This is NOT for the faint of heart because NOT being forgiven when we're truely sorry for something can cast a long and dark shadow over us that could last the rest of our lives....

When "I'm Sorry" Is Not Enough

There are some wrongs that can never be made right. Some things from the past can never be made good again. No amount of “I’m sorry’s” or “Please forgive me’s” will make a bit of difference. They almost seem to make everything worse.

When the hateful words have been said, when the trust has been broken, there might not ever be a way of making it better. Some people just don’t care about you anymore. Some people write you out of their lives and gladly never look back. Some simply choose not to forgive, not wanting to let the person “off the hook”. And some just don’t have to capacity to let go of the pain.

Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. People have the right to hold on to the hurt as long as they choose. Most of us have done some terrible things and forgiveness is just not an option for those we’ve hurt.

When we, as the “wrongdoers” are not granted restitution for our mistakes, we have to accept this. If we’ve been honest with our part in the errors we’ve made, asked humbly for forgiveness and offered to do whatever we can to make it better, we’ve done all we can do. If our loved one cannot or will not accept our request, we can go no further. We’re drunks, not Superheroes.

The pain of not being forgiven cuts deep, sometimes much deeper than the original reason such forgiveness is sought. Maybe that’s the motive for our loved ones not to forgive us. Maybe they want us to hurt for as long as possible. They want to dig in the spurs for the rest of our lives to get back at us for the mess we’ve put them through. Maybe the love and trust is gone forever and the relationship is damaged beyond repair. This continued pain for past wrongs hurts just as it is intended to. It's our turn to see how it feels.

In recovery, we grow hearts; we feel everything. We no longer run from the pain or numb our spirits from consequences. But we also grow backbones. We no longer crawl before anyone, even those we love dearly that we so desperately want to mend fences with but will not allow it.

When the wreckage from our past stares us in the face and no restitution is granted, it’s over. There’s absolutely nothing more we can do. Going back and re-writing the past is impossible.

Our responsibility now is to ourselves and our fellows. We put one foot in front of the other, hold our head high with the knowledge we would never do those things again, and be the best person to ourselves and to others that we can, for one day at a time.

Lack of forgiveness does not mean defeat. It is not an excuse to wallow in more self pity. It is a chance to humble ourselves to the fact that we have been hurtful beings and to own our part of that. Then all we can do is move forward, learn from it and let go.

Posted by Jenny

http://jenny-defx.blogspo...nough.html

What do you think of this article and PAINFUL, PAINFUL subject?

"...because NOT being forgiven when we're truely sorry for something can cast a long and dark shadow over us that could last the rest of our lives..."

..as does the pain you caused in the first place. When that pains ends, forgiveness will be granted. Until then, you can never truly know the hurt that you've caused and, God willing, never will. The pain you feel now is only a mere fraction of the hurt you've caused. I wish that pain upon no one, not even you.

Eh, if someone doesn't forgive me, I just say 'fuck it' and move on.

CuddlyBear said:

"...because NOT being forgiven when we're truely sorry for something can cast a long and dark shadow over us that could last the rest of our lives..."

..as does the pain you caused in the first place. When that pains ends, forgiveness will be granted. Until then, you can never truly know the hurt that you've caused and, God willing, never will. The pain you feel now is only a mere fraction of the hurt you've caused. I wish that pain upon no one, not even you.

No, NO! And thank GOD NO! I ran across this article (I hope you read it before responding) and thought it was very interesting although negative. Since everyone at one point or another has done something that we have learned to regrette, it's something that's actually universal unless you are a sociopath or psychopath--monsters who have made themselves incabable of remorse.

But nobody is completely free in this area because we're all imperfect. Rather a person is aware of it or not we have all injured others and have had others injure us. Otherwise life would be perfect...

[Edited 6/5/11 19:30pm]

[Edited 6/5/11 19:34pm]

Alej said:

Eh, if someone doesn't forgive me, I just say 'fuck it' and move on.

When you have done everything that you can and should to retify a wrong, YES! Because at that point there's nothing more you can do...

[Edited 6/5/11 19:38pm]

No one is obliged to forgive, but I've found -- almost invariably -- that those who don't as a matter of course cling to their grudges out of a sense of ultimate powerlessness. Never forgetting is one thing; it prepares one for the future. But never forgiving is a grasping for retroactive control over a slight that has already happened. And, to the extent the violator is beholden to them, it's the simplest route to chastising or avenging the wrongdoing.

The violated will navigate through all this as they see fit. So be it. To the violator, I'd say their duty, if they seek forgiveness, is to be contrite -- in a genuinely articulated apology and, then, perpetual corrected action. Beyond that, however, one would be best to gradually ween oneself of utter regret, expectation and, where necessary, the need for the other party's absolution to feel whole again. We shouldn't be lost to our own responsibility in harming others, but both parties, I think, have a certain degree of agency in whether they allow themselves to perpetually wallow in that harm. And there's no reason to do that.

