman more attractive then he thinks I am would not make him a jerk. Him walking away from me (regardless of the reason why) would make him rude.

Your example was not a very good one.

Dammit!

PunkMistress said:

JustErin said:

Him finding a woman more attractive then he thinks I am would not make him a jerk. Him walking away from me (regardless of the reason why) would make him rude.

Your example was not a very good one.

Dammit!

Fine...fine...I'll go back to my corner now.

PunkMistress said:

JustErin said:

Him finding a woman more attractive then he thinks I am would not make him a jerk. Him walking away from me (regardless of the reason why) would make him rude.

Your example was not a very good one.

Dammit!

But you explained it much more eloquently than I ever could.

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

[Edited 6/29/11 18:36pm]

I can relate to some of what you "nice guys" say about finishing last..

But it's not always because you can't find the right one or no one noticed you. Sometimes, it's a choice.

Me, I've always been the good girl (see signature). I never raised my voice, I always tried to blend in, kept to myself, and so on.

I've had my share of crushes, and "loving from afar". I'd try to do what I can to kinda hint I like the man, but I"m too shy to actually tell them (and also my parents conditioned me that the man should prove that he cares. It's not just a one sided thing.) So I'm kind to them, wear something that shows myself off a bit, charming, all that crap...and they never notice.

And the ones that do don't care for all I do. They just want a free fuck. And I don't roll like that.

Frankly, I've had it. I live my life the way I see fit. I'm myself and comfortable with it. I don't hurt people, and I'm very kind...but I won't be used. I'm leaving that up to the wind and concentrating on things that I can control (somewhat). Like daily life, career, and so on.

If he happens along...fantastic. If he doesn't, eh...I'll manage.

I can be a good woman to someone if given the chance. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna go and beg for that chance.

ThruTheEyesOfWonder said:

Awwwwww

Glad the badboy's back and smarter. Btw...I always thought you were nice, and kinda dangerous. But that's just me.

For you, sugarplum:

Thank you, my darling. That's me right there, MJ in "Bad"/"Smooth Criminal" mode... but you know underneath the demeanour, he still cares.

Truth is, I don't know that I could do it again. Maybe those walls are there for a reason. I pretty much know for a fact at this point that it was that element of mystery, that danger, that enigma, those unanswered questions that drew her to me. There's a direct correlation between those things disappearing as the commitment grew stronger, and the relationship slowly breaking down over a long period of time. It's clear to me now but wasn't then. And of course, familiary breeds contempt.

So truth is, I'm gonna be very, very wary in the future. I thought being able to share your everything with someone was a beautiful thing. But now I see, in all but the rarest instances, it's probably a fatal mistake.

I actually started writing a poem about this whole theme, when my marriage fell apart. It's missing a few lines. I wrote most of it, then the perfect end lines appeared and I wrote them down, and then it was just too painful to continue, so I'm missing a few lines towards the climax of the poem. But hopefully, one day I'll be strong enough to finish it.

[Edited 6/29/11 16:13pm]

PurpleJedi said:

Is there REALLY such a thing as a NICE HOT DUDE?

oh yes!

Militant said:

ThruTheEyesOfWonder said:

Awwwwww

Glad the badboy's back and smarter. Btw...I always thought you were nice, and kinda dangerous. But that's just me.

For you, sugarplum:

Thank you, my darling. That's me right there, MJ in "Bad"/"Smooth Criminal" mode... but you know underneath the demeanour, he still cares.

PurpleJedi said:

Dude...I can't relate to the bad boy aspect of your experience, but I can definitely tell you that the bitterness is there and hard to ignore or get past. Like, how the hell can one allow someone so deep into your life & inner thoughts/feelings/insecurities/dreams ever again after being burned & betrayed (fucked over royally) like this? I know it's something that needs to be worked past...I know this ("grow from this experience" and all that shit)..but it is what it is.

