The body bully within: Her own worst enemy
It’s nearly 2 p.m. on a hot Wednesday in July, and my Sassy Sisterhood Girls Circle is winding down for the day. The girls hand in their “Real Me” diaries, which contain the answer to today’s question: “What do you see when you look in the mirror?”

From one to the next, I see the same responses:

“I think I look fat.”

“My belly is too big.”

“I can’t stand my legs.”

Ashley, age fourteen, decides to read her entry to the group. She tells them that she looks in the mirror and squeezes the fat on her size-8 thighs. “You’re disgusting,” she admits to scowling at herself. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head when she recalls the triple chocolate sundae — made with frozen yogurt instead of the real thing — she ate the night before during a family outing. “I try to be good ... and I keep telling myself that I have to have more willpower, or I’ll never be a size 0.”

The other girls nod, twist their mouths or raise their eyebrows in empathy, their own encouragement coming in the form of self-loathing:

“I wish I had your thighs, Ashley! Mine are all squishy!”

“Yeah, and you have the flattest stomach. I’m like a beached whale.”

“You guys are crazy. I’m the biggest one here!”

“I never eat ice cream. If I do, I feel huge. And I hate it.”

“I’m getting depressed.”

As girls — and, later, women — we’re informally schooled to be critical of ourselves in order to fit in; we’re taught to bring ourselves down in order to cheer someone else up. That’s part of the way girls help each other reestablish their “goodness of fit” — their ability to interlock like puzzle pieces, to the best of their efforts, and claim their place within their immediate group or community. This often means scripting out a predictable exchange that denigrates the self while affirming the other — a pattern that is then picked up by the other girl as if it were a baton. As the girls say, “You can’t be, like, ‘I’m all that.’ People like you better if you complain about how you look.” The problem, though, is that somewhere along the line, we started believing our own criticism.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fattest of them all?
If it’s true, as Mary Pipher, author of “Reviving Ophelia,” says, that in their teens, “Girls become ‘female impersonators’ who fit their whole selves into small, crowded spaces,” I believe they get their practice in front of the mirror.

While the common perception is that “body bullying” or “body bashing” — which I define as the teasing, ostracizing or threatening of a person because of how she looks, specifically with regard to weight — is committed by external sources, such as teachers, family members, friends or strangers, more often than not, it begins with an even harsher critic: the girl herself.

. . .

now obviously us ORers are all intelligent, strong types who are groovy enough to love Prince and what he stands for. we are individuals who think outside of the box and we do not allow mere peer pressure to affect us.

still, i'm curious as to whether or not any of us Women of the ORG have ever been aware of experiencing this kind of pressure?

is conforming to a 'beautiful body' standard a good thing, in your view?

or do we waste valuable time and energy attempting to be like movie stars?

[Edited 11/12/10 4:10am]

It really depends on your attitude.

If its about health conscious, good for you. If its about vanity, its a waste of energy & it'll be short-lived because you'll reach at a point in your life where you'll stop giving a shit about how people view you and yes how you view yourself and you'll get back to where you started.

This argument upsets me though, because it tells women it doesn't matter how intelligent & good person you are, you still won't amount to zilch if you don't conform to society's standard of beauty, and some of them do their damnedest to keep up when they don't have to. Nevermind the fact that its a seriously morbid society who value every shallow trait there is, and trivialize anything thats substantial, something that could actually benefit you in the long run.

And nothing tickles the hell out of me more than seeing people surprised/shocked when they see an overweight woman with plenty of confidence, sometimes even surpasses theirs - "You're fat, how could you love yourself? How is that even possible?"

Harlepolis said:

It really depends on your attitude.

If its about health conscious, good for you. If its about vanity, its a waste of energy & it'll be short-lived because you'll reach at a point in your life where you'll stop giving a shit about how people view you and yes how you view yourself and you'll get back to where you started.

This argument upsets me though, because it tells women it doesn't matter how intelligent & good person you are, you still won't amount to zilch if you don't conform to society's standard of beauty, and some of them do their damnedest to keep up when they don't have to. Nevermind the fact that its a seriously morbid society who value every shallow trait there is, and trivialize anything thats substantial, something that could actually benefit you in the long run.

