WaterInYourBath said:

JustErin said:

Ok, so instead of looking at yourself and saying, "what am I doing that is not attracting a guy who wants to be with me?", you're pointing fingers saying, "What's wrong with all these guys and why are they not wanting to be with me or girls that I believe are as good as me?"

I dunno, I'm not trying to be mean here but our opinions of ourselves are not always the same as other's opinions of us. We might think we've got it all figured out, that we are the perfect package when really, we're not so much.

I'm not saying that we need to totally blame ourselves for not getting what we want but I don't think that saying it's everyone else's fault or that men don't want "good women" is a tad silly and probably won't change our situations in the long run.

I’m sorry, (this isn’t aimed totally at you, since others have said it too) but that line reminds me of the type of "advice" psuedo-psychologist Tyra Banks used to tell her guests on her old talk show. It’s always something internally wrong with “you” instead of people just recognizing that the basics of attraction are a matter of human nature: Regarding the initial stage of romance, you like what you like looking at. Mental and emotional characteristics are secondary, and then later stages are when you really start knowing the person. Period. Sure, there are people who are exceptions to this rule (people who genuinely aren’t concerned with looks, desperate settlers, non-loving lechers, gold-diggers, etc). Nonetheless, this can be said for majority of men and women looking for a romantic relationship, whether people want to admit/affirm that or not.

And I’m not implying that just because a person you meet and desire doesn’t show interest in return means that you are not attractive. I’m not saying that at all. It just indicates that you are not attractive to that particular person, which is not a negative reflection of who you are nor your physical appearance. So really, there is no need for any self-evaluation of "what am I doing wrong" when speaking about why you can’t attain a man you've just met and currently want, ‘cause you’re not doing anything wrong (well, unless you have some type of hygiene/grooming problems, lol). It’s really not him either. It’s just the attraction is not mutual, and that’s out of our control. You can’t “fix yourself” with the intent to force someone you've just met to love/want you. I mean, think of it the opposite way: The same can be said for a guy you've encountered who was a “good guy” with “good” mental/emotional attributes who sincerely wanted your attention, but you could not reciprocate, and would not, no matter what he did. Why? 'Cause you were not attracted to his face, or size, or age, or some significant physical feature, which prevented you from ever being interested in him as a whole, thus blocking romantic feelings. I know that’s harsh, but, well, it’s what I find to be the truth.

Another example: A girl/woman can be the most intelligent, most skillful, kind, cool, modest, successful, loyal, helpful, etc, etc, partner a dude could have, all the while being honestly acclaimed by everyone around her that she's also one of the "most gorgeous" females, physically, they've ever seen. The whole package, right? She hears it constantly. But if she encounters a “good” man she looks at as being gorgeous, who she would like to share love with, yet he does not agree that she's the best thing he's ever seen, he will not be interested in being her boyfriend/husband, regardless of how fantastic she is overall. They could have everything in common, but it still will not work (unless he has deception or desperation in mind). That's why you see those nice looking "good guys" seriously involved with women deemed average, or mentally/emotionally inept "trophies": Bottom line (majority of the time), primarily, they like the way those women look, and apparently, appreciate other aspects about them as well, whatever they may be. I think it’s better to accept this than feeling rejection/low self-confidence or despair. I say, as I've learned, know your own high worth, never comply with what you don't truly want, do not fear solitude, and remember that maybe eventually you’ll meet your 100% type of man who honestly considers you as his 100% type of woman (with "type" including all 3 aspects: physical, mental, emotional), and all will be nice (at least in the beginning. Long-term, well, that’s an entirely different story, lol). That's what I go by. ....

Have you stop to think that Tyra has a point? Human attraction is natural, but it takes more than that. Look at Halle Berry for an example. Very attractive woman, but been through a lot of failed relationships and all. Something is wrong with her, and you know what? She admitted having a mouth on her, and having abandonment issues. I read this awhile back, and wish I could think of where I read it. Look at all the vile stuff she said to her baby father. If she can work on her mouth, then she can have a meaningful relationship.