[Edited 6/5/11 19:40pm]

PanicAttack said:

Alej said:

Eh, if someone doesn't forgive me, I just say 'fuck it' and move on.

When you have done everything that you can to retify a wrong, YES!

Even if I haven't

If someone doesn't want to forgive you, they have the right to do so.

I don't beg.

Lammastide said:

No one is obliged to forgive, but I've found -- almost invariably -- that those who don't as a matter of course cling to their grudges out of a sense of ultimate powerlessness. Never forgetting is one thing; it prepares one for the future. But never forgiving is a grasping for retroactive control over a slight that has already happened. And, to the extent the violator is beholden to them, it's the simplest route to chastising or avenging the wrongdoing.

The violated will navigate through all this as they see fit. So be it. To the violator, I'd say their duty, if they seek forgiveness, is to be contrite -- in a genuinely articulated apology and, then, perpetual corrected action. Beyond that, however, one would be best to gradually ween oneself of utter regret, expectation and, where necessary, the need for the other party's absolution to feel whole again. We shouldn't be lost to our own responsibility in harming others, but both parties, I think, have a certain degree of agency in whether they allow themselves to perpetually wallow in that harm. And there's no reason to do that.

[Edited 6/5/11 19:40pm]

You've made some VERY strong and valid POINTS!

[Edited 6/5/11 19:52pm]

Alej said:

PanicAttack said:

When you have done everything that you can to retify a wrong, YES!

Even if I haven't

If someone doesn't want to forgive you, they have the right to do so.

I don't beg.

I'm not trying to challenge you, but this is an honest question: How do you feel about making APPOLOGIES? Because sometimes they are actually due to people and it take GREAT HUMILITY to do so....It requires that we own up to a short-coming or a wrong as well as acknowledging any pain that we've caused...

[Edited 6/5/11 19:50pm]

Lammastide said:

never forgiving is a grasping for retroactive control over a slight that has already happened.

I like the way you put this!

CuddlyBear said:

"...because NOT being forgiven when we're truely sorry for something can cast a long and dark shadow over us that could last the rest of our lives..."

..as does the pain you caused in the first place. When that pains ends, forgiveness will be granted. Until then, you can never truly know the hurt that you've caused and, God willing, never will. The pain you feel now is only a mere fraction of the hurt you've caused. I wish that pain upon no one, not even you.

WaterInYourBath said:

CuddlyBear said:

"...because NOT being forgiven when we're truely sorry for something can cast a long and dark shadow over us that could last the rest of our lives..."

..as does the pain you caused in the first place. When that pains ends, forgiveness will be granted. Until then, you can never truly know the hurt that you've caused and, God willing, never will. The pain you feel now is only a mere fraction of the hurt you've caused. I wish that pain upon no one, not even you.

Please READ my response to CuddlyBear's comment carefully. Not sure if he read or understood my original posting. I'm NOT grieving over some ASSUMED wrongdoing which it appears to be what CuddlyBear's comments are based upon. MY SITUATION IS ACTUALLY THE OTHER WAY AROUND:HAVING PEOPLE MALICIOUSLY INJURE YOU WITHOUT REASON OR REMORSE!

[Edited 6/5/11 20:32pm]

there r things that some ppl do to others that can never be forgiven.... ever

it is because these things have affected a persons entire life, and this person needs to deal with the emotional scaring on a daily basis....and simple things that occur may easily trigger a hurtful memory.......

murder

rape

molestation

physical abuse

drugs or drink driving that causes death or serious injury

etc etc etc

but some silly petty things that ppl hang on to... r just stupid, and if forgiveness is not given well its not worth worrying about

this is something i have learnt from a very young age

to have the perception that one

has been forgiven by a loving god

stops such pains in their tracks...

ie.

"if god forgives me, who am i

that i cannot forgive myself?"

and that's enough for me

ZombieKitten said:

Lammastide said:

never forgiving is a grasping for retroactive control over a slight that has already happened.

I like the way you put this!

I once was thought to be a woman by 1 certain orger (who shall remain nameless) and I can't shake that from my mind! (Although, I'm probably the ORG's other fancy lesbian )

sp edit

[Edited 6/5/11 23:31pm]

kewlschool said:

ZombieKitten said:

I like the way you put this!

I once was thought to be a woman by 1 certain orger (who shall remain nameless) and I can't shake that from my mind! (Although, I'm probably the ORG's other fancy lesbian )

it's unforgivable you aren't one do you mean?

to err is human, to forgive is divine

sometimes it takes a bigger person to forgive

holding onto a grudge or slight just eats at you as a person - and funny enough people sense this.

I have never not been forgiven... I try and live my life and treat others so that I would never hurt someone so much as to warrant being totally cut off..

As for have I been one to never forgive... I once didnt talk to my sister for 2 years SHe was not a good person at that time and did some shitty things to the family, I let her find her way, she called me up one day and didnt have to ASK to be forgiven, she just knew she was...