And nothing tickles the hell out of me more than seeing people surprised/shocked when they see an overweight woman with plenty of confidence, sometimes even surpasses theirs - "You're fat, how could you love yourself? How is that even possible?"

i agree i'm disappointed that the 'feminist' movement hasn't done more for young women of today in this regard.

'healthy ' means more than just physically fit, it means a state of mental fitness too, specifically, good self-esteem

Well, they don't.

Oh sit down, I'm kidding for Cher's sake.

johnart said:

Well, they don't.

Oh sit down, I'm kidding for Cher's sake.

XxAxX said:

The body bully within: Her own worst enemy
It’s nearly 2 p.m. on a hot Wednesday in July, and my Sassy Sisterhood Girls Circle is winding down for the day. The girls hand in their “Real Me” diaries, which contain the answer to today’s question: “What do you see when you look in the mirror?”

From one to the next, I see the same responses:

“I think I look fat.”

“My belly is too big.”

“I can’t stand my legs.”

Ashley, age fourteen, decides to read her entry to the group. She tells them that she looks in the mirror and squeezes the fat on her size-8 thighs. “You’re disgusting,” she admits to scowling at herself. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head when she recalls the triple chocolate sundae — made with frozen yogurt instead of the real thing — she ate the night before during a family outing. “I try to be good ... and I keep telling myself that I have to have more willpower, or I’ll never be a size 0.”

The other girls nod, twist their mouths or raise their eyebrows in empathy, their own encouragement coming in the form of self-loathing:

“I wish I had your thighs, Ashley! Mine are all squishy!”

“Yeah, and you have the flattest stomach. I’m like a beached whale.”

“You guys are crazy. I’m the biggest one here!”

“I never eat ice cream. If I do, I feel huge. And I hate it.”

“I’m getting depressed.”

As girls — and, later, women — we’re informally schooled to be critical of ourselves in order to fit in; we’re taught to bring ourselves down in order to cheer someone else up. That’s part of the way girls help each other reestablish their “goodness of fit” — their ability to interlock like puzzle pieces, to the best of their efforts, and claim their place within their immediate group or community. This often means scripting out a predictable exchange that denigrates the self while affirming the other — a pattern that is then picked up by the other girl as if it were a baton. As the girls say, “You can’t be, like, ‘I’m all that.’ People like you better if you complain about how you look.” The problem, though, is that somewhere along the line, we started believing our own criticism.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fattest of them all?
If it’s true, as Mary Pipher, author of “Reviving Ophelia,” says, that in their teens, “Girls become ‘female impersonators’ who fit their whole selves into small, crowded spaces,” I believe they get their practice in front of the mirror.

While the common perception is that “body bullying” or “body bashing” — which I define as the teasing, ostracizing or threatening of a person because of how she looks, specifically with regard to weight — is committed by external sources, such as teachers, family members, friends or strangers, more often than not, it begins with an even harsher critic: the girl herself.

. . .

now obviously us ORers are all intelligent, strong types who are groovy enough to love Prince and what he stands for. we are individuals who think outside of the box and we do not allow mere peer pressure to affect us.

still, i'm curious as to whether or not any of us Women of the ORG have ever been aware of experiencing this kind of pressure?

is conforming to a 'beautiful body' standard a good thing, in your view?

or do we waste valuable time and energy attempting to be like movie stars?

[Edited 11/12/10 4:10am]

This image makes me sad.

At the same time, I obsess over my body and my appearance and it tends to run my life and affect the way I think 24/7.

I can't even enjoy my pregnancy because of it.

Of course I'm not as bad as usual, but when I'm not pregnant, it runs my life. If I feel I've been bad about what I ate Tuesday, I don't even wanna get outta bed Wednesday. It effects my whold day.

I'm very careful around my daughter, I don't want her to be like that. I've already caught her saying things here and there, like 'look at my belly' and I tell her its beautiful, and when she tells me I look beautiful today I fight the urge to say 'No I don't' and instead I say, your right Daisy, I do, Thank You!

But I think we can only protect our kids so much. Theres the pressure to be like the other little girls at school and what not.

