i have a 12 year old boy from my previous relationship...his mother stopped me from seeing him for a few weeks at a time during the divorce as revenge for breaking up the marriage and to hurt me....i got really down a few times when i wasnt seeing him as much as i would have liked but got through it..

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its been fine for the last 2 years or so....i have been seeing him as much as i can...work commitments mean i can only see him every second weekend usually plus some of the school holidays if i can...

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but the last two weekends that i would normally get him...he has told me he doesnt want me to pick him up as he wants to stay at his mothers and play with his friends....i bought him a new bike a few weeks ago for the coming summer and since then...i havent seen him...

,

its now 5 weeks since i have seen him and i cant deny that i am very hurt and had a wee cry to myself last night...i dont mind him missing the odd weekend but its now two in a row and i feel hurt and a bit angry as well....i love him to bits and i am not sure what to do about it....i told him i was annoyed that he wasnt coming to see me this weekend and he just says there are other weekends...

.

just wondering if anyone else has been through this and has any advice...thanks..

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FOLLOW ON...

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had a talk to him over the phone and have got him this weekend...seems he doesnt really understand how much it hurts me when i dont see him for a while....but everything is a joke at that age so i dont want to push it too much....i think he realises that he has to make an effort to come and see me...he has friends here as well and they do stay over and i try and take him to various days out when i can so hopefully this has just been a blip and things will be fine now...

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again...thanks for all the replys...they really helped me...

[Edited 4/30/11 2:17am]

he gets to say when he comes over to see you?

veronikka said:

he gets to say when he comes over to see you?

gets to stay over ?...yes....i normally pick him up on the friday when he finishes school and drop him off on sunday night....i live about 40 miles away from his mums house..

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Allow him to invite a friend of his along for the day / night ... weekend ~

cut off his funds. see how fast he calls you.

BlackAdder7 said:

cut off his funds. see how fast he calls you.

Seriously ? This is how you would treat a 12 yr old boy in a "seperation" situation ?

Wow ...

hey, i grew up like your son

he is 12 so right now friendships are very important to him although he can't exactly express that

as long as you stay in the picture somehow, and don't make him feel guilty for not wanting to see you - you should be ok

hopefully the mom won't badmouth you to him

whenever i would visit my dad, all he did was sit in front of the tv watching football and i was away from my friends

anyway, hope this helps

fuckinghell ive been living thru this hell 4 11 years blackbob & typing this 2u is dangerous 4me cuz it opens up alot of old wounds.im only allowed 2 c my son 4 10 mins b4 & after he attends the kingdom hall.me & my then wife were in2 jehovah in a massive way problem was my wife got more in2 the organization than me.b4 eye knew it jehovah was more important 2 my wife than me?we divorced & that first year was so painful 4 me.at one point eye sold everything eye owned & was ready 2 walk in2 the kingdom hall & kill my wife & my son & anybody else who got in my way!!!!eye had planned 2 go 2 prison 4 many years.2 cut 2 the quick my wife & son became jw eye didnt,eye lost my house my son & my wife 2 jehovah so eye had 2 move on.my son doesnt want 2 c me anymore he would rather knock doors & hand out the watchtower mag.over the years the pain has gone & ive learnt 2 cope with my loss.the strange thing is the kingdom hall my son attends is only 5 mins away from where eye live,eye pass it everyday going 2 work & now eye just laugh & have a little smile.u must b strong blackbob if ur son doesnt want 2cu theres nothing u can do!!!!!!just get on with ur life bob & b happy & oneday he will come & c his dad when the time is right.ive done all my crying been thru all my pain thats what has made me the man eye am 2day!!!but eye didnt go 2 prison & didnt hurt anybody.look after urself black bob.

