Cerebus said:

CarrieMpls said:

Well, if you're saying they all contain game playing, lying and/or half truths and folks are unhappy, I'd just call that "bad". So, in essence, you're saying yes.

I never said all. I rarely speak in absolutes. You asked, "Are most people's relationships that bad?", and I answered.

I've explained this in other threads before, I think even in one of yours - I don't believe human beings are meant to stay together their entire lives. Very few succeed at doing so and even fewer do so while maintaining their happiness or living a life without regret. Some do, and that's great - I'm not against personal choice or happiness (in fact its exactly what I'm FOR). I'm all for relationships if it's something that you want, something that makes you happy ("you" being general, not you specifically). But when things start to get "bad", or BAD, I think far too many people feel like they've done something wrong, or that they have some sort of responsibility to "work through it" or "fix it". I don't. I think that's the natural course of human relations and at that point it's time to move on.

(Edit: I'll save this part for another time. )

Unfortunately, a great many more relationships (in my experience) are in some sort of "fixing it", "working through it" or "changing things" phase than those that are happy to the point of complete satisfaction.

bah. I didn't really mean "all". But if you think that lots have that, to me, that means lots are "bad," that's all I was saying.

I don't believe humans are "meant" to be in or out of relationships. It's all a choice. You choose to be in one or not, you choose to make a relationship work or you choose not to. I think sometimes you do have a responsibility to see if a relationship can be mended, though. Especially if you've taken a vow to do so, have children, etc. Though I agree wholeheartedly that sometimes choosing to part ways is much better than sticking together, absolutely.

CarrieMpls said:

Cerebus said:

I never said all. I rarely speak in absolutes. You asked, "Are most people's relationships that bad?", and I answered.

I've explained this in other threads before, I think even in one of yours - I don't believe human beings are meant to stay together their entire lives. Very few succeed at doing so and even fewer do so while maintaining their happiness or living a life without regret. Some do, and that's great - I'm not against personal choice or happiness (in fact its exactly what I'm FOR). I'm all for relationships if it's something that you want, something that makes you happy ("you" being general, not you specifically). But when things start to get "bad", or BAD, I think far too many people feel like they've done something wrong, or that they have some sort of responsibility to "work through it" or "fix it". I don't. I think that's the natural course of human relations and at that point it's time to move on.

(Edit: I'll save this part for another time. )

Unfortunately, a great many more relationships (in my experience) are in some sort of "fixing it", "working through it" or "changing things" phase than those that are happy to the point of complete satisfaction.

bah. I didn't really mean "all". But if you think that lots have that, to me, that means lots are "bad," that's all I was saying.

I don't believe humans are "meant" to be in or out of relationships. It's all a choice. You choose to be in one or not, you choose to make a relationship work or you choose not to. I think sometimes you do have a responsibility to see if a relationship can be mended, though. Especially if you've taken a vow to do so, have children, etc. Though I agree wholeheartedly that sometimes choosing to part ways is much better than sticking together, absolutely.

I think we generally meet in the middle in regards to a lot of this, but I may be a bit more militant in regards to the "ending things" part. Also, we haven't even gotten into how much of this is the pressures of society, family and friends versus actually acting on your own impulses, wants and needs (i.e. personal choice).

I don't actually see where there is any kind of responsibility involved in deciding what happens with a relationship beyond your own personal happiness and satisfaction. For instance, how many times have you heard said, "you can't make everyone happy"? Yet in a relationship, according to societies rules, that is a major part of the equation. Honestly, nobody else matters. They'll get over whatever decision you make and love you for the person you are. And if they don't, they probably weren't that important to begin with. That goes for ex's too, who I find it's much easier to get along with if you don't stretch out the process to the point that you can't stand each other before breaking up.

Having more and better sex than my married girlfriends....

Having more fun and no fighting over daily stuf than most couples....

I'm as lonely as my married friends, however, by experience I know it's okay to be lonely when single, it's horrible to be lonely when you'r in a relationship.

I would have liked to have children. However, I don't want to pay the high costs for that as most women have to. They have to work, provide, do most of the household and put up with his shit.

