Okay so I was never really close to my father I had a tragedy in my family when I was six yrs old and lost five family members at one time My father was not a good father when my siblings were alive and he was nonexistent in my life for about 20 yrs afterwards I found him again at 26 yrs old and the more I talked to him-I realized he was not a good person and one that really didn't need to be in my life. I hadn't seen him since 1998-something just told me to look him up yesterday and I found out he died in May 2010 of a massive heart attack I talked to his sister and she said they tried to contact me but had a bad phone number I shed one tear and that was it My best friend told me not to even call, but I did just to do the right thing Now my Aunt tells me she has no kids and needs to use me as a next of kin now that he's dead So am I right to feel this way-I mean I feel nothing at all and it's about to be a new year, new beginnings

nursev said:

Okay so I was never really close to my father I had a tragedy in my family when I was six yrs old and lost five family members at one time My father was not a good father when my siblings were alive and he was nonexistent in my life for about 20 yrs afterwards I found him again at 26 yrs old and the more I talked to him-I realized he was not a good person and one that really didn't need to be in my life. I hadn't seen him since 1998-something just told me to look him up yesterday and I found out he died in May 2010 of a massive heart attack I talked to his sister and she said they tried to contact me but had a bad phone number I shed one tear and that was it My best friend told me not to even call, but I did just to do the right thing Now my Aunt tells me she has no kids and needs to use me as a next of kin now that he's dead So am I right to feel this way-I mean I feel nothing at all and it's about to be a new year, new beginnings

So, exaclty what is your Aunt asking of you? Do you live close or in the area she lives?

TD3 said:

nursev said:

Okay so I was never really close to my father I had a tragedy in my family when I was six yrs old and lost five family members at one time My father was not a good father when my siblings were alive and he was nonexistent in my life for about 20 yrs afterwards I found him again at 26 yrs old and the more I talked to him-I realized he was not a good person and one that really didn't need to be in my life. I hadn't seen him since 1998-something just told me to look him up yesterday and I found out he died in May 2010 of a massive heart attack I talked to his sister and she said they tried to contact me but had a bad phone number I shed one tear and that was it My best friend told me not to even call, but I did just to do the right thing Now my Aunt tells me she has no kids and needs to use me as a next of kin now that he's dead So am I right to feel this way-I mean I feel nothing at all and it's about to be a new year, new beginnings

So, exaclty what is your Aunt asking of you? Do you live close or in the area she lives?

No I live in Texas and she is in Detroit-I know that I will move back there in another year, but she was never really there for me either My relationship with her was better then mine's with him-she has no kids and wants me to be a responsible party for her-she is 74 and is about to move into a retirement home. I know it's the right thing to do, but apart of me still has bad feelings towards them for not being there when I needed it, but I'm trying to be the better person and do the right thing

nursev said:

TD3 said:

So, exaclty what is your Aunt asking of you? Do you live close or in the area she lives?

No I live in Texas and she is in Detroit-I know that I will move back there in another year, but she was never really there for me either My relationship with her was better then mine's with him-she has no kids and wants me to be a responsible party for her-she is 74 and is about to move into a retirement home. I know it's the right thing to do, but apart of me still has bad feelings towards them for not being there when I needed it, but I'm trying to be the better person and do the right thing

Think long and hard and be honest with yourself on what you think you can do or what you think you can't do. It's better to be honest now, than give someone your word only to bail later. Talk with your Aunt and see what her needs are now and what they maybe in the future and than access the situtation, to know if you are up to it emotionally and physically . . . not to speak of the time.

This could be an opportunity of getting know your aunt and and building a relationship, learn something about her and maybe more about that branch of the family. But no, you shouldn't feel "guilty" (for a lack of a better word) for not having family feeling towards her or feelings of obligation. You two didn't have a relationship . . . .

I'm kinda in the same circumstances though I promised my late father I'd take care of his sister. She and I weren't close and after a prickly start, I've come to admire her resilience. We've both calmed down and there's a mutual respect for what we have to do. I'd think if I were in the same circumstances 'I'd hope someone would have my back too. Well hell, one day we all will be.

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[Edited 1/1/11 1:12am]

only you know the answer, you must do whats right for you...(in your own time)...be strong...big hugs

.

[Edited 1/4/11 5:18am]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and the relationship that came before it. But God has a plan for it all, and I know you trust Him. There's a reason you called out of the blue.

It sounds like all your aunt wants is for you to be the person people can call for notification when she passes, right? Then you will be an angel to her. She will know that when she passes, someone will know and someone will care. That will probably mean everything to her.

Sorry for your lost.

I feel for you.

Don't feel bad for a second for not grieving more. Just because he was your biological parent doesn't mean you owe him or his memory anything.

