For those of you that are keeping up with the continued saga of the destruction of Gotta, here's the latest. On Tuesday, my wife e-mailed me and told me she was going out with some friends for supper. She was going to go out Sunday night but they cancelled so of course I say cool and I go pick up my daughter from her dance class. Well my mother-in-law says she'll take my older daughter from dance so I take my younger daughter home and, long story short, we are in the driveway and I see my wife's car coming down the road. Then all of the sudden it started going in reverse really fast and sped away and me and my daughter are wondering what the hell is going on. So I call my wife and she doesn't answer and then then she calls me a few minutes later and says she left her bank card at the restaurant, freaked out, etc. I don't believe a word of it and she can tell so she comes home and asks if i will go upstairs for a minute and I say sure and she says that she had been texting someone over the last three weeks and was going to meet with him but she changed her mind and told him she couldn't do it and that she didn't want to talk to him anymore. It turns out the guy she was texting was the project manager for repairing our house when it caught fire two years ago.

Apparently he e-mailed her at her school three weeks ago and she said she wanted to ignore it but that she innocently texted back. Then apparently it escalated and got a bit racier (don't know what she said, everything is deleted) Then they were going to meet in the parking lot of the flea market, I'm assuming to set up a date and that's when she changed her mind.

I have given my wife absolute hell for this for two days. We are on the brink of our house being auctioned and she does this. And I hated this guy two years ago when I thought he was inappropriately contacting her at that point during the job. She does this with someone I consider to be a mortal enemy. I berated her for hours, got horrendously drunk after the girls went to bed, and spent the next several hours singing inappropriate lyrics. Then I slept in my chair, the first time I had not slept in my bed in 13 years.

Yesterday was a little bit better but not much. I had and have so many questions. Did she initiate it or did he? How explicit was it? How close did she come to meeting him or did she actually? How far would it have gone?

This guy is the opposite of me. He's dumb as rocks but he's got muscles and a tat. I know that appeals to some ladies but if that is what she wants why did she marry me. Repeatedly over the last few days she says she chooses me, that she will not contact him. She has apologized repeatedly. I believe it is contrite and today was better but every time I think of what he might have e-mailed I get so angry that I cannot think straight. Today I decided we should move on but its going to be hard to forget. And my hatred for him is intense.

Anyone in a relationship had something like this happen? Is this a blip, caused by an intensely stressful life that both of us are experiencing, or should I be on constant guard now? Can I trust her or should I check her e-mails, ask who she's texting, basically smother her into the dude's arms?

To my wife's credit, she let me write the ass an e-mail which basically told him to leave this married woman with two children alone. The e-mail was contained anger and I would have loved to unleash rage on this motherf_cker but I restrained myself as best I could. He has not emailed back ( didn't expect him to) but part of me wants him to. I want to destroy his business, his reputation, and punch him out. Of course, I would probably end up in the hospital but it would be worth it.

Anyway, I'm still feeling like Job right now and praying that something, anything turns around.

So Org, any thoughts?

[Edited 3/31/11 19:03pm]

call the restaurant and see if someone picked up her bankcard... case closed.

sorry to hear you're having troubles man...

If you're gonna let it go with your wife, you need to do the same with him. Drop all that desire to destroy him and such. In all honesty, most of the blame lies with her regardless of who initiated. It's on her to either not initiate or decline the invitation. She's the one that's married. She disrespected your relationship moreso than he did.

Hearing that probably does not help, but it is the truth. Dude didn't swear any vows to you.

Kidnap the children and move to Mexico.

minneapolisFunq said:

Kidnap the children and move to Mexico.

That's the first time I have laughed in three days!

damn.

at such a difficult time in your life, you would think you would have more support from your spouse.

I'm not going to give opinion on what to do concerning your wife and your marriage, I don't really have the right to.

I would, however, put that muscle and tatoo having family wrecker firmly in the hospital. Your wife has her part, surely, but dude is obviously a piece of shit.

don't give up buddy.

GOOD LORD-A-MERCY....!! smh, dontcha get tired of this double sided ish....The bible says( and dont turn away) that a three fold cord is not easily broken, but the devil cant seem to get away...he needs some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUUUUUUUUGH!

