I know this question is cliche and hard to answer.

I used to think that people could change old habits, but now I'm not so sure. Do they eventually go back to them over time.

Okay, without going too much into detail, I have always had this nagging suspiscion that the reason my boyfriend and his ex wife got divorced was not really the reason he told me. So after a bit more time together, I am starting to piece it together more, and seeing what happened (which is basically what he told me) but there was a little more to it than that.

Well, I just have the absolute hardest time trusting ppl, mainly men, which I didn't used to be like that, its pretty annoying, but ANYWAY, I know the trust issue is my issue, not his, and it's really unfair to him.

He give me no reason not to trust him, and is great, and that scares me. It makes it to hard to believe so I keep digging for stuff, and come up with nothing.

Okay, so back to the real question. If he had this problem before in his other marriage, but it's gone now, do you think it will come back, or do you think people can learn from the mistake the first time, and not do it anymore?

oh and its not ps3.

Why do you feel suspicious towards him? Is it because of your past? Or does it have to do his history?

In your situation, I would focus on why YOU have the thought process that you do.

Remember, the "nature" of a person does NOT change. A person's personality will stay the same. But reaction to a situation can change with added knowledge.

For instance,

a batterer can stop hitting, but this doesn't mean that he/she will end abusive behavior. The abuse can change from violent hitting and verbal abuse to emotional manipulation. The ending result will be the same for the victim of the batterer will suffer from self esteem issues and live in fear.

It will take councel (knowledge) to change the thought pattern of the abuser to make real change happen, so the abuser behaves and reacts in healthier ways to any situation.

So, remember there are always two sides to any story, especially a story that ends in divorce. So its up to you to read between the lines and pick up on cues and clues to what is not told to you in order to recieve a better understanding of the situation (story). Unless to have access to the other 1/2 of the story.

But it seems like you already put so much trust in the new person in your life, he is now in a important role. Its best to move forward from this point and focus on what will make the situation better.

It is better to change yourself than to try to change someone else. You can't change people, just yourself. Respect him, since you chose him and enjoy the ride.

Yes. Constantly. So do you. And I ain't even readin' your post.

I believe that people can change.

But they need to honestly see themselves how they are, recognize their problem, and have a desire to change.

Even then, it might still be a struggle since they've lived a certain way for so many years, it's not easy.

I think it takes drastic changes for a person to change. Sounds funny, but there´s some truth to it. Radical changes can often change a person....like having kids, or death, or a disease, or losing or winning tons of money etc. etc.

Then again, I´ve seen so many changes in some people´s lives, and yet they didn´t change very much at all.

When I was twelve, my old teacher used to say that people don´t really change, that they only change on the surface, and that the character stays pretty much the same.

Twenty years later , when I met her again, she knew almost exactly how most people in my class turned out to be as adults.

There´s a Turkish saying which goes like " At the age of 70, you´re pretty much the same as you were at the age of 7".....I´m just paraphrasing here.

I don´ t really know the answer to this and I think there´s no absolute and certain truth when it comes to this question. I would love to know the answer myself.Sometimes I think that people can change but then again, most of the time they are living proof that people don´t really change at all.

When it comes to relationships, I rather tend to be more pessimistic.

paintedlady said:

Why do you feel suspicious towards him? Is it because of your past? Or does it have to do his history?

In your situation, I would focus on why YOU have the thought process that you do.

Remember, the "nature" of a person does NOT change. A person's personality will stay the same. But reaction to a situation can change with added knowledge.

For instance,

a batterer can stop hitting, but this doesn't mean that he/she will end abusive behavior. The abuse can change from violent hitting and verbal abuse to emotional manipulation. The ending result will be the same for the victim of the batterer will suffer from self esteem issues and live in fear.

It will take councel (knowledge) to change the thought pattern of the abuser to make real change happen, so the abuser behaves and reacts in healthier ways to any situation.

So, remember there are always two sides to any story, especially a story that ends in divorce. So its up to you to read between the lines and pick up on cues and clues to what is not told to you in order to recieve a better understanding of the situation (story). Unless to have access to the other 1/2 of the story.

But it seems like you already put so much trust in the new person in your life, he is now in a important role. Its best to move forward from this point and focus on what will make the situation better.

It is better to change yourself than to try to change someone else. You can't change people, just yourself. Respect him, since you chose him and enjoy the ride.

I guess the reason I'm suspicious would be because of my past. And because at times he seems to good to be true, so I think Okay, what is REALLY going on here.....The thing I'm worried about him doing is something that wouldn't of bothered me at all in my past relationships....for whatever reason....that is what I can't figure out.

I like what you said about how the nature of a person doesn't change, but they can learn to react differently to situations, which I actually see him doing. And it's something he was very upfront with me about in the beginning. He told me openly that he used to have a problem, but I didn't realize until later that this may be the reason he is actually divorced.....well I think it's the straw that broke the camels back.

