Militant said:

When will the mood swings end

I was doing OK this morning and now I'm in floods of tears again.

I've barely eaten a thing for the last few days, and when I tried to force myself to eat, I felt sick almost straight away.

I thought I knew pain.... but this... this is something else.

You know I never experienced that type of pain BUT I can understand. Love can make you literally sick especially if someone breaks your heart so I guess this is a natural progression. I hope you eventually come out of it. Again it may take some time so I can understand.

Militant said:

So my wife broke the news to me yesterday, after almost 5 years of marriage and 7 years together, that she wants a divorce. I just got my VISA to move to the States to be with her and was planning to move there in a few months time. I'm crushed, confused and heartbroken. She says the visa getting approved meant she had to confront the reality of the situation - of us being together permanently - and she doesn't think she'll be happy and says I'm no longer the man she fell in love with.

I've never felt so crushed in my whole life. it's like my whole world has fallen down. There also seems to be another guy in the picture - some trainer she met at a new gym she started going to not too long ago. So no doubt he's been enforcing her doubts for his own gains and there's nothing I can do about it. It fucking sucks, I cried for hours yesterday and today and now I'm simply having to stay on anti-depressants and face the reality of the situation.

No kids involved and we did get married young - I just turned 24. So at least it won't be a complicated affair. But I was so excited to move to the States, I thought we were going to start a family and it would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. So I'm kinda feeling lost and confused about what I should do now.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even watch TV because all the shows I like, we used to watch together. So much music is off limits because I know certain songs will make me bawl and I have to try and stay positive. I know I'll make it through the other side but it's going to be very hard.

:'(

:'(

:'(

Wow!!! That's terribly sad and I feel for ya. Honestly though, and forgive my honesty, if you were living in two separate countries for that long (5 years) then this news is not so surprising at least to me. Relationships get very "real" when people have to live together and share everything on a daily basis. The other guy is a BIG factor no doubt but its goes to show how important it is for people to be invested in a union all the way and that means being "physically" there. I've recently read that relationships for military couples and those where one spouse works all the time (law enforcement, attorneys, doctors) are the hardest to maintain. Distance and absence are a bitch!

Because you obviously love her still, I hope that you can maintain some kind of friendship and who knows, maybe her gym stud will disappoint her and she may reconsider the divorce. Reconciliation may still be an option.

You should get some therapy/counseling to help deal with the stress and get rid of the anti-depressants. Find some hobbies to occupy your time so that you don't think about her and the situation too much.

Believe me....you will get past this. It's a little easier to get over a fractured and failed relationship when you're young and you don't have kids with the other person.

Timmy84 said:

Militant said:

When will the mood swings end

I was doing OK this morning and now I'm in floods of tears again.

I've barely eaten a thing for the last few days, and when I tried to force myself to eat, I felt sick almost straight away.

I thought I knew pain.... but this... this is something else.

You know I never experienced that type of pain BUT I can understand. Love can make you literally sick especially if someone breaks your heart so I guess this is a natural progression. I hope you eventually come out of it. Again it may take some time so I can understand.

Just think of the bright side...the lack of appetite will cause you to lose any unwanted pounds...and if you start exercising and keeping your portions low (thanks to the depressed appetite) then you'll be looking better than ever. Usually, guys tend to lose weight and women tend to gain weight under stress, so your ex may wind up getting fatter while you get slimmer.

Payback is a bitch sometimes!

PurpleJedi said:

I guess I am the exception to the rule. I always lose weight under stress even though I eat all day long and get too skinny then.

Did you see some movies? Or walk around in nature? Or made music?

Just, anything that works getting through the first period. You will not feel like this forever. Just wait, and untill then, try to eat something, clean your house, watch a movie.

And wait until it slowly gets better....

It will get better. Even in a few weeks probably. Really. It's a promise.

HotGritz said:

We already had that discussion before didn't we?

