Feedback please...

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.

not enough sex.

The words hindsight and war in the first sentence. Sounds like a history lesson to me son. YUCK!

its intense and gloomy.... but i guess that's the scene it depicts

cant there b singing birds in the distance or something???? Like contrast

Thank you.

MORE PLEASE!!!!

StonedImmaculate said:

Feedback please...

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.... except for the mating call of a female humming bird

see that's better.... it adds depth and an illusion of real silence

^^^

Everything living was wiped out!

Dont worry...the birds come back later.

StonedImmaculate said:

Feedback please...

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until ,finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.

Added comma. There, perfect!

weird Black Friday 13th double post

[Edited 5/12/11 22:43pm]

physco185 said:

StonedImmaculate said:

^^^

Everything living was wiped out!

Dont worry...the birds come back later.

yes but those r vultures!!!!

i'm not impressed anymore

Okay...let me try this...

DOES IT SUCK?

Needs more math.

What?

Why is this so hard?

StonedImmaculate said:

Okay...let me try this...

DOES IT SUCK?

Do you think it sucks? I don't, but I don't know what the hell it is supposed to be, either What is this from? What is the context?

If it sucks it's only because it's maybe a little over-written. But it's written very well.

It reads like a school essay, and for that it's perfect. For reading for pleasure it's maybe a little much.

StonedImmaculate said:

What?

Why is this so hard?

2 b honest i think it should b 2 paragraphs

both with birds

NDRU said:

StonedImmaculate said:

Okay...let me try this...

DOES IT SUCK?

Do you think it sucks? I don't, but I don't know what the hell it is supposed to be, either What is this from? What is the context?

If it sucks it's only because it's maybe a little over-written. But it's written very well.

It reads like a school essay, and for that it's perfect. For reading for pleasure it's maybe a little much.

Thank you...exactly what I was looking for.

It's a piece of a story treatment...basically an outline Im writing. But what you said about it reading like an essay is exactly what Im going for with the treatment.

Over written...that's what I feared.

I got up in a good mood this morning, now after reading it Im depressed

Very good though

NDRU said:

StonedImmaculate said:

Okay...let me try this...

DOES IT SUCK?

Do you think it sucks? I don't, but I don't know what the hell it is supposed to be, either What is this from? What is the context?

If it sucks it's only because it's maybe a little over-written. But it's written very well.

It reads like a school essay, and for that it's perfect. For reading for pleasure it's maybe a little much.

Co-sign. It's very well written, very descriptive and emotive, but a whole novel written that way would be wearing.

NDRU said:

StonedImmaculate said:

Feedback please...

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes, their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for for which they fought, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until ,finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling, hot, acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.

Added comma. There, perfect!

Grammatically, it needs way more than one comma! There are commas missing throughout (imo). (Disclaimer, I'm a big fan of the comma.) Stylistically, it seems a little over the top with the adjectives and adverbs.

StonedImmaculate said:

Feedback please...

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.

I am finding some issues with flow. For example the first sentence is speaking from a recent time period when the war is considered in hindsight (so the war is over). In the 2nd sentence the battle began and within an hour all the dead. The 3rd sentence says that the clouds soon appeared, which I assume they appear soon after the war began? soon after the 1st hour when all were dead? soon after when you considering it in hindsight? But then the thunder is shaking the ground at that time so it must be while they are fighting...?

It's these kind of examples that make it difficult for the reader to know when you are telling the story. Is it someone talking about it as something that already happened in the past or is someone telling it as it happened. I think you need to decide which.

It is also my opinion that there are places where you could do a better job describing the scene/moment for the reader instead of just giving us the conclusion that you came to. I think this might go back to my first statement where I am unsure of the point of view in which this was written. For example, mid paragraph - together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death... Who is it that thinks it is terrifying? You are telling me how to feel, instead of using a description of death and destruction, and letting me choose to be terrified by it. But if this excerpt are the thoughts/feelings of a specific character in your story and he is telling us that he is terrified, then it would work better - but based on this excerpt it is my impression that this is not written in 1st person. You actually do a pretty good job with describing the scene in some places - Suddennly as if perfectly aimed from the heavens... that sentence is great! I can see that happening as I read it. Try to do that more often where you describe what you see/hear/smell instead of just saying that "Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh," tell us what that sounds like and let the reader determine that it is indeed horrific.