Other than that, I dont think I could forgive my husband if he cheated on me... That would be the ultimate betrayal of my trust of which I give him 100% of my heart and soul, and if he were to dimiss that just for some booty I would be crushed... And SOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed!

I have asked for forgiveness before and it wasn't accepted.

I can't say that it was for something life-altering or devastating.

But regardless I was wrong and I lost a friend over it.

Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone also has the opportunity

during every moment of every day to be the kind of person that they

are proud of.

So while I couldn't force my friend to forgive me, I can choose to

forgive myself by not repeating my same mistakes. And I'm good

with that!

CallMeCarrie said:

I have asked for forgiveness before and it wasn't accepted.

I can't say that it was for something life-altering or devastating.

But regardless I was wrong and I lost a friend over it.

Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone also has the opportunity

during every moment of every day to be the kind of person that they

are proud of.

So while I couldn't force my friend to forgive me, I can choose to

forgive myself by not repeating my same mistakes. And I'm good

with that!

I love that!

tinaz said:

CallMeCarrie said:

I have asked for forgiveness before and it wasn't accepted.

I can't say that it was for something life-altering or devastating.

But regardless I was wrong and I lost a friend over it.

Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone also has the opportunity

during every moment of every day to be the kind of person that they

are proud of.

So while I couldn't force my friend to forgive me, I can choose to

forgive myself by not repeating my same mistakes. And I'm good

with that!

I love that!

PanicAttack said:

Alej said:

Even if I haven't

If someone doesn't want to forgive you, they have the right to do so.

I don't beg.

I'm not trying to challenge you, but this is an honest question: How do you feel about making APPOLOGIES? Because sometimes they are actually due to people and it take GREAT HUMILITY to do so....It requires that we own up to a short-coming or a wrong as well as acknowledging any pain that we've caused...

[Edited 6/5/11 19:50pm]

I apologise if I feel that I have to - but I must say I have never actually MEANT to apologise in my life. I pretty much always do it because I feel it's the right thing to do but I almost never mean it. I'm a horrible person

I'm currently inflicting that pain on my sister. She owes me a big-time apology. Until I get one, she'll stay on my shit list.

My niece's graduation is this weekend and I have no idea whether my sister is coming or not. If she's there, I'll make nice for the sake of our parents. But it'll be temporary.

I have and it felt like absolute shit, especially that I used to always get away with stuff before that. it's truly humbled & bettered me.

It took over five years for that person to forgive me and I cannot express enough how thankful I am that they did. It was just awful while it lasted.

Alej said:

Eh, if someone doesn't forgive me, I just say 'fuck it' and move on.

^ that.

the fact that you apologize for something means that you realize you've done something wrong, and you know it. If someone wants to be upset that someone else won't say "apology accepted"...means that they haven't forgiven themselves yet. they want to continue punishing themselves.

ZombieKitten said:

Lammastide said:

never forgiving is a grasping for retroactive control over a slight that has already happened.

I like the way you put this!

Yes, though I think a person has no obligation to forgive, that is their issue to work out. The important thing is for the person who did something wrong to seek forgiveness in the spirit of true remorse.

NDRU said:

ZombieKitten said:

I like the way you put this!

Yes, though I think a person has no obligation to forgive, that is their issue to work out. The important thing is for the person who did something wrong to seek forgiveness in the spirit of true remorse.

which the slighted party has no control over, no matter how much they wish they had

"slight" what a word! as if a parent suffering the loss of a child to a DUI is suffering something slight

ZombieKitten said:

NDRU said:

Yes, though I think a person has no obligation to forgive, that is their issue to work out. The important thing is for the person who did something wrong to seek forgiveness in the spirit of true remorse.

which the slighted party has no control over, no matter how much they wish they had

"slight" what a word! as if a parent suffering the loss of a child to a DUI is suffering something slight

Good point. Slight is much too small a word. I should have stuck with "violation."

Lammastide said:

ZombieKitten said:

which the slighted party has no control over, no matter how much they wish they had

"slight" what a word! as if a parent suffering the loss of a child to a DUI is suffering something slight

Good point. Slight is much too small a word. I should have stuck with "violation."

I wasn't directing that at you lammy!

just that word in general

sometimes it IS small things that are totally blown out of all proportion, and sometimes, not forgiving is totally understandable

Alej said:

PanicAttack said:

I'm not trying to challenge you, but this is an honest question: How do you feel about making APPOLOGIES? Because sometimes they are actually due to people and it take GREAT HUMILITY to do so....It requires that we own up to a short-coming or a wrong as well as acknowledging any pain that we've caused...

[Edited 6/5/11 19:50pm]

I apologise if I feel that I have to - but I must say I have never actually MEANT to apologise in my life. I pretty much always do it because I feel it's the right thing to do but I almost never mean it. I'm a horrible person

Oh, boy!

[Edited 6/6/11 20:40pm]

[Edited 6/6/11 20:41pm]

[Edited 6/6/11 20:46pm]