And I do appreciate my "no children - so no stress" lifestyle.

I do miss that emotional intimacy. However I also associate it with dissapointment, getting cheated or lied to, disrespected, taken advantage of, not te be heard, overruled, enless powerstruggles. And I really don't miss that.

I only get myself in situations with testosteroncarriers that are fun and good for me. So no emotional intimacy.

I have transitioned to the I am happy being single mode now..

Since I've never dated, I can only wonder.. unlike some of you, I dont date at all, talk to anyone in that way

But anyway after thinking about it, I like having the time to myself.. but it was comforting know that others felt the same way.

dJJ said:

Having more and better sex than my married girlfriends....

Having more fun and no fighting over daily stuf than most couples....

I'm as lonely as my married friends, however, by experience I know it's okay to be lonely when single, it's horrible to be lonely when you'r in a relationship.

I would have liked to have children. However, I don't want to pay the high costs for that as most women have to. They have to work, provide, do most of the household and put up with his shit.

And I do appreciate my "no children - so no stress" lifestyle.

I do miss that emotional intimacy. However I also associate it with dissapointment, getting cheated or lied to, disrespected, taken advantage of, not te be heard, overruled, enless powerstruggles. And I really don't miss that.

I only get myself in situations with testosteroncarriers that are fun and good for me. So no emotional intimacy.

Defense Mechanism lol

But by the way it sounds who would want to be in a relationship if all relationships were like that. I don't think they are, being that there would be no couples, so there has to be something to it right?? lol

[Edited 2/11/11 22:42pm]

dJJ said:

it's horrible to be lonely when you'r in a relationship.

sure is

I am technically single, in a relationship, and occasionally lonely

NDRU said:

I am technically single, in a relationship, and occasionally lonely

I am in a relationship, but lonely as he is so far away .

dJJ said:

Having more and better sex than my married girlfriends....

Having more fun and no fighting over daily stuf than most couples....

I'm as lonely as my married friends, however, by experience I know it's okay to be lonely when single, it's horrible to be lonely when you'r in a relationship.

I would have liked to have children. However, I don't want to pay the high costs for that as most women have to. They have to work, provide, do most of the household and put up with his shit.

And I do appreciate my "no children - so no stress" lifestyle.

I do miss that emotional intimacy. However I also associate it with dissapointment, getting cheated or lied to, disrespected, taken advantage of, not te be heard, overruled, enless powerstruggles. And I really don't miss that.

I only get myself in situations with testosteroncarriers that are fun and good for me. So no emotional intimacy.

The sex in my relationships always was good . . But apart from that I wish I could be like that as it would be a much easier life than the one I am living. But for me emotional intimacy is the most important thing . Even more important than sex and I love sex.

single AND happy

IamFunkay7 said:

dJJ said:

Having more and better sex than my married girlfriends....

Having more fun and no fighting over daily stuf than most couples....

I'm as lonely as my married friends, however, by experience I know it's okay to be lonely when single, it's horrible to be lonely when you'r in a relationship.

I would have liked to have children. However, I don't want to pay the high costs for that as most women have to. They have to work, provide, do most of the household and put up with his shit.

And I do appreciate my "no children - so no stress" lifestyle.

I do miss that emotional intimacy. However I also associate it with dissapointment, getting cheated or lied to, disrespected, taken advantage of, not te be heard, overruled, enless powerstruggles. And I really don't miss that.

I only get myself in situations with testosteroncarriers that are fun and good for me. So no emotional intimacy.

Defense Mechanism lol

But by the way it sounds who would want to be in a relationship if all relationships were like that. I don't think they are, being that there would be no couples, so there has to be something to it right?? lol

[Edited 2/11/11 22:42pm]

Yep, I would love to be able to live without.

In a perfect world it would be save for a women to be emotional attached to a man. Sadly a lot of man use patronizing their partner as a technique to keep their partner (close) **

I had that experiences and developed a healthy defense. At this time in my life I'd rather be save than sorry.

