Hey y'all. I'm heated now lol. I just had a debate with someone about how much blame the "other women or men" should take in an affair, assuming they know their hookup has a significant other. I'm on the side that the other women/men should feel guilty about their actions, since they know that what they are doing could cause pain to others. The person I was getting heated at thinks most of the blame lies with the person who has a significant other, and that the "other person" taking part in the cheating should not feel responsible or guilty at all.

When I asked why, this person told me that "you have to look out for yourself, and it's not up to you to be concerned with the feelings of people you don't know. If you're not the one doing the cheating you aren't to blame". I could not believe what I was hearing!!! ooh I'm so mad Sorry if this is coming off as a rant, but I can't help myself

Basically I think BOTH the person cheating and the "other woman/man" are to blame and should feel bad about what they are doing.

Now just for background, I haven't been cheated on and I haven't hooked up with someone who has a girlfriend or wife, but I know people who have been in all 3 positions.

How do y'all feel about this?

The other cheater usually never gives a damn about the significant other-I think it's a prerequisite to being a cheater You can't give a shit!

nursev said:

The other cheater usually never gives a damn about the significant other-I think it's a prerequisite to being a cheater You can't give a shit!

true.

but how can someone not feel bad about possibly ruining the life of someone else, especially if you either don't know or don't have any negative history with the significant other of your hookup? Why do some people think the feelings of others they don't know are unimportant?

[Edited 11/4/10 19:45pm]

mimi2 said:

nursev said:

The other cheater usually never gives a damn about the significant other-I think it's a prerequisite to being a cheater You can't give a shit!

true.

but how can someone not feel bad about possibly ruining the life of someone else, especially if you either don't know or don't have any negative history with the significant other of your hookup? Why are the feelings of someone you don't know considered to unimportant?

[Edited 11/4/10 19:43pm]

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

nursev said:

mimi2 said:

true.

but how can someone not feel bad about possibly ruining the life of someone else, especially if you either don't know or don't have any negative history with the significant other of your hookup? Why are the feelings of someone you don't know considered to unimportant?

[Edited 11/4/10 19:43pm]

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

omg I'm so sorry to hear that I just don't understand why people don't care though-it's so disturbing.

I can only speak from what I seen and experienced from a woman's standpoint.

I have turned away many men that are married. They EXPECTED me to sleep with them because I was a single mom of three.... I was even told that I might as well because I would never be seen as marriage material because of my "baggage" or status as a single mom.

This was told to me by 3 married men, I took it as their lame selling point to get some side pussy.

No deal... I told them to fuck off or I would call their wives. Two were successful business men and I was guaranteed payments. Many women who witnessed this called me stupid for not taking a club owner grease-ball up on his offer to be a kept mistress.

Many women my age sleep and look for married men. They prefer it for the financial pay off. Married men, buy you stuff, and pay your bills. Its basically hush money, heck I was even offered living arrangements for me and my kids.... and the single men tend to be single for good reason at my age.

So you get what you look for in a man.

I choose not to listen to men whine and moan about their wives, this way I don't get "caught up"

it isn't any woman's business to console any man that is married. He needs to bring that shit back to his wife therapists or best friend. Otherwise you line yourself up for a messy situation.

Men do lie, but its up to the woman to decide whether they want to live with a lie, and that depends all on her sense of self worth and what she's willing to put up with. So if a woman gets herself in a mess, she can just blame herself for putting up with it.

mimi2 said:

nursev said:

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

omg I'm so sorry to hear that I just don't understand why people don't care though-it's so disturbing.

it's cool I'm a better woman for it-and he is so gone It is disturbing, but I guess adultery is suppose to be I feel like it is the lowest thing a person can do-betray the love and trust of another person. It's very unpretty.

nursev said:

mimi2 said:

true.

but how can someone not feel bad about possibly ruining the life of someone else, especially if you either don't know or don't have any negative history with the significant other of your hookup? Why are the feelings of someone you don't know considered to unimportant?

[Edited 11/4/10 19:43pm]

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

I know a woman that is begging a man to leave his wife for her... the wife asked repeatedly to be left alone and asked her to leave her husbabnd alone. The husband asked her to leave him alone too... but she held on. Three miscarriages and 10+ years later, this woman is still trying to keep this married man. Sad.

if it was pertaining to my marriage

other woman... all of it

other man... none of it

if it was another woman with my wife... i'd be too busy on my knees thankin' the lord to decide

thanks for sharing your stories, nursev and paintedlady. I see both y'all came to the same point-that people who don't care about the feelings of others are like that because they don't respect or care about themselves. That does make perfect sense.

