I love sci-fi/fantasy!

I still feel too distant from the characters. I don't feel like I know the 7 gods or what motivates them, besides power obviously. It is a good summary, but there is so much more detail that can be written in to help the reader identify with them. I want to see my values, desires, motivations resonate in the people I read about, even when they aren't always good. You have to turn these into real people (or gods) so we feel like we know them.

Keep it up!

CallMeCarrie said:

I love sci-fi/fantasy!

I still feel too distant from the characters. I don't feel like I know the 7 gods or what motivates them, besides power obviously. It is a good summary, but there is so much more detail that can be written in to help the reader identify with them. I want to see my values, desires, motivations resonate in the people I read about, even when they aren't always good. You have to turn these into real people (or gods) so we feel like we know them.

Keep it up!

Definitely needs more detail...that detail is all in my head! Once I finish this outline I plan to have someone help me get all that detail out. My idea for this section (as it is really just a "prequel" to the actual story) is a 7 volume set, each volume named after one of the 7 Gods with book 7 being Hundal's book. Each book will get us closer to the final destruction...where Hundal and Asannah are all that's left. The rebirth of the flesh (and yes, there are other Prince references later ) begins my actual story.

Question...could you tell the rape of Asannah coincided with the war?

StonedImmaculate said:

CallMeCarrie said:

I love sci-fi/fantasy!

I still feel too distant from the characters. I don't feel like I know the 7 gods or what motivates them, besides power obviously. It is a good summary, but there is so much more detail that can be written in to help the reader identify with them. I want to see my values, desires, motivations resonate in the people I read about, even when they aren't always good. You have to turn these into real people (or gods) so we feel like we know them.

Keep it up!

Definitely needs more detail...that detail is all in my head! Once I finish this outline I plan to have someone help me get all that detail out. My idea for this section (as it is really just a "prequel" to the actual story) is a 7 volume set, each volume named after one of the 7 Gods with book 7 being Hundal's book. Each book will get us closer to the final destruction...where Hundal and Asannah are all that's left. The rebirth of the flesh (and yes, there are other Prince references later ) begins my actual story.

Question...could you tell the rape of Asannah coincided with the war?

some character dialogue would nice, maybe like a deep saying that represents the meaning of the story .

and i kinda feel like your giving me to much all at once ..if that makes since

its like " bam! this happening.. Bam! this happening.. Bam! this happening .. when i read it .

or better yet around bite the crusty edges of the story and hold out for the big bite into the middle ( sorry if they doesnt make sense im a terrible at explaining )

[Edited 5/13/11 15:32pm]

StonedImmaculate said:

CallMeCarrie said:

I love sci-fi/fantasy!

I still feel too distant from the characters. I don't feel like I know the 7 gods or what motivates them, besides power obviously. It is a good summary, but there is so much more detail that can be written in to help the reader identify with them. I want to see my values, desires, motivations resonate in the people I read about, even when they aren't always good. You have to turn these into real people (or gods) so we feel like we know them.

Keep it up!

Definitely needs more detail...that detail is all in my head! Once I finish this outline I plan to have someone help me get all that detail out. My idea for this section (as it is really just a "prequel" to the actual story) is a 7 volume set, each volume named after one of the 7 Gods with book 7 being Hundal's book. Each book will get us closer to the final destruction...where Hundal and Asannah are all that's left. The rebirth of the flesh (and yes, there are other Prince references later ) begins my actual story.

Question...could you tell the rape of Asannah coincided with the war?

I had to go back and re-read to catch that the war happened during the rape.

Wow! That will be exciting to follow each of the characters in his/her own book. Do you already know what their personalities will be like? AND you have Prince references?!? YAY!!

CallMeCarrie said:

StonedImmaculate said:

Definitely needs more detail...that detail is all in my head! Once I finish this outline I plan to have someone help me get all that detail out. My idea for this section (as it is really just a "prequel" to the actual story) is a 7 volume set, each volume named after one of the 7 Gods with book 7 being Hundal's book. Each book will get us closer to the final destruction...where Hundal and Asannah are all that's left. The rebirth of the flesh (and yes, there are other Prince references later ) begins my actual story.

Question...could you tell the rape of Asannah coincided with the war?

I had to go back and re-read to catch that the war happened during the rape.

Wow! That will be exciting to follow each of the characters in his/her own book. Do you already know what their personalities will be like? AND you have Prince references?!? YAY!!

Here's one:

The Pilgrims remained with Azadeh for two years in what would come to be known as Hundalaseliah, the Holy City.