Well then people should stop voting for parties that make it pretty much impossible for couples from different countries to live together. Quite often it is not a choice of the couples to live in different countries, but it is because of the visa situation. Here in my country for example there are many married couples with children and the dads from non EU countries are not allowed to live here with their wives and children. That people still try to stay with the person they love even when the circumstances are very hard shows that they are serious about their relationships.

If it was not for visas I would be next to my bf right now instead of throusands of miles away. Because of inhuman politicians and laws I am not.

Serious said:

HotGritz said:

Wow!!! That's terribly sad and I feel for ya. Honestly though, and forgive my honesty, if you were living in two separate countries for that long (5 years) then this news is not so surprising at least to me. Relationships get very "real" when people have to live together and share everything on a daily basis. The other guy is a BIG factor no doubt but its goes to show how important it is for people to be invested in a union all the way and that means being "physically" there. I've recently read that relationships for military couples and those where one spouse works all the time (law enforcement, attorneys, doctors) are the hardest to maintain. Distance and absence are a bitch!

Because you obviously love her still, I hope that you can maintain some kind of friendship and who knows, maybe her gym stud will disappoint her and she may reconsider the divorce. Reconciliation may still be an option.

You should get some therapy/counseling to help deal with the stress and get rid of the anti-depressants. Find some hobbies to occupy your time so that you don't think about her and the situation too much.

Believe me....you will get past this. It's a little easier to get over a fractured and failed relationship when you're young and you don't have kids with the other person.

We already had that discussion before didn't we? Well then people should stop voting for parties that make it pretty much impossible for couples from different countries to live together. Quite often it is not a choice of the couples to live in different countries, but it is because of the visa situation. Here in my country for example there are many married couples with children and the dads from non EU countries are not allowed to live here with their wives and children. That people still try to stay with the person they love even when the circumstances are very hard shows that they are serious about their relationships. If it was not for visas I would be next to my bf right now instead of throusands of miles away. Because of inhuman politicians and laws I am not.

Yeah we had that discussion and we can have it again.

Going into such a relationship, you already know what the visa situation is and its not likely to change any time soon. Its your choice to have a relationship, and start a family, with someone from another country when you know you may not be able to move to their country or they to yours. Period.

So if the law is not in your favor then this is something that needs to be considered BEFORE you marry and make babies.

Nations don't give a damn about who we love. They care about their borders, their safety, their economy etc. as well they should.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck, clearly it does, but why be mad about an immigration policy when that policy was in effect before you fell in love?

HotGritz said:

I did not know about the policy and the visa situation. In fact when I fell in love it was not that bad, either in his country nor in mine. When my bf fell in love with a woman from Germany several years ago it was no problem for both of them to get visas for the other one's country. Both countries keep changing the laws for the worse since. And by these policies they are sure not protecting their borders, safety or economy as neither me nor my bf would be any threat for those .

But even if it would have been that bad already when I fell in love and if I would have known it: What choice exactly would I have had ? Either to miss him like crazy wehn we are apart and be in a relationship with him or to miss him like crazy and not be in a relationship with him. Or to kill myself. Great choice .

Sorry Miltant, it is not my intention to turn it into another thread about long distance relationships . It just pisses me off how some people judge people who love somebody who is living in another country .

She lived with me here in the UK for 2 years.

Granted - it didn't end well, and that's why she moved back. And of course a lot of her problem is that she truly believed history would repeat itself as far as the issues we had when we lived together.

I, on the other hand, truly did not believe history would repeat itself and that's because, after she moved back, I put in significant effort to better myself. I had counselling. I confronted my demons. I became more motivated. I really made an effort. Over the 2 years since she left, I went there at least 9 times, with every trip at least 3-5 weeks long. We barely had a single disagreement any of those times. This was significant to me, not just because it was nothing like how it was when we lived together here, but also, it was nothing like how it was before she had moved here and we'd been in the same position. Because even then, we'd have regular disagreements and arguments and now we weren't.