davetherave6767 said:

fuckinghell ive been living thru this hell 4 11 years blackbob & typing this 2u is dangerous 4me cuz it opens up alot of old wounds.im only allowed 2 c my son 4 10 mins b4 & after he attends the kingdom hall.me & my then wife were in2 jehovah in a massive way problem was my wife got more in2 the organization than me.b4 eye knew it jehovah was more important 2 my wife than me?we divorced & that first year was so painful 4 me.at one point eye sold everything eye owned & was ready 2 walk in2 the kingdom hall & kill my wife & my son & anybody else who got in my way!!!!eye had planned 2 go 2 prison 4 many years.2 cut 2 the quick my wife & son became jw eye didnt,eye lost my house my son & my wife 2 jehovah so eye had 2 move on.my son doesnt want 2 c me anymore he would rather knock doors & hand out the watchtower mag.over the years the pain has gone & ive learnt 2 cope with my loss.the strange thing is the kingdom hall my son attends is only 5 mins away from where eye live,eye pass it everyday going 2 work & now eye just laugh & have a little smile.u must b strong blackbob if ur son doesnt want 2cu theres nothing u can do!!!!!!just get on with ur life bob & b happy & oneday he will come & c his dad when the time is right.ive done all my crying been thru all my pain thats what has made me the man eye am 2day!!!but eye didnt go 2 prison & didnt hurt anybody.look after urself black bob.

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bloody hell dave...that makes my problem seem very small compared to what you have been through...sorry to hear all that...i take your advice on board but noone can hurt me like my son can...and he has hurt me the last few days...thanks..

if u watch the news like eye do u will no that not a day goes by and a father hasnt killed his kids either by drowning or throwing them out of a window on holiday,or shot them & then shot himself.it seems 2 happen every week in the u.k. this is cuz the law in this country always sides with the mother? u could b a great dad there 24/7 4 ur kids then u split or divorce & some twat of a judge who has no kids tells u that u can c ur kids 4 3 hours on a saturday & 2 hours on a sunday???? this will fuck up any fathers head & send them over the edge!!u must b strong & focus on ur life blackbob, eye feel 4 any man going thru this torment eye no what it can do 2 ur head!!take care my friend!

blackbob said:

t noone can hurt me like my son can...and he has hurt me the last few days...thanks..

He is 12!!!

You are his father and supposed to be the mature person in this situation.

And in stead of truly trying to understand his current needs,

you are manipulating him into feeling guilty for choosing his own path and making his own decisions.

And you are blaming your 12 year old son for not spending his time the way you want him too; namely with you. And in stead of analyzing the situation and trying to understand what lesson you have to learn, you blame him for hurting you?!

He wants to stay at the house where he spends most of his time, so it is his true home. It's the place where he has the most important thing in his life: HIS FRIENDS

It's nice that you bought a bike for him. However, did you buy it because you wanted to enrich his life by making him happy? Or did you buy the bike for him because you expected him to love you for it in return?

Please, find a person in your environment who can really assist you in your personal growth, in stead of looking for wolves who will cry with you and just reinforce you self acclaimed victim stance.

You will not learn or grow by blaming others, especially a 12 year old boy, for your own emotional distress.

Please, give your son some space. Let him know you love him and respect his decisions. Don't make your child responsible for your happiness.

dJJ said:

blackbob said:

t noone can hurt me like my son can...and he has hurt me the last few days...thanks..

He is 12!!!

You are his father and supposed to be the mature person in this situation.

And in stead of truly trying to understand his current needs,

you are manipulating him into feeling guilty for choosing his own path and making his own decisions.

And you are blaming your 12 year old son for not spending his time the way you want him too; namely with you. And in stead of analyzing the situation and trying to understand what lesson you have to learn, you blame him for hurting you?!

He wants to stay at the house where he spends most of his time, so it is his true home. It's the place where he has the most important thing in his life: HIS FRIENDS

It's nice that you bought a bike for him. However, did you buy it because you wanted to enrich his life by making him happy? Or did you buy the bike for him because you expected him to love you for it in return?