I think you did a great job conceptually! I see an exciting battle unfolding and I want to know more about who is involved in the battle and why. I think if you first clean up who is telling the story (point of view) and when is it being told (as it happens or in retrospect), then you can start looking at places where you can better describe the scene instead of just saying that it is terrifying/hellacious/horrific/etc.

And as a final thought about describing war and carnage such as you have - get rid of your brainy words! War is when man is at his most primal moment fighting for survival, especially with the scene you've described. In that moment your characters aren't going to think of the dark clouds as ominous, or the storm as malevolent, or the lightning as a barrage. Even if you aren't writing in 1st person, using those more intellectual words, kind of takes the reader out of the moment. And readers want to be in moment with the story.

Emotionally I love what you've written. I love a good action story!! Thank you for sharing

jone70 said:

NDRU said:

Added comma. There, perfect!

Grammatically, it needs way more than one comma! There are commas missing throughout (imo). (Disclaimer, I'm a big fan of the comma.) Stylistically, it seems a little over the top with the adjectives and adverbs.

yes I agree. I would add a few more commas and remove a few words

things like "dark ominous clouds" and "rolling roar of thunder" could be simplified

but then "was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen" seems a little weak in comparison to the rest.

It's a dense paragraph and you could geek out on it a lot. But I am a fan of fewer words & shorter paragraphs (especially on the internet!)

lack of the word "potatoe"?

i don't like to read.

it looked a lil windy for me.

but if it were in the front of the

king jame version of the holy bible

it would be perfectly acceptable...

It needs to be read aloud by Jack Black in Tenacious D.

It's too long. The word usage is very clunky. (It reads like you're adding adjectives to pad your word count.) And the punctuation (as noted by others) leaves a lot to be desired.

mcmeekle said:

More cowbell!

classic

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Grammatical errors and being overwritten is exactly what I feared was the problem.

What this is is...I decided to write a book. Came up with the story and all, then realized I had no idea how the thing began. So I started to make a history of this universe and it just took off from there. I have a lot more written and realized that I have a series of books that I could possibly make out of this. It's detailed at times, vague at others. It's sci-fi mixed with mythology mixed with religion. (Frank Herbert is my hero!)

The longwinded style I use is really just practice. I know it's rough an clunky at times but again...just practicing. I hope to eventually turn the treatment over to someone who can take the story and help me flesh it out into actual novels. But I know I've got a long way to go. Right now the treatment sits at 62 pages.

I cant believe Im going to do this (no one has read this other than my wife) but I'll give you the rest...well, everything leading up to the battle you just read about.

Kinda long but...feedback please...

“There exists no separation between gods and men; one blends softly casual into the other.”

Frank Herbert

The ninth universe of the Seven Gods has come to a sudden and violent end, the heavens wiped clean with an apocalyptic fury. Of the hundreds of planets that once existed within their universe only one survived: the planet Angelica, now a burnt and barren wasteland. And in all the endless emptiness that now surrounds this crimson Angelica? Only two celestial beings remain alive: Hundal, the God of Time and Space, and his wife, the Divine Mother, the Most Magnificent Lady Asannah. Now these two were actually the architects of the apocalypse; the once bold but now guilt-ridden butchers of billions, and what follows is the story of the lasting civilization they conspired to spawn. But first, the end and the beginning; just how this vast universe was reduced to two lonely beings and the planet named after their dead daughter. Our story begins…

…IN THE DAYS OF SHIVA

For endless eons the Seven Gods of Shiva had played a macabre game of chess using the various civilizations they spawned as their knights and bishops. Each God molded his creations into intellectual giants, sending them out into the universe to colonize the cosmos and intermingle with those spawned by the other Gods. All Seven Shiva patiently waited for their offspring to settle into a peaceful coexistence before beginning their deadly game; they then wiped out billions, unleashing famines and plagues as they brutally tested the mettle of their creations. Soon the Gods were pitting their civilizations against each other as they turned their attention from hunger and sickness to social upheaval and intergalactic war, mesmerized by how destructive their creations could be with just the slightest provocation. Never did the Gods grow tired of this gruesome spectacle; they watched with morbid glee as the mayhem they provoked led mankind to destroy itself numerous times.

The eons of victories and defeats between their constantly warring civilizations led to envy and spite among the Seven Gods, prompting them to stage an all or nothing conflict far beyond anything they had attempted before. Absolute destruction was the goal, the rules simple: once a God’s civilization was completely wiped out, then he would be destroyed as well. Knowing that their very existence was at stake, the Seven Gods held nothing back as they hurled their armies at each other in a century long struggle for mastery of the universe. Entire planetary populations were destroyed, either poisoned by the Gods or annihilated by the weapons of man. The death toll was absurd and after over a hundred years of this senseless bloodshed, Hundal, the God of Time and Space, had finally had enough.

