So my wife broke the news to me yesterday, after almost 5 years of marriage and 7 years together, that she wants a divorce. I just got my VISA to move to the States to be with her and was planning to move there in a few months time. I'm crushed, confused and heartbroken. She says the visa getting approved meant she had to confront the reality of the situation - of us being together permanently - and she doesn't think she'll be happy and says I'm no longer the man she fell in love with.

I've never felt so crushed in my whole life. it's like my whole world has fallen down. There also seems to be another guy in the picture - some trainer she met at a new gym she started going to not too long ago. So no doubt he's been enforcing her doubts for his own gains and there's nothing I can do about it. It fucking sucks, I cried for hours yesterday and today and now I'm simply having to stay on anti-depressants and face the reality of the situation.

No kids involved and we did get married young - I just turned 24. So at least it won't be a complicated affair. But I was so excited to move to the States, I thought we were going to start a family and it would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. So I'm kinda feeling lost and confused about what I should do now.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even watch TV because all the shows I like, we used to watch together. So much music is off limits because I know certain songs will make me bawl and I have to try and stay positive. I know I'll make it through the other side but it's going to be very hard.

:'(

:'(

:'(

[Edited 4/25/11 19:33pm]

I am sorry to hear that. Is she not willing to do counseling?

sorry to hear this. i'm not sure what words would be comforting at this moment. i do however believe you can still get to where you want to be without her. i bet you must feel totally devasted but, you WILL get through it...and allow yourself to go through it. don't beat yourself up or question too much.

stay focused on what you want. you will be fine. hang in there.

Thanks guys. I'm just heartbroken. I didn't see this coming I thought things were finally going our way

WHAT??!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! that is truly terrible! one of the most heartbreaking things ever! especially since you got a visa to be with her!

well, just so you know if you do end up coming here, just know there are people who have your back, supporting you.

Militant said:

O honey, I'm so sorry for you.

It hurts so much, especially the first few weeks. And nothing can take the pain away.

First few months is all about surviving. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Cry your eyes out. Make sure that you:

*Shower every day.

*Eat something every day. Make a soup or any other favorite meal. It's something to do and at least you might eat something.

*Keep your house neat and clean. Every day, force yourself to tidy up your house and make sure it is clean.

*Take a walk outside for at least 30 minutes every day.

Writing really helps. Just write down all of your feelings, anger, grieve, pain, memories....just everything that comes to your mind.

Start dreaming and plotting and re-invent yourself. Write down all your dreams, needs, what makes you happy, when you would be a billionaire what would you do? Just try to figure out what kind of life you need to become happy.

-Move to LA (it's sunny overthere)

-Try a job on making documentaries about music

- Indulge yourself (only as far as you can afford!)

You will survive. I know you will, you'r too strong and positive not to bounce back from this. It's just a matter of surviving the first weeks. After a few months it already will be better compared to today. Take your time and allow yourself to bowl your eyes out.

Ask your gp for a sleeping pill

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear this

Look at it like this: You can STILL move your shit over here and the whole experience will probably provide you tons of material to write about.

dJJ said:

O honey, I'm so sorry for you.

It hurts so much, especially the first few weeks. And nothing can take the pain away.

First few months is all about surviving. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Cry your eyes out. Make sure that you:

*Shower every day.

*Eat something every day. Make a soup or any other favorite meal. It's something to do and at least you might eat something.

*Keep your house neat and clean. Every day, force yourself to tidy up your house and make sure it is clean.

*Take a walk outside for at least 30 minutes every day.

Writing really helps. Just write down all of your feelings, anger, grieve, pain, memories....just everything that comes to your mind.

Start dreaming and plotting and re-invent yourself. Write down all your dreams, needs, what makes you happy, when you would be a billionaire what would you do? Just try to figure out what kind of life you need to become happy.

-Move to LA (it's sunny overthere)

-Try a job on making documentaries about music

- Indulge yourself (only as far as you can afford!)

You will survive. I know you will, you'r too strong and positive not to bounce back from this. It's just a matter of surviving the first weeks. After a few months it already will be better compared to today. Take your time and allow yourself to bowl your eyes out.

Ask your gp for a sleeping pill

Great advice... except maybe for the "move to LA" piece, I think. That's really expensive!

Militant, are you working such that you'd be able to support yourself solo if you move to the U.S.?

...I am sorry, BTW. The pain of a breakup can be among the toughest to deal with. But be strong. You apparently have a lot going for you. Your life hasn't fallen apart, just plans.

[Edited 4/25/11 19:18pm]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out again

Lammastide - couldn't support myself solo but could possibly live with family for a while if I chose to go that route. The other option is going to school because my father always said if I wanted to go to university he would help me to pay for it and I never took him up on the offer. So that's an option too.

The only thing is that I assume a divorce will invalidate my visa. So, I really don't know what to do. I may go over and visit family for at least a few months - and at least if I were to do that, I might be able to find some work for a while, and then if I did find some good work I would be in a position for an employment visa. I have options, but right now I can't even really think too seriously about any of them.

Going for lunch with my dad tomorrow. Hopefully that will help.

crap!!

It's not just herself she is taking out of your equation, it's all your future dreams and plans as you saw them.

It's great to hear that you get support from your dad.

I was just brainstorming. There is no way that you can make decisions right now, can you? Just write them all down. Later on, when the first horror of pain is over, you can start to seriously weigh all your options and do some reality check on your plans.

Evaluate it by the time you know you are a little bit back on your feet and that you have learned the lessons you had ot learn. Than, you are as free as a bird, so almost every plan is an option. The whole world is your playground.

For now, just go with the flow and sit through the first week.

again, lots of love and hugging sending towards you

fucking hell.

I saw mine coming when it happened. I still remember feeling lost. I'm not even sure

if lost is enough of a word to encompass the feeling. But in hindsight, I realize we

were only together because I was already lost to begin with.

I don't know your situation, nor can I tell you it gets better. I've known people

were it got better in just a few months (like me), and then I know people who

took years.

All I can say is that pain is unavoidable. No distractions minimize it. Only time.

Also, talk to somebody....AND OFTEN.

Had I not had some close friends to include Muse (Karen) it would have been

quite lonely.

I read earlier how you were having a hard time and was so hoping this would not be the situation that was bringing you down

WOW!

That's FUCKED up man.

But you know we got your back, it'll be alright.

Human nature sucks

And by human nature I mean your wife

That majorly sucks big time.

ParanoidAndroid said:

It's because of your new hairdo, isn't it? The same thing happened to me few years ago with my first wife, I know how much it hurts

What? You had a new hairdo and she filed for divorce for that?

dJJ said:

So sad for you man, keep busy and try and surround yourself with friends and family.It's hard but try not to contact her all the time, she will see you as a helpless puppy and not a man.

Crying is perfectly natural, but in the next few days focus on something and go for it.One way or the other you will come out of this a stronger person.Lay off the drink"it makes things worse"...