Aren't you exhausted....life is so short to go through this bullshit..wife, mother, father, children, whomever...enough is enough...Never let outsiders know how bad your household is, that is strickly between you and yours, The guy she's tricking with has nothing to do with you, your wife gave him the OK. His muscles, tatoos none of that shit matter's, beating his ass doesn't matter you're worried about the wrong things!!!!!!!!!!! belittling your wife through songs and calling her names...its time to GO! Trust me your children hear and see all! they feel the tention and anger in the household...its only a matter of time before one of you straight snap you've been at this to long not to. I have to say this! there is way more to this than you're admitting...and that's cool. I feel for you, cause we all go through trying times; but there are (3) sides to this story...Yours, Hers, and the in between TRUTH. My advise to you...take it for what it's worth....and I know you know look at your screen name....Take your losses, make sure your wife and kids are safe, let the cars, house, everything go, and leave get some air away, before you kill someone....Your children are suffering and it's sad. Material things you can regain. Find yourself and some inner peace. I swear to God, I rather be alone with a peace of mind, than to be miserable living in confussion!!!!!

Thanks for the responses so far. I should probably explain something now. I have a lot of acquaintances and some casual friends but not a lot of close friends. Between working really hard and trying to give to my family everything I can, there is not time. So I am so sorry for putting this on y'all but I'll be honest, I don't really have anybody else. I consider y'all to be good anonymous friends, confessors, confidantes, and boosters of support. I can't afford therapy so I come to the Org. Used to be the occasional thing (ie accidentally wearing maternity pants to work). Now it's my whole life that feels to be unravelling.

That being said I do love my wife and she is contrite. She's not exactly saying what I want her to say right now, maybe I want her to feel worse, maybe I want to say that she made the worst mistake of her life, I don't really know what I want to hear. But in the end, I can tell she is sorry and I know that what our life has become was a contributing factor.

I worry about my girls and the stress they feel from us but I will say that other than my daughter's sleeping problem that seem to be happy and well-adjusted.

By the end of April, my life is going to be completely different. And that is a sad thing in a way and maybe not such a bad thing in the other. Okay its horrible to do it this way but we'll have to make lemonade out of lemons.

As far as the jackass who communicated with my wife, I know it takes two to tango but honestly an electrician who goes around and macks on married clients...there are not words for how much of a loser he is. But as I am never going to see him or interact with him, I will hope the e-mail I sent him yesterday telling him to move conveyed the message.

Again I thank you Org for being my "Sex in the City" pals that I can sit at the diner with and moan about my life.

Words from complete, anonymous strangers can sometimes be just as comforting as those of a therapist or close friend.

Some of us have a hard time opening up and spilling our guts to friends and family. Once you get the nerve to do it - especially after practicing on the Org - it'll feel more natural to confide in a parent, sibling or good friend.

Don't apologize. But find a therapist. Go for yourself and go with your wife. There are always deeper reasons for infidelity. If you truly don't know those reasons, then make it a point to find out. Mr. Muscles wouldn't be appealing if she weren't unhappy.

Good luck man...I'm praying for you.

GottaLetitgo said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I should probably explain something now. I have a lot of acquaintances and some casual friends but not a lot of close friends. Between working really hard and trying to give to my family everything I can, there is not time. So I am so sorry for putting this on y'all but I'll be honest, I don't really have anybody else. I consider y'all to be good anonymous friends, confessors, confidantes, and boosters of support. I can't afford therapy so I come to the Org. Used to be the occasional thing (ie accidentally wearing maternity pants to work). Now it's my whole life that feels to be unravelling.

That being said I do love my wife and she is contrite. She's not exactly saying what I want her to say right now, maybe I want her to feel worse, maybe I want to say that she made the worst mistake of her life, I don't really know what I want to hear. But in the end, I can tell she is sorry and I know that what our life has become was a contributing factor.

I worry about my girls and the stress they feel from us but I will say that other than my daughter's sleeping problem that seem to be happy and well-adjusted.

By the end of April, my life is going to be completely different. And that is a sad thing in a way and maybe not such a bad thing in the other. Okay its horrible to do it this way but we'll have to make lemonade out of lemons.