We talk about trust a lot, and I told him I trust him as much as I can, but I don't fully trust him. I want to but I just can't.

I will try to take your advice though, and instead of letting the suspiciousness consume me, I will just enjoy until there is actually a problem. Instead of creating one.

It think what happens is people do change, but the people they have hurt lose respect for them. So, it looks to them, like you have not changed. There are those who believe that you cannot earn respect, without change. That being said, I believe that "Peter should not pay for Paul". Whatever demons your dealing with are yours, not his. He should not pay for your trust issues.

[Edited 9/26/10 6:18am]

wildgoldenhoney said:

I believe that people can change.

But they need to honestly see themselves how they are, recognize their problem, and have a desire to change.

Even then, it might still be a struggle since they've lived a certain way for so many years, it's not easy.

Nope I'm still a pretentious prick

no they wont once a whore always one once a lair always once once a theft they come back lurking the devil is workin so hard 2 claim so many souls and they fall prey 2 these traps so eaily cuz me myself i keep telling myself no more redmeat honey i gotten addicted 2 eating ribs now u tell me whats going on

TotalANXiousNESS said:

paintedlady said:

Why do you feel suspicious towards him? Is it because of your past? Or does it have to do his history?

In your situation, I would focus on why YOU have the thought process that you do.

Remember, the "nature" of a person does NOT change. A person's personality will stay the same. But reaction to a situation can change with added knowledge.

For instance,

a batterer can stop hitting, but this doesn't mean that he/she will end abusive behavior. The abuse can change from violent hitting and verbal abuse to emotional manipulation. The ending result will be the same for the victim of the batterer will suffer from self esteem issues and live in fear.

It will take councel (knowledge) to change the thought pattern of the abuser to make real change happen, so the abuser behaves and reacts in healthier ways to any situation.

So, remember there are always two sides to any story, especially a story that ends in divorce. So its up to you to read between the lines and pick up on cues and clues to what is not told to you in order to recieve a better understanding of the situation (story). Unless to have access to the other 1/2 of the story.

But it seems like you already put so much trust in the new person in your life, he is now in a important role. Its best to move forward from this point and focus on what will make the situation better.

It is better to change yourself than to try to change someone else. You can't change people, just yourself. Respect him, since you chose him and enjoy the ride.

I guess the reason I'm suspicious would be because of my past. And because at times he seems to good to be true, so I think Okay, what is REALLY going on here.....The thing I'm worried about him doing is something that wouldn't of bothered me at all in my past relationships....for whatever reason....that is what I can't figure out.

I like what you said about how the nature of a person doesn't change, but they can learn to react differently to situations, which I actually see him doing. And it's something he was very upfront with me about in the beginning. He told me openly that he used to have a problem, but I didn't realize until later that this may be the reason he is actually divorced.....well I think it's the straw that broke the camels back.

We talk about trust a lot, and I told him I trust him as much as I can, but I don't fully trust him. I want to but I just can't.

I will try to take your advice though, and instead of letting the suspiciousness consume me, I will just enjoy until there is actually a problem. Instead of creating one.

Right!

Being suspicious just takes too much energy. You have been hurt in the past, so try to live in the present. You may feel like this because you are in a vulnerable position.

Just change yourself, little by little... try not to let your mind wander into negativity.

Your suspicions may be more about your self confidence in yourself. A wounded heart trusts less, so do things that heal you. You have love, so don't worry about what MAY happen and focus on what IS happening.

Stop worrying!

This is why getting to know people is a process, not an instant thing.

Another reason why getting committed and knocked up so you're tied to the person forever isn't a great idea until you've had a couple of years to show each other who you really are, how you react to situations and deal with life.

Complaining about it after the fact and acting all confused now makes you look like a fool. Especially after you made all these claims after your divorce about how your life was going to be all about bettering yourself and focusing on the two children you already have.

And yes, people change all the time. I'm in my 30s, and because of the conscious work I've done I think I'm very different in a lot of ways from when I was in my 20s. I hope I continue changing for the better until I die.

PunkMistress said:

And yes, people change all the time. I'm in my 30s, and because of the conscious work I've done I think I'm very different in a lot of ways from when I was in my 20s. I hope I continue changing for the better until I die.

This is what I was going to say. I definitely look at things differently than I used to. I know I have changed for the better over the last 10 years. And I hope I continue to learn and grow.

However, some of the bad habits can creep back in from time to time. It's a constant process. Sometimes it's easier, sometimes it's more difficult. I like what someone said above about behaving differently in different circumstances. I am still the same person I always was, I just choose better ways of dealing with things, different ways to handle things. Most of the time.

As for the situation at hand, I think you have to sort through and figure out what stuff is your stuff and what stuff is his. And then have an honest conversation about your expectations in a relationship and of your partner.

