I think there's a difference between "thinking about suicide" and "being ready/willing to kill yourself"...

I once thought about suicide, just for a couple of minutes. I really don't want to talk about it, but there was a time when I was full of fear and doubts about the system/my future; I was at an all time low for a couple of weeks: you can say that I was slighty depressed and during one specially rough night I briefly thought about suicide as a possibility; of course I quickly dismissed that possibility because it only "offered" death, so it was not a solution, just the violent ending of my life; on top of that, as many have said, the fear of death and the fear of pain also helped me to quickly dismiss "the thought of suicide". Family support and personal projects helped me to overcome my short depression.

Suicide is not a solution, is an act of desperation...

johnart said:

I've never contemplated suicide.

I mean, I've had thoughts like if Ron was no longer in my life would I do this?...but not with any degree of certainty that I actually might.

My mother was very ill and in a lot of pain and pretty much completely disabled at the end of her life. She asked us to assist end her pain. Actually, technically she asked that we make all of her medications (heavy heavy doses of Oxycontin among other things) available. Since the use of her hands was extremely affected, I used to dispense all of her meds. We made a deal (it was right around Christmas, a very special time for us always and this particular year we had a larger than usual family reunion) that if she could hang on and the pain did not ease after the holiday, we'd help her.

Miraculously her pain seemed to ease somewhat (it was never going to get considerably better at that point) during the holiday, and she even was able to reunite with her mother (who had not wanted anything to do with us since my high school days). She passed on New Year's Eve 1999.

I would have followed on my promise, even if it destroyed me inside to do so. It was much worse to watch her suffer with no end in sight.

[Edited 10/7/10 15:05pm]

Jesus Christie Brinkley, this post made me cry.

I fuckin love you, John.

MoniGram said:

Interesting subject and I have had my share of it.

When I was a teenager I tried to kill myself and I have the scars on my wrists to remind me of that time in my life. I wanted to die due to my abusive Mother, my own self worth at being a child of adoption and having her adoptive Mother beat her and say she wished she never adopted me. It was a time in my life that I will never forget. I am thankful now that I didn't die, because I realize now what I would have missed out on.

Sadly my son who is 17 now had to deal with two friends taking their own lives. He was in 6th grade at the time and his dear friend hung himself in the tree house they use to play in. He killed himself because he was picked on in school for being nerdy etc...He would have graduated high school last year if he didn't do this. Picking on a child is awful and it angers me when it happens. I get upset with the kids doing it, and the parents that won't open their eyes and realize their child is a bully. That saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." So wrong!!! Words are the worst and can scar you for life.

Then about a month later my son's crush shot herself in the head in her bedroom because she thought her adoptive parents were going to give her back. Why she thought this way I don't know. This young lady left voice messages on her best friend's cell phone and my son's telling them good-bye. My son to this day has pictures of her hanging on his bedroom wall.

Both suicides deeply hurt my son, and broke my heart.

PunkMistress said:

johnart said:

I've never contemplated suicide.

I mean, I've had thoughts like if Ron was no longer in my life would I do this?...but not with any degree of certainty that I actually might.

My mother was very ill and in a lot of pain and pretty much completely disabled at the end of her life. She asked us to assist end her pain. Actually, technically she asked that we make all of her medications (heavy heavy doses of Oxycontin among other things) available. Since the use of her hands was extremely affected, I used to dispense all of her meds. We made a deal (it was right around Christmas, a very special time for us always and this particular year we had a larger than usual family reunion) that if she could hang on and the pain did not ease after the holiday, we'd help her.

Miraculously her pain seemed to ease somewhat (it was never going to get considerably better at that point) during the holiday, and she even was able to reunite with her mother (who had not wanted anything to do with us since my high school days). She passed on New Year's Eve 1999.

I would have followed on my promise, even if it destroyed me inside to do so. It was much worse to watch her suffer with no end in sight.

[Edited 10/7/10 15:05pm]

Jesus Christie Brinkley, this post made me cry.

I fuckin love you, John.

Shut the fuck up. Christie Brinkley.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

PunkMistress said:

For me, when I was in the depths of depression and mental anguish, nothing made me happy or gave me pleasure. I couldn't sit still long enough to enjoy anything; all I could do was cry and hurt.

well for me when I wanted more than anything to be dead, music helped me get through. maybe that's just an isolated experience.

I know it's not isolated; I've heard countless people say similar things about how music literally saved their lives. It's just not an experience that I shared.

PunkMistress said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

well for me when I wanted more than anything to be dead, music helped me get through. maybe that's just an isolated experience.