So from my perspective - it seemed as if we'd resolved our previous issues and moved on. Granted we still had some problems - who doesn't? - but I believed so strongly that we'd make it work that I was ready to give up my whole life here and move! The fact that she'd supposedly had those feelings for a while was never expressed to me. What's hurting the most is that I wasn't given a chance to prove that history wouldn't repeat itself. I honestly believed it wouldn't and that we'd matured and learned enough from our previous problems. The problem is that I had no way of proving it. I thought that committing to the move was enought to show that I at least wholeheartedly believed we'd be OK - because clearly if I didn't feel that, I wouldn't have made up my mind to go.

Still depressed as fuck. But I've learned some lessons, albeit the hard way. It feels like the most minor consolation some of the time. But at least it's something positive.

HotGritz said:

Because I have every reason to be mad. It is inhuman and unfair. No matter if it was there before I fell in love or not. And in my case it not even was that bad like I said before. Nobody chooses to fall in love. You cannot influence the way you feel. Just because that policy exists won't change that you meet a person and fall in love. So yes I am mad about a policy that is wrong and inhuman and that is the reason why my life is not a happy one anymore.

Serious said:

Sorry Miltant, it is not my intention to turn it into another thread about long distance relationships . It just pisses me off how some people judge people who love somebody who is living in another country .

Oh please...get off your high horse. You had every intention of turning this into a long distance thread and I'm calling you on it right now.

Militant's situation is not YOUR situation, plain and simple. This isn't about YOU or YOUR relationsip it's about Militant!

The man is going through a difficult time and there is not much anybody can do about it except to encourage him to keep his head up, accept what is happening, and hope for the best in terms of his relationship with his WIFE. Hopefully they can be friends after all this is over with. Worrying about not being able to move to the U.S. is futile and moot at this time. People need to realize that relocating to another country and becoming a citizen is a long process not easily fixed by marriage or love and they ought to consider and prepare for this ahead of time.

It isn't about judging...it's about common sense. Relationships are hard as it is and whn you factor in long distances and citizenzship issues...guess what....it just got harder.

HotGritz said:

Ridiculous . YOU are the one who turned it into that long distance relationship shit again by telling him you are not surprised that she left him as they were living apart. You think that made him feel any better ? Yeah sure .
I am at no high horse, but yes I know it's not about me and I don't have any desire to discuss my situation with you anyway. I am finished with that. You just seem to get a kick out of telling other people how they are supposed to live their lives anyway.

Militant said:

She lived with me here in the UK for 2 years.

Granted - it didn't end well, and that's why she moved back. And of course a lot of her problem is that she truly believed history would repeat itself as far as the issues we had when we lived together.

I, on the other hand, truly did not believe history would repeat itself and that's because, after she moved back, I put in significant effort to better myself. I had counselling. I confronted my demons. I became more motivated. I really made an effort. Over the 2 years since she left, I went there at least 9 times, with every trip at least 3-5 weeks long. We barely had a single disagreement any of those times. This was significant to me, not just because it was nothing like how it was when we lived together here, but also, it was nothing like how it was before she had moved here and we'd been in the same position. Because even then, we'd have regular disagreements and arguments and now we weren't.

So from my perspective - it seemed as if we'd resolved our previous issues and moved on. Granted we still had some problems - who doesn't? - but I believed so strongly that we'd make it work that I was ready to give up my whole life here and move! The fact that she'd supposedly had those feelings for a while was never expressed to me. What's hurting the most is that I wasn't given a chance to prove that history wouldn't repeat itself. I honestly believed it wouldn't and that we'd matured and learned enough from our previous problems. The problem is that I had no way of proving it. I thought that committing to the move was enought to show that I at least wholeheartedly believed we'd be OK - because clearly if I didn't feel that, I wouldn't have made up my mind to go.

