PurpleJedi said:

This is possibly my most successful thread to-date.

I should post while in a drunken state of melancholy more often.

In all seriousness though...

...thank you all for sharing your thoughts, opinions and experiences.

In my situation, I'm not 100% certain that there's cheating, but;

a) texting someone whom she reconnected with on FB dozens of times a day

b) meeting that person at least once (based on an ATM withdrawal in his neighborhood)

c) promising to end contact with him and NOT doing it

d) getting a new cellphone without telling me

e) not really wanting to go to couples counseling or believe it can be worked out

...practically screams "I'm with someone else" both physically and emotionally.

What's funny is that we had a "rule". If we ever felt like things got so bad between us that we decided to go elsewhere, we would be honest and leave. But as has been mentioned by others, apparently things aren't so black-&-white. I'm the bread winner, we have 3 kids, and a mortgage worth more than the value of the house.

To tell the truth, I could definitely forgive & (somewhat) forget a one-night stand. Unhappiness can cause you to make mistakes. I understand that much. But becoming emotionally attached to someone else (and therefore emotionally un-attached to me) is beyond my ability to forgive (let alone ignore).

Life is one big shitfest, ain't it?

I really am most sorry for what you're going through.. I went through something similar when an ex and I moved to FL (from NY) to live together (no kids, thankfully)

I really struggled with my reply to this last nite...

a) Since people have responded admitting to cheating in the past, I'd like to note that it is truly not my intent to pass judgement on or to insult them for their past deeds, but.. I have some very, very strong feelings on this topic.... This sort of thing makes me furious, makes my blood boil --- as the saying goes, I see red (and being a Taurus, this is just not the kind of "red cape" that should be flaunted and waved around this particular "Bull"..)

b) it brought back far too many painful memories.

As for those who cheat on someone they're in a relationship with..... Trust is huge. Once that's gone, or severely compromised.....

~ Not to mention, if no condoms or dental dams are used ['heat of the moment' bullshit], what about the risk to their spouse/partner.. or risk of, if straight, making unwanted babies -?

I mean, unless you're with a psycho that might kill you, how hard is it to be honest? If you're not some impulse control compromised child, how hard is it to break things off beforehand...??

In my 20s I learned that my dad cheated. his brother cheated. their dad (my sweet grandfather?!) cheated. as well as all 3 of my aunts' husbands cheated (only 1 is still married to her asshole).

I was 25 the first time it happened to me (well, that I know of). I was so devastated, I didn't eat for 3 days, couldn't sleep for 4. Can't even tell you how much I cried.

About 6 months later, I took him back, but.. it was never the same. I tried for years to put it behind us, to look towards the future, but.... I couldn't.

Sometimes I feel like all I ended up doing was wasting like 13 yrs of my life loving somebody I couldn't fully trust. We broke up often during that time, dated other people, but some of those were just rebound relationships... The end was really ugly... I just could not trust him (that wasn't the only time he had hurt me, so....)

An old friend of mine has the same "rule" as you with his spouse.. He told me once that he considered leaving (some bitch had taken an interest in him, made it known), but, he took time to think about what he'd be losing and didn't go that route. If only more ppl would do that.... -- or just do the open relationship thing from the get go ~ be upfront and honest from the beginning that that's what you want/need..

Now that I'm older, I can understand maybe forgiving a one-nite stand (sometimes really is just a human mistake with no emotional investment...), but emotional (online or off) or "only online" stuff is not acceptable either as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't call it cheating, but, it can be a gateway to something more, something worse happening, and even if you don't physically cheat, the end result - causing another human being pain - is not worth the risk.

-- There is someone I've known for many years that I wish was single, but he is sooo not available -- and I accept that. I would never, ever show such disregard for their relationship or disrespect towards his spouse by approaching him to see if he would cheat. Even flirting with him is out of the question... it's just wrong, IMHO. "People" like that, who circle like sharks and go after someone that they know isn't available (and is in a good relationship)... should be punched in their mother fucking face. They're just... foul.

Further complicating my strong feelings about this: there are ppl I'm close to who are/were "the other woman"..

