NDRU said:

Spinlight said:

Back up a second. Why is it that your opinion is more valid because of your experience, but others' aren't? Get out of here.

I would never cheat because I know very well the consequences of cheating. I have been tempted. Many, many, many times. I have had people straight up grab my shit or put their shit on my body, or get up in my grill tryna go somewhere with me. I would never do it.

1) Too much pride: I don't wanna be That Guy.

2) I don't know those hos: Seriously, in this day and age, I want to take every precaution I can to make sure my shit is not diseased and the surest way of removing that effort is to fuck someone random on the spot.

3) No matter how angry or sad I get over a person, they don't control my actions: I control myself at all times, I am always The One In Control in my domain. I will not allow someone else's dysfunction to bleed into me that way and cause me to be That Guy.

4) I have hurt people in other ways. I have been a bad mate at times. Some, very serious things. Some, not so serious things. But none as serious as cheating. The word "Cheating" is short hand for all that it encompasses which includes devastating effects on someone's self esteem, complete obliteration of trust in companions, subconscious regret and resentment that, etc. I'm not comfortable having the responsibilityt of inflicting those feelings all on someone. I know when to say no.

5) If a potential new mate engages me in this manner and refuses to respect my boundaries or work at a pace that I am comfortable with, then they get the axe: It is a dealbreak for me if a potential new mate intends on rushing my "old life" out the door to usher in a "new life" with them. I'm an honest man and I've built and established myself throughout my life on my own and I don't need a mate to enter into my sphere and subjugate my experiences.

please, I was not the one calling the ones with other opinions "cowards" you were.

I was saying it does not automatically make you better or worse to have been weak and cheated.

I'm very proud of your strength and glad you are able to shove it in my face

Have you cheated?

Spinlight said:

NDRU said:

please, I was not the one calling the ones with other opinions "cowards" you were.

I was saying it does not automatically make you better or worse to have been weak and cheated.

I'm very proud of your strength and glad you are able to shove it in my face

Have you cheated?

no, but I have been the other person years ago

NDRU said:

Spinlight said:

Have you cheated?

no, but I have been the other person years ago

So you haven't cheated, but you were the person someone cheated with? Then why do you feel I called -you- a coward? Cheating is a cowardly act. If you don't confront your problems in life, they become bigger and bigger. You run the risk of hurting other people. Cheating is cowardly.

Perhaps you aren't a coward, though you certainly should've left the other person alone. That person, however, exhibited seriously cowardly behavior.

SherryJackson said:

PurpleJedi said:

Do you have the intestinal fortitude to walk out on your spouse/mate/significant-other BEFORE you found another lover?

Relationships are difficult to maintain, and people do grow apart.

So, if it came to the point where you have decided that your relationshipo is over...would you have the decency to just up & leave before screwing someone else? Or are you one of those people that are so attached to belongings and comfort that you'd have an affair?

Honestly.

Just walk out. No point in staying if I feel it's not worth it.

If it got to the point where I was "lonely whenever he's alone" (a Jill Scott song) or feel the need to "Creep" (TLC's), then I'd leave. There is no justifiable reason to stay in a relationship that isn't beneficial to both parties. And the same goes for cheating. It's just a stupid thing to do and always end up with someone getting caught up.

Spinlight said:

NDRU said:

no, but I have been the other person years ago

So you haven't cheated, but you were the person someone cheated with? Then why do you feel I called -you- a coward? Cheating is a cowardly act. If you don't confront your problems in life, they become bigger and bigger. You run the risk of hurting other people. Cheating is cowardly.

Perhaps you aren't a coward, though you certainly should've left the other person alone. That person, however, exhibited seriously cowardly behavior.

Lordy, I didn't say you called me a coward!

I was only saying that there is not a simple hierarcy of relationship wrongs. Some people might forgive infidelity under certain circumstances. They also might not forgive the mistakes you made, under different circumstances. It depends on the situation.

[Edited 1/30/11 14:57pm]

10 years ago I would have said "I would leave" firmly...but now, I dunno. It depends on my the situation, I guess.

i'm thinking what is with the Polly-Pure bread bullshyt i'm seeing.......cheating cant be serious cause its not that hard to do...with so many willing participants i mean....

myfavorite said:

i'm thinking what is with the Polly-Pure bread bullshyt i'm seeing.......cheating cant be serious cause its not that hard to do...with so many willing participants i mean....

