Cinnie said:

PurpleJedi said:

OMG - I don't think that I full explained myself then.

I've known him for about 7 years, and they've been together for as much, I was invited to their wedding & all. She's a very, very nice person.

He & I have a bit more than just a co-worker friendship since we go out to lunch all the time (well, before he started doing lunch with the vixen instead) and do occassionally "hang" outside of work, but I'm not within his "inner circle" of best buds. Therein lies the problem.

How many people were at their wedding. Were you the best man or a groomsman? Or were those the "inner circle"?

Does anyone of the "inner circle" work at the same place now?

I still have a feeling you're not close enough to even approach the topic without being cast off into the fringe even further than you are now. It's very telling that you heard the office gossip first.

That's why I am posting my dilema.

PurpleJedi said:

That's why I am posting my dilema.

Do you think anyone from his inner circle would know about the office gossip? It is potentially damaging even if it is false.

Cinnie said:

PurpleJedi said:

That's why I am posting my dilema.

Do you think anyone from his inner circle would know about the office gossip? It is potentially damaging even if it is false.

his inner circle have no connections to the office.

PurpleJedi said:

Cinnie said:

Do you think anyone from his inner circle would know about the office gossip? It is potentially damaging even if it is false.

his inner circle have no connections to the office.

Hm. So they likely can't warn him, as he is likely hiding it from them all too.

Lastly, is this friend above or below you on the org chart? This could mean your ass in the sling too if you get tangled up in it.

There are two sides to every story....

Husband- she doesn't give me enough sex

Wife- he belittles me about the state of my body and I don't want him to touch me because I am hurt

this is what is at the heart of NOT getting involved.

I would not say anything to him unless he came to me, then I would tell him to tell his wife or seek professional counsiling WITH her.... simply because you DO NOT know the other half to the story. So you can not councel him effectively even if you wanted to.

Yes, he's cheating because wifey isn't giving up the coochie... but WHY isn't she giving up the coochie really? A new baby is a very hard adjustment and any selfish behavior only worsens things.

Don't get involved, because if you do... he would only seek any advice to justify his actions for cheating. That's what cheaters do.

can't spell coochie edit.

[Edited 8/29/10 13:28pm]

Cinnie said:

Mach said:

Yeah okay ~

same answer

He's married cheating fuckers should be put on the spot

It's really hard to teach someone who would cheat why it isn't right or can cause problems without sounding like a meddler. I understand the feeling of being sick over it, honestly, because you know you will be there when your friend is hurting later.

it's not your/my job to teach them ~ that's not what i meant ~ I mean remind them that they COULD loose their job and marriage ~ simple as stating facts ~ "meddling" ...they put this shit out for the public to see ~ I'm not saying get overly/deeply involved ~ I'm talking a 2 minute convo about "dud ~ WTF ? ya cheatin ? looks like it ~ office rumor soulds like it ~ you wife know ? ..ya know you could loose your job andmarriage over this right ? " - Cheater says ... man you're not gonna tell my wiofe are you ~ answer : yeah, if she asks me directly I aint lying for you dude !

end

or at this point ~ just SHOW him this thread

Well stated, paintedlady. They'll be looking for your sympathy and support, even if you don't agree. So you likely won't get to just drop a one-liner like Genesia suggested, and think your work as a good friend is finished.

Cinnie said:

retina said:

So what? I would feel like an accomplice if a good friend was cheating and I just let it happen without even bringing it up for discussion with him. But if your conscience allows you to keep quiet, fine. I guess we would just feel and act differently in this case.

It actually bothers me a lot which is why I don't cheat, but I know how to keep my friends, thanks.

all the firends I have had to have this chat with ~ still are friends and we have a better respect for each other ... I keep my friends with honesty and not have to carry round their deceit ...

I WOULD be pissed and wonder about a friend that didn't respect the relationship enought TO be honest with me and if they are miffed at my honesty then that's on them and if they fade away so be it

different floats for different boats I suppose

JustErin said:

I can understand saying something to your friend, what I don't get is going to the person who is being cheated on and telling them.

I also don't get people who suddenly de-friend someone just because they are having an affair.

I would not seek her/them out and tattle tale ~ BUT if they were to ask me directly ~ i'm not about to lie ~ specially about the cheating type

Mach said:

Cinnie said:

It actually bothers me a lot which is why I don't cheat, but I know how to keep my friends, thanks.

all the firends I have had to have this chat with ~ still are friends and we have a better respect for each other ... I keep my friends with honesty and not have to carry round their deceit ...