One hid that tidbit of info when we met.. By the time I found out, we were close pals, so, we just didn't talk about it much. Two others ~ I tried to talk them out of going down that road, but both were soooo in love One ended up with the guy and is pretty happy (but it caused major problems for his ex, who I was also close to).. The other girl -- he ended up cheating on her left & right, too breaking her heart.

The FL ex I mentioned above.. he would brag to me about other women wanting him.. At first I didn't care - I trusted him - but, then the stories became more frequent, more elaborate.. like he wanted me to be jealous and bothered by it

Eventually it worked - I was highly annoyed, but I still thought I could trust him; he was in our bed every nite... However, one morning I came across a printed out email in the den.. Correspondence from a woman about meeting him someplace.. When asked about it, he claimed she worked at a car dealership... Though he could afford to, the Honey, I was going to buy you a car... excuse just didn't sit right with me, especially since he was only using his middle name with her, using an email address I didn't know existed, and her email address was personal (the Cox cable company; not a car dealership).

Knowing him so well, I started hunting and found his profile on a few adult dating sites -- created after he moved me over 900 miles from home to FL with him, after I told him I'd only move to FL with him if he cancelled all of his old online profiles --- which he actually did, so why make these new, allegedly innocent ones (some using his middle name) but hide them from me? He said he made those only b/c he didn't know anybody but me and co-workers and wanted more friends.... Yeah..... right -- that's why all the profiles had that he was looking to meet only women... Granted, some said he was looking for friendship, but some had "must be discreet" checked, too. After a few arguments, I'm trying to figure out if I caught him before anything actually happened, and if not, can this relationship be saved --- and the fucker breaks up with me... It hurt at first, but I have never been so glad to be rid of someone.

Still, I do believe in love.. I still think some ppl can be trusted, that there are ppl out there who are trustworthy.....

~ and, I sincerely hope things work out well for you two.

oh, and to answer the original question -- I would leave; have a couple of times in the past.

Given my abhorrence of the alternative, I don't think I could handle the guilt I'd feel if I did cheat, or got somebody to cheat on their partner with me

-- if I was duped into believing they were totally single or free to date [dating someone, but not in a monogamous relationship], I'd still feel really bad, but I wouldn't be at fault, so, guilt wouldn't be eating away at me

Serious said:

Spinlight said:

Huh? I've never understood that idea. What do you mean you never know if you would cheat? How is that even a difficult concept to adhere to? If you -allow- for that behavior to be acceptable in your mind then you will rationalize your bad behavior if and when it happens. Why leave the door open? Close the door and retain your dignity.

No matter WHAT gripes you have in a relationship, you completely blow your argument to smithereens the moment you cheat on someone. You are INSTANTLY the villain and if you were already the bad guy in the situation and the stress of being the bad guy made you cheat, then you not only look like an asshole, but you look like a COMPLETE asshole.

I know how much it hurts te be left by somebody you love. IMO cheating on somebody might sometimes be better than leaving that person. Better for that person. I know for a fact hat my bf would prefer me to cheat on him than me to leave him for example. And no I cannot imagine I will ever do that. And I sure won't do it more likely just because I cannot complety rule it out.

this reminds me of a woman I know... her partner of like 20 yrs had a stroke (we'll call him "Rich") -- not too bad, he could still get around, no speech problems or anything, but it basically killed his desire for sex.

one time she asked me if she could use my apt to meet this guy she was seeing (his wife was also unwilling/unable due to some medical issue) -- she was tired of meeting him in hotel rooms b/c it felt sleazy... When I got over the inital ... I said no..

I had just begun working from home full-time for my job, so (not wanting to hurt her feelings; she's like family) I used that as my excuse.. I also told her that I really like Rich, and there would be no way I could look him in the face knowing that kind of secret.

Most of us are sexual beings (minus the asexuals [and maybe the (new?) crazy objectum-sexuals]), so, I think if your partner is unable to perform, but you don't want to break up, that is definitely something to talk about..