As far as the jackass who communicated with my wife, I know it takes two to tango but honestly an electrician who goes around and macks on married clients...there are not words for how much of a loser he is. But as I am never going to see him or interact with him, I will hope the e-mail I sent him yesterday telling him to move conveyed the message.

Again I thank you Org for being my "Sex in the City" pals that I can sit at the diner with and moan about my life.

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this has happened! There is no "good" time for something like this to happen, but NOW?

I have ZERO idea how I would handle this situation if it were me.

GottaLetitgo said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I should probably explain something now. I have a lot of acquaintances and some casual friends but not a lot of close friends. Between working really hard and trying to give to my family everything I can, there is not time. So I am so sorry for putting this on y'all but I'll be honest, I don't really have anybody else. I consider y'all to be good anonymous friends, confessors, confidantes, and boosters of support. I can't afford therapy so I come to the Org. Used to be the occasional thing (ie accidentally wearing maternity pants to work). Now it's my whole life that feels to be unravelling.

That being said I do love my wife and she is contrite. She's not exactly saying what I want her to say right now, maybe I want her to feel worse, maybe I want to say that she made the worst mistake of her life, I don't really know what I want to hear. But in the end, I can tell she is sorry and I know that what our life has become was a contributing factor.

I worry about my girls and the stress they feel from us but I will say that other than my daughter's sleeping problem that seem to be happy and well-adjusted.

By the end of April, my life is going to be completely different. And that is a sad thing in a way and maybe not such a bad thing in the other. Okay its horrible to do it this way but we'll have to make lemonade out of lemons.

As far as the jackass who communicated with my wife, I know it takes two to tango but honestly an electrician who goes around and macks on married clients...there are not words for how much of a loser he is. But as I am never going to see him or interact with him, I will hope the e-mail I sent him yesterday telling him to move conveyed the message.

Again I thank you Org for being my "Sex in the City" pals that I can sit at the diner with and moan about my life.

Well if his firm has a website I would comment on there that he should not be around married women . . .

FauxReal said:

If you're gonna let it go with your wife, you need to do the same with him. Drop all that desire to destroy him and such. In all honesty, most of the blame lies with her regardless of who initiated. It's on her to either not initiate or decline the invitation. She's the one that's married. She disrespected your relationship moreso than he did.

Hearing that probably does not help, but it is the truth. Dude didn't swear any vows to you.

He was, however, in Gotta's house and knew that she was married and had young children.

He's a fucking scumbag and anyone would feel violated and aggressed upon by him. I'm definitely not advocating violence or anything. Not even saying that forgetting about him is a bad idea. I just don't know how possible it is given the gravity of the insult. Just saying that I get it, Gotta.

It's a riddle why all these bad things happen in a row. Only a few years later you'll know why it all had to happen. In the middle of the storm there seems no way out.

For now it's just surviving until one day you notice you'r alife and actually have fun at living.

Now I'll just give my opinion, not based on anything, so take it with a a lot of salt:

Somehow I get the feeling you don't hold your wife responsible for anything.

Why? Is she herself not capable of working and taking care of some income for her family? And is she not capable of understanding that you and her children deserve better then her cheating life style? I'm sorry, I don't buy her story of it just going on for a few weeks, nothing happened. She knows the guy for a couple of years now....

Did you allways liked the idea that she was dependant and did you somehow encourage her not to be self reliant? Did you treat her as if she's not an adult person and not capable of being hold responsible for anything she does?

And why is it nice of her that she 'lets you' write an e-mail?

Was you daughter's sleeping problem related to some secret about her mom she had to keep?

most importantly:

If your marriage is going to work, and you want to be happy, you have to let this go. Not saying to forget, but you have to forgive your wife. The dude is inconsequencial.

Sometimes it takes a close call to awaken your senses and come to terms with what is important to you. Hopefully, she does now.

It can work...speaking from experience here. We went thru some unnecessary shit for awhile and have come thru it ok.

Best of luck to you...whatever the outcome, the most important part is for you to be happy.

My happiness comes from making my wife and kids smile...

