So I have a friend...I would consider him a "good" friend, not my "best" friend or even an "Excellent: friend, but I think we're good friends. He's married, and a new dad.

Anyway, there's this really hot babe that we work with. Totally out of my league (I'm a married spud...I'm a married spud...) but apparently not HIS. Besides the usual man-talk about her hotness, for a few months now he's been telling me how "one day" he was going to give in to the temptation. I laughed it off, never thinking that he'd be capable of cheating or that SHE would be that crass. But then they started going to lunch together. Alot.

Then a rumor got to me that they'd done it. I take office rumors for what they are...RUMORS. But NOW, I've been told that they were seen in public making out.

I am at a loss of what to do.

As a good friend, am I supposed to try to stop him from ruining his life? Do I shut my mouth and wait for him to say something before I offer my opinion & advice? Is it even any of my business?

I don't know. I once went with a married friend to a themed short-stay hotel and paid for him to sleep with a prostitute on his birthday a few months after his son was born, just to shut him up. Probably not the best to give advice.

It's none of your business. (Sounds like a work friend)

I'd just like to add that I'm somewhat of a prude when it comes to stuff like this.

A big part of me says; "none of your damn business".

The other part of me wants to tell him to back off because it's only a matter of time before the whole office knows and he loses his job (complicated office politics at play).

PurpleJedi said:

I'd just like to add that I'm somewhat of a prude when it comes to stuff like this.

A big part of me says; "none of your damn business".

The other part of me wants to tell him to back off because it's only a matter of time before the whole office knows and he loses his job (complicated office politics at play).

It's definitely tricky. I mean, I would say have a word with him, not in an overly judgmental or forceful way, but just to remind him what might be at stake, but he's a grown adult and you wouldn't be telling him anything he doesn't already know and any way you approach talking to him it's going to be awkward and difficult for your friendship. He could definitely take umbrage. And you'll have affected no change in what he does whatsoever, since he'll obviously have already weighed up the risk/reward if he is indeed cheating.

Fauxie said:

I don't know. I once went with a married friend to a themed short-stay hotel and paid for him to sleep with a prostitute on his birthday a few months after his son was born, just to shut him up. Probably not the best to give advice.

If he'd picked up some random woman in a bar then I probably wouldn't feel so "bad". But if my fears are true, he could wind up with a boiled rabbit on his stove.

If you have an active role in his life outside of work with his family-then you could bring the topic up-Via this rumor is going around (and don't tell him where you heard it)-By bringing that rumor up, you have opened the door for him to talk about it he wants. If he talks about it then you can guide him back to or away from his marriage which ever is appropriate.

This can only be done if you participate in his family life outside of work, if you do not, it will be seen as intrusive and will back fire. Causing odd and perhaps cross feelings between the two of you at work. Making work life difficult.

If this friend is a superior-you may not address the issue at all.

Although, the path of least destruction to your career path is to stay clear and remind yourself that it is none of your business.

PurpleJedi said:

Fauxie said:

I don't know. I once went with a married friend to a themed short-stay hotel and paid for him to sleep with a prostitute on his birthday a few months after his son was born, just to shut him up. Probably not the best to give advice.

If he'd picked up some random woman in a bar then I probably wouldn't feel so "bad". But if my fears are true, he could wind up with a boiled rabbit on his stove.

I think kewlschool's advice is good, if you see him outside of work. If he's not that close a friend if it were me in your shoes I would leave it well alone.

Fauxie said:

PurpleJedi said:

If he'd picked up some random woman in a bar then I probably wouldn't feel so "bad". But if my fears are true, he could wind up with a boiled rabbit on his stove.

I think kewlschool's advice is good, if you see him outside of work. If he's not that close a friend if it were me in your shoes I would leave it well alone.

We occassionally hang out...in fact we're supposed to go see the re-release of Avatar next week.

I'm dreading him opening up and telling me what I think I already know. Instead of asking him what I really want to know (did I already mention she is HOT?), my inner Catholic-Nerd-Goodie2shoes will probably come out, and probably piss him off.

Fauxie said:

I don't know. I once went with a married friend to a themed short-stay hotel and paid for him to sleep with a prostitute on his birthday a few months after his son was born, just to shut him up. Probably not the best to give advice.

you 'sposed to be dead son!!

and yeah your advice blows...

Mind ya bizness.....don't get involved....

something similar is happening where I work, I haven't said a word and probably won't

SHOCKADELICA1 said:

Mind ya bizness.....don't get involved....

Word. He's not even your best friend. Let the best friend tackle this load.

PurpleJedi said:

Fauxie said:

I think kewlschool's advice is good, if you see him outside of work. If he's not that close a friend if it were me in your shoes I would leave it well alone.

We occassionally hang out...in fact we're supposed to go see the re-release of Avatar next week.

I'm dreading him opening up and telling me what I think I already know. Instead of asking him what I really want to know (did I already mention she is HOT?), my inner Catholic-Nerd-Goodie2shoes will probably come out, and probably piss him off.

If he does, keep your commentary to five words, "Don't shit where you eat."

The guy has a wife and a baby, we're in a down economy, and he's risking his job. He's a moron.

RenHoek said:

Fauxie said:

I don't know. I once went with a married friend to a themed short-stay hotel and paid for him to sleep with a prostitute on his birthday a few months after his son was born, just to shut him up. Probably not the best to give advice.

you 'sposed to be dead son!!

and yeah your advice blows...