Still depressed as fuck. But I've learned some lessons, albeit the hard way. It feels like the most minor consolation some of the time. But at least it's something positive.

Again, sorry for your loss. You basically didn't have the time and opportunity to prove you were a changed man because you didn't get to move and be with her full time and as you stated "prove history wouldn't repeat itself".

Your issue seems more about how the relationship started than the distance between you, although the distance is a factor because she didn't see how much progress you were making as a husband to her.

I'm glad you feel you've learned some lessons from all this. Most people probably don't learn from past relationships and that's why they repeat their mistakes.

Wish you the best and hope you find somebody else who truly appreciates you and what you have to offer. And yes...I hope you find somebody closer to home so you don't have to go through the added stress of back and forth relationships and moving for somebody only to find out its not what they want.

And one last post before I am out of that thread for good: Militant, I know how you feel and from the bottom of my heart I wish you the very best and that your pain will ease with time and that you will find a way to be happy again soon . If you ever feel like talking, just orgnote me.

Serious said:

HotGritz said:

Yeah we had that discussion and we can have it again.

Going into such a relationship, you already know what the visa situation is and its not likely to change any time soon. Its your choice to have a relationship, and start a family, with someone from another country when you know you may not be able to move to their country or they to yours. Period.

So if the law is not in your favor then this is something that needs to be considered BEFORE you marry and make babies.

Nations don't give a damn about who we love. They care about their borders, their safety, their economy etc. as well they should.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck, clearly it does, but why be mad about an immigration policy when that policy was in effect before you fell in love?

I did not know about the policy and the visa situation. In fact when I fell in love it was not that bad, either in his country nor in mine. When my bf fell in love with a woman from Germany several years ago it was no problem for both of them to get visas for the other one's country. Both countries keep changing the laws for the worse since. And by these policies they are sure not protecting their borders, safety or economy as neither me nor my bf would be any threat for those . But even if it would have been that bad already when I fell in love and if I would have known it: What choice exactly would I have had ? Either to miss him like crazy wehn we are apart and be in a relationship with him or to miss him like crazy and not be in a relationship with him. Or to kill myself. Great choice .

Listen, and I'm not trying to dismiss now you feel because I see it hurts you to be away from him, but you can't make the call that you or your bf are not a risk cuz it's not your call to make, it's the government's call at least in terms of how they write policies for visas etc.

You have other choices of course, rather than killing yourself and I hope you are not serious (no pun) in feeling suicidal over being apart from him. If you really want to stay with him for ever and ever then you have to live in the relationship the way it is until either the laws change on how long someone can live and work in another country or until one of you secures citizenship.

That's it. You can be mad about the policiy but unless you are actively trying to change the law, you have to live under the law.

Uhmm...ladies?

I know this won't make Militant feel any better...but long distance relationships CAN work!

My cousin met his wife on a vacation trip down in Honduras. He fell in love with her and travelled down (from New York) as much as he could to be with her.

After a few years they married. He actually quit his job here to go live there with her. Then the pittance that he was getting paid finally wore on him, so he moved back up. Meanwhile they put in a Visa application for his wife. They spent FIVE YEARS waiting for the papers to get processed. In all of that time, he kept travelling as much as his job and his wallet would allow.

Finally the papers came through and she moved up here. Everyone in the family was a bit skeptical (I mean, who could live like that, right? "She probably only wanted the papers.") BUT she's been here over 4 years, and they're still going strong.

So even though it's rough, it sometimes does work!

Of course, she's a very humble, unassuming, religious person, so it probably allowed for the situation to play out without her bolting.

Serious said:

HotGritz said:

Oh please...get off your high horse. You had every intention of turning this into a long distance thread and I'm calling you on it right now.

Militant's situation is not YOUR situation, plain and simple. This isn't about YOU or YOUR relationsip it's about Militant!