Revolution said:

If your marriage is going to work, and you want to be happy, you have to let this go. Not saying to forget, but you have to forgive your wife. The dude is inconsequencial.

Sometimes it takes a close call to awaken your senses and come to terms with what is important to you. Hopefully, she does now.

It can work...speaking from experience here. We went thru some unnecessary shit for awhile and have come thru it ok.

Best of luck to you...whatever the outcome, the most important part is for you to be happy.

My happiness comes from making my wife and kids smile...

I like this

people do a lot of dumb things in times of crisis

When you get sick of feeling the way your situation makes you feel, something different can feel like a lifeline, or at very least pleasant distraction.

yeah if you do trust her and want to make it work, then you have to forgive her and move on

everyone's human, and we have to decide every day to be faithful. It's like being in AA. You want to drink, it is part of your nature, but you stick to the program because its better for your life

that might not sound very romantic, but I don't believe that addicition of lust goes away just because you love your partner.

so people will be tempted, and sometimes they will succumb, but not always.

and even if they do...I think SOME couples can get past it because deep down we know that it's natural to want other people and it's a huge sacrifice (one that brings blessings) to commit to one person

PunkMistress said:

FauxReal said:

If you're gonna let it go with your wife, you need to do the same with him. Drop all that desire to destroy him and such. In all honesty, most of the blame lies with her regardless of who initiated. It's on her to either not initiate or decline the invitation. She's the one that's married. She disrespected your relationship moreso than he did.

Hearing that probably does not help, but it is the truth. Dude didn't swear any vows to you.

He was, however, in Gotta's house and knew that she was married and had young children.

He's a fucking scumbag and anyone would feel violated and aggressed upon by him. I'm definitely not advocating violence or anything. Not even saying that forgetting about him is a bad idea. I just don't know how possible it is given the gravity of the insult. Just saying that I get it, Gotta.

Not saying the dude isn't. Yes he definitely wronged Gotta, but I would say his own wife did even moreso. If one of those in the relationship doesn't respect it, what's to make someone outside of the relationship do so? Nobody likes to say or hear that though because it's not encouraging.

Basically, I think the greater disrespect came from his wife.

I haven't read all your threads but whatever you do, don't do anything that will put you in jail or any way jeapordize your relationship with your kids. Beating this guy up - in the long run - is only going the make matters worse for you, not him. From what I've read so far, she may or may not keep her relationship with him, but you beating him up won't change that either.

The most important relationship you need to protect at this point is the one with your kids. Be the better person and keep your head straight. The truth will come out in the end between you and your wife, and nothing you do will likely change the outcome unfortuneately, so I feel for you. But your kids are the ones who could be really really hurt in all of this.

If they see you fighting, if they see or hear about you beating someone up, if they get put in the middle of this in any way - you will never forgive yourself. They don't need to know anything about it from you. No matter how bad you feel, or how your wife is acting, they should never hear what happened. It's not their problem, it's between you and your wife.

I can't imagine what you're going thru, but try to pray about it. Sometimes a little prayer for the ppl involved - even your wife or - dare i say - this guy, can take the anger and pain out of a situation and give you perspective. I wish you well.

Here's a new problem for ya, fuckin with a dude who was fuckin 3 other chicks...who did i fuck over in my life to deserve that shyt!!! I didnt have a problem dumpin old buddy cause that's the same damn reason i got rid of my ex...but its his goddamned families fault! They called me all sorts of whores and every one of the whores he was with never had the decency to say no to his charming azz. fuck that! I appreciate them being nice to me when i was his wife, even tho i knew every one of those tricks were lyin to me and just wanted me to clean up their bullshyt. but now??? fuck that. It was personally embarrassing to go out in public alone, when i knew he was wining and dining some other trick, and fucking her, the jump off and me??? and i yet took care of myself...fuck men folk.

NDRU said:

yeah if you do trust her and want to make it work, then you have to forgive her and move on

everyone's human, and we have to decide every day to be faithful. It's like being in AA. You want to drink, it is part of your nature, but you stick to the program because its better for your life

that might not sound very romantic, but I don't believe that addicition of lust goes away just because you love your partner.

so people will be tempted, and sometimes they will succumb, but not always.

and even if they do...I think SOME couples can get past it because deep down we know that it's natural to want other people and it's a huge sacrifice (one that brings blessings) to commit to one person

This is interesting to me. I definitely see what you're saying, but I'm glad I don't relate. It's not a daily struggle for me to not fuck people who are not my husband.