(W. McKibbin, 2007, Journal of personality and individual differences)

[Edited 2/12/11 10:13am]

dJJ said:

IamFunkay7 said:

Defense Mechanism lol

But by the way it sounds who would want to be in a relationship if all relationships were like that. I don't think they are, being that there would be no couples, so there has to be something to it right?? lol

[Edited 2/11/11 22:42pm]

Yep, I would love to be able to live without.

In a perfect world it would be save for a women to be emotional attached to a man. Sadly a lot of man use patronizing their partner as a technique to keep their partner (close) **

I had that experiences and developed a healthy defense. At this time in my life I'd rather be save than sorry.

(W. McKibbin, 2007, Journal of personality and individual differences)

[Edited 2/12/11 10:13am]

yep sometimes life aint fair so I have to agree with you on that one

[Edited 2/12/11 13:29pm]

Single and quite happy at times. Although..I wish I had someone. I go out to walk in the rain to want to find some solitude...and i catch myself singin' I Just Can't Stop Loving You or Te Amo Corazon.

You want to be alone sometimes...but at the same time you want someone there to share a moment with.

psychodelicide said:

I'm happy being single. Guess I'm one of the unusual ones who feels that I don't need a man to be happy.

I'm all right with being single but I'm not all right with not having friends

It gets so boring

Alej said:

I'm all right with being single but I'm not all right with not having friends

It gets so boring

Omg I am feeling that right now, I know how you feel

HotGritz said:

I'm single and happy. There's so much more to life than being some dude's ready made ho/housekeeper. Hah!

Truth be told...I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please, have sex when I want and with whom I want without worrying about getting "caught", not be responsible for anybody else's feelings/needs/wants, and leave the kitchen a damn mess just cuz I can.

Oh man I was VERY unhappy being single but now I am really enjoying that I can do these things. Its such a fucking relief. Eventually I'll be back in a relationship but I won't dread being single as much as I used too.

I go back and forth on this subject, especially lately. For the most part, I like being single. I like not having to worry about someone else and their schedule. But sometimes I wish I had someone to go to the movies with or to go out for Sunday breakfast with. And yes, someone to with.

IamFunkay7 said:

Alej said:

I'm all right with being single but I'm not all right with not having friends

It gets so boring

Omg I am feeling that right now, I know how you feel

noimageatall said:

psychodelicide said:

I'm happy being single. Guess I'm one of the unusual ones who feels that I don't need a man to be happy.

heybaby said:

HotGritz said:

I'm single and happy. There's so much more to life than being some dude's ready made ho/housekeeper. Hah!

Truth be told...I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please, have sex when I want and with whom I want without worrying about getting "caught", not be responsible for anybody else's feelings/needs/wants, and leave the kitchen a damn mess just cuz I can.

Oh man I was VERY unhappy being single but now I am really enjoying that I can do these things. Its such a fucking relief. Eventually I'll be back in a relationship but I won't dread being single as much as I used too.

There you go. It's something you learn to appreciate after you've done the relationship thing. When we say we are happy being single, it's sometimes misconstrued as being opposed to relationships/being in a couple. I enjoy being in a couple but I enjoy being single slightly more simply because there is less stress involved. Sometimes folk just get on my damn nerves! Plus I'm a tad selfish. I really don't want somebody drinking up my last bit of juice or taking my last roll of toilet paper. Don't want somebody asking me where I'm at, where I'm going, where I been or what I'm doing. I'll see ya when I see ya.

HotGritz said:

heybaby said:

Oh man I was VERY unhappy being single but now I am really enjoying that I can do these things. Its such a fucking relief. Eventually I'll be back in a relationship but I won't dread being single as much as I used too.

There you go. It's something you learn to appreciate after you've done the relationship thing. When we say we are happy being single, it's sometimes misconstrued as being opposed to relationships/being in a couple. I enjoy being in a couple but I enjoy being single slightly more simply because there is less stress involved. Sometimes folk just get on my damn nerves! Plus I'm a tad selfish. I really don't want somebody drinking up my last bit of juice or taking my last roll of toilet paper. Don't want somebody asking me where I'm at, where I'm going, where I been or what I'm doing. I'll see ya when I see ya.

Co-sign - my stuff, my space, my opinions, my money!

Serious said:

I guess women are different because I cannot get enough of the same dick over and over .

