Hey guys,

I normally don't do this...but I feel I need some advice.

Like the title says, my aunt is visiting. I haven't seen this woman in over 6 years. Now, I love her and she's a very nice lady. But I always have this feeling that whenever we're together, she's criticising me in every possible way.

She has a daughter of her own (my cousin). Her daughter was always the social butterfly; popular, wore designer clothes, had tons of friends, travelled the world and s**t. I feel I'm always being compared to her by my aunt. How do I know this? Because the last time I visited her (7 years ago), she made a big deal about the clothes I wear, and how I didn't have enough friends, and how I wasn't a "debutante" like my cousin was in the community. She insisted on buying me new clothes (that weren't my style, they were her daughter's style) and shoes. I was only 13 years old at the time. That made me feel like s**t. And I was already suffering from self-esteem issues.

Anyways, I'm sorta apprehensive now, with her coming over and staying with us for a few weeks, she's gonna do the same thing. I mean, I know she loves me and wants to give me nice things, but I feel like I'm always being criticized by her. Maybe she changed?

But how do I deal with this if she hasn't? I'm 20 now, and I have my own gotdamn life. I don't need yet another person telling me how to run my life. Help.

SherryJackson said:

Hey guys,

I normally don't do this...but I feel I need some advice.

Like the title says, my aunt is visiting. I haven't seen this woman in over 6 years. Now, I love her and she's a very nice lady. But I always have this feeling that whenever we're together, she's criticising me in every possible way.

She has a daughter of her own (my cousin). Her daughter was always the social butterfly; popular, wore designer clothes, had tons of friends, travelled the world and s**t. I feel I'm always being compared to her by my aunt. How do I know this? Because the last time I visited her (7 years ago), she made a big deal about the clothes I wear, and how I didn't have enough friends, and how I wasn't a "debutante" like my cousin was in the community. She insisted on buying me new clothes (that weren't my style, they were her daughter's style) and shoes. I was only 13 years old at the time. That made me feel like s**t. And I was already suffering from self-esteem issues.

Anyways, I'm sorta apprehensive now, with her coming over and staying with us for a few weeks, she's gonna do the same thing. I mean, I know she loves me and wants to give me nice things, but I feel like I'm always being criticized by her. Maybe she changed?

But how do I deal with this if she hasn't? I'm 20 now, and I have my own gotdamn life. I don't need yet another person telling me how to run my life. Help.

If it becomes an issue, explain exactly that to her.... but maybe a little nicer. But honestly, you're only twenty. People are probably going to keep offering you what you think is unneeded (and unwanted) advice for many years. Yes, it's annoying, but years from now you're likely to look back and realize some of it was actually really good. Maybe even important.

Cerebus said:

SherryJackson said:

Hey guys,

I normally don't do this...but I feel I need some advice.

Like the title says, my aunt is visiting. I haven't seen this woman in over 6 years. Now, I love her and she's a very nice lady. But I always have this feeling that whenever we're together, she's criticising me in every possible way.

She has a daughter of her own (my cousin). Her daughter was always the social butterfly; popular, wore designer clothes, had tons of friends, travelled the world and s**t. I feel I'm always being compared to her by my aunt. How do I know this? Because the last time I visited her (7 years ago), she made a big deal about the clothes I wear, and how I didn't have enough friends, and how I wasn't a "debutante" like my cousin was in the community. She insisted on buying me new clothes (that weren't my style, they were her daughter's style) and shoes. I was only 13 years old at the time. That made me feel like s**t. And I was already suffering from self-esteem issues.

Anyways, I'm sorta apprehensive now, with her coming over and staying with us for a few weeks, she's gonna do the same thing. I mean, I know she loves me and wants to give me nice things, but I feel like I'm always being criticized by her. Maybe she changed?

But how do I deal with this if she hasn't? I'm 20 now, and I have my own gotdamn life. I don't need yet another person telling me how to run my life. Help.

If it becomes an issue, explain exactly that to her.... but maybe a little nicer. But honestly, you're only twenty. People are probably going to keep offering you what you think is unneeded (and unwanted) advice for many years. Yes, it's annoying, but years from now you're likely to look back and realize some of it was actually really good. Maybe even important.

With any luck she has changed. I think people tend to grow out of it.