PositivityNYC said:

Serious said:

I know how much it hurts te be left by somebody you love. IMO cheating on somebody might sometimes be better than leaving that person. Better for that person. I know for a fact hat my bf would prefer me to cheat on him than me to leave him for example. And no I cannot imagine I will ever do that. And I sure won't do it more likely just because I cannot complety rule it out.

this reminds me of a woman I know... her partner of like 20 yrs had a stroke (we'll call him "Rich") -- not too bad, he could still get around, no speech problems or anything, but it basically killed his desire for sex.

one time she asked me if she could use my apt to meet this guy she was seeing (his wife was also unwilling/unable due to some medical issue) -- she was tired of meeting him in hotel rooms b/c it felt sleazy... When I got over the inital ... I said no..

I had just begun working from home full-time for my job, so (not wanting to hurt her feelings; she's like family) I used that as my excuse.. I also told her that I really like Rich, and there would be no way I could look him in the face knowing that kind of secret.

Most of us are sexual beings (minus the asexuals [and maybe the (new?) crazy objectum-sexuals]), so, I think if your partner is unable to perform, but you don't want to break up, that is definitely something to talk about..

Interesting story....

My bf sure ain't unable to perform, still he would prefer if I had somebody else besides him instead of not being with me at all anymore. As long as I'd love that other person too, but him more . Well I would never do that though.

Serious said:

PositivityNYC said:

this reminds me of a woman I know... her partner of like 20 yrs had a stroke (we'll call him "Rich") -- not too bad, he could still get around, no speech problems or anything, but it basically killed his desire for sex.

one time she asked me if she could use my apt to meet this guy she was seeing (his wife was also unwilling/unable due to some medical issue) -- she was tired of meeting him in hotel rooms b/c it felt sleazy... When I got over the inital ... I said no..

I had just begun working from home full-time for my job, so (not wanting to hurt her feelings; she's like family) I used that as my excuse.. I also told her that I really like Rich, and there would be no way I could look him in the face knowing that kind of secret.

Most of us are sexual beings (minus the asexuals [and maybe the (new?) crazy objectum-sexuals]), so, I think if your partner is unable to perform, but you don't want to break up, that is definitely something to talk about..

Interesting story....

My bf sure ain't unable to perform, still he would prefer if I had somebody else besides him instead of not being with me at all anymore. As long as I'd love that other person too, but him more . Well I would never do that though.

People talk a big talk when it comes to that subject, but typically they crumble in the followthrough. I would get those designs about your ex out your head before you keep going with this current guy.

Spinlight said:

Serious said:

Interesting story....

My bf sure ain't unable to perform, still he would prefer if I had somebody else besides him instead of not being with me at all anymore. As long as I'd love that other person too, but him more . Well I would never do that though.

People talk a big talk when it comes to that subject, but typically they crumble in the followthrough. I would get those designs about your ex out your head before you keep going with this current guy.

Yeah I doubt that he would be so cool if it really happened.

What do you mean with "design"?

I want to leave mine but it's not working. I'm not the type to cheat, but THAT would make a point that it's over.

Serious said:

Spinlight said:

People talk a big talk when it comes to that subject, but typically they crumble in the followthrough. I would get those designs about your ex out your head before you keep going with this current guy.

Yeah I doubt that he would be so cool if it really happened.

What do you mean with "design"?

used this way, "design" means: ideas, thoughts or plans

PositivityNYC said:

Serious said:

Yeah I doubt that he would be so cool if it really happened.

What do you mean with "design"?

used this way, "design" means: ideas, thoughts or plans

Thanks for explaining. Thougths would be the only one that would fit of these 3.

Spinlight said:

Serious said:

Interesting story....

My bf sure ain't unable to perform, still he would prefer if I had somebody else besides him instead of not being with me at all anymore. As long as I'd love that other person too, but him more . Well I would never do that though.

People talk a big talk when it comes to that subject, but typically they crumble in the followthrough. I would get those designs about your ex out your head before you keep going with this current guy.

Well that is you. If I would wait until I would not think about my ex and what we had anymore I would never have anybody else in my life ever again.

My current guy is cool with the fact that I still care about my ex. He knows how serious I am about our relationship and how very, very, very much I love him.

[Edited 2/3/11 13:49pm]