If you choose to say no to your aunt, don't feel bad about that either. Again, she wasn't there for you and you don't owe her anything.

Aww thank you all for the 's I really needed them-I am feeling better about it now Just accepting that life has given this issue to me and I have to step up and do the right thing.

damn!! thats messed up

I went through something similar and wondered why I didn't grieve

prb said:

damn!! thats messed up

bboy87 said:

I went through something similar and wondered why I didn't grieve

I thought I would at least cry alot, but I didn't. When I found out he passed an eerie feeling came over me though and that was it

BIG

NMuzakNSoul said:

BIG

Thank u

nursev said:

bboy87 said:

I went through something similar and wondered why I didn't grieve

I thought I would at least cry alot, but I didn't. When I found out he passed an eerie feeling came over me though and that was it

In 2009, My maternal grandmother passed away and it was one of the most painful moments of my life. She helped raise me and was always there. In fact today, I was buying a box of candy and while holding the box, I had a flashback because it was my grandma's second favorite brand and it took all my strength to stop from breaking down in tears. It's been like that for me for a couple of weeks and it's been more than a year since her passing.

about 6 months later after my grandma passed, my paternal grandmother (I don't even feel comfortable calling her that), my father's uncle and his stepmother all passed away mere weeks between each other and I didn't shed one tear. I didn't know them.

I only met my father's mother ONCE and that was it. My father's uncle, I spoke to once when I graduated high school and it was one of the most awkward conversation I've ever had because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know this man

My dad's stepmother met me once (the same week I met my father's mother) and she tried to beat me. I was 3 years old in a place I've never been before and this woman is standing above me throwing around a huge leather belt. I never went back after that

My father's family never tried to be in contact with me and my brothers. My parents were married for almost 20 years and I have absolutely NO relationship with that side of my family except with a cousin who I occasionally talk to on Facebook

Not one card or even a call on my birthdays

Not even a check up just to say "Hey kid, just seeing if you were alive"

My dad has over 14 siblings and I've never gotten a call from one of them

bboy87 said:

nursev said:

I thought I would at least cry alot, but I didn't. When I found out he passed an eerie feeling came over me though and that was it

In 2009, My maternal grandmother passed away and it was one of the most painful moments of my life. She helped raise me and was always there. In fact today, I was buying a box of candy and while holding the box, I had a flashback because it was my grandma's second favorite brand and it took all my strength to stop from breaking down in tears. It's been like that for me for a couple of weeks and it's been more than a year since her passing.

about 6 months later after my grandma passed, my paternal grandmother (I don't even feel comfortable calling her that), my father's uncle and his stepmother all passed away mere weeks between each other and I didn't shed one tear. I didn't know them.

I only met my father's mother ONCE and that was it. My father's uncle, I spoke to once when I graduated high school and it was one of the most awkward conversation I've ever had because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know this man

My dad's stepmother met me once (the same week I met my father's mother) and she tried to beat me. I was 3 years old in a place I've never been before and this woman is standing above me throwing around a huge leather belt. I never went back after that

My father's family never tried to be in contact with me and my brothers. My parents were married for almost 20 years and I have absolutely NO relationship with that side of my family except with a cousin who I occasionally talk to on Facebook

Not one card or even a call on my birthdays

Not even a check up just to say "Hey kid, just seeing if you were alive"

My dad has over 14 siblings and I've never gotten a call from one of them

Aww I am sorry bboy87 then we're basically in the same boat My maternal grandmother raised me too and she passed away in 2005-I grieved for her for months off and on and I still do today-she was a great, strong lady Both of us basically lived through our families passing-we were strong together I never got a birthday card or a call from any of my father's siblings or from him He had the nerve to show up at my custody hearing when I was 6 yrs old with another woman and my mother, grandfather and three siblings had just died Kinda gives u insight as to what kind of person he was-just like some of your family you have described. We are better people for not knowing them

nursev said:

bboy87 said:

In 2009, My maternal grandmother passed away and it was one of the most painful moments of my life. She helped raise me and was always there. In fact today, I was buying a box of candy and while holding the box, I had a flashback because it was my grandma's second favorite brand and it took all my strength to stop from breaking down in tears. It's been like that for me for a couple of weeks and it's been more than a year since her passing.

about 6 months later after my grandma passed, my paternal grandmother (I don't even feel comfortable calling her that), my father's uncle and his stepmother all passed away mere weeks between each other and I didn't shed one tear. I didn't know them.