I came for a quick chat, but couldn't resist peeking in GD.

My friend was an ass and his marriage was a loveless mess, so I didn't feel too guilty. He wouldn't shut up about it, making me feel bad, so I just did it to shut him up, curry favour and humour him, and wait for a good opportunity to stop being friends.

If this dude's life does not affect yours in some sort of close way and he has not volunteered any info or asked for your opinion I would say it's not your business.

[Edited 8/28/10 21:29pm]

Fauxie said:

RenHoek said:

you 'sposed to be dead son!!

and yeah your advice blows...

I came for a quick chat, but couldn't resist peeking in GD.

My friend was an ass and his marriage was a loveless mess, so I didn't feel too guilty. He wouldn't shut up about it, making me feel bad, so I just did it to shut him up, curry favour and humour him, and wait for a good opportunity to stop being friends.

hope you'll pop in more often than not...

Alright...thank you everyone.

Deep inside I guess I knew that I need to mind my own business, but I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.

So I won't bring it up.

But I have to be honest. To me, it's like watching an old lady meander onto a busy intersection and just sitting back to wait for the semi to come along and run her over. I'm sick over it.

Not much of a "dude", am I?

PurpleJedi said:

was he married to co-worker maybe???

RenHoek said:

Fauxie said:

I came for a quick chat, but couldn't resist peeking in GD.

My friend was an ass and his marriage was a loveless mess, so I didn't feel too guilty. He wouldn't shut up about it, making me feel bad, so I just did it to shut him up, curry favour and humour him, and wait for a good opportunity to stop being friends.

hope you'll pop in more often than not...

There are a couple of ppl I need to come check on so I'll be around sometimes.

This may be a personal flaw, but my investment in the life of a "'good' friend" doesn't just start/stop where his/her professional life or some personal, immediate effect on my own life are concerned. I'd be troubled about the possible implications of this in the office for him, but I'd also be troubled about the possible implications of this where his own broader well being is concerned -- and that, to me, entails ethical questions he may be ignoring, his longterm sense of integrity and self worth, longterm effects on his relationship with his wife and kid, etc. Yeah, this is sticky territory, and, yeah, you may piss him off... but if a "good friend" isn't worth that discomfort, who would be?

That said, I'd recommend you raise the issue only once... and let him know you will raise it only once, having decidedly nothing to do with it beyond that. But let him know that while you're not trying to play his dad, you've had some concern -- as a friend -- and simply wanted to put the issue on the table. I've found no harm, no foul in this approach.

[Edited 8/28/10 23:01pm]

PurpleJedi said:

Alright...thank you everyone.

Deep inside I guess I knew that I need to mind my own business, but I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.

So I won't bring it up.

But I have to be honest. To me, it's like watching an old lady meander onto a busy intersection and just sitting back to wait for the semi to come along and run her over. I'm sick over it.

Not much of a "dude", am I?

I had the same situation with a friend at work. I had heard the rumors, mostly from people who brought it up because they thought I knew more details and hoped I would dish...I didn't.

Anyhoo, my pal eventually brought it up and I told 'em it wasn't worth it. They didn't listen, drama ensued and the marriage ended.

I have a couple of rules about these situations. One, I don't butt in unless asked. Two, I will only tell a grown person once. I always start my reply with "since you asked" and I keep it short and to the point so they don't feel I'm preaching at them.

Lammastide said:

This may be a personal flaw, but my investment in the life of a "'good' friend" doesn't just start/stop where his/her professional life or some personal, immediate effect on my own life are concerned. I'd be troubled about the possible implications of this in the office for him, but I'd also be troubled about the possible implications of this where his own broader well being is concerned -- and that, to me, entails ethical questions he may be ignoring, his longterm sense of integrity and self worth, longterm effects on his relationship with his wife and kid, etc. Yeah, this is sticky territory, and, yeah, you may piss him off... but if a "good friend" isn't worth that discomfort, who would be?

That said, I'd recommend you raise the issue only once... and let him know you will raise it only once, having decidedly nothing to do with it beyond that. But let him know that while you're not trying to play his dad, you've had some concern -- as a friend -- and simply wanted to put the issue on the table. I've found no harm, no foul in this approach.

[Edited 8/28/10 23:01pm]

good advice.

Obviously there are problems in his marriage you are unaware of. Keep your nose out of it.

If it was a good friend I would tell them that he's risking a lot and leave it at that, if it was just a co-worker, I would say nothing.

luv4u said:

Obviously there are problems in his marriage you are unaware of. Keep your nose out of it.

I'd say... someone is probably missing the whole story, and shouldn't cast judgements on someone else's needs.

Ignore it. Utterly and completely. In fact, if it's something you're uncomfortable about ("prudish"), the next time the guy brings it up I'd ask him to never do so again. Even if it was your best friend in the entire world, what could you do? Getting involved in these messes can only lead to drama and disappointment.

Cerebus said:

Ignore it. Utterly and completely. In fact, if it's something you're uncomfortable about ("prudish"), the next time the guy brings it up I'd ask him to never do so again. Even if it was your best friend in the entire world, what could you do? Getting involved in these messes can only lead to drama and disappointment.

If it was his best friend, he would probably understand WHY his friend was cheating to a degree, or at least start LISTENING with some empathy.