FauxReal said:

PunkMistress said:

He was, however, in Gotta's house and knew that she was married and had young children.

He's a fucking scumbag and anyone would feel violated and aggressed upon by him. I'm definitely not advocating violence or anything. Not even saying that forgetting about him is a bad idea. I just don't know how possible it is given the gravity of the insult. Just saying that I get it, Gotta.

Not saying the dude isn't. Yes he definitely wronged Gotta, but I would say his own wife did even moreso. If one of those in the relationship doesn't respect it, what's to make someone outside of the relationship do so? Nobody likes to say or hear that though because it's not encouraging.

Basically, I think the greater disrespect came from his wife.

I agree with this.

so sorry that you're going through this difficult time! i wouldn't trust her after this, once trust is broken, i don't know if anything can ever be the same again? i get the feeling there is a lot more to her story than what she is telling you.

i don't know what else to say other than

perhaps your wife was feeling ignored and lonely and had poor self image because of the financial difficulties you're going through. then, this "hunk" starts paying attention to her, and she feels a little better about herself, and the problems become secondary because the fantasies of the "affair" become focus of all her attention..not only thinking about him, but in the day to day coverup so that you don't find out about it. To her credit, she's not being defensive about it.

it doesn't matter what this guy looks like, what he does...it's the fact that it was a threat to your partnership at a time when you least needed one.

put yourself in her place for a moment.....you made a terrible mistake at the worst time. would you want her to forgive you?

would you want her to work things out with you?...your answer should determine how you treat her. certainly you'll both need some kind of couples therapy, and it will take months for her to gain your trust again. Does she want to earn that trust? if so, you're a fortunate man, because that means that despite all, she still believes in you, and that's a foundation you can build on. the mortar will be communication.

PunkMistress said:

NDRU said:

yeah if you do trust her and want to make it work, then you have to forgive her and move on

everyone's human, and we have to decide every day to be faithful. It's like being in AA. You want to drink, it is part of your nature, but you stick to the program because its better for your life

that might not sound very romantic, but I don't believe that addicition of lust goes away just because you love your partner.

so people will be tempted, and sometimes they will succumb, but not always.

and even if they do...I think SOME couples can get past it because deep down we know that it's natural to want other people and it's a huge sacrifice (one that brings blessings) to commit to one person

This is interesting to me. I definitely see what you're saying, but I'm glad I don't relate. It's not a daily struggle for me to not fuck people who are not my husband.

Yeah, when I'm in a relationship I don't find it a daily struggle either.

BlackAdder7 said:

perhaps your wife was feeling ignored and lonely and had poor self image because of the financial difficulties you're going through. then, this "hunk" starts paying attention to her, and she feels a little better about herself, and the problems become secondary because the fantasies of the "affair" become focus of all her attention..not only thinking about him, but in the day to day coverup so that you don't find out about it. To her credit, she's not being defensive about it.

it doesn't matter what this guy looks like, what he does...it's the fact that it was a threat to your partnership at a time when you least needed one.

put yourself in her place for a moment.....you made a terrible mistake at the worst time. would you want her to forgive you?

would you want her to work things out with you?...your answer should determine how you treat her. certainly you'll both need some kind of couples therapy, and it will take months for her to gain your trust again. Does she want to earn that trust? if so, you're a fortunate man, because that means that despite all, she still believes in you, and that's a foundation you can build on. the mortar will be communication.

SUPRMAN said:

PunkMistress said:

This is interesting to me. I definitely see what you're saying, but I'm glad I don't relate. It's not a daily struggle for me to not fuck people who are not my husband.

Yeah, when I'm in a relationship I don't find it a daily struggle either.

To me it's so simple...once cheating becomes a daily struggle, then there IS NO RELATIONSHIP.

If Gotta's wife breaks it off and decides to mend the relationship, then there is hope.