Actually it was the Lady Asannah (the Divine-Human offspring of Luminal, the Shiva God of Light) who convinced her husband to end the slaughter once and for all. She continuously reminded Hundal that he was the God of Gods, creator of all living things both Divine and human; he alone possessed the power to simply blink and wipe out all of mankind, as well as the Gods and all of their planets. Since he was well aware that his creations seemed to possess only the desire and power to cause incalculable destruction, Asannah claimed that it was in fact Hundal’s responsibility to destroy the universe completely and start over again. She argued that he could easily create a new, lasting civilization…a civilization to be led by their daughter Angelica with no interference from them or the eradicated Gods. As persuasive as she was, Hundal initially resisted his wife’s instigation…but after years of prodding he finally agreed with Asannah and prepared for the massacre, intending to spare only his wife and daughter. He revealed his intentions to Angelica and was stunned by her reaction; though Hundal’s motives were true, his daughter refused to abandon her children. (**Note: The Seven Gods of Shiva existed primarily in spiritual form but their Divine-Human offspring often lived among the people as instigators and spies, double-agents serving their Gods. Hundal instead groomed his daughter to serve as a holy guide and mentor to his creations, to be revered as a Goddess.)

Ignoring his daughter’s reservations, Hundal unleashed his fury. All people, Gods, and planets were quickly reduced to cosmic dust, scattered to the celestial winds. In those final moments Hundal found Angelica on Angelica, ironically leading her followers in prayer as the end of their world approached. He arrived with only seconds to spare, swooping down to save his daughter from a fiery death. But just as he reached her, Angelica wrenched herself free from Hundal’s grasp. She dove to her doom and was engulfed in apocalyptic flame, fulfilling her vow to share the fate of her children. A faint trace of his daughter momentarily remained and a horrified Hundal made a last ditch effort to save the planet Angelica, but it was too late. What was once a lush, green paradise was now a scorched ball of crimson, alone and desolate in an infinite sea of blackness, the only survivor of Hundal’s universal apocalypse.

Eons of death and destruction were brought to a merciful end with the unleashing of Hundal’s Fury. But as the only remaining God cried in vain for his daughter, the eternal silence that greeted him was deafening.

ANASTASIA

Hundreds of years slowly passed as Hundal and the Lady Asannah endured their barren universe in silent anguish, mourning the loss of their beloved daughter. Though they kept their true feelings to themselves a deep bitterness developed between them; Hundal silently blaming his wife for convincing him to destroy the universe, she blaming him for not securing their daughter’s safety before wiping the cosmos clean. Eventually their bitterness towards each other began to fade, seemingly replaced by an eagerness to set things right. After much debate, Hundal decided to go ahead with his plans for a new civilization. Asannah was thrilled and eager to deliver a new goddess to guide his creations…but Hundal refused for he had no intention of replacing Angelica and looked at their loss as all the more reason not to interfere in any way. Hundal’s word was final and though she outwardly accepted his decision, the Divine Mother secretly and desperately longed for another daughter.

Hundal created a new universe, smaller (though still vast) and more complex than any he had created before. Isolated in the center of it all was the crimson Angelica, a constant reminder of his past failure. And in that same isolated region Hundal created a massive planet to house his new civilization, a planet that he named Anastasia. (**Note: Also referred to as the Holy Planet.) Anastasia dwarfed the crimson Angelica and there Hundal placed seven continents surrounded by sea. Four races of people were created, separated and placed on four of the seven continents leaving three uninhabited. The races were created and named in the following order: Aquarian, Gemini, Xevod, and Melleon. With the rebirth of the flesh complete Hundal and the Lady Asannah now sat back and observed, eager for the day when this new mankind would stretch throughout the universe.

Without the Gods interference thousands of years passed before the races even came close to achieving the level necessary to ascend into the universe. The painstakingly slow process led Hundal and the Lady Asannah to revisit their plan, debating whether or not to interfere and help the races along the way. Hundal still refused to deliver a new goddess, but he agreed that something must be done and began to lay subtle hints to help speed up the process. Soon the races expanded beyond their individual continents, curiously leaving their lands in the same order of their creation. Over the next three hundred years they settled two of the remaining three continents and for the first time were forced to share land. Though they continued to live in segregated cities the races quickly became connected to each other through trade, commerce, and friendship. After some initial growing pains they lived for the most part in peace, though there were moments of envy and fear, tension and violence. The years dragged on and Hundal’s frustrations mounted as the races still made no strides towards the stars. It was then that the Lady Asannah began to argue in earnest for the delivery of a new goddess.