Also with my son, he gained an excess amount of weight during my divorce, and it was all in his boobs and belly, and I was very concerned about it. It wasn't like a growth spurt, it was just unhealthy. I expressed to his Dad that I didn't want him eating chips and salami sandwiches anymore when he is over there, but he didn't listen, and I can't control that, so I just stopped buying junk for at my house, and made sure we were more active and little by little it came off. I noticed he would gourge himself at dinner and eat so quickly and scarf so much food down he'd choke, and he had never been like that prior to the divorce, so I knew he was using food as a vice. So I just told him that I didn't want him to be unhealthy and made sure he CHEWED his food before swallowing. I nev er told him it was cuz he had gotten so heavy so fast, and I don't think he ever noticed what was going on.

johnart said:

Well, they don't.

Oh sit down, I'm kidding for Cher's sake.

We all have one...

XxAxX said:

now obviously us ORers are all intelligent, strong types who are groovy enough to love Prince and what he stands for. we are individuals who think outside of the box and we do not allow mere peer pressure to affect us.

still, i'm curious as to whether or not any of us Women of the ORG have ever been aware of experiencing this kind of pressure?

is conforming to a 'beautiful body' standard a good thing, in your view?

or do we waste valuable time and energy attempting to be like movie stars?

[Edited 11/12/10 4:10am]

what's an ORer? is that like an OTA? Im confuzzled.

BklynBabe said:I will say that kids and teenagers appear to be living 24-7 on fast food and are obese at very young Ages and that's alarming. A lot of the young girls have bodies that look like mine now. Hell I'm nearing 40 so I know it's easy to pack and hard to lose but I can look back and say that I looked good in my teenage years. These girls can't. We do need to do something in a positive way to help young women who are truly obese or mentally confused. Hmmm, I might propose a grant to start an exercise program.

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

uPtoWnNY said:

BklynBabe said:I will say that kids and teenagers appear to be living 24-7 on fast food and are obese at very young Ages and that's alarming. A lot of the young girls have bodies that look like mine now. Hell I'm nearing 40 so I know it's easy to pack and hard to lose but I can look back and say that I looked good in my teenage years. These girls can't. We do need to do something in a positive way to help young women who are truly obese or mentally confused. Hmmm, I might propose a grant to start an exercise program.

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

Amen.

My mom never needed government assistance to say, "Go play outside."

It's funny cuz it's true.

[Edited 11/12/10 9:08am]

Genesia said:

uPtoWnNY said:

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

Amen.

My mom never needed government assistance to say, "Go play outside."

It's funny cuz it's true.

[Edited 11/12/10 9:08am]

...and looking back, I ate all kinds of unhealthy shit as a kid(sugar-coated cereals and Wonder bread for example). But I was outside running around, playing stickball or games like hot peas and butter or riding a bike. And I lived in the projects. Suburban kids have no excuse.

Now we need studies for this shit?

uPtoWnNY said:

Genesia said:

Amen.

My mom never needed government assistance to say, "Go play outside."

It's funny cuz it's true.

[Edited 11/12/10 9:08am]

...and looking back, I ate all kinds of unhealthy shit as a kid(sugar-coated cereals and Wonder bread for example). But I was outside running around, playing stickball or games like hot peas and butter or riding a bike. And I lived in the projects. Suburban kids have no excuse.

Now we need studies for this shit?

I actually ate super healthy as a kid - because I grew up before manufactured foods became the be-all/end-all. But, yeah - we were outside all the time, playing freeze tag, statue, red light/green light, kick the can, riding bikes, swimming, etc. We played Marco Polo 'til our lips turned blue.

BklynBabe said:

Shursh now! There's good free money in doing programs and studies on common sense stuff people should already know

"Free" money? Is that what we're calling that stuff that disappears from my paycheck every week?

BklynBabe said:

Shursh now! There's good free money in doing programs and studies on common sense stuff people should already know

Or you can put a tax on certain foods/drinks to force people to eat healthier. Another brilliant idea from the pimps in power.

http://www.newsmax.com/InsideCover/bloomberg-soda-tax-schools/2010/03/08/id/351987

TotalANXiousNESS said:

XxAxX said:

now obviously us ORers are all intelligent, strong types who are groovy enough to love Prince and what he stands for. we are individuals who think outside of the box and we do not allow mere peer pressure to affect us.

still, i'm curious as to whether or not any of us Women of the ORG have ever been aware of experiencing this kind of pressure?

is conforming to a 'beautiful body' standard a good thing, in your view?

or do we waste valuable time and energy attempting to be like movie stars?

