JustErin said:

Hold on a sec, she didn't befriend him to get him to be her bf. She is not being dishonest with him. She said that they were friends and her feelings developed over time. This shit happens all the time and I don't think that it's reason to end a friendship.

I think he can still be a real friend, it is possible to move on from feelings like this.

She just needs to figure out if it's possible for her to move on from her feelings.

Your right... I stand corrected on why she became friends... that was not my intent to come off that way.

Let me explain... if she devoloped feelings and he did not then feelings are not mutual, right? So now she's stuck, feeling for a guy that does not feel the same for her?

Well, during the course of a relationship (any) there's body language, gestures and small things that lead us to know if someone likes us. He must of felt that from her and let her know, right? This is why he told her, that he is NOT attracted to her.

FROM THAT POINT ON... she should have pulled away. She did not, and if she is friends with him today knowing all this, then she can not accuse him of being shallow.

She is only hurting herself by listening to people who tells her only what she wants to hear.

She deserves more. She doesn't need to hang on being friends with a guy she can no longer be friends with since her feelings became involved. The rules have changed now, and what I said applies NOW.

We are not talking about how they got together... but why they STAY together.

Can she really be a friend, or will this relationship be toxic to her? I think the latter.

JustErin said:

Hold on a sec, she didn't befriend him to get him to be her bf. She is not being dishonest with him. She said that they were friends and her feelings developed over time. This shit happens all the time and I don't think that it's reason to end a friendship.

I think he can still be a real friend, it is possible to move on from feelings like this.

She just needs to figure out if it's possible for her to move on from her feelings.

I wholeheartedly agree.

starfish100 said:

JustErin said:

Hold on a sec, she didn't befriend him to get him to be her bf. She is not being dishonest with him. She said that they were friends and her feelings developed over time. This shit happens all the time and I don't think that it's reason to end a friendship.

I think he can still be a real friend, it is possible to move on from feelings like this.

She just needs to figure out if it's possible for her to move on from her feelings.

You talk a lot of sense.

You've made me realise I can't be angry with him for the way he feels, I can be frustrated but I can't be angry. Thank you.

We have theatre tickets for Saturday, we're still going and I'll have to decide from there if I can continue to be his friend. I truely hope I can.

I commend you Starfish, you are stronger than me. If I had feelings for a man, I could not stay a friend and hang out with him knowing that I want more.

starfish100 said:

JustErin said:

Hold on a sec, she didn't befriend him to get him to be her bf. She is not being dishonest with him. She said that they were friends and her feelings developed over time. This shit happens all the time and I don't think that it's reason to end a friendship.

I think he can still be a real friend, it is possible to move on from feelings like this.

She just needs to figure out if it's possible for her to move on from her feelings.

You talk a lot of sense.

You've made me realise I can't be angry with him for the way he feels, I can be frustrated but I can't be angry. Thank you.

We have theatre tickets for Saturday, we're still going and I'll have to decide from there if I can continue to be his friend. I truely hope I can.

I hope you can too. Great friendships are hard to find.

paintedlady said:

starfish100 said:

You talk a lot of sense.

You've made me realise I can't be angry with him for the way he feels, I can be frustrated but I can't be angry. Thank you.

We have theatre tickets for Saturday, we're still going and I'll have to decide from there if I can continue to be his friend. I truely hope I can.

I commend you Starfish, you are stronger than me. If I had feelings for a man, I could not stay a friend and hang out with him knowing that I want more.

Your posts were harsh but I think you meant well...for the record HIS body language and gestures led me to believe he wanted more, I was worried I was misleading him to begin with.

Anyway, we have far too much in common and have too good a time together not to at least to try to be friends. It may not work, but it's a worth a try.

starfish100 said:

paintedlady said:

I commend you Starfish, you are stronger than me. If I had feelings for a man, I could not stay a friend and hang out with him knowing that I want more.

Your posts were harsh but I think you meant well...for the record HIS body language and gestures led me to believe he wanted more, I was worried I was misleading him to begin with.

Anyway, we have far too much in common and have too good a time together not to at least to try to be friends. It may not work, but it's a worth a try.

Now this makes things more clear to me. I know I came off bitchy, but I really don't want you to get hurt if you witness him finding love with someone else.

If you can stay his friend and still find love with someone else then this would be ideal IMO. Time to get your flirt on with other guys, have fun.

Thanks for the understanding.

JustErin said:

Not having someone find you attractive doesn't mean they are shallow.

If it's not there, it's not there. You can't be upset at him for that.

you would hope that there is more to life than 'hot' or 'not hot'.

Expectations will getcha every time.

whistle said:

JustErin said:

Not having someone find you attractive doesn't mean they are shallow.

If it's not there, it's not there. You can't be upset at him for that.

you would hope that there is more to life than 'hot' or 'not hot'.

You mean more to life than looks? Of course there is.