The man is going through a difficult time and there is not much anybody can do about it except to encourage him to keep his head up, accept what is happening, and hope for the best in terms of his relationship with his WIFE. Hopefully they can be friends after all this is over with. Worrying about not being able to move to the U.S. is futile and moot at this time. People need to realize that relocating to another country and becoming a citizen is a long process not easily fixed by marriage or love and they ought to consider and prepare for this ahead of time.

It isn't about judging...it's about common sense. Relationships are hard as it is and whn you factor in long distances and citizenzship issues...guess what....it just got harder.

Ridiculous . YOU are the one who turned it into that long distance relationship shit again by telling him you are not surprised that she left him as they were living apart. You think that made him feel any better ? Yeah sure . I am at no high horse, but yes I know it's not about me and I don't have any desire to discuss my situation with you anyway. I am finished with that. You just seem to get a kick out of telling other people how they are supposed to live their lives anyway.

How is my opinion on his relationship a blanket opinion on EVERY long distance relationship? Does every long distance relationship involve a marriage of 5 years separated by great distance with a gym stud thrown in? NO, clearly not but of course YOU think all long distance relationships are the same and that they should all somehow magically work out cuz love conquers all or some shit.

I get a kick out of telling other people how they are supposed to live their lives? Really?

And you say this isn't about you huh?

WHATEVER!

Militant doesn't need any more fighting than he's already doing in his own life.

So, Militant, how are you holding on? Do you manage not to contact her and eat something?

Did you pick up a book to hold on to?

(you know I'm addicted to advising others; here's my fave: 'coach yourself to succes' Talane Miedaner.)

I eat chickensoup in these periods. Easy to make a very large amount in once, and eat it for 2 days. No need to chew

dJJ said:

Militant doesn't need any more fighting than he's already doing in his own life.

So, Militant, how are you holding on? Do you manage not to contact her and eat something?

Did you pick up a book to hold on to?

(you know I'm addicted to advising others; here's my fave: 'coach yourself to succes' Talane Miedaner.)

I eat chickensoup in these periods. Easy to make a very large amount in once, and eat it for 2 days. No need to chew

I'm not initiating any conversation. She instant messaged me a couple of times and I responded but was pretty much cold. Not negatively, but you know. I was candid and straight-to-the-point in my responses.

Still can't eat anything. Went to the pub with my dad and drank a beer with him and that was nice. No books but I'm reading a lot of stuff online and listening to a lot of music. Mostly just feel good pop stuff. I will check out that book you mentioned though.

I know I'll get my appetite back at some point. Don't want to push it though, as I did that either last night or the night before (can't even keep good track of time right now lol) and I felt sick afterwards.

Just the mood swings and the lack of control or knowledge of when they're going to happen is pretty hard.....I feel very vulnerable and sensitive and it's making me feel really inhibited.

Thanks for posting.

Yeah, love is the most vulnerable position there is. It allways sweeps you around in life. I guess that's the purpose of it.

I imagine you also feel empty, because of the sudden disruption of your futureplans together.....

Hang in there buddy, sending you hugs and love to comfort you. Go with the flow, and don't be hard on yourself. The only thing that is important for survival is keeping some sort of structure. Try to condition your body into eating and sleeping at the same hours every day. At least your body will be calm then.

advice comes from somebody who is not capable of that structure herself

Militant said:

dJJ said:

Militant doesn't need any more fighting than he's already doing in his own life.

So, Militant, how are you holding on? Do you manage not to contact her and eat something?

Did you pick up a book to hold on to?

(you know I'm addicted to advising others; here's my fave: 'coach yourself to succes' Talane Miedaner.)

I eat chickensoup in these periods. Easy to make a very large amount in once, and eat it for 2 days. No need to chew

I'm not initiating any conversation. She instant messaged me a couple of times and I responded but was pretty much cold. Not negatively, but you know. I was candid and straight-to-the-point in my responses.