Hey! I'm a man and I agree with you 100%! I've never found being with different guys even remotely satisfying.

Serious said:

I am in a relationship, but lonely as he is so far away .

You and I seem to have some of the same things in common.

kitbradley said:

Serious said:

Hey! I'm a man and I agree with you 100%! I've never found being with different guys even remotely satisfying.

kitbradley said:

Serious said:

You and I seem to have some of the same things in common.

Tell me more about you!

I'm very happy as long as I'm single and getting it on a regular basis - which had been the case for over 6 years.

That's not happening now so I'm not so happy about being on my own at the moment.

[Edited 2/14/11 20:46pm]

JustErin said:

I'm very happy as long as I'm single and getting it on a regular basis - which had been the case for over 6 years.

That's not happening now so I'm not so happy about being on my own at the moment.

[Edited 2/14/11 20:46pm]

That's bad news!

To cheer you up a little:

I was a happy single. Since two days I'm back in the love trap.

Since sunday I had contact with last summer's fling; JL. He's a vj, sampling video/lights/ laser/ images live to the music of the DJ. Sunday there was a photo on the Dutch newsite and I recognized his back. texted him and now we are emailing again. And since then I can't concentrate on anything anymore.

We had a great time together (hot summer 2010), and I love him dearly, however I can't see us in a relationship. We sort of tried.

1. He's 11 years younger. The 5 months that we've been together was his first relationship. He doesn't know shit about what a relationship entails. I don't feel like explaining the basics of communication, thinking about the agenda of the other etc. all over again.

2. We differ on taste. He bought me a gift after his holiday. That was so sweet. It was the most ugly gift I ever got. I put it at central exposure in my living room. Just because I love him. I feel awkward walking with him on the street. I just hate his haircut, his dressing style. I don't want to change him. I also find it hard to ignore his looks. Clothes off: he looks great!

3. He's a great vj. Just starting his career. So he spends all his time to his career. So he should. During the week he's workin on his material (late hours) and in the weekend he's traveling to the show he has to perform (inlcuding flying all over Europe).

I'm a nanny at the moment recovering from high life expectations that weren't met.

So, I start at 7.30 in the morning. Want to sleep during the night. When we were together, he got home around two. I would wake up, we would talk and/or love eachother, then I wasn't able to fall back to sleep. So I requested him not to stay over at my place during the week because or different sleeping patterns. In the weekends I only could see him if I accompinied him to all these dance events. Allthough I love electronic music, his music style (early hard core) was quite different than what I like. And I didn't feel like staying up till 7 in the morning. Which I had to, he would have to work till the end, wrap up etc. And we travel back home together (I don't own a car, not even have my license). We just couldn't get our agenda's straightened out. Because we did not see eachother that much and I needed more, I quit. He understood and we separated respecting and loving eachother highly.

4. I persuaded him to stand in line with me for the Paradiso when P might have performed his aftershow there. P didn't show up, however, we did have a fun night. He went home with me. I hoped we would get back together, however he was sticking to his guns. I really respected him for that. He said that going back together we would face the same problems again. His work still has hours incompatable with mine, I need more time to spend together than he can give me because he prioritizes his career (as he should, he's 26).

I'm still in the whole divorce thing and licking my wounds of the marriage. I trust JL, but it's hard for me since I have been lied to by exHubbie. JL performs for 25.000 - 40.000 people weekly. Groupies are common. I think he should live that whole glittery lifestyle. Just to find out for himself that it's empty.

So many good reasons for us not to be together. However, when I was with him, I just felt sheer love. The warmth in my body and hart was so overwhelming. I know he genuinely loves me too.

When I think about his pure soul and the good person he is (beacuse that's why I love him soooo much, he's truly a good person) and how he allways could make me laugh, I just cry. I still love him badly. So, I've not responded his last email, will do it in a few days. I don't want to get back into contact on a regular basis (we've been texting/ calling once a month), because it just distracts me too much. I get all these feellings, feel so much love for him, and sadness because I think we should not be together. And I'm not doing the things I need to do.

Sorry, guys, just had to get it of my chest. Anybody have a good advice?