Women are never going to fully understand men, no matter how hard they try. That said, not every man is going to think the same or make the same decisions as another. You have to weed through the rotten apples to find an edible one. Their outward appearance may not reflect who they really are as a man, as well. Taking time to peel back the layers may prove beneficial to see a person's true colours -- for the good, and the bad. Also, people change with age and personal experiences. The jerk/player who was a hot mess in college, could turn out to be a caring, family man in his 30s.

You cannot blame a man for whom he chooses to take into his heart, marriage or not. People have their reasons for everything they do -- and although some may prove to be snakes in the grass, doing things out of vanity or otherwise, alot are not. What people percieve in the outside world may not be what goes on in the home or relationship. You cannot so quickly assume that just because you do not deem a woman fit for a particular man, they should feel the same. No one can say whether someone gives a "rat's ass" or not -- because they are not coming from the mind, heart, or soul of the other person in question.

You beautiful and intelligent, though in your early 20s, the likelyhood of finding your Prince Charming is going to be slim. Enjoy life and enjoy your youth. When the right man comes around, you'll know.

Acrylic said:

Women are never going to fully understand men, no matter how hard they try. That said, not every man is going to think the same or make the same decisions as another. You have to weed through the rotten apples to find an edible one. Their outward appearance may not reflect who they really are as a man, as well. Taking time to peel back the layers may prove beneficial to see a person's true colours -- for the good, and the bad. Also, people change with age and personal experiences. The jerk/player who was a hot mess in college, could turn out to be a caring, family man in his 30s.

You cannot blame a man for whom he chooses to take into his heart, marriage or not. People have their reasons for everything they do -- and although some may prove to be snakes in the grass, doing things out of vanity or otherwise, alot are not. What people percieve in the outside world may not be what goes on in the home or relationship. You cannot so quickly assume that just because you do not deem a woman fit for a particular man, they should feel the same. No one can say whether someone gives a "rat's ass" or not -- because they are not coming from the mind, heart, or soul of the other person in question.

You beautiful and intelligent, though in your early 20s, the likelyhood of finding your Prince Charming is going to be slim. Enjoy life and enjoy your youth. When the right man comes around, you'll know.

prince charming is likely to turn up when you are in your 40s and married already so don't even stress about it now, you have plenty of time!

ZombieKitten said:

Acrylic said:

Women are never going to fully understand men, no matter how hard they try. That said, not every man is going to think the same or make the same decisions as another. You have to weed through the rotten apples to find an edible one. Their outward appearance may not reflect who they really are as a man, as well. Taking time to peel back the layers may prove beneficial to see a person's true colours -- for the good, and the bad. Also, people change with age and personal experiences. The jerk/player who was a hot mess in college, could turn out to be a caring, family man in his 30s.

You cannot blame a man for whom he chooses to take into his heart, marriage or not. People have their reasons for everything they do -- and although some may prove to be snakes in the grass, doing things out of vanity or otherwise, alot are not. What people percieve in the outside world may not be what goes on in the home or relationship. You cannot so quickly assume that just because you do not deem a woman fit for a particular man, they should feel the same. No one can say whether someone gives a "rat's ass" or not -- because they are not coming from the mind, heart, or soul of the other person in question.

You beautiful and intelligent, though in your early 20s, the likelyhood of finding your Prince Charming is going to be slim. Enjoy life and enjoy your youth. When the right man comes around, you'll know.

prince charming is likely to turn up when you are in your 40s and married already so don't even stress about it now, you have plenty of time!

Yous two

You're both right. I know it takes time for these young bucks to mature up. Currently, my infatuation of sorts is with an older man. I mean in his 30's. He's single, mature, brilliant, and hardworking. He also happens to be super adorable. I admire him a lot, and he seems to be fond of me. Just I wouldn't know how to approach the topic. It's all very complicated. But hey, I'd settle for good friends if nothing else can come of it.

I appreciate the advice. And Mrs. Kitten, is that how you met your Prince charming?

JustErin said:

SherryJackson said:

Eh.

