We've all been there. All o us--kings, paupers, prostitutes, saints....everyone.

I'm talking about being stuck in a situation in which, without warning out of clear blue sky, you violently need to take a crap, but you're in place or a vehicle non-conducive to this burning, primal, gastric need.

There are few feelings in the world more horrifying then realizing you need to take a shit like...RIGHT AWAY...but you're stuck in a situation where you can't possibly do it right now, and you know it may take a while before you have your opportunity to sit upon the porcelain goddess and spew down her throat.

It happened to me just the other day as I was walking down Rhamkanhaeng rd., a very busy road with lots of great shopping venues and markets for food and cheap knockoffs. I was about 2 kilos from home and just taking a leisurely stroll.

...then ..... then .... then.... ..... then .... I got that uncomfortable white, hot, pain in my stomach--you know, the kind you sometimes get when you read a post by Genesia, Johnart or Tame? Although it wasn't that burning, ass-exploding, discomfort just yet, I knew it was going to be... I knew the soft, velvety, seal of my tender anus was no match for the wall of vile, steaming, fermented, nastiness that was prepared to spackle the walls of my beckoning bowl back home.

But would I make it home? It was two kilos away. It was rush hour....2 kilos is an eternity in Bangkok traffic.... and walking became more labored, with every step feeling like I was pressing a pump somewhere in my intestinal track that was trying release all that inner goodness to the world outside--which of course those sweet, sweet, Asians would not have appreciated in the middle of the street.

In my desperation I flagged down a motorcycle taxi and told him to take me to my residence. He drove me about a half a kilo then stopped, said something I couldn't understand in Thai, smiled apologetically, and drove off.

Was it something I said?

Was it something I did?

Did I release a silent-but-deadly cloud of ass-smoke that he inhaled?

What?

See, with 1.5 more kilos to go, and the pressure in my gut getting even more intense, a man has every right to get philosophical and shit. God, if you'll get me out of this! Lord Buddha, whatever I've done in a past life, can't we go a little it Christian and just forgive me? Zeus, if it gets to the end, strike me with a lightening bolt and just finish me off--I'd rather die than have my ass explode in front of a captive but horrified crowd, mmmkay? thanks.

Miraculously, about 1 kilo away from home, the feeling subsided, only to become intense when I got into my evaluator. The floors start moving much too slowly when you need to take a crap. Much, much too slowly. You really honestly get a sense of what an eternity in hell might be like.

Of course, I reached my toilet at home, sat upon it, and released a gush of liquidous, auquesque, steaming crap..... but I did so in my own bathroom, on my own toilet, in the privacy of my own place! And THAT was a very good thing, goddamnit!

For those of you who ask, "why didn't you just use a public toilet." .... Let me tell you, son--some of us folks don't...indeed, CAN'T accept that as an option.

Now, enough about me. Tell me about your experience similar to this.

Tell me about..... YOUR MATTER OF CRAP!

poppers to paupers edit

[Edited 7/24/10 21:08pm]

Best. Thread. Ever.

2 kilos is a LOT of poo

squirrelgrease said:

Best. Thread. Ever.

Thank you

That means a lot coming from such a brilliant person--brilliant for your humor, and being able to navigate the waters of Music & More unscathed.

ZombieKitten said:

2 kilos is a LOT of poo

OMG , you're reading the thread too quickly and getting facts jumbled up!

This thread is designed to be read slowly...absorbed... indeed, savored.

and I was afraid the org had flatlined...

glad you were able to void your void...

RenHoek said:

and I was afraid the org had flatlined...

glad you were able to void your void...

Thanks, boo

Don't you have any good crap stories to tell...perhaps on a boat out in the bay with no toilet?

tender anus! TENDER!!!

As if you don't have to plug that puckering Dumbo trunk of an asshole and seal it with a diaper before leaving home.

OK, my story also coincidentally involved 2 kilometres. I walked home from work, and nearly died on the way there. I DID have horrible horrible painful cramps, so bad I nearly fainted. Imagine that.

But I made it home even though the last 100m I was so doubled over I was nearly crawling on the ground, in my beige suit wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I predict that everyone who posts will have made it home in the nick of time.
Cuz no one in the org has ever had to bleach a pair of drawlz.

ZombieKitten said:

OK, my story also coincidentally involved 2 kilometres. I walked home from work, and nearly died on the way there. I DID have horrible horrible painful cramps, so bad I nearly fainted. Imagine that.