Still can't eat anything. Went to the pub with my dad and drank a beer with him and that was nice. No books but I'm reading a lot of stuff online and listening to a lot of music. Mostly just feel good pop stuff. I will check out that book you mentioned though.

I know I'll get my appetite back at some point. Don't want to push it though, as I did that either last night or the night before (can't even keep good track of time right now lol) and I felt sick afterwards.

Just the mood swings and the lack of control or knowledge of when they're going to happen is pretty hard.....I feel very vulnerable and sensitive and it's making me feel really inhibited.

I think I can help out with that

I'm glad you felt secure enough to share your personal problem and private pain Militant. That fact alone shows me you have inner strength you're obviously not feeling at the moment. You've gotten a lot of excellent advice from good people, so there's not much I can add except to say I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope each day brings more healing.

Sandra

Elle85n09 said:

I'm glad you felt secure enough to share your personal problem and private pain Militant. That fact alone shows me you have inner strength you're obviously not feeling at the moment. You've gotten a lot of excellent advice from good people, so there's not much I can add except to say I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope each day brings more healing.

Sandra

Thank you so much.... that was really nice to hear....

I think once I get over the initial shock and am somewhat able to function I will just try and work as much as possible. Set myself some tangible, solid goals and try to achieve them.

I'm not there yet and I don't know when I will be, but I'm trying to stay positive.

I wish my mom was alive. I never really knew her (she passed when I was 5) but I feel like she would know what to do to make me feel better.

Fucks sake. Everytime my mood swings back to low the wound feels fresh again.

Seriously.....I keep trying to tell myself that other people have it much worse than I do.

But sometimes nothing I try is helping me feel better at all. Why is there no easy way to take away this pain? How come we can go to the fucking moon and space and clone animals and all this shit but nobody figured out how to cure a broken heart?

HotGritz said:

Serious said:

HotGritz said: We already had that discussion before didn't we? Well then people should stop voting for parties that make it pretty much impossible for couples from different countries to live together. Quite often it is not a choice of the couples to live in different countries, but it is because of the visa situation. Here in my country for example there are many married couples with children and the dads from non EU countries are not allowed to live here with their wives and children. That people still try to stay with the person they love even when the circumstances are very hard shows that they are serious about their relationships. If it was not for visas I would be next to my bf right now instead of throusands of miles away. Because of inhuman politicians and laws I am not.

Yeah we had that discussion and we can have it again.

Going into such a relationship, you already know what the visa situation is and its not likely to change any time soon. Its your choice to have a relationship, and start a family, with someone from another country when you know you may not be able to move to their country or they to yours. Period.

So if the law is not in your favor then this is something that needs to be considered BEFORE you marry and make babies.

Nations don't give a damn about who we love. They care about their borders, their safety, their economy etc. as well they should.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck, clearly it does, but why be mad about an immigration policy when that policy was in effect before you fell in love?

I totally hear you. I'm a person who has rarely been involved with someone from the same country as me, and these policies are simply a fact of life. You know it going into a long-distance relationship, so I imagine a person with any level of rationale and discernment would have enough sense to prepare themselves (emotionally, financially) for the best and worst case scenarios in a situation like this and not just sit and moan about how unfair the world is

Militant said:

Fucks sake. Everytime my mood swings back to low the wound feels fresh again.

Seriously.....I keep trying to tell myself that other people have it much worse than I do.

But sometimes nothing I try is helping me feel better at all. Why is there no easy way to take away this pain? How come we can go to the fucking moon and space and clone animals and all this shit but nobody figured out how to cure a broken heart?

a heart is a powerful thing!!!!!!

happiness mixed with sorrow....

may there b better times 4 your tomorrow......

i am actually excited about my divorce..... my tears r long gone

y edit

[Edited 4/29/11 0:29am]

Ottensen said:

Wow so easy to judge and hurt others from behind a computer . As this thread is not about me I will orgnote you.

ZombieKitten said:

If it is for me: Thank you sweetie