I know it's not isolated; I've heard countless people say similar things about how music literally saved their lives. It's just not an experience that I shared.

well I can't believe it worked it did tho

Lammastide said:

PunkMistress said:

For me, when I was in the depths of depression and mental anguish, nothing made me happy or gave me pleasure. I couldn't sit still long enough to enjoy anything; all I could do was cry and hurt.

What kept you here?

A combination of lots of things.

I have clinical depression, which runs in my family. I believe I'm genetically predisposed to it. I think it was aggravated by many things, including the following:

I was sexually and physically abused by several older, trusted authority figures. One was a family member who molested me for years when I was a young child. My father was physically abusive and very psychologically manipulative and abusive. As a teen, I acted out because of my pain, rage and confusion. When I was 15, I was targeted by a youth worker who preyed on all my emotional pain and insecurity and led me into a really fucked up and twisted sexual/emotional relationship. When I heard the victims of Bishop Eddie Long (I call them victims because I believe them) tell their stories, chills ran down my spine because it rang so true to me. I have no doubt that those boys are telling the truth.

Number23 said:

Felt lower than a snake's balls at times, but never suicidal. I'm fully aware my perception of 'I' as a concious self awareness trapped in the infinite fabric of four dimentional spacetime is delusional at best, but for as long as I convince myself this brain vehice actually means something to someone, anyone, I'll keep on going. I'm just glad I don't suffer from clinical depression - that must be hellish.

That's either really selfless or weirdly narcissistic.

Either way, glad to see it'd keep you here.

[Edited 10/7/10 15:26pm]

PunkMistress said:

Lammastide said:

What kept you here?

A combination of lots of things.

I have clinical depression, which runs in my family. I believe I'm genetically predisposed to it. I think it was aggravated by many things, including the following:

I was sexually and physically abused by several older, trusted authority figures. One was a family member who molested me for years when I was a young child. My father was physically abusive and very psychologically manipulative and abusive. As a teen, I acted out because of my pain, rage and confusion. When I was 15, I was targeted by a youth worker who preyed on all my emotional pain and insecurity and led me into a really fucked up and twisted sexual/emotional relationship. When I heard the victims of Bishop Eddie Long (I call them victims because I believe them) tell their stories, chills ran down my spine because it rang so true to me. I have no doubt that those boys are telling the truth.

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It's STUNNING what some of us go through. I'm curious, though: What's kept you alive, do you think?

I can't describe it, but it's just like you're stuck in this horrible feeling that won't go away. It's like a really bad acid trip. Reality is distorted, you're completely out of control of your body, mind and emotions. The self hate is like a seething monster. It's torture. I just wanted it to stop.

Lammastide said:

PunkMistress said:

A combination of lots of things.

I have clinical depression, which runs in my family. I believe I'm genetically predisposed to it. I think it was aggravated by many things, including the following:

I was sexually and physically abused by several older, trusted authority figures. One was a family member who molested me for years when I was a young child. My father was physically abusive and very psychologically manipulative and abusive. As a teen, I acted out because of my pain, rage and confusion. When I was 15, I was targeted by a youth worker who preyed on all my emotional pain and insecurity and led me into a really fucked up and twisted sexual/emotional relationship. When I heard the victims of Bishop Eddie Long (I call them victims because I believe them) tell their stories, chills ran down my spine because it rang so true to me. I have no doubt that those boys are telling the truth.

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It's STUNNING what some of us go through. I'm curious, though: What's kept you alive, do you think?

I had my first daughter at 18. Since then, my children have been a big factor.

Before that and beyond that? I think simple animal survival instinct and fear of death. And not knowing how many pills to take to do it right.

PunkMistress said:

I can't describe it, but it's just like you're stuck in this horrible feeling that won't go away. It's like a really bad acid trip. Reality is distorted, you're completely out of control of your body, mind and emotions. The self hate is like a seething monster. It's torture. I just wanted it to stop.

Did it change through the correct knowledge of yourself as not being any part of that seething monster of self loathing?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

PunkMistress said:

I can't describe it, but it's just like you're stuck in this horrible feeling that won't go away. It's like a really bad acid trip. Reality is distorted, you're completely out of control of your body, mind and emotions. The self hate is like a seething monster. It's torture. I just wanted it to stop.

Did it change through the correct knowledge of yourself as not being any part of that seething monster of self loathing?

My (ongoing) journey of understanding, awakening and knowing has definitely helped with that, yes.

PunkMistress said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Did it change through the correct knowledge of yourself as not being any part of that seething monster of self loathing?

My (ongoing) journey of understanding, awakening and knowing has definitely helped with that, yes.

I'm glad you got to take that journey

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

PunkMistress said:

My (ongoing) journey of understanding, awakening and knowing has definitely helped with that, yes.

I'm glad you got to take that journey

Me too!

Know what else really helped?