Please, find a person in your environment who can really assist you in your personal growth, in stead of looking for wolves who will cry with you and just reinforce you self acclaimed victim stance.

You will not learn or grow by blaming others, especially a 12 year old boy, for your own emotional distress.

Please, give your son some space. Let him know you love him and respect his decisions. Don't make your child responsible for your happiness.

I'm curious: How many children do you have?

blackbob said:

i have a 12 year old boy from my previous relationship...his mother stopped me from seeing him for a few weeks at a time during the divorce as revenge for breaking up the marriage and to hurt me....i got really down a few times when i wasnt seeing him as much as i would have liked but got through it..

.

its been fine for the last 2 years or so....i have been seeing him as much as i can...work commitments mean i can only see him every second weekend usually plus some of the school holidays if i can...

.

but the last two weekends that i would normally get him...he has told me he doesnt want me to pick him up as he wants to stay at his mothers and play with his friends....i bought him a new bike a few weeks ago for the coming summer and since then...i havent seen him...

,

its now 5 weeks since i have seen him and i cant deny that i am very hurt and had a wee cry to myself last night...i dont mind him missing the odd weekend but its now two in a row and i feel hurt and a bit angry as well....i love him to bits and i am not sure what to do about it....i told him i was annoyed that he wasnt coming to see me this weekend and he just says there are other weekends...

.

just wondering if anyone else has been through this and has any advice...thanks..

I think that Mach had the best suggestion.

overreact much, djj?

whistle said:

overreact much, djj?

Yep.

I'm just not that good at keeping my cool when a kid of 12 years old gets the blame......

sorry.

blackbob said:

veronikka said:

he gets to say when he comes over to see you?

gets to stay over ?...yes....i normally pick him up on the friday when he finishes school and drop him off on sunday night....i live about 40 miles away from his mums house..

.

.

no, she's asking if he gets to decide that by himself

I too agree with mach... Hes 12... his friends are wayyyyy more important than his parents (in his mind) Remember being 12... I would of choosen to play with my friends rather than hang out with a parent...

As mach said, let him invite a buddy over... That should solve that problem... Its hard when you realize your babies dont wanna spend time with you anymore... First comes friends, then girls... He will come back around but it will never be the same as when he was small... Thats just a fact of life...But dont be sad by it, he still loves you but puberty is a BITCH

tinaz said:

I too agree with mach... Hes 12... his friends are wayyyyy more important than his parents (in his mind) Remember being 12... I would of choosen to play with my friends rather than hang out with a parent...

As mach said, let him invite a buddy over... That should solve that problem... Its hard when you realize your babies dont wanna spend time with you anymore... First comes friends, then girls... He will come back around but it will never be the same as when he was small... Thats just a fact of life...But dont be sad by it, he still loves you but puberty is a BITCH

Yep, between the ages of 12 till around 21, parents are the lamest thing on earth. We know absolutely nothing and are only good for cash, meals and car keys.

After age 21, parents get smarter with each passing year.

You have so many family problems I now know all of your business.

Anyways I wouldn't take it personally because I can't stand seeing my dad but it's not because I don't like him. It's because he's weird as hell and really lame.

babynoz said:

blackbob said:

i have a 12 year old boy from my previous relationship...his mother stopped me from seeing him for a few weeks at a time during the divorce as revenge for breaking up the marriage and to hurt me....i got really down a few times when i wasnt seeing him as much as i would have liked but got through it..

.

its been fine for the last 2 years or so....i have been seeing him as much as i can...work commitments mean i can only see him every second weekend usually plus some of the school holidays if i can...

.

but the last two weekends that i would normally get him...he has told me he doesnt want me to pick him up as he wants to stay at his mothers and play with his friends....i bought him a new bike a few weeks ago for the coming summer and since then...i havent seen him...