I'm afraid, my friends, I've made some bad generalizations. Moment of frustration I guess.

Mods, y'all can this now...

Erin, my final say to you would be I wrote this because these are observations Kida and I noticed with men men in our lives (w/ some exceptions). I don't mean to insult or piss off women in meaningful relationships.

Hey, I'm not married and I'm probably not even considered a good woman by most...I was just giving you a chance to explain before the shit storm hit.

[Edited 4/13/11 17:21pm]

What yo name is?

SherryJackson said:

Fauxie said:

Do you have as much to offer as you think you do? Sounds mean so instead, is what you have to offer what the men you're attracted to are looking for? If it were, surely you'd not have this problem, if indeed it's a significant trend (enough to start a thread about) and not just down to being quite young and not meeting the right guy yet.

If you're happy as you are, doing what you do (being a nice person, studying hard etc.), and you see that as being a 'good woman' and the person you want to be, then keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about everything else. Maybe you'll meet a great guy and fall in love.

Well, ain't that a kick in the head. After I gave you love on the photo thread.

But I think you're prolly right. I'm young, but I feel more mature despite my age, and am more well-rounded than most 21 year olds. So is KidaDynamite. Guess that's why I expect a better reception when it comes to men.

Well, if being sweet and kind, loving and hardworking, and mature (and I'm sure there are more) isn't the characteristics of a good woman, what is?

[Edited 4/14/11 18:08pm]

Sounds like your age is the problem. Guys you're age aren't likely quite looking to settle down.

In a few years they may circle back to you. You could probably find an older husband, still in his 20's who'd be likely ready to work on something leading to long term.

Sounds like you're just ready before your peers. Someone has to be first.

SherryJackson said:

ZombieKitten said:

prince charming is likely to turn up when you are in your 40s and married already so don't even stress about it now, you have plenty of time!

Yous two

You're both right. I know it takes time for these young bucks to mature up. Currently, my infatuation of sorts is with an older man. I mean in his 30's. He's single, mature, brilliant, and hardworking. He also happens to be super adorable. I admire him a lot, and he seems to be fond of me. Just I wouldn't know how to approach the topic. It's all very complicated. But hey, I'd settle for good friends if nothing else can come of it.

I appreciate the advice. And Mrs. Kitten, is that how you met your Prince charming?

I met the love of my life in a public library. We were 14 years apart and became best friends.

SUPRMAN said:

SherryJackson said:

Yous two

You're both right. I know it takes time for these young bucks to mature up. Currently, my infatuation of sorts is with an older man. I mean in his 30's. He's single, mature, brilliant, and hardworking. He also happens to be super adorable. I admire him a lot, and he seems to be fond of me. Just I wouldn't know how to approach the topic. It's all very complicated. But hey, I'd settle for good friends if nothing else can come of it.

I appreciate the advice. And Mrs. Kitten, is that how you met your Prince charming?

I met the love of my life in a public library. We were 14 years apart and became best friends.

I'm happy for you, Suprman!

angel345 said:

WaterInYourBath said:

I’m sorry, (this isn’t aimed totally at you, since others have said it too) but that line reminds me of the type of "advice" psuedo-psychologist Tyra Banks used to tell her guests on her old talk show. It’s always something internally wrong with “you” instead of people just recognizing that the basics of attraction are a matter of human nature: Regarding the initial stage of romance, you like what you like looking at. Mental and emotional characteristics are secondary, and then later stages are when you really start knowing the person. Period. Sure, there are people who are exceptions to this rule (people who genuinely aren’t concerned with looks, desperate settlers, non-loving lechers, gold-diggers, etc). Nonetheless, this can be said for majority of men and women looking for a romantic relationship, whether people want to admit/affirm that or not.