Growing the fuck up and realizing how self-absorbed it is to be so depressed. People all over the world suffer, so many suffer far more than I. Life is suffering. Life is also joy. My problems and pain are not special.

I think suicide is a direct result of long term depression, and depression can be a result of many things: bullying, relationship issues, family issues, financial issues, self-image issues, employment issues... the list goes on. Depression can also be genetic, and just there forever. Its like a shadow that looms over your head constantly, and even though you have good days there is always a deep sadness looming in your head.

Very strange thing, and sometimes someone decides they no longer wish to put up with it so they commit suicide. I'm guessing it is a decision they have thought about often, but the time they actually do it, it would be a decision made on a whim. A kind of "fuck this, i can't be bothered anymore" & 5 minutes later they are dead. I think more often than not they forget about the bigger picture of the result of their suicide... family, friends, etc

Sometimes, no matter how hard they try, someone can never get rid of the deep sadness they feel within. The best they can do is do whatever they can do to make them happy, even if its temporary happiness.

[Edited 10/7/10 15:37pm]

PunkMistress said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I'm glad you got to take that journey

Me too!

I know there is so much about the experience that is seemingly/actually unreachable but do you think you could make inroads with someone who has been through a similar experience?

PunkMistress said:

Know what else really helped?

Growing the fuck up and realizing how self-absorbed it is to be so depressed. People all over the world suffer, so many suffer far more than I. Life is suffering. Life is also joy. My problems and pain are not special.

I think about this every time I start feeling sorry for myself.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

PunkMistress said:

Me too!

I know there is so much about the experience that is seemingly/actually unreachable but do you think you could make inroads with someone who has been through a similar experience?

I'm not sure I'm in a place where I could do that.

During the worst of my health issues during the last year, I was dangerously close to falling prey to those same feelings when I was in so much pain and unable to do any of the things that I identify with having a productive life.

Reaching out to someone in the depths of it might not be something I'd be successful at at this point in my life. Maybe later.

Vendetta1 said:

PunkMistress said:

Know what else really helped?

Growing the fuck up and realizing how self-absorbed it is to be so depressed. People all over the world suffer, so many suffer far more than I. Life is suffering. Life is also joy. My problems and pain are not special.

I think about this every time I start feeling sorry for myself.

I went thru a period of wondering whether or not anyone would care if I was gone. I felt so bad about myself, it seemed like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. Those feelings stemmed from a combination of things.

Now I try to focus on the positives...

missing "e"

[Edited 10/7/10 18:47pm]

chocolate1 said:

I went thru a period of wondering whether or not anyone would care if I was gone. I felt so bad about myself, it seemed like it wouldn't matter if I was her or not. Those feelings stemmed from a combination of things.

Now I try to focus on the positives...

PunkMistress said:

chocolate1 said:

I went thru a period of wondering whether or not anyone would care if I was gone. I felt so bad about myself, it seemed like it wouldn't matter if I was her or not. Those feelings stemmed from a combination of things.

Now I try to focus on the positives...

it was never about self-loathing with me, it was about the pointlessness of life as i saw it. i still have problems with it. i really struggle to find things to look forward to as i get older.

perhaps this is where not having children gets me...

It's not that I really consider suicide, but sometimes more that I get tired of people, this society, this world, and all the drama and bullshit involved and I just want to get the fuck away. If there was a deserted island I could have for my own then no I wouldn't want to commit suicide ever, or another planet that had intelligent and kind beings to socialize with, or just something different. I just get so disgusted with all the crap that happens on this planet! And I feel like I have to force myself to find the positives.

At the same token, I've also considered mass homicide.

BklynBabe said:

At the same token, I've also considered mass homicide.

It is a very complicated and ever changing emotion (for lack of a better word for it.)

I have contemplated it several times. Planned it out and seriously considered it many times.

Like others here who have been abused as a child, and have mental illness in the family, it is something that I realise will always haunt me.

For me anxiety and depression go hand in hand, they are a part of me that I live with. I used to wish they would go away forever but I know deep down, it is just inside of me. I have had to learn to deal with those emotions when they creep up. I have had to learn to recognise the signs and try to do things to keep the feelings at bay so they do not drag me down into the depths they have in the past.

For me it seems a constant struggle and some times I am prepared and have the energy for it and some times I don't.

Hearing about the recent suicides from the boys who were bullied, makes my heart ache. For them and their families.

I had an ex boss tell me that she has never felt depressed a day in her life.

Lucky, lucky person.

chocolate1 said:

I went thru a period of wondering whether or not anyone would care if I was gone. I felt so bad about myself, it seemed like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. Those feelings stemmed from a combination of things.

Now I try to focus on the positives...

missing "e"

[Edited 10/7/10 18:47pm]