There must be, I mean...I see lots of not-hots in relationships all the time.

starfish100 said:

So I have this friend.... we're good mates, have loads in common, spend lot of time at work emailing and phoning, we text eachother outside of work, we both flirt (a lot), basically we get on really, really well. We often get asked if there's something going on because of the way we are together.

Now the problem, I've completely fallen for him but he doesn't feel the same. Says he loves spending time with me but doesn't find me attractive. I'm really struggling with this. I'm attracted to him - the whole person - not the way he looks but he just can't understand that, seems that looks are the most important thing to him, how f-ing shallow! He even texts me to say he misses me FFS but still says he doesn't want anything else!

Just needed to get that rant out of my system

You can try to remain "just friends" with him while moving on...and I'm not saying it's not possible but it will be hard because you've developed feelings for him. I think you should be friends with him from a distance or place some hardcore distance between you and him for a couple of months to get your romantic feelings for him out of your system. Also, the flirting has to stop. There's no way you can be friends with him if keeps up the flirting and other things. I can't fault him for being honest with you but I do fault him for keeping up with the flirting and such KNOWING how you feel about him and that he doesn't feel the same. Anywho, I think you'll be fine. Just set some boundaries for your friendship with him and you should be fine. Good Luck.

You cannot tell me that anyone, ANYONE - no matter now old, female or male, would be able to "fall" for somebody without finding them physically attractive. It's absolutely normal and doesn't suggest that they're shallow at all.

Imagine if all of us based our feelings solely on our opposite's character... - crabs would be spreading all over the world in a nano-second!!

Hey, at least she's not also sleeping with him. That makes the "just friends, and never going anywhere serious" thing 1000000000000x harder.

If it's always been platonic, I think there is a good chance for them to remain good friends.

I'm friends with plenty of

ugly people

I blame their genetics

not my inability to find them

attractive

orger said:

I'm friends with plenty of

ugly people

I blame their genetics

not my inability to find them

attractive

Prince, is that you?

Dave1992 said:

orger said:

I'm friends with plenty of

ugly people

I blame their genetics

not my inability to find them

attractive

Prince, is that you?

I think its Illustrator

paintedlady said:

Dave1992 said:

Prince, is that you?

I think its Illustrator

not hardly

he certainly had a way with words

Illustrator that is, not Prince

orger said:

paintedlady said:

I think its Illustrator

not hardly

he certainly had a way with words

Illustrator that is, not Prince

*theory shot to hell* [img:$uid]http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/gataloca_bucket/suicideuf2.gif[/img:$uid]

I still love your posts!

starfish100 said:

JustErin said:

I know it's upsetting, I know exactly what it's like to feel that way.

It is very upsetting. At work he rings me before 8.30 every day, he buys me cakes as a treat, we go to gigs etc together, he comes over for dinner, he texts me when he's out with his mates to ask how I'm doing (I do struggle with that, especially saying he's missing me), I could go on and on.

It's hard to come to terms with that all that wasn't leading someone.

well, that all sounds totally unfair then if he knows how YOU feel

ZombieKitten said:

starfish100 said:

It is very upsetting. At work he rings me before 8.30 every day, he buys me cakes as a treat, we go to gigs etc together, he comes over for dinner, he texts me when he's out with his mates to ask how I'm doing (I do struggle with that, especially saying he's missing me), I could go on and on.

It's hard to come to terms with that all that wasn't leading someone.

well, that all sounds totally unfair then if he knows how YOU feel

Exactly. Reading those comments (I didn't read each one before I gave my response), it sounds as if he either really does like her (I always have felt that actions outweigh talk) and isn't mature enough to handle the situation by telling her how he really feels or he's playing a game with her feelings. He's confusing her...I've been there before. If she pulls away from him, and stop giving him attention and receiving his attention, I bet he'll eventually fess up to his true feelings for her.

orger said:

I'm friends with plenty of

ugly people

I blame their genetics

not my inability to find them

attractive

well, we're friends.

JustErin said:

orger said:

I'm friends with plenty of

ugly people

I blame their genetics

not my inability to find them

attractive

well, we're friends.

I blame your hair

missfee said:

ZombieKitten said:

well, that all sounds totally unfair then if he knows how YOU feel

Exactly. Reading those comments (I didn't read each one before I gave my response), it sounds as if he either really does like her (I always have felt that actions outweigh talk) and isn't mature enough to handle the situation by telling her how he really feels or he's playing a game with her feelings. He's confusing her...I've been there before. If she pulls away from him, and stop giving him attention and receiving his attention, I bet he'll eventually fess up to his true feelings for her.

This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. Dreaming up reasons why he's saying he's not into her. This is the dangerous kind of thinking that so many women fall prey to.

If he says he's not interested, he's not interested. It's really that simple.

orger said:

JustErin said:

well, we're friends.