But I made it home even though the last 100m I was so doubled over I was nearly crawling on the ground, in my beige suit wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You left out what happened when you sat on the toilet.

But, I've never been 'doubled-over'....just extremely scared. Extremely irritated...and of course, uncomfortable.

True story.... my friends and I back in the states used to call each other when we had these moments.... not for comfort or cheer---but just to share our pain with others knowing it annoyed them.

I once needed to take a poo really, really badly, and a goddamned train decided to go through the road which was less than 2 kilos from my home. It was a very slow moving train....and the fucker stopped!!! Then reversed!!! It must have taken 20 minutes.

20 minutes feels like an eternity stuck in a car, with no other way to get home.

johnart said:

tender anus! TENDER!!!

As if you don't have to plug that puckering Dumbo trunk of an asshole and seal it with a diaper before leaving home.

I honestly have no clue what you're talking about, Jezebel!

TheVoid said:

ZombieKitten said:

OK, my story also coincidentally involved 2 kilometres. I walked home from work, and nearly died on the way there. I DID have horrible horrible painful cramps, so bad I nearly fainted. Imagine that.

But I made it home even though the last 100m I was so doubled over I was nearly crawling on the ground, in my beige suit wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You left out what happened when you sat on the toilet.

But, I've never been 'doubled-over'....just extremely scared. Extremely irritated...and of course, uncomfortable.

True story.... my friends and I back in the states used to call each other when we had these moments.... not for comfort or cheer---but just to share our pain with others knowing it annoyed them.

I once needed to take a poo really, really badly, and a goddamned train decided to go through the road which was less than 2 kilos from my home. It was a very slow moving train....and the fucker stopped!!! Then reversed!!! It must have taken 20 minutes.

20 minutes feels like an eternity stuck in a car, with no other way to get home.

please stop saying kilos!!!!

what happened next was HEAVEN apart from a successful epidural during hard labour, there probably isn't anything better than that kind of relief

TheVoid said:

johnart said:

tender anus! TENDER!!!

As if you don't have to plug that puckering Dumbo trunk of an asshole and seal it with a diaper before leaving home.

I honestly have no clue what you're talking about, Jezebel!

I'd repress it too.

ZombieKitten said:

TheVoid said:

You left out what happened when you sat on the toilet.

But, I've never been 'doubled-over'....just extremely scared. Extremely irritated...and of course, uncomfortable.

True story.... my friends and I back in the states used to call each other when we had these moments.... not for comfort or cheer---but just to share our pain with others knowing it annoyed them.

I once needed to take a poo really, really badly, and a goddamned train decided to go through the road which was less than 2 kilos from my home. It was a very slow moving train....and the fucker stopped!!! Then reversed!!! It must have taken 20 minutes.

20 minutes feels like an eternity stuck in a car, with no other way to get home.

please stop saying kilos!!!!

what happened next was HEAVEN apart from a successful epidural during hard labour, there probably isn't anything better than that kind of relief

I remember my sister's first pregnancy, when she went into labor.

The look on her face was just too much. She looked as if she was being torn apart every time she had a cramp. It was horrifying...I felt completely helpless cause I knew it was more painful than anything I'd ever experienced or anything she'd ever experience...so words don't even help.

After her epidural, she looked at her little device that shows your contractions happening, and then looked over at me and smiled with sly grin...she simply said, "I'm having a contraction"....

Apparently the epidural does wonders. I wonder why women actually opt for natural... that just seems..... so torturous.

I took one of these craps this morning. I wasn't even out and about (thank Cher). I was right here at home, I just barely made it to the bowl in time.

I thought I was gonna need a helmet.

Huston we have LIFT OFF!!!

[Edited 7/24/10 21:35pm]

I believe this was a seinfeld episode.

And I'm not talking about the Elaine "Not a square to spare" episode.

johnart said:

I took one of these craps this morning. I wasn't even out and about (thank Cher). I was right here at home, I just barely made it to the bowl in time.

I thought I was gonna need a helmet.

Huston we have LIFT OFF!!!

[Edited 7/24/10 21:35pm]

With your anus though, I would imagine a ziplock style opening would be ideal.

But I digress. It's a good thing you were home. Heaven forbid, it was like your usual morning, waking up in some apartment you don't recognize and having to figure out how to get home.

TheVoid said:

ZombieKitten said:

please stop saying kilos!!!!

what happened next was HEAVEN apart from a successful epidural during hard labour, there probably isn't anything better than that kind of relief

I remember my sister's first pregnancy, when she went into labor.