,

its now 5 weeks since i have seen him and i cant deny that i am very hurt and had a wee cry to myself last night...i dont mind him missing the odd weekend but its now two in a row and i feel hurt and a bit angry as well....i love him to bits and i am not sure what to do about it....i told him i was annoyed that he wasnt coming to see me this weekend and he just says there are other weekends...

.

just wondering if anyone else has been through this and has any advice...thanks..

I think that Mach had the best suggestion.

Thing is, he lives 40 miles away from where his friends are, I don't think parents would be too willing to let their kids travel that far to friends fathers house he spends the weekend at but its worth a try

dJJ said:

whistle said:

overreact much, djj?

Yep.

I'm just not that good at keeping my cool when a kid of 12 years old gets the blame......

sorry.

I don't think he is blaming his son for anything just expressing his feelings over the whole situation, nothing wrong with that!

ZombieKitten said:

blackbob said:

gets to stay over ?...yes....i normally pick him up on the friday when he finishes school and drop him off on sunday night....i live about 40 miles away from his mums house..

.

.

no, she's asking if he gets to decide that by himself

haha! I didn't realize he had misunderstood me

If both parents have come to an agreement that blackbob gets to have his son on the weekends, I do not think the son should be deciding wether he goes or not! He is at his moms all week, it won't kill him to spend the weekend with his dad and without his friends! Kids aren't kids for long and you will never get that time back, spend it with him, make the most of it! As he gets older he will want to be less and less with you and more with his friends, thats just how kids are, this doesn't mean he gets to decide if comes to your place or not. I see so many teenagers where I work that say they feel abandoned by one parent because they won't spend time with them, all because these parents do not make the time or effort to spend with their kids. If you make him come over and stay with you on the weekends, at least later on you can't say you didn't make the effort. Hope things get better for you

Mach said:

Allow him to invite a friend of his along for the day / night ... weekend ~

In addition-you could make your home more attractive by having a real cool gaming system, pool table, or something unique that stays at your home. Thus, making your home more attractive to the kid. Where at least you can spend time together with or without his friends. Whatever your kid wants.

veronikka said:

dJJ said:

Yep.

I'm just not that good at keeping my cool when a kid of 12 years old gets the blame......

sorry.

I don't think he is blaming his son for anything just expressing his feelings over the whole situation, nothing wrong with that!

he's a 12yr old lad, he wants to be out doing drugs & girls, not playing happy families with dad & the new family

Sorry to hear this is happening to you.

I have to admit that having this happen to me is one of my biggest fears.

Unfortunately when a divorce happens, the mother pretty much has control over the children and if the divorce is bitter, then that bitterness is relayed to the kids. I know 2 instances of kids not wanting anything to do with their fathers because they've been indoctrinated into hating the "no good" dads.

IMO, the mother has an obligation to see to it that he spends time with you. He's 12, not 21. He shouldn't be making such a decision. You are both the parents, and he's old enough to be taught that everyone has obligations in this life. You have an obligation to provide for him, the mom has an obligation to NOT separate the two of you, and the kid has an obligation to spend time with you.

Good luck man.

davetherave6767 said:

fuckinghell ive been living thru this hell 4 11 years blackbob & typing this 2u is dangerous 4me cuz it opens up alot of old wounds.im only allowed 2 c my son 4 10 mins b4 & after he attends the kingdom hall.me & my then wife were in2 jehovah in a massive way problem was my wife got more in2 the organization than me.b4 eye knew it jehovah was more important 2 my wife than me?we divorced & that first year was so painful 4 me.at one point eye sold everything eye owned & was ready 2 walk in2 the kingdom hall & kill my wife & my son & anybody else who got in my way!!!!eye had planned 2 go 2 prison 4 many years.2 cut 2 the quick my wife & son became jw eye didnt,eye lost my house my son & my wife 2 jehovah so eye had 2 move on.my son doesnt want 2 c me anymore he would rather knock doors & hand out the watchtower mag.over the years the pain has gone & ive learnt 2 cope with my loss.the strange thing is the kingdom hall my son attends is only 5 mins away from where eye live,eye pass it everyday going 2 work & now eye just laugh & have a little smile.u must b strong blackbob if ur son doesnt want 2cu theres nothing u can do!!!!!!just get on with ur life bob & b happy & oneday he will come & c his dad when the time is right.ive done all my crying been thru all my pain thats what has made me the man eye am 2day!!!but eye didnt go 2 prison & didnt hurt anybody.look after urself black bob.