"Hundalaseliah" (named after Hundal) is what the destroyed disputed lands become years later in the story.

That fool cant sue me for that...can he?

I always wondered what P was saying....hundalaseliah! I love it!!

It's meteorologically and geographically challenged.

Too many too long sentences.

Too passive.

[Edited 5/16/11 18:42pm]

StonedImmaculate said:

CallMeCarrie said:

I love sci-fi/fantasy!

I still feel too distant from the characters. I don't feel like I know the 7 gods or what motivates them, besides power obviously. It is a good summary, but there is so much more detail that can be written in to help the reader identify with them. I want to see my values, desires, motivations resonate in the people I read about, even when they aren't always good. You have to turn these into real people (or gods) so we feel like we know them.

Keep it up!

Definitely needs more detail...that detail is all in my head! Once I finish this outline I plan to have someone help me get all that detail out. My idea for this section (as it is really just a "prequel" to the actual story) is a 7 volume set, each volume named after one of the 7 Gods with book 7 being Hundal's book. Each book will get us closer to the final destruction...where Hundal and Asannah are all that's left. The rebirth of the flesh (and yes, there are other Prince references later ) begins my actual story.

Question...could you tell the rape of Asannah coincided with the war?

No, but you said as much.

"For hours he violated her, his angry groans and grunts of lust echoing through the cosmos, crashing down onto the seventh continent with devastating effect."

You don't someone to help you get all the detail out.

You just want to dictate it.

I think you'd do better slogging through writing it out. (I am one to talk!)

As you write the detail opens up in front of you. You will miss less too because as a reader, you will know what you are looking for, what you want to know.

SUPRMAN said:

It's meteorologically and geographically challenged.

Too many too long sentences.

Too passive.

[Edited 5/16/11 18:42pm]

I appreciate all feedback, both negative and positive.

Meteorlogically and geographically challenged? Too passive? Please elaborate if you can.

StonedImmaculate said:

SUPRMAN said:

It's meteorologically and geographically challenged.

Too many too long sentences.

Too passive.

[Edited 5/16/11 18:42pm]

I appreciate all feedback, both negative and positive.

Meteorlogically and geographically challenged? Too passive? Please elaborate if you can.

Why did I know that was coming . . . ?

Meteorologically challenged:

"ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for"

but then you state:

"This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere"

It didn't appear from nowhere. It came over the horizon.

Geographically challenged:

"a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path."

then you say:

" the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands."

So is the size of the disputed lands the same size as the battlefield? If so, who would bother fighting over it? Is the acid rain confined to the area inside the circle of flame? What destroyed all the life in the disputed lands?

Forgot one:

Too passive.

You have no interest in the battle, although your description sounds like you want to say something. You need a character to have been in this battle. Someone with a stake in what happened. If it's a historical footnote we need a different description of the battle. If it's key to what happens after, then you may need to spend pages on the battle. That's the story you're telling. Don't cheat us, give us a good one.

Let me put it this way, if you wouldn't read it, don't think anyone else wil want to either.

[Edited 5/16/11 19:22pm]

^^^

Gotcha.

Of course the storm came over the horizon, but what I mean by "came from nowhere" is that there was no sign of bad weather...it was like someone snapped there fingers and the clouds came.

I could say "it was a bright sunny day...blah blah blah" but remember...this is just a brief synopsis of the history...this is not the story Im telling. The battle is important and all of those other details (a character in the battle, the size of the disputed lands, etc) will come later.

I wrote it out the way I did as practice, seeing as this is my first attempt at actually writing something.

Thanks again for the honest feedback.

StonedImmaculate said:

^^^

Gotcha.

Of course the storm came over the horizon, but what I mean by "came from nowhere" is that there was no sign of bad weather...it was like someone snapped there fingers and the clouds came.

I could say "it was a bright sunny day...blah blah blah" but remember...this is just a brief synopsis of the history...this is not the story Im telling. The battle is important and all of those other details (a character in the battle, the size of the disputed lands, etc) will come later.

I wrote it out the way I did as practice, seeing as this is my first attempt at actually writing something.

Thanks again for the honest feedback.

You did say that.

"ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon"

Presumably, even though there was a war, it was a bright sunny day disturbed only by the dark clouds appearing on the horizon.

I just think you're rushing, racing from idea to idea before you forget it. If that's the case, then you want to do an actual outline format to capture it and structure it. Writing it will real easy then as you just fill in from point to point.

If your characters do what they do, you may have to alter your outline.