I WOULD be pissed and wonder about a friend that didn't respect the relationship enought TO be honest with me and if they are miffed at my honesty then that's on them and if they fade away so be it

different floats for different boats I suppose

It's not that I would "keep quiet", because I haven't handled it that way in the past. I waited for the topic to come up, and listened, and offered a variety of outcomes or possible perspectives. But I wouldn't put them in a hard place by blowing the whistle, or judge them either.

[Edited 8/29/10 13:49pm]

Cinnie said:

Well stated, paintedlady. They'll be looking for your sympathy and support, even if you don't agree. So you likely won't get to just drop a one-liner like Genesia suggested, and think your work as a good friend is finished.

Right. If this person is a good friend, then tell that good friend WHY you will not sit there and listen to him play a violin in your ear.

Tell that mofo... "Really? What does your wife think about you coming to me about yall's bedroom biz? She'll be pissed? Don't tell her? Ok... then you need to talk to her about that one... that's the only way you two can come to some resolution on the matter of your heavy nut sack."

Expect at least four sentences on your part.

Mach said:

Cinnie said:

It actually bothers me a lot which is why I don't cheat, but I know how to keep my friends, thanks.

all the firends I have had to have this chat with ~ still are friends and we have a better respect for each other ... I keep my friends with honesty and not have to carry round their deceit ...

I WOULD be pissed and wonder about a friend that didn't respect the relationship enought TO be honest with me and if they are miffed at my honesty then that's on them and if they fade away so be it

different floats for different boats I suppose

You'll be surprised at how a friend will appreciate the honesty even if it hurts their feelings at first. Mach is 100000000% right.

paintedlady said:

Cinnie said:

Well stated, paintedlady. They'll be looking for your sympathy and support, even if you don't agree. So you likely won't get to just drop a one-liner like Genesia suggested, and think your work as a good friend is finished.

Right. If this person is a good friend, then tell that good friend WHY you will not sit there and listen to him play a violin in your ear.

Tell that mofo... "Really? What does your wife think about you coming to me about yall's bedroom biz? She'll be pissed? Don't tell her? Ok... then you need to talk to her about that one... that's the only way you two can come to some resolution on the matter of your heavy nut sack."

Expect at least four sentences on your part.

Genesia's read too many of those "wacky" cliche one-liner play scripts.

I guess I don't think I need to tell my friends how to live their lives, especially when I know I wouldn't appreciate them trying to tell me how to live mine. If they asked me about it, or it came up somehow I'd be like "that's dumb". If the spouse asked me, I'd stay out of their business and tell them they need to communicate with each other, or a counselor. If they wanted some sex tips, I'd be happy to hook that up for them.

I see no point in telling grown ass people how to live their own lives.

Believe, folk that lie, steal, cheat, and act the fool really do know they are doing wrong. If they want to change they will. Just like telling people not to smoke, or not to drink. The only person right now I feel the need to school in life is my nephew and that is more than enough for me.

Genesia said:

keep your commentary to five words, "Don't shit where you eat."

http://instantrimshot.com/

BklynBabe said:

Believe, folk that lie, steal, cheat, and act the fool really do know they are doing wrong. If they want to change they will. Just like telling people not to smoke, or not to drink. The only person right now I feel the need to school in life is my nephew and that is more than enough for me.

If the situation is really that blatant, it's more like "what am I supposed to say when your wife asks me?"

That would at least get them thinking about the consequences of what they think is hidden.

Cinnie said:

BklynBabe said:

Believe, folk that lie, steal, cheat, and act the fool really do know they are doing wrong. If they want to change they will. Just like telling people not to smoke, or not to drink. The only person right now I feel the need to school in life is my nephew and that is more than enough for me.

If the situation is really that blatant, it's more like "what am I supposed to say when your wife asks me?"

That would at least get them thinking about the consequences of what they think is hidden.

what makes you think they haven't thought of the consequences?

Adultery has been around for so long that it's a commandment. So if you don't know what might happen, you are probably to stupid for me to be calling you a friend in the first place.

[Edited 8/29/10 14:26pm]

Mach said:

Cinnie said:

It actually bothers me a lot which is why I don't cheat, but I know how to keep my friends, thanks.

all the firends I have had to have this chat with ~ still are friends and we have a better respect for each other ... I keep my friends with honesty and not have to carry round their deceit ...

I WOULD be pissed and wonder about a friend that didn't respect the relationship enought TO be honest with me and if they are miffed at my honesty then that's on them and if they fade away so be it

different floats for different boats I suppose

I agree, Mach.