that is not right... how is that even possible??

what was the custody/visitiation agreement when you got divorced, can't that be enforced?

Man, I hate ppl that do that mess.. my brother got full custody of both their kids (she is a crazy bitch...) -- there have been times where he refused to talk to her (he gave her his debit card # to pay some bill, and she wiped out that account), but he never keeps the kids from her, never talks bad about her around them. He figures when they grow up, they'll see for themselves how she is.

glad you didn't hurt anyone.. hope it gets better..

[Edited 4/25/11 5:51am]

and yeah, ditto on some of that above

- he's the child; he does not get to decide

- have something cool/fun that stays at your place (hopefully something y'all can enjoy together)

- he may not be able to just bring a friend to sleep over if the other kid's parents don't know you well, but, perhaps if there's some special event -- a concert or sporting event the kids would love to attend.. maybe you can get 3 tickets so he can invite a friend along? Or a cousin.. does he have cousins his age?

and don't feel too bad; 12 & 13 are those weird transition ages; you may not be one of his fav people now.. but if you don't give up on him/maintaining the relationship, you will be later

good luck!

[Edited 4/25/11 5:45am]

xlr8r said:

veronikka said:

I don't think he is blaming his son for anything just expressing his feelings over the whole situation, nothing wrong with that!

Thanks for explaining.

Blackbob, I'm sorry that I skipped the nuances.

**I'm very sorry to hear about your feelings getting hurt so badly.

**It's great that you didn't start blaming his mother. That gives me the impression you really try to be very respectfull to her, in order to do what is in the best interest of your son.

**I'm sure you don't mean to play mind games with your kid and it is not your intention at all to make him feel guilty for choosing his own ---temporary 12-year old gratification--- over spending with you.

**It's just that it's a thin line between expressing the consequences of his decision for you (what is very valid and he can learn from it) and emotional blackmailing him into someting against his own will.

I'm sorry that I jumped to conclusions and automatically assumed that you acted according the last lines and not the first. It was the choice of the words that made me think that, as if he made you hurting and he is never in his life allowed to do that. Allthough very painfull and sad, children do that to parents. They have to, they form their own identity.

**I just assumed that you hadn't put much energy into finding out what the reasons are for you son's decision. Whilst I had no information about that. Sorry about that. And if seeing his friends is his only reason, I'm with Mach. Is there any way to combine you spending time with him and him being able to play with his friends? Can you go over there and spend a day with him? So at least you have seen him, and you both enjoyed eachother's company and he still is able to play with his friends in the weekends?

I'm sorry for my fierce respond. Wish you all the best with the whole situation. And yes, puberty is a rollercoaster for everybody involved

babynoz said:

tinaz said:

I too agree with mach... Hes 12... his friends are wayyyyy more important than his parents (in his mind) Remember being 12... I would of choosen to play with my friends rather than hang out with a parent...

As mach said, let him invite a buddy over... That should solve that problem... Its hard when you realize your babies dont wanna spend time with you anymore... First comes friends, then girls... He will come back around but it will never be the same as when he was small... Thats just a fact of life...But dont be sad by it, he still loves you but puberty is a BITCH

Yep, between the ages of 12 till around 21, parents are the lamest thing on earth. We know absolutely nothing and are only good for cash, meals and car keys.

After age 21, parents get smarter with each passing year.

All 3 wise women here.... I co-sign 1000%!!