I have an aunt/godmother who was similar in a way, always going on and on about the greatness of their kids, like it was a competition whenever all the grandkids were together. My siblings and I were raised on the poor side. We didn't have opportunities like that. I was never jealous, I always loved my childhood, but I could tell it bugged the shit out of my mom. That was years ago though. Since then they have changed, and I am actually really cool with my cousins, cooler than I was back then even though I see them less. And my aunt actually got better about that and tried to sincerely help more than sit back and boast. When her daughter (my age) was looking at colleges, they took me with since we were graduating the same year. They looked into getting me a job where she retired from, things like that.

So this wasn't really advice on how to deal with it, more just an optimistic view on how your situation could perhaps improve as well.

Cerebus said:

SherryJackson said:

Hey guys,

I normally don't do this...but I feel I need some advice.

Like the title says, my aunt is visiting. I haven't seen this woman in over 6 years. Now, I love her and she's a very nice lady. But I always have this feeling that whenever we're together, she's criticising me in every possible way.

She has a daughter of her own (my cousin). Her daughter was always the social butterfly; popular, wore designer clothes, had tons of friends, travelled the world and s**t. I feel I'm always being compared to her by my aunt. How do I know this? Because the last time I visited her (7 years ago), she made a big deal about the clothes I wear, and how I didn't have enough friends, and how I wasn't a "debutante" like my cousin was in the community. She insisted on buying me new clothes (that weren't my style, they were her daughter's style) and shoes. I was only 13 years old at the time. That made me feel like s**t. And I was already suffering from self-esteem issues.

Anyways, I'm sorta apprehensive now, with her coming over and staying with us for a few weeks, she's gonna do the same thing. I mean, I know she loves me and wants to give me nice things, but I feel like I'm always being criticized by her. Maybe she changed?

But how do I deal with this if she hasn't? I'm 20 now, and I have my own gotdamn life. I don't need yet another person telling me how to run my life. Help.

If it becomes an issue, explain exactly that to her.... but maybe a little nicer. But honestly, you're only twenty. People are probably going to keep offering you what you think is unneeded (and unwanted) advice for many years. Yes, it's annoying, but years from now you're likely to look back and realize some of it was actually really good. Maybe even important.

Thanks for the advice, Cerebus. I guess I could do that. I But yeah, I have to uber nice, or my family will jump on me and crap. My family is so old fashioned it's not funny. If you're younger, you're wrong in your opinion unless you have a very good case to be right. Maybe I exaggerate, but that's how it feels sometimes.

I know I'm young and not the wisest I can be just yet. But I'm not totally stupid. I'm a good kid, I keep my nose clean, stay out of trouble, don't drink or smoke, I work hard...etc. Why do people always insist on dictating my life I'll never know. I really don't do anything worth making a stink about.

FauxReal said:

Cerebus said:

If it becomes an issue, explain exactly that to her.... but maybe a little nicer. But honestly, you're only twenty. People are probably going to keep offering you what you think is unneeded (and unwanted) advice for many years. Yes, it's annoying, but years from now you're likely to look back and realize some of it was actually really good. Maybe even important.

With any luck she has changed. I think people tend to grow out of it.

I have an aunt/godmother who was similar in a way, always going on and on about the greatness of their kids, like it was a competition whenever all the grandkids were together. My siblings and I were raised on the poor side. We didn't have opportunities like that. I was never jealous, I always loved my childhood, but I could tell it bugged the shit out of my mom. That was years ago though. Since then they have changed, and I am actually really cool with my cousins, cooler than I was back then even though I see them less. And my aunt actually got better about that and tried to sincerely help more than sit back and boast. When her daughter (my age) was looking at colleges, they took me with since we were graduating the same year. They looked into getting me a job where she retired from, things like that.

So this wasn't really advice on how to deal with it, more just an optimistic view on how your situation could perhaps improve as well.

Thanks for your optimistic view. I needed that.

As far as any of my aunt's haughty behaviour pissing off my parents, it doesn't happen. Family is above everything, even if they're wrong. It scares me sometimes what they let family get away with.

With my aunt, she's alone in life, kids moved out or married, and we're the only family she has. I love my aunt. Despite her criticism, she's been nicer to me that most of my other family. And I guess in a way, she's just trying to look out for me. But I'm hoping she's changed, and we can have a good relationship, now that I'm older and somewhat better looking than I was at 13.

Try to be away from home as much as possible.

Vendetta1 said:

Try to be away from home as much as possible.

Good idea...

tell her your an independent strong grown woman, and you can take care of yourself...and if she cannot accept that she can go visit somewhere else.

she'll admire your backbone!