It ain't Polly Purebred to not want to do stupid shit to people. I also do not want to murder people, either. Does that make me a self-described saint? No.

Spinlight said:

myfavorite said:

i'm thinking what is with the Polly-Pure bread bullshyt i'm seeing.......cheating cant be serious cause its not that hard to do...with so many willing participants i mean....

It ain't Polly Purebred to not want to do stupid shit to people. I also do not want to murder people, either. Does that make me a self-described saint? No.

Spinlight said:

NDRU said:

yes, people love to play the holier than thou role about this issue or that issue, but no doubt they've hurt someone in some other way.

Nobody thinks cheating is okay, but yes it can happen, just like any other mistake can (and does) happen.

Back up a second. Why is it that your opinion is more valid because of your experience, but others' aren't? Get out of here.

I would never cheat because I know very well the consequences of cheating. I have been tempted. Many, many, many times. I have had people straight up grab my shit or put their shit on my body, or get up in my grill tryna go somewhere with me. I would never do it.

1) Too much pride: I don't wanna be That Guy.

2) I don't know those hos: Seriously, in this day and age, I want to take every precaution I can to make sure my shit is not diseased and the surest way of removing that effort is to fuck someone random on the spot.

3) No matter how angry or sad I get over a person, they don't control my actions: I control myself at all times, I am always The One In Control in my domain. I will not allow someone else's dysfunction to bleed into me that way and cause me to be That Guy.

4) I have hurt people in other ways. I have been a bad mate at times. Some, very serious things. Some, not so serious things. But none as serious as cheating. The word "Cheating" is short hand for all that it encompasses which includes devastating effects on someone's self esteem, complete obliteration of trust in companions, subconscious regret and resentment that, etc. I'm not comfortable having the responsibilityt of inflicting those feelings all on someone. I know when to say no.

5) If a potential new mate engages me in this manner and refuses to respect my boundaries or work at a pace that I am comfortable with, then they get the axe: It is a dealbreak for me if a potential new mate intends on rushing my "old life" out the door to usher in a "new life" with them. I'm an honest man and I've built and established myself throughout my life on my own and I don't need a mate to enter into my sphere and subjugate my experiences.

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

Acrylic said:

Spinlight said:

Back up a second. Why is it that your opinion is more valid because of your experience, but others' aren't? Get out of here.

I would never cheat because I know very well the consequences of cheating. I have been tempted. Many, many, many times. I have had people straight up grab my shit or put their shit on my body, or get up in my grill tryna go somewhere with me. I would never do it.

1) Too much pride: I don't wanna be That Guy.

2) I don't know those hos: Seriously, in this day and age, I want to take every precaution I can to make sure my shit is not diseased and the surest way of removing that effort is to fuck someone random on the spot.

3) No matter how angry or sad I get over a person, they don't control my actions: I control myself at all times, I am always The One In Control in my domain. I will not allow someone else's dysfunction to bleed into me that way and cause me to be That Guy.

4) I have hurt people in other ways. I have been a bad mate at times. Some, very serious things. Some, not so serious things. But none as serious as cheating. The word "Cheating" is short hand for all that it encompasses which includes devastating effects on someone's self esteem, complete obliteration of trust in companions, subconscious regret and resentment that, etc. I'm not comfortable having the responsibilityt of inflicting those feelings all on someone. I know when to say no.

5) If a potential new mate engages me in this manner and refuses to respect my boundaries or work at a pace that I am comfortable with, then they get the axe: It is a dealbreak for me if a potential new mate intends on rushing my "old life" out the door to usher in a "new life" with them. I'm an honest man and I've built and established myself throughout my life on my own and I don't need a mate to enter into my sphere and subjugate my experiences.

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

All valid points mentioned above, I still am not understanding why the only options would be to either cheat or leave.

paintedlady said:

Acrylic said:

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

All valid points mentioned above, I still am not understanding why the only options would be to either cheat or leave.

Acrylic said:

Spinlight said:

Back up a second. Why is it that your opinion is more valid because of your experience, but others' aren't? Get out of here.

I would never cheat because I know very well the consequences of cheating. I have been tempted. Many, many, many times. I have had people straight up grab my shit or put their shit on my body, or get up in my grill tryna go somewhere with me. I would never do it.

1) Too much pride: I don't wanna be That Guy.