Thanks ladies I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks everyone should be aware of their actions and accept blame if it hurts others.

paintedlady said:

nursev said:

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

I know a woman that is begging a man to leave his wife for her... the wife asked repeatedly to be left alone and asked her to leave her husbabnd alone. The husband asked her to leave him alone too... but she held on. Three miscarriages and 10+ years later, this woman is still trying to keep this married man. Sad.

Just another example of what some folks will do to keep someone else's spouse. Men and women do shit like this-no one is exempt. I think people should really say that stealing someone else's man or woman is just something they won't do until then scandalous shit will continue.

blissagain said:

if it was pertaining to my marriage

other woman... all of it

other man... none of it

if it was another woman with my wife... i'd be too busy on my knees thankin' the lord to decide

Why do give different answers depending on gender of the other person?

paintedlady said:

nursev said:

Been there, done that Was cheated on during my marriage and the chick lived around the corner She knew of me and still did the dirty deed People who sink that low really don't care about anyone including themselves.

I know a woman that is begging a man to leave his wife for her... the wife asked repeatedly to be left alone and asked her to leave her husbabnd alone. The husband asked her to leave him alone too... but she held on. Three miscarriages and 10+ years later, this woman is still trying to keep this married man. Sad.

That is so messed up.

mimi2 said:

thanks for sharing your stories, nursev and paintedlady. I see both y'all came to the same point-that people who don't care about the feelings of others are like that because they don't respect or care about themselves. That does make perfect sense.

Thanks ladies I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks everyone should be aware of their actions and accept blame if it hurts others.

ur welcome

mimi2 said:

paintedlady said:

I know a woman that is begging a man to leave his wife for her... the wife asked repeatedly to be left alone and asked her to leave her husbabnd alone. The husband asked her to leave him alone too... but she held on. Three miscarriages and 10+ years later, this woman is still trying to keep this married man. Sad.

That is so messed up.

I couldn't stay friends with this woman, she seemed wonderful at first, but she has deep issues and they manifested themselves in all her relationships. She was always lying and eventually I found out the truth about her lifestyle.

It wasn't my business, but I can't stay friends with a liar, she lied to me about too much stuff and she liked to play the victim in all situations. I found her to be toxic and had to move on.

nursev said:

ur welcome

paintedlady said:

mimi2 said:

That is so messed up.

I couldn't stay friends with this woman, she seemed wonderful at first, but she has deep issues and they manifested themselves in all her relationships. She was always lying and eventually I found out the truth about her lifestyle.

It wasn't my business, but I can't stay friends with a liar, she lied to me about too much stuff and she liked to play the victim in all situations. I found her to be toxic and had to move on.

good for you! I'm not surprised her deceit carried over to other aspects of her life

well I feel so much better now for letting it all out here This girl must go to bed now. Thanks again

I think it depends on how the other woman/man would react if they were cheated on.

If they get all homicidal and shit, they stand to blame for being a hypocrite if nothing else.

If they really wouldn't give a damn if they themselves were cheated on, then I would assign them some blame, but not as much as if they did care.

Either way, most the blame goes to the person in the relationship.

Of my actual close friends, I know two that have been the mistress but have later been cheated on. They weren't all that happy about it to say the least. In their cases, I figure a good deal of blame lies with them. Call it Karma or whatever, but it's hard to feel bad when it happened to them.

Both are to blame if they knowingly engage in piece-on-the-side action.

That said, I do not care.

Both are definitely to blame. I've never cheated or been cheated on, but I do have a few friends that have been that "other" girl. One of their excuses was "well she ain't giving him any " Coming from that standpoint, it's really a no risk (assuming the guy is disease-free) high reward situation. I mean, if other girl "a" says no, the guy isn't going to stop; he's going to find someone else so at the end of the day his significant other is going to be hurt, so why not it be you that gets some? It's pretty messed up, but we live in a world where people just don't give a damn about each other.

I was once in a situation where suprisingly nothing happened. So my partner asked WHY NOT "what's wrong with him?????" (nice to know he thinks I must be so irrisistible ), and I supposed it was because the man in question was a "good person who would not do that to you, or our marriage" and he said "but I don't KNOW him, why should he think of me?"

I'd say they're both to blame.

Though if I was put in a situation where my husband was carrying on with another woman, I wouldn't be using any energy blaming her. It would be him that i'd be mad at.

paintedlady said:

mimi2 said:

That is so messed up.

I couldn't stay friends with this woman, she seemed wonderful at first, but she has deep issues and they manifested themselves in all her relationships. She was always lying and eventually I found out the truth about her lifestyle.

It wasn't my business, but I can't stay friends with a liar, she lied to me about too much stuff and she liked to play the victim in all situations. I found her to be toxic and had to move on.