Truth is, I don't know that I could do it again. Maybe those walls are there for a reason. I pretty much know for a fact at this point that it was that element of mystery, that danger, that enigma, those unanswered questions that drew her to me. There's a direct correlation between those things disappearing as the commitment grew stronger, and the relationship slowly breaking down over a long period of time. It's clear to me now but wasn't then. And of course, familiary breeds contempt.

So truth is, I'm gonna be very, very wary in the future. I thought being able to share your everything with someone was a beautiful thing. But now I see, in all but the rarest instances, it's probably a fatal mistake.

I actually started writing a poem about this whole theme, when my marriage fell apart. It's missing a few lines. I wrote most of it, then the perfect end lines appeared and I wrote them down, and then it was just too painful to continue, so I'm missing a few lines towards the climax of the poem. But hopefully, one day I'll be strong enough to finish it.

[Edited 6/29/11 16:13pm]

Excuse me if I'm wrong but wasn't your entire relationship with your ex-wife based on a very long term relationship?

JustErin said:

Excuse me if I'm wrong but wasn't your entire relationship with your ex-wife based on a very long term relationship?

Define "long term". We were involved for about 18 months before we got married.

Militant said:

JustErin said:

Excuse me if I'm wrong but wasn't your entire relationship with your ex-wife based on a very long term relationship?

Define "long term". We were involved for about 18 months before we got married.

What I meant was, during your marriage you did not only NOT live together but you lived in different countries...?

Or maybe I'm mixing you up with someone else, sorry.

JustErin said:

Militant said:

Define "long term". We were involved for about 18 months before we got married.

What I meant was, during your marriage you did not only NOT live together but you lived in different countries...?

Or maybe I'm mixing you up with someone else, sorry.

No, you're thinking of me.

Well... parts of it. We lived together for over 2 years in one stretch, in the middle of the marriage.

In another part of it, we were together for 7 months. Another time was for 3 months. And for the rest of it, we'd go back and forth visiting each other for 4-6 weeks at a time, every few months.

Anyway, I've heard all the theories, different people have different opinions on long distance stuff, but there was a long period of time where it did work, so to me, that's not relevant to the dissipation of the relationship. 7 year itch can happen to anyone regardless of circumstance. Not that I'm saying that's defo what it was. She also turned 25 last year and THAT changes a lot of women, fact! Freaks a lot of em out. My sister just turned 25 recently and she's had the same damn conversation with me about her relationship of 5 years, and how turning 25 meant she had to re-evaluate everything with regards to marriage, kids, commitment, etc.

So there's all manner of things and probably my own situation has pieces of ALL of them. I'm not sweatin' it anymore, just moving the fuck on.

[Edited 6/29/11 16:54pm]

Militant said:

I let down all my walls, all my guards...... and I allowed her to exploit my weakness and know my vulnerabilites.......little did I realize, what was happening was that I lost the qualities that attracted her in the first place.

Well, I won't be making that mistake again. The bad boy is back. In more ways than one. And he's a LOT smarter this mothafuckin' time. This time around, I'm lookin' out for #1!

Cat.... long time my dude. How've you been?

I agree with what you're saying. I think my own insecurities led me from one extreme to another, to be honest. I'm still feeling burned right now, but getting better. I'll find the right balance eventually.

Hi Mili, yeah i still come on the two boards but i hardly ever post.

Am doing alright apart from being burnt my self by a woman who left to be with her ex, this is the first time i had someone cheat on me, but i don’t feel bad about losing her, just trusting her was foolish, but i will not let that bitter me. In the past i let my experience with my father’s adultery affect my judgment of relationships for many years and am finally at the stage where i feel the best i ever been.

You can definitely use this music to indulge into your writing and music, am sure you know how much this experience will bring out the inspirations out of you, plus you being a musician you will be exposed to many people., Just don’t let this Bad Boy idea take you down, because hurting someone intentionally will eventually come back to haunt us.