PunkMistress said:

This is why getting to know people is a process, not an instant thing.

Another reason why getting committed and knocked up so you're tied to the person forever isn't a great idea until you've had a couple of years to show each other who you really are, how you react to situations and deal with life.

Complaining about it after the fact and acting all confused now makes you look like a fool. Especially after you made all these claims after your divorce about how your life was going to be all about bettering yourself and focusing on the two children you already have.

And yes, people change all the time. I'm in my 30s, and because of the conscious work I've done I think I'm very different in a lot of ways from when I was in my 20s. I hope I continue changing for the better until I die.

Well, yeah, I know it wsn't a great idea, but whats done is done. I'm trying to make the best of the situation. I'm not calling the baby a situation, but the being committed part. Ofcourse I look like a fool, getting knocked up 2 seconds after a divorce and then worrying about it. I realize that. But I still like to and need to talk thru and work thru these feelings. Because I want to understand them, and work through them. I don't wanna stuff it all down and end up in the same boat with Todd as I was with Jeremy.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

PunkMistress said:

This is why getting to know people is a process, not an instant thing.

Another reason why getting committed and knocked up so you're tied to the person forever isn't a great idea until you've had a couple of years to show each other who you really are, how you react to situations and deal with life.

Complaining about it after the fact and acting all confused now makes you look like a fool. Especially after you made all these claims after your divorce about how your life was going to be all about bettering yourself and focusing on the two children you already have.

And yes, people change all the time. I'm in my 30s, and because of the conscious work I've done I think I'm very different in a lot of ways from when I was in my 20s. I hope I continue changing for the better until I die.

Well, yeah, I know it wsn't a great idea, but whats done is done. I'm trying to make the best of the situation. I'm not calling the baby a situation, but the being committed part. Ofcourse I look like a fool, getting knocked up 2 seconds after a divorce and then worrying about it. I realize that. But I still like to and need to talk thru and work thru these feelings. Because I want to understand them, and work through them. I don't wanna stuff it all down and end up in the same boat with Todd as I was with Jeremy.

That's a good point. I applaud you for that.

Its either A, youre a sneaky cheater or do some stuff like that, and youre paranoid about him being the same. Happens all the time.

Or B, he is a cheater, and you have yet to put your finger on it or piece it all together.

Either way, not healthy baby.

^

On Infidelity:

From the male perspective, I am friends with a guy who was seeing someone new and he absolutely fell in love with her, took on the parenting role, everything.

His fiance must have heard something about his past that she didn't like, but I think it was mostly what she "learned" from her own past relationships.. and she brought the distrust along and put it on him.

My friend always told me "I've given her no reason for her to worry" and it was very difficult on him. What NONSENSE to be defending himself over something he did not do to her! (To her. Fact.)

It also really makes no sense if you are pre-emptively breaking it off because of his past. There are other reasons those past relationships did not last. I don't even know if I am reading your post right but cheating is usually the result of something not working in the relationship the person is in.

Is your relationship working? Then don't fuss over this. It will stop working as soon as you suggest you do not trust your partner. Distrust really fucks over a man's confidence in a relationship.

What I meant is, ahem people can change, especially when the circumstances of a relationship are different.

you're not giving us enough information to answer.

is it an addiction?

is it a propencity to lie?

for the most part, leopards can't change their spots, and neither can people.

Cinnie said:

What I meant is, ahem people can change, especially when the circumstances of a relationship are different.

Thats basically what I was wondering. Our relationship is totally different than the one with the wife. So I was I guess asking if circumstances play a role.

Also I totally get what your saying about your friend and I don't wanna ruin things.

People can change only if they have the desire to change. You can love, encourage, and support them all you can...but it won't amount to a hill of beans unless they can/want to help themselves.

Simply put...take a look at yourself...then make a change

PunkMistress said:

This is why getting to know people is a process, not an instant thing.

Another reason why getting committed and knocked up so you're tied to the person forever isn't a great idea until you've had a couple of years to show each other who you really are, how you react to situations and deal with life.

Complaining about it after the fact and acting all confused now makes you look like a fool. Especially after you made all these claims after your divorce about how your life was going to be all about bettering yourself and focusing on the two children you already have.

And yes, people change all the time. I'm in my 30s, and because of the conscious work I've done I think I'm very different in a lot of ways from when I was in my 20s. I hope I continue changing for the better until I die.

Sorry, but what Punk has written above reflects true wisdom and discernment. Listen up, because sis is pretty dead on right here.... she's speaking the truth.

Behavior can change. Human nature does not.

Genesia said:

Behavior can change. Human nature does not.

paintedlady said:

Genesia said:

Behavior can change. Human nature does not.

One of the most important lessons my dad ever taught me. It's the main reason why, when it's over, it's over.