2) I don't know those hos: Seriously, in this day and age, I want to take every precaution I can to make sure my shit is not diseased and the surest way of removing that effort is to fuck someone random on the spot.

3) No matter how angry or sad I get over a person, they don't control my actions: I control myself at all times, I am always The One In Control in my domain. I will not allow someone else's dysfunction to bleed into me that way and cause me to be That Guy.

4) I have hurt people in other ways. I have been a bad mate at times. Some, very serious things. Some, not so serious things. But none as serious as cheating. The word "Cheating" is short hand for all that it encompasses which includes devastating effects on someone's self esteem, complete obliteration of trust in companions, subconscious regret and resentment that, etc. I'm not comfortable having the responsibilityt of inflicting those feelings all on someone. I know when to say no.

5) If a potential new mate engages me in this manner and refuses to respect my boundaries or work at a pace that I am comfortable with, then they get the axe: It is a dealbreak for me if a potential new mate intends on rushing my "old life" out the door to usher in a "new life" with them. I'm an honest man and I've built and established myself throughout my life on my own and I don't need a mate to enter into my sphere and subjugate my experiences.

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

I was responding directly to NDRU because of the comment about being holier than thou. You admitted to cheating and I don't think you are lesser than I am. Or anyone else, for that matter. Do I think you did the wrong thing? Of course I do. You probably KNOW you did! Even if you don't think you did the wrong thing, I'm still not going to think lesser of you as a person because of that bad behavior. I just want to be clear on that.

I do believe the act is cowardly, but not all people who cheat could be described as cowards.

Its best to just leave but I cheated. He was a rebound used to try and heal what was hurting and I didn't know how to tell him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Within a week of seeing some one new I let him go. I was honest as to why because I knew how it felt to feel that way and be confused and hurt. I felt really bad. I don't know how or what it is about the new person that made him the one to mend things little by little (never thought it be some one 10 years my junior lol) but he is.

[Edited 1/30/11 17:02pm]

Spinlight said:

Acrylic said:

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

I was responding directly to NDRU because of the comment about being holier than thou. You admitted to cheating and I don't think you are lesser than I am. Or anyone else, for that matter. Do I think you did the wrong thing? Of course I do. You probably KNOW you did! Even if you don't think you did the wrong thing, I'm still not going to think lesser of you as a person because of that bad behavior. I just want to be clear on that.

I do believe the act is cowardly, but not all people who cheat could be described as cowards.

I can agree with that comment, because it is a judgement of the act (which we all acknowledge to be wrong), not the person, where earlier you described cheaters as cowards. There is a difference, and you are clearly making that distinction above.

My holier than thou comment was not directed at any one person, however you're response was to say that you have hurt people (sometimes badly) and made mistakes, but none as bad as cheating. Isn't it holier than thou to presume to know which kind of pain another person would prefer?

Still, you just said up above that you do not judge a cheater to be lesser than yourself, and that was all I was trying to say in the first place, so we may agree more than it initially seemed.

I think all 3 of you should roll around on the floor for a bit.

Spinlight said:

Acrylic said:

If you're refering to my post that NDRU commented upon:

I don't think that my opinion is more or less valid because of my experience.

I'm basing my opinion on the fact that I have that experience.

I'm just saying that this topic has 50 shades of gray.

I was responding directly to NDRU because of the comment about being holier than thou. You admitted to cheating and I don't think you are lesser than I am. Or anyone else, for that matter. Do I think you did the wrong thing? Of course I do. You probably KNOW you did! Even if you don't think you did the wrong thing, I'm still not going to think lesser of you as a person because of that bad behavior. I just want to be clear on that.

I do believe the act is cowardly, but not all people who cheat could be described as cowards.

Gotcha. I definately don't condone others to cheat, nor do I think that my actions were right -- or even justified, by the examples that I listed. It's sometimes the easier way out. I just understand that people have reasons for doing everything that they do; some reasons better than others. Unfortunately, it's true, someone always gets hurt in the end.

NDRU said:

Spinlight said:

I was responding directly to NDRU because of the comment about being holier than thou. You admitted to cheating and I don't think you are lesser than I am. Or anyone else, for that matter. Do I think you did the wrong thing? Of course I do. You probably KNOW you did! Even if you don't think you did the wrong thing, I'm still not going to think lesser of you as a person because of that bad behavior. I just want to be clear on that.

I do believe the act is cowardly, but not all people who cheat could be described as cowards.