Whether there'd be a wall of silence in a situation like this came up among my close friends at a party once. I was the sole guy there who told them I'd sing like a friggin' bird if I knew they were cheating and one of their significant others directly asked me about it. And I told them that since they now knew upfront, to consider never triangulating me with even the accidental knowledge of that sort of bullshit. They got pissed at me... and I couldn't care less. I don't understand "friendships" built on enabling and blindness to screwed-up behavior.

What's interesting is that one of them did get caught cheating years later. Who did he come running to for advice and to talk to his wife to help save his marriage? Me. (Not that I was altogether willing to be triangulated there either. )

They may not like that it cramps their style, but in tight squeezes the forthrightness is respected.

[Edited 8/29/10 14:57pm]

BklynBabe said:

Cinnie said:

If the situation is really that blatant, it's more like "what am I supposed to say when your wife asks me?"

That would at least get them thinking about the consequences of what they think is hidden.

what makes you think they haven't thought of the consequences?

so, it's like... why bother to say anything?

Cinnie said:

BklynBabe said:

what makes you think they haven't thought of the consequences?

so, it's like... why bother to say anything?

I concur!

BklynBabe said:

Cinnie said:

so, it's like... why bother to say anything?

I concur!

I think in the thread starter's case, he wants to at least warn him of the rumors, in case they aren't true. After much consideration, I think he should do that privately.

Lammastide said:

Mach said:

all the firends I have had to have this chat with ~ still are friends and we have a better respect for each other ... I keep my friends with honesty and not have to carry round their deceit ...

I WOULD be pissed and wonder about a friend that didn't respect the relationship enought TO be honest with me and if they are miffed at my honesty then that's on them and if they fade away so be it

different floats for different boats I suppose

I agree, Mach.

Whether there'd be a wall of silence in a situation like this came up among my close friends at a party once. I was the sole guy there who told them I'd sing like a friggin' bird if I knew they were cheating and one of their significant others directly asked me about it. And I told them that since they now knew upfront, to consider never triangulating me with even the accidental knowledge of that sort of bullshit. They got pissed at me... and I couldn't care less. I don't understand "friendships" built on enabling and blindness to screwed-up behavior.

What's interesting is that one of them did get caught cheating years later. Who did he come running to for advice and to talk to his wife to help save his marriage? Me. (Not that I was altogether willing to be triangulated there either. )

They may not like that it cramps their style, but in tight squeezes the forthrightness is respected.

I don't suppose you have any skeletons in your closet.

Cinnie said:

Lammastide said:

I agree, Mach.

Whether there'd be a wall of silence in a situation like this came up among my close friends at a party once. I was the sole guy there who told them I'd sing like a friggin' bird if I knew they were cheating and one of their significant others directly asked me about it. And I told them that since they now knew upfront, to consider never triangulating me with even the accidental knowledge of that sort of bullshit. They got pissed at me... and I couldn't care less. I don't understand "friendships" built on enabling and blindness to screwed-up behavior.

What's interesting is that one of them did get caught cheating years later. Who did he come running to for advice and to talk to his wife to help save his marriage? Me. (Not that I was altogether willing to be triangulated there either. )

They may not like that it cramps their style, but in tight squeezes the forthrightness is respected.

I don't suppose you have any skeletons in your closet.

Oh, I've got entire cemeteries in my closet, Cinnie. You'll never see me pretending there, bro.

BUT... even as I occasionally do dumb stuff, I don't love my dirt. And I certainly don't love it more than what a really positive friendship can challenge me to become. I expect and invite friends to call me on my crap if/when they see me screwing up. And I try to return the favor. It does sting a bit, but I really believe it helps make us better people.

[Edited 8/29/10 17:38pm]

BklynBabe said:

I guess I don't think I need to tell my friends how to live their lives, especially when I know I wouldn't appreciate them trying to tell me how to live mine. If they asked me about it, or it came up somehow I'd be like "that's dumb". If the spouse asked me, I'd stay out of their business and tell them they need to communicate with each other, or a counselor. If they wanted some sex tips, I'd be happy to hook that up for them.

I see no point in telling grown ass people how to live their own lives.

Believe, folk that lie, steal, cheat, and act the fool really do know they are doing wrong. If they want to change they will. Just like telling people not to smoke, or not to drink. The only person right now I feel the need to school in life is my nephew and that is more than enough for me.

I don't either. I don't interfere unless asked...then I keep it short, sweet and brutally honest.

It's because the one time I did warn someone that there was talk around town, they turned around and told a family member that they suspected me of being the one who "betrayed" them. So all I got for my trouble was being falsely accused, I decided then and there to keep my involvement in other folk's drama to a minimum.