And I’m not implying that just because a person you meet and desire doesn’t show interest in return means that you are not attractive. I’m not saying that at all. It just indicates that you are not attractive to that particular person, which is not a negative reflection of who you are nor your physical appearance. So really, there is no need for any self-evaluation of "what am I doing wrong" when speaking about why you can’t attain a man you've just met and currently want, ‘cause you’re not doing anything wrong (well, unless you have some type of hygiene/grooming problems, lol). It’s really not him either. It’s just the attraction is not mutual, and that’s out of our control. You can’t “fix yourself” with the intent to force someone you've just met to love/want you. I mean, think of it the opposite way: The same can be said for a guy you've encountered who was a “good guy” with “good” mental/emotional attributes who sincerely wanted your attention, but you could not reciprocate, and would not, no matter what he did. Why? 'Cause you were not attracted to his face, or size, or age, or some significant physical feature, which prevented you from ever being interested in him as a whole, thus blocking romantic feelings. I know that’s harsh, but, well, it’s what I find to be the truth.

Another example: A girl/woman can be the most intelligent, most skillful, kind, cool, modest, successful, loyal, helpful, etc, etc, partner a dude could have, all the while being honestly acclaimed by everyone around her that she's also one of the "most gorgeous" females, physically, they've ever seen. The whole package, right? She hears it constantly. But if she encounters a “good” man she looks at as being gorgeous, who she would like to share love with, yet he does not agree that she's the best thing he's ever seen, he will not be interested in being her boyfriend/husband, regardless of how fantastic she is overall. They could have everything in common, but it still will not work (unless he has deception or desperation in mind). That's why you see those nice looking "good guys" seriously involved with women deemed average, or mentally/emotionally inept "trophies": Bottom line (majority of the time), primarily, they like the way those women look, and apparently, appreciate other aspects about them as well, whatever they may be. I think it’s better to accept this than feeling rejection/low self-confidence or despair. I say, as I've learned, know your own high worth, never comply with what you don't truly want, do not fear solitude, and remember that maybe eventually you’ll meet your 100% type of man who honestly considers you as his 100% type of woman (with "type" including all 3 aspects: physical, mental, emotional), and all will be nice (at least in the beginning. Long-term, well, that’s an entirely different story, lol). That's what I go by. ....

Have you stop to think that Tyra has a point? Human attraction is natural, but it takes more than that. Look at Halle Berry for an example. Very attractive woman, but been through a lot of failed relationships and all. Something is wrong with her, and you know what? She admitted having a mouth on her, and having abandonment issues. I read this awhile back, and wish I could think of where I read it. Look at all the vile stuff she said to her baby father. If she can work on her mouth, then she can have a meaningful relationship.

I understand what you're saying, as Halle had problems in the long-term with her men after years of being with them, which could have been as a result of her personality, but that is not the aspect of romantic relationships I was referring to. I was talking about the primary, "just met" attraction stage that is being discussed, as I stated. That part, at least, has worked out pretty well for her, lol. Like I said, maintenance of a relationship that is able to start is a totally different issue.

SherryJackson said:

WaterInYourBath said:

angel345 said:

Have you stop to think that Tyra has a point? Human attraction is natural, but it takes more than that. Look at Halle Berry for an example. Very attractive woman, but been through a lot of failed relationships and all. Something is wrong with her, and you know what? She admitted having a mouth on her, and having abandonment issues. I read this awhile back, and wish I could think of where I read it. Look at all the vile stuff she said to her baby father. If she can work on her mouth, then she can have a meaningful relationship.

I understand what you're saying, as Halle had problems in the long-term with her men after years of being with them, which could have been as a result of her personality, but that is not the aspect of romantic relationships I was referring to. I was talking about the primary, "just met" attraction stage that is being discussed, as I stated. That part, at least, has worked out pretty well for her, lol. Like I said, maintenance of a relationship that is able to start is a totally different issue.

Oh yeah, folks are going to put their best foot forward to impress you

generalization (noun): an idea or statement about all of the members of a group or all the instances of a situation

A link to this thread should forever be included with all definitions of that word.

And so should that other one.

[Edited 4/19/11 19:58pm]

i liked this forum better when it was less sanctimonious.

whistle said:

i liked this forum better when it was less sanctimonious.

Word.

Five syllables even.