I can agree with that comment, because it is a judgement of the act (which we all acknowledge to be wrong), not the person, where earlier you described cheaters as cowards. There is a difference, and you are clearly making that distinction above.

My holier than thou comment was not directed at any one person, however you're response was to say that you have hurt people (sometimes badly) and made mistakes, but none as bad as cheating. Isn't it holier than thou to presume to know which kind of pain another person would prefer?

Still, you just said up above that you do not judge a cheater to be lesser than yourself, and that was all I was trying to say in the first place, so we may agree more than it initially seemed.

Well, I don't think that that is what I'm trying to convey. What I'm saying is that I've done things that were not as mortally wounding to some people. Let's face it: Cheating is the worst thing you can possibly do - for some people. This is a fact, its just up there with the worst of the worst for some. So, with that in mind and to those people, the stuff -I- have done is likely not quite as damaging. If it is, so be it. I'm in good company.

When I responded to this thread, I had based my answer on the fact that ( in most cases ) if you are only left with the options of leave him/her or cheat on him/her, then you're past the "work it out" stage.

It's not about being "holier than thou" or "polly pure-bread", it comes down whether or not you're trying to "have your cake and eat it too." Understand what I'm saying. If not, let me say it like this. Maybe the reason why it's not working out is because s/he is not the person for you or vice versa. Instead of holding on to what was only meant to be a part of your life for a reason or season, let it go. Until you accept that fact, you won't be happy and neither will the other person.

That's why I chose to leave.

I think all 3 of you should roll around on the floor for a bit.

Spinlight said:

NDRU said:

I can agree with that comment, because it is a judgement of the act (which we all acknowledge to be wrong), not the person, where earlier you described cheaters as cowards. There is a difference, and you are clearly making that distinction above.

My holier than thou comment was not directed at any one person, however you're response was to say that you have hurt people (sometimes badly) and made mistakes, but none as bad as cheating. Isn't it holier than thou to presume to know which kind of pain another person would prefer?

Still, you just said up above that you do not judge a cheater to be lesser than yourself, and that was all I was trying to say in the first place, so we may agree more than it initially seemed.

Well, I don't think that that is what I'm trying to convey. What I'm saying is that I've done things that were not as mortally wounding to some people. Let's face it: Cheating is the worst thing you can possibly do - for some people. This is a fact, its just up there with the worst of the worst for some. So, with that in mind and to those people, the stuff -I- have done is likely not quite as damaging. If it is, so be it. I'm in good company.

good enough for me. I'd just assume we move forward, and not roll around on the floor as has been suggested (sorry Dani)!

NDRU said:

Spinlight said:

Well, I don't think that that is what I'm trying to convey. What I'm saying is that I've done things that were not as mortally wounding to some people. Let's face it: Cheating is the worst thing you can possibly do - for some people. This is a fact, its just up there with the worst of the worst for some. So, with that in mind and to those people, the stuff -I- have done is likely not quite as damaging. If it is, so be it. I'm in good company.

good enough for me. I'd just assume we move forward, and not roll around on the floor as has been suggested (sorry Dani)!

I'm going to roll around on the floor for a bit, I think it's cooler down there

NDRU said:

Spinlight said:

Well, I don't think that that is what I'm trying to convey. What I'm saying is that I've done things that were not as mortally wounding to some people. Let's face it: Cheating is the worst thing you can possibly do - for some people. This is a fact, its just up there with the worst of the worst for some. So, with that in mind and to those people, the stuff -I- have done is likely not quite as damaging. If it is, so be it. I'm in good company.

good enough for me. I'd just assume we move forward, and not roll around on the floor as has been suggested (sorry Dani)!

Fuckin' A!

tinaz said:

I dont understand affairs.. if im that miserable in my relationship that I want to find others, than I need to leave....

But then again who knows what a person will do when faced with the situation head on....

[Edited 1/30/11 19:01pm]

TotalANXiousNESS said:

I think all 3 of you should roll around on the floor for a bit.

You crack me UP, Dani!

As for the thread, I don't care if it seems holier than thou. I won't cheat. Period. It's been done to me, I've seen what it does to other people. I would rather someone tell me it's over than maliciously hurt me that way. Cheating is a choice. I choose not to.

LEAVE!!!!! i really want to leave

LEAVE x a Million

it's just so f'n hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i better cheat!!!!

What was the question again?