Hundal finally had enough of his wife’s instigating. The bitterness he felt for her consumed him as he passionately bore his soul to her, blaming her for the loss of Angelica and accusing her of now selfishly trying to replace their beloved daughter. Asannah staunchly defended herself against his accusations; her arguments were well thought out, strong and thorough. Though she did admit to longing for another daughter, the Divine Mother argued that it was impossible for the four races to achieve their ascendancy without a Divine Messenger to guide them. It was therefore vital, if not necessary, for her to deliver a new goddess. Asannah’s calm confidence was maddening to Hundal and she was easily able to convince him to see things from her perspective. But even though he finally agreed about the necessity of a Divine Messenger, Hundal knew that he was being manipulated by his wife and his bitterness towards her burned deep in his heart.

As the races began to settle the seventh continent, several near violent incidents occurred between them. One particular land dispute led the Melleon and Xevod to the brink of war, sending Hundal into a rage as he decreed to his wife that it was time to deliver the new goddess. The Divine Mother enthusiastically agreed but her excitement was short-lived; as she received her husband, Hundal chose this moment to punish his wife for her many and obvious manipulations. Asannah’s seductive smile disappeared as Hundal cursed her in the language of the Gods. He then pinned her down, forcing himself on her as she cried out in pain. For hours he violated her, his angry groans and grunts of lust echoing through the cosmos, crashing down onto the seventh continent with devastating effect. So brutal and aggressive was Hundal that it took all of Asannah’s concentration and strength to simply survive his sexual assault, somehow protecting her fragile womb. When it was over he left her in tears, pregnant and quivering in pain.

After recovering from her horrifying experience the Lady Asannah was delighted to be pregnant with a new daughter…and she silently vowed that Hundal would feel the repercussions of his violent act for all eternity.

…AND THE GODS MADE LOVE

The Melleon and Xevod had reached the brink of war as a dispute over the rights to expansion lands had led to a violent uprising and the deaths of over a hundred souls. Both the Aquarians and Gemini intervened in the hope of restoring peace but the aggressive Melleon refused to be persuaded, demanding the rights to the entire area in question and the delivery of seventy-seven souls to replace the ones they lost in the uprising. The Xevod countered with an offer to equally divide the disputed lands between them, an offer everyone agreed was fair and reasonable…everyone except the Melleon who were convinced that they were within their rights and refused to budge from their position. Aware of this stubborn stance, the Aquarians begged the Xevod to comply with the Melleon wishes going so far as to offer some of their newly acquired expansion lands to replace those that the Xevod would forfeit. The Xevod refused on principle alone and war was officially declared by the Melleon.

In hindsight, it cannot be considered a war. Yes their battle began and was fierce beyond what anyone had ever seen; within an hour over two thousand were dead. But ominous dark clouds soon appeared on the horizon accompanied by a rolling roar of thunder that shook the very ground they fought for, merging with the cacophony of war to drown out the cries of the wounded. This malevolent storm seemed to appear from nowhere causing confusion and fear to spread among the combatants, but not enough to bring pause to the bloodletting. Suddenly, as if perfectly aimed from the heavens above, a barrage of lightning destroyed entire platoons of soldiers—burning them to a charcoal crisp and setting the landscape ablaze. These devastating strikes continued intermittently as the survivors of the heavenly assault foolishly and doggedly fought on. Together with the elements they wove a terrifying web of death and destruction, their battlefield lit only by flames and lightning, a strobe-like effect to frame their portrait of violence. For hours this carnage continued until finally, chaos ensued. What little order there was vanished in a flash as the surviving soldiers tried to regroup, stumbling over their weapons, foes, and fallen comrades. Their panic quickly turned to dread as countless streaks of fire fell from the sky; a massive wall of flame was formed, surrounding and trapping the belligerents within its hellacious inferno. There they stood as the rain began to fall, a sizzling hot acidic rain that devoured everything in its path. Soon the horrific sounds of disintegrating flesh and the terrified shrieks and screams of dying men fell silent as there was no life left in the so-called disputed lands.

BlackAdder7 said:

not enough sex.

im no writting expert , so i dont feel like i should comment

maybe you should find a website that caters to proof reading