BlackAdder7 said:

tell her she can go %^&#%6 and then %&*#%^() herself and if she cannot accept that she can go visit somewhere else.

she'll admire your backbone!

not to mention her command of curse words

BlackAdder7 said:

tell her your an independent strong grown woman, and you can take care of yourself...and if she cannot accept that she can go visit somewhere else.

she'll admire your backbone!

I'm thinking that SherryJackson still lives at home with her parents, so she really doesn't have the right to tell her aunt to visit elsewhere (she can correct me if I'm wrong though).

But if you are with your parents still, I would definitely talk to them about how she makes you feel and your apprehension with her staying with your family. This way, if you do not hang around much they'll understand.

Straight up tell her what you just wrote in your first post.

I would... I bet your aunt doesn't realize how she made you feel by doing what she did. She may have thought she was "helping you".

I would just tell her the truth. She's not your mother and you have more room to be honest with her since she isn't as invested in you like she is with her daughter.

YOU ARE older now, so you should be able to have a mature conversation with her... and yes, you will be judged like an adult after.

She will realize her error and apologize and adjust her behavior if she is mature... if your aunt is a bitch, a line will be drawn in the sand and she will see that you mean business.

Also, you do not know what is reported to her by your parents... there is always a side of the story YOU don't know. So until you move out... expect that type of BS from adults that have nothing better to occupy their days with.

Well, thank you all! I'm touched you all came to give me advice.

She arrived last night. And aside from thinking I'm "too skinny", she told me she was proud of how I turned out.

I guess she really has changed in some ways. I think this might blow over nicely...

Thanks for everything guys. I really appreciated it. Where would I be without you?

paintedlady said:

Straight up tell her what you just wrote in your first post.

I would... I bet your aunt doesn't realize how she made you feel by doing what she did. She may have thought she was "helping you".

I would just tell her the truth. She's not your mother and you have more room to be honest with her since she isn't as invested in you like she is with her daughter.

YOU ARE older now, so you should be able to have a mature conversation with her... and yes, you will be judged like an adult after.

She will realize her error and apologize and adjust her behavior if she is mature... if your aunt is a bitch, a line will be drawn in the sand and she will see that you mean business.

Also, you do not know what is reported to her by your parents... there is always a side of the story YOU don't know. So until you move out... expect that type of BS from adults that have nothing better to occupy their days with.

Heh, thanks. I'll be moving out next September. Thank God. Although now, I kinda live in the reno'ed garage.

Thank you for your advice and care.

Punch her in the mouth.

Honestly, though, maybe you should just tell her what you told us.

If she starts with some criticism or negatively comparing you to someone else, just look her in the face and say, "Auntie, it really makes me feel like crap when you say things like that. I love you and I wish you would see the good things about me. I make kickass cupcakes, bitch, did you know that??"

P.S. If you were into all that debutante shit, you'd be an airheaded dummy.

You're not an airheaded dummy, and that's why I like you!

PunkMistress said:

Honestly, though, maybe you should just tell her what you told us.

If she starts with some criticism or negatively comparing you to someone else, just look her in the face and say, "Auntie, it really makes me feel like crap when you say things like that. I love you and I wish you would see the good things about me. I make kickass cupcakes, bitch, did you know that??"

Awwwwwww!!!!!!! She doesn't know about my cooking or baking. I never cooked for her because she used to own a restaurant. Frustration avoided.

She's really a nice lady. And she seems to have changed her attitude towards me. And we seem to be hitting it off well. But we got two weeks, we'll see what happens.

No, I'm not a deb. Thanks for thinking I'm not stupid. I don't think I am one either

Much love, PM

paintedlady said:

Straight up tell her what you just wrote in your first post.

I would... I bet your aunt doesn't realize how she made you feel by doing what she did. She may have thought she was "helping you".

I would just tell her the truth. She's not your mother and you have more room to be honest with her since she isn't as invested in you like she is with her daughter.

YOU ARE older now, so you should be able to have a mature conversation with her... and yes, you will be judged like an adult after.

She will realize her error and apologize and adjust her behavior if she is mature... if your aunt is a bitch, a line will be drawn in the sand and she will see that you mean business.

Also, you do not know what is reported to her by your parents... there is always a side of the story YOU don't know. So until you move out... expect that type of BS from adults that have nothing better to occupy their days with.

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