Excellent choice.

i always blame the woman more because i expect them to know better. men are just pigs.

it's not fair, but it's honest.

To answer the question of the thread, both parties are to blame but the person cheated on shouldn't expect the person that their signficant other cheated with to have some sympathy for their feelings. After all, the whole affair happens when both parties are only thinking of the moment. I know as paintedlady said, most women my age actually seek out and target married men because they get the benefits of having all that they want paid for and getting the dick here and there without the responsiblity of a real relationship..plus they don't have to wash nobody's drawers but their own. I know I've been approached by married men myself, even though they knew I had a boyfriend, they still beckoned me because they didn't give a damn. It's all about that extra noch under their belt.

Both are wrong and both SHOULD feel bad, but thats just not how it is a lot of times.

If it were me being cheated though, I would blame my husband. The other woman doesn't owe me anything, HE does.

paintedlady said:

I can only speak from what I seen and experienced from a woman's standpoint.

I have turned away many men that are married. They EXPECTED me to sleep with them because I was a single mom of three.... I was even told that I might as well because I would never be seen as marriage material because of my "baggage" or status as a single mom.

This was told to me by 3 married men, I took it as their lame selling point to get some side pussy.

No deal... I told them to fuck off or I would call their wives. Two were successful business men and I was guaranteed payments. Many women who witnessed this called me stupid for not taking a club owner grease-ball up on his offer to be a kept mistress.

Many women my age sleep and look for married men. They prefer it for the financial pay off. Married men, buy you stuff, and pay your bills. Its basically hush money, heck I was even offered living arrangements for me and my kids.... and the single men tend to be single for good reason at my age.

So you get what you look for in a man.

I choose not to listen to men whine and moan about their wives, this way I don't get "caught up"

it isn't any woman's business to console any man that is married. He needs to bring that shit back to his wife therapists or best friend. Otherwise you line yourself up for a messy situation.

Men do lie, but its up to the woman to decide whether they want to live with a lie, and that depends all on her sense of self worth and what she's willing to put up with. So if a woman gets herself in a mess, she can just blame herself for putting up with it.

So how do u see a situation where a females comes after married men?

Both are wrong, but the person who has the significant other is more wrong.

nursev said:

paintedlady said:

I know a woman that is begging a man to leave his wife for her... the wife asked repeatedly to be left alone and asked her to leave her husbabnd alone. The husband asked her to leave him alone too... but she held on. Three miscarriages and 10+ years later, this woman is still trying to keep this married man. Sad.

Just another example of what some folks will do to keep someone else's spouse. Men and women do shit like this-no one is exempt. I think people should really say that stealing someone else's man or woman is just something they won't do until then scandalous shit will continue.

Can't be done. No one can STEAL someone's wife or husband. If the married person leaves, it's because the marriage wasn't stable to begin with and the husband or wife would have left eventually with someone else.

But to answer your question, should the other woman/man feel blame? Well, it's pretty obvious most don't give a rat's ass. Both cheaters are fulfilling a need whether it be because their lives are unhappy/unfulfilled or they're just dogs. Yes, woman can be "dogs," too.

When I was in my late twenties, I met a man at a Halloween party. Fine as he wanted to be, but just had that "married" look. The first think out of my mouth after our introduction was, "How are the wife and kids?" He looked kind of surprised and said, "Oh! Um, they're fine." I said, "Now that we've got that out of the way, why are you here?"

Long story short, we started an affair. It was strictly sexual. I knew I didn't want him as a long-term lover, and I certainly wouldn't have married him had he left his wife. If a man leaves his wife for you, HE'LL LEAVE YOUR ASS, TOO!

Did I feel bad for the wife? At first I didn't. I didn't know her, never saw her, and didn't want any drama. However, when I asked the hubby how long they had been married before he started cheating and he said, "two weeks," I knew he wasn't shit, and kind of felt bad for her then. Not because I had cheated, but that the poor woman didn't have a fighting chance with her hoe of a husband! I finally ended it after I got interested in a single man who wanted to spend time with me exclusively.

whistle said:

i always blame the woman more because i expect them to know better. men are just pigs.

it's not fair, but it's honest.

So if your husband started cheating, you would go after the woman? Your hubby will have it real easy if he's a cheater. He'll just figure, "Well, she know's I'm a pig, but she's not mad at me! Man, I've got a good woman!"

Shyra said:

whistle said:

i always blame the woman more because i expect them to know better. men are just pigs.

it's not fair, but it's honest.

So if your husband started cheating, you would go after the woman? Your hubby will have it real easy if he's a cheater. He'll just figure, "Well, she know's I'm a pig, but she's not mad at me! Man, I've got a good woman!"

I think Whistle is a dude.