Family, on the other hand, I will boss around like a drill sergeant,

Seriously though...a person would have to be suicidal or in some other life and death situation for me to give them unsolicited advice.

babynoz said:

Seriously though...a person would have to be suicidal or in some other life and death situation for me to give them unsolicited advice.

On the other hand, I would rather give them advice that might deter them from being in a situation that leaves them devastated and possibly suicidal.

Cinnie said:

babynoz said:

Seriously though...a person would have to be suicidal or in some other life and death situation for me to give them unsolicited advice.

On the other hand, I would rather give them advice that might deter them from being in a situation that leaves them devastated and possibly suicidal.

Giving casual advice is tricky territory. You can't really gauge whether it will be received with gratitude or resentment and it's extremely difficult to save people from themselves, believe me. I've found that most folks just want a listening ear rather than advice and in those cases I usually tell them that they already know the answer and allow them to come around on their own.

People who are consistently self destructive and headed for crisis are a different story. They tend to say things that invite intervention even when they don't mean to, and you can often tell by their tone that they want and need help even if they don't admit it.

Cinnie said:

BklynBabe said:

I concur!

I think in the thread starter's case, he wants to at least warn him of the rumors, in case they aren't true. After much consideration, I think he should do that privately.

No, I would very much like to slam him up against a wall and smack some sense into him.

As for your previous response about our heirarchy. SHIT!!!! I never for ONE MINUTE considered any consequences for ME if the shit hits the fan at work! DAMN!!!! My friend & I are pretty much on the same level. Different departments. The vixen in question is connected to management. Her connection is one of my higher-ups. I really, really don't want to get in the middle of THAT triangulation. So now that I "know" something...I think that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

PurpleJedi said:

Cinnie said:

I think in the thread starter's case, he wants to at least warn him of the rumors, in case they aren't true. After much consideration, I think he should do that privately.

No, I would very much like to slam him up against a wall and smack some sense into him.

As for your previous response about our heirarchy. SHIT!!!! I never for ONE MINUTE considered any consequences for ME if the shit hits the fan at work! DAMN!!!! My friend & I are pretty much on the same level. Different departments. The vixen in question is connected to management. Her connection is one of my higher-ups. I really, really don't want to get in the middle of THAT triangulation. So now that I "know" something...I think that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Yeah, you really gotta watch for that. Maybe that higher up likes fucking your friend.

PurpleJedi said:

As for your previous response about our heirarchy. SHIT!!!! I never for ONE MINUTE considered any consequences for ME if the shit hits the fan at work! DAMN!!!! My friend & I are pretty much on the same level. Different departments. The vixen in question is connected to management. Her connection is one of my higher-ups. I really, really don't want to get in the middle of THAT triangulation. So now that I "know" something...I think that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Yikes. I only see bad endings with this situation. Is she manament or just "connected"? If he "breaks up" with her and she's bitter then he can kiss his job good bye. There could also be allegations of sexual harassment, especially if one person is at a higher professional level.

You have to try to stay out of it as much as possible. Be very careful about what you say to whom at work. Do not participate in the gossip about it and if the guy "friend" comes to you, give your opinion, BRIEFLY (as others have suggested), then point out you are not getting involved due to the fact that it's unprofessional.

Of course, maybe they're soul-mates and will end up happily ever after. Until he cheats on her with the new work hottie.

.

[Edited 8/30/10 8:14am]

PurpleJedi said:

So I have a friend...I would consider him a "good" friend, not my "best" friend or even an "Excellent: friend, but I think we're good friends. He's married, and a new dad.

Anyway, there's this really hot babe that we work with. Totally out of my league (I'm a married spud...I'm a married spud...) but apparently not HIS. Besides the usual man-talk about her hotness, for a few months now he's been telling me how "one day" he was going to give in to the temptation. I laughed it off, never thinking that he'd be capable of cheating or that SHE would be that crass. But then they started going to lunch together. Alot.

Then a rumor got to me that they'd done it. I take office rumors for what they are...RUMORS. But NOW, I've been told that they were seen in public making out.

I am at a loss of what to do.

As a good friend, am I supposed to try to stop him from ruining his life? Do I shut my mouth and wait for him to say something before I offer my opinion & advice? Is it even any of my business?

Tell his wife and watch the show unfold...

Or just let him be and cut him off from your life... You do not need weak people like that around you and eventually they'll drag you down in their stupidity without you even knowing it...

People like that are not needed and are quite useless in the human progression...

Neversin.

[Edited 8/30/10 8:48am]