I blame your hair

missfee said:

ZombieKitten said:

well, that all sounds totally unfair then if he knows how YOU feel

Exactly. Reading those comments (I didn't read each one before I gave my response), it sounds as if he either really does like her (I always have felt that actions outweigh talk) and isn't mature enough to handle the situation by telling her how he really feels or he's playing a game with her feelings. He's confusing her...I've been there before. If she pulls away from him, and stop giving him attention and receiving his attention, I bet he'll eventually fess up to his true feelings for her.

I think even though he means what he says about not being attracted, he still likes the attention, it's an ego stroke.

However, that list of things he does when taken out of context like that, also seems like an attempt to justify things.

I had a friend who used to say to me, "if he doesn't LIKE like me, why does he: " and then reel off all the things he does, to justify to herself that he must love her deep down underneath even though he was fucking a whole bunch of other girls.

ZombieKitten said:

missfee said:

Exactly. Reading those comments (I didn't read each one before I gave my response), it sounds as if he either really does like her (I always have felt that actions outweigh talk) and isn't mature enough to handle the situation by telling her how he really feels or he's playing a game with her feelings. He's confusing her...I've been there before. If she pulls away from him, and stop giving him attention and receiving his attention, I bet he'll eventually fess up to his true feelings for her.

I think even though he means what he says about not being attracted, he still likes the attention, it's an ego stroke.

However, that list of things he does when taken out of context like that, also seems like an attempt to justify things.

I had a friend who used to say to me, "if he doesn't LIKE like me, why does he: " and then reel off all the things he does, to justify to herself that he must love her deep down underneath even though he was fucking a whole bunch of other girls.

Why do so many women get men caring for someone and men loving someone all mixed up. You can care deeply for someone of the opposite sex and not want to be with them romantically.

He obviously cares a lot for her, but that shouldn't be mixed up with loving her in a romantic way.

JustErin said:

ZombieKitten said:

I think even though he means what he says about not being attracted, he still likes the attention, it's an ego stroke.

However, that list of things he does when taken out of context like that, also seems like an attempt to justify things.

I had a friend who used to say to me, "if he doesn't LIKE like me, why does he: " and then reel off all the things he does, to justify to herself that he must love her deep down underneath even though he was fucking a whole bunch of other girls.

Why do so many women get men caring for someone and men loving someone all mixed up. You can care deeply for someone of the opposite sex and not want to be with them romantically.

He obviously cares a lot for her, but that shouldn't be mixed up with loving her in a romantic way.

guys usually only have female friends that they are attracted to, I've heard guys say this again and again. They would usually sleep with their female friends if the opportunity arose.

I hope YOU are right though, it would give me more faith in men as a species

ZombieKitten said:

JustErin said:

Why do so many women get men caring for someone and men loving someone all mixed up. You can care deeply for someone of the opposite sex and not want to be with them romantically.

He obviously cares a lot for her, but that shouldn't be mixed up with loving her in a romantic way.

guys usually only have female friends that they are attracted to, I've heard guys say this again and again. They would usually sleep with their female friends if the opportunity arose.

I hope YOU are right though, it would give me more faith in men as a species

That may be why guys become friends with some chicks, but when two people get to know each other and get close over time, I don't think that's the case at all.

JustErin said:

missfee said:

Exactly. Reading those comments (I didn't read each one before I gave my response), it sounds as if he either really does like her (I always have felt that actions outweigh talk) and isn't mature enough to handle the situation by telling her how he really feels or he's playing a game with her feelings. He's confusing her...I've been there before. If she pulls away from him, and stop giving him attention and receiving his attention, I bet he'll eventually fess up to his true feelings for her.

This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. Dreaming up reasons why he's saying he's not into her. This is the dangerous kind of thinking that so many women fall prey to.

If he says he's not interested, he's not interested. It's really that simple.

I get what you are saying, but in my experiences, it's been proven to me time and time again that actions speak louder than words. I've had guys to tell me that I was cool but that they wasn't interested in me romantically, however, after this was determined, the flirting behavior stopped but the friendship aspect continued, however, in the cases that the men who I was friends with that showed the flirtatious nature, etc. and said that they didn't feel the same...eventuallly came around to admitting the opposite and didn't fess up at an earlier time for some other reason. I'm just speaking from my experience.

JustErin said:

ZombieKitten said:

guys usually only have female friends that they are attracted to, I've heard guys say this again and again. They would usually sleep with their female friends if the opportunity arose.

I hope YOU are right though, it would give me more faith in men as a species

That may be why guys become friends with some chicks, but when two people get to know each other and get close over time, I don't think that's the case at all.

If I think about my male good friends I don't think I have any that I wouldn't give one to

ZombieKitten said:

JustErin said:

Why do so many women get men caring for someone and men loving someone all mixed up. You can care deeply for someone of the opposite sex and not want to be with them romantically.

He obviously cares a lot for her, but that shouldn't be mixed up with loving her in a romantic way.

guys usually only have female friends that they are attracted to, I've heard guys say this again and again. They would usually sleep with their female friends if the opportunity arose.

I hope YOU are right though, it would give me more faith in men as a species

My guys friends have said the same as well.