I only met my father's mother ONCE and that was it. My father's uncle, I spoke to once when I graduated high school and it was one of the most awkward conversation I've ever had because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know this man

My dad's stepmother met me once (the same week I met my father's mother) and she tried to beat me. I was 3 years old in a place I've never been before and this woman is standing above me throwing around a huge leather belt. I never went back after that

My father's family never tried to be in contact with me and my brothers. My parents were married for almost 20 years and I have absolutely NO relationship with that side of my family except with a cousin who I occasionally talk to on Facebook

Not one card or even a call on my birthdays

Not even a check up just to say "Hey kid, just seeing if you were alive"

My dad has over 14 siblings and I've never gotten a call from one of them

Aww I am sorry bboy87 then we're basically in the same boat My maternal grandmother raised me too and she passed away in 2005-I grieved for her for months off and on and I still do today-she was a great, strong lady Both of us basically lived through our families passing-we were strong together I never got a birthday card or a call from any of my father's siblings or from him He had the nerve to show up at my custody hearing when I was 6 yrs old with another woman and my mother, grandfather and three siblings had just died Kinda gives u insight as to what kind of person he was-just like some of your family you have described. We are better people for not knowing them

My relationship with my father is pretty.....well, I can't really describe. I wouldn't say nonexistant but it's close to it. I speak to him and I give him updates on my 1 year old nephew (my older brother won't speak to him) He was in the navy most of my childhood so he wasn't around. From age 5 to 10, he was stationed in Italy and while we were in Virginia. He was originally supposed to come back after 2 years but he volunteered to stay and we didn't know why.....then we found out why, he was cheating on my mom so they decided to divorce when I was 9.

There's alot of stuff to this day I'm working on to forgive him for. We had to deal with a lot of hardships after my parents divorced because of him and his decisions. I actually just deleted about 2 paragraphs of incidents because I got angry reading it after writing it

I believe when you do wrong to others, it comes back to haunt you, and that's exactly what's happening to my dad

I believe that although I've had to deal with things I shouldn't have had to deal with as a kid and teenager, those things shaped me as the person I am today. I'm not close to my father's family but I know what they're about, and let's just say, I'm lucky being distant

So sorry to hear about all this, Nurse. Good luck with whatever you decide.

What a challenging situation.

Be really honest with yourself regarding how you feel and what you are and are not willing to do.

Say your prayers.

Efan said:

So sorry to hear about all this, Nurse. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks Efan

Nothinbutjoy said:

What a challenging situation.

Be really honest with yourself regarding how you feel and what you are and are not willing to do.

Say your prayers.

Been praying alot lately

I'm sorry to hear about the death. Its hard to deal with because you know you are missing a love, a type of parental love, and that one tear you shed is all that was given to you. You cannot pour out love that was not poured into you.

IMO.....when you have adults in your life who didn't do what they should have during your childhood, you need to call them out. I know this isn't popular but its wrong for them to expect you to step up to the plate when they left you hanging. To me, blood doesn't mean shit. Family are the people who love you and were there for you. Do not let your unfortunate biological beginnings mess with your head. Your father is whatever male was there for you. A dad is much more than a sperm donor and the family was okay with knowing about you but not taking care of things. Dont feel bad....how could you mourn a virtual stranger. You are okay....just dont let these selfish people use you for their own time of need just because of your bloodline.

StillGotIt said:

I'm sorry to hear about the death. Its hard to deal with because you know you are missing a love, a type of parental love, and that one tear you shed is all that was given to you. You cannot pour out love that was not poured into you.

IMO.....when you have adults in your life who didn't do what they should have during your childhood, you need to call them out. I know this isn't popular but its wrong for them to expect you to step up to the plate when they left you hanging. To me, blood doesn't mean shit. Family are the people who love you and were there for you. Do not let your unfortunate biological beginnings mess with your head. Your father is whatever male was there for you. A dad is much more than a sperm donor and the family was okay with knowing about you but not taking care of things. Dont feel bad....how could you mourn a virtual stranger. You are okay....just dont let these selfish people use you for their own time of need just because of your bloodline.

PunkMistress said:

StillGotIt said:

I'm sorry to hear about the death. Its hard to deal with because you know you are missing a love, a type of parental love, and that one tear you shed is all that was given to you. You cannot pour out love that was not poured into you.

IMO.....when you have adults in your life who didn't do what they should have during your childhood, you need to call them out. I know this isn't popular but its wrong for them to expect you to step up to the plate when they left you hanging. To me, blood doesn't mean shit. Family are the people who love you and were there for you. Do not let your unfortunate biological beginnings mess with your head. Your father is whatever male was there for you. A dad is much more than a sperm donor and the family was okay with knowing about you but not taking care of things. Dont feel bad....how could you mourn a virtual stranger. You are okay....just dont let these selfish people use you for their own time of need just because of your bloodline.

good luck!!