[Edited 11/12/10 4:10am]

This image makes me sad.

At the same time, I obsess over my body and my appearance and it tends to run my life and affect the way I think 24/7.

I can't even enjoy my pregnancy because of it.

Of course I'm not as bad as usual, but when I'm not pregnant, it runs my life. If I feel I've been bad about what I ate Tuesday, I don't even wanna get outta bed Wednesday. It effects my whold day.

I'm very careful around my daughter, I don't want her to be like that. I've already caught her saying things here and there, like 'look at my belly' and I tell her its beautiful, and when she tells me I look beautiful today I fight the urge to say 'No I don't' and instead I say, your right Daisy, I do, Thank You!

But I think we can only protect our kids so much. Theres the pressure to be like the other little girls at school and what not.

Also with my son, he gained an excess amount of weight during my divorce, and it was all in his boobs and belly, and I was very concerned about it. It wasn't like a growth spurt, it was just unhealthy. I expressed to his Dad that I didn't want him eating chips and salami sandwiches anymore when he is over there, but he didn't listen, and I can't control that, so I just stopped buying junk for at my house, and made sure we were more active and little by little it came off. I noticed he would gourge himself at dinner and eat so quickly and scarf so much food down he'd choke, and he had never been like that prior to the divorce, so I knew he was using food as a vice. So I just told him that I didn't want him to be unhealthy and made sure he CHEWED his food before swallowing. I nev er told him it was cuz he had gotten so heavy so fast, and I don't think he ever noticed what was going on.

based on your photowhore submissions you look totally hot for a preggo. but yeah, i know how you feel. i find myself wondering if my ass looks big in these pants, or if maybe i should have some work done... (i'm at that age)

i have to remind myself 1) who gives a flying fuck what others think about how i look? am i in some kind of beauty show? nope. and 2) this whole appearance obsession plays right into corproate marketing (fashion houses, makeup manufacturers, etc.) perfectly and therefore must be resisted because those people are not motivated by my best interests.

BlackAdder7 said:

XxAxX said:

now obviously us ORers are all intelligent, strong types who are groovy enough to love Prince and what he stands for. we are individuals who think outside of the box and we do not allow mere peer pressure to affect us.

still, i'm curious as to whether or not any of us Women of the ORG have ever been aware of experiencing this kind of pressure?

is conforming to a 'beautiful body' standard a good thing, in your view?

or do we waste valuable time and energy attempting to be like movie stars?

[Edited 11/12/10 4:10am]

do me baby

wellllll ok

BklynBabe said:

I don't remember being overly critical of my body or other girls bodies as a teenager. I knew my body was okay, not fat but predisposed. I never dieted or anything but I was more active. That's when gym was really gym! I feel more self-conscious about my body now as I feel it looks like shit, but I still am not obsessed over it. I will say that kids and teenagers appear to be living 24-7 on fast food and are obese at very young Ages and that's alarming. A lot of the young girls have bodies that look like mine now. Hell I'm nearing 40 so I know it's easy to pack and hard to lose but I can look back and say that I looked good in my teenage years. These girls can't. We do need to do something in a positive way to help young women who are truly obese or mentally confused. Hmmm, I might propose a grant to start an exercise program.

that's a really good idea. interestingly, in high school one of the better classes i took was when a visiting chinese gentleman came through and taught us self defense classes. it was helpful for those of us with self-esteem issues.

not a bad idea for a female in any country, and a good way to work off calories.

uPtoWnNY said:

BklynBabe said:I will say that kids and teenagers appear to be living 24-7 on fast food and are obese at very young Ages and that's alarming. A lot of the young girls have bodies that look like mine now. Hell I'm nearing 40 so I know it's easy to pack and hard to lose but I can look back and say that I looked good in my teenage years. These girls can't. We do need to do something in a positive way to help young women who are truly obese or mentally confused. Hmmm, I might propose a grant to start an exercise program.

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

ok. i'll sign off the ORG in 3....2.....1

Genesia said:

uPtoWnNY said:

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

Amen.

My mom never needed government assistance to say, "Go play outside."

It's funny cuz it's true.

[Edited 11/12/10 9:08am]

now i am old enough to thank my parents for not allowing television in our house

but oh, back in the day it sucked sucked sucked

XxAxX said:

uPtoWnNY said:

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

ok. i'll sign off the ORG in 3....2.....1

i grew up watching nick and mtv. these annoying screaming little fuckers riding their bikes around the condo courtyard impersonating a cop siren 24/7 need a xbox or wii. i'm thinking of giving him my old game gear or playstation. scream in your condo not near my window.

uPtoWnNY said:

BklynBabe said:I will say that kids and teenagers appear to be living 24-7 on fast food and are obese at very young Ages and that's alarming. A lot of the young girls have bodies that look like mine now. Hell I'm nearing 40 so I know it's easy to pack and hard to lose but I can look back and say that I looked good in my teenage years. These girls can't. We do need to do something in a positive way to help young women who are truly obese or mentally confused. Hmmm, I might propose a grant to start an exercise program.

We don't need a grant. Kids should get off the damn computer, put down the Xbox, stop Twittering, and go outside(like we did in our youth).

My mom and I were just talking about that recently. We were talking about how more and more young kids are overweight, compared to when I was a kid. It's true - kids gain weight because they sit around inside the house all day, instead of going outside and running around, like I did as a kid. I never had a weight problem either. Unlike now - I can gain weight without even trying. But that seems to be true of most people, once they reach a certain age. The metabolism just slows down.

<----- Very bad girl.

On the subject of kids... many don't wander outside alone because we now have people who police parents more. Heck I could roam the streets til midnight and people weren't concerned, folks back then didn't stress over kids safety as much. I could even buy cigaretts and liquor for my mom.

Besides, nowadays, kids rooms are full of gagets, heck I didn't even have a phone in my room. Kids now have a reason to lay around.... boredom got you out the house.

Honestly, my kids aren't fat... when they are home... its chore time! There is ALWAYS something to clean/organize.... they FIND excuses to go outside.

make a lazy kid do some yard work..... organize closets, clean out a garage, wash dishes, etc., etc.

paintedlady said:

Honestly, my kids aren't fat... when they are home... its chore time! There is ALWAYS something to clean/organize.... they FIND excuses to go outside.

make a lazy kid do some yard work..... organize closets, clean out a garage, wash dishes, etc., etc.

Yeah, my mom usually gave us a choice - get out of her house or she'd find something for us to do.

Genesia said:

paintedlady said:

Honestly, my kids aren't fat... when they are home... its chore time! There is ALWAYS something to clean/organize.... they FIND excuses to go outside.

make a lazy kid do some yard work..... organize closets, clean out a garage, wash dishes, etc., etc.

Yeah, my mom usually gave us a choice - get out of her house or she'd find something for us to do.

I'm saying!

Smart mom!

I am currently reading "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi

This book is making me see the sadness of what the image of a "perfect" woman is and what that image can do to a person.

the best way to avoid peer pressure is to have no friends

Genesia said:

uPtoWnNY said:

...and looking back, I ate all kinds of unhealthy shit as a kid(sugar-coated cereals and Wonder bread for example). But I was outside running around, playing stickball or games like hot peas and butter or riding a bike. And I lived in the projects. Suburban kids have no excuse.

Now we need studies for this shit?

I actually ate super healthy as a kid - because I grew up before manufactured foods became the be-all/end-all. But, yeah - we were outside all the time, playing freeze tag, statue, red light/green light, kick the can, riding bikes, swimming, etc. We played Marco Polo 'til our lips turned blue.

I played a lot as a kid, but I was also a big time book worm. I would read books in a day or two and the next. And yes, I was heavy. My family picked on me about it big time. Singled me out so much, that I began sneaking food and obssessing. I went on diets all the time from the age of 10. My mom always, always baked goodies. And I would never be allowed to have them. So I'd sneak them. It has become my life now.

But I also played volleyball, basketball, track and field, and also played football with my brothers. I was just a little heavy, but very active in sports. It infuriates me when I see pictures of me as a kid. I was just solid...but I felt like a blimp. But it's my issue now.

Assholes.

It's true....don't be assholes about weight to your kids, the world will affect them enough as it is.