The look on her face was just too much. She looked as if she was being torn apart every time she had a cramp. It was horrifying...I felt completely helpless cause I knew it was more painful than anything I'd ever experienced or anything she'd ever experience...so words don't even help.

After her epidural, she looked at her little device that shows your contractions happening, and then looked over at me and smiled with sly grin...she simply said, "I'm having a contraction"....

Apparently the epidural does wonders. I wonder why women actually opt for natural... that just seems..... so torturous.

was she induced? obstructed labour? I'd say those 2 are great reasons to get an epidural, otherwise things happen faster and aren't so bad. But yeah, the pain goes away, your feet heat up and it feels like christmas arrived and you are allowed to be a human again

TheVoid said:

johnart said:

I took one of these craps this morning. I wasn't even out and about (thank Cher). I was right here at home, I just barely made it to the bowl in time.

I thought I was gonna need a helmet.

Huston we have LIFT OFF!!!

[Edited 7/24/10 21:35pm]

With your anus though, I would imagine a ziplock style opening would be ideal.

But I digress. It's a good thing you were home. Heaven forbid, it was like your usual morning, waking up in some apartment you don't recognize and having to figure out how to get home.

Oh Dan, you messy, messy bottom.

ZombieKitten said:

TheVoid said:

I remember my sister's first pregnancy, when she went into labor.

The look on her face was just too much. She looked as if she was being torn apart every time she had a cramp. It was horrifying...I felt completely helpless cause I knew it was more painful than anything I'd ever experienced or anything she'd ever experience...so words don't even help.

After her epidural, she looked at her little device that shows your contractions happening, and then looked over at me and smiled with sly grin...she simply said, "I'm having a contraction"....

Apparently the epidural does wonders. I wonder why women actually opt for natural... that just seems..... so torturous.

was she induced? obstructed labour? I'd say those 2 are great reasons to get an epidural, otherwise things happen faster and aren't so bad. But yeah, the pain goes away, your feet heat up and it feels like christmas arrived and you are allowed to be a human again

No, it was a normal pregnancy. She insisted on an epidural because of her fixation with pregnancy-pain. She was OBSESSED with the pain months and months prior to having the baby.

So after she was 4 centimeters dilated they gave it to her. Her labor was fast though. Not much pushing.

Same with her second pregnancy... When she spoke to her doctor she said, "You're going to earn your money easily tonight, because I'm popping this baby out pronto!"

johnart said:

TheVoid said:

With your anus though, I would imagine a ziplock style opening would be ideal.

But I digress. It's a good thing you were home. Heaven forbid, it was like your usual morning, waking up in some apartment you don't recognize and having to figure out how to get home.

Oh Dan, you messy, messy bottom.

Look, I'm going to say this until I'm blue in the face if I have to.

My anus is like Super-man.... Penis is like Cryptonite. See? See?

That way, it can be soft and tender, should my negotiations with effan end up with me giving more than taking.

.

[Edited 7/24/10 21:53pm]

TheVoid said:

johnart said:

Oh Dan, you messy, messy bottom.

Look, I'm going to say this until I'm blue in the face if I have to.

My anus is like Super-man.... Penis is like Cryptonite. See? See?

That way, it can be soft and tender, should my negotiations with effan end up with me giving more than taking.

.

[Edited 7/24/10 21:53pm]

TheVoid said:

You don't shit for the first 5 to 7 days. Nobody does.

But Air Force latrines in basic training are spotless, and smell nice and clean. The Latrine Queens keep the floors so clean you could eat off of them. So, no issues using Air Force toilets.

johnart said:

TheVoid said:

Look, I'm going to say this until I'm blue in the face if I have to.

My anus is like Super-man.... Penis is like Cryptonite. See? See?

That way, it can be soft and tender, should my negotiations with effan end up with me giving more than taking.

.

[Edited 7/24/10 21:53pm]

You better stop smacking those lips before a my-little-pony gift-set falls out of your mouth.

TheVoid said:

TheVoid said:

johnart said:

You better stop smacking those lips before a my-little-pony gift-set falls out of your mouth.

You're right. What the hell are you gonna do with another one of those?

FauxReal said:

TheVoid said:

You don't shit for the first 5 to 7 days. Nobody does.

But Air Force latrines in basic training are spotless, and smell nice and clean. The Latrine Queens keep the floors so clean you could eat off of them. So, no issues using Air Force toilets.

Good points. I shat day 3ish though.

You adjusted quickly.

Most guys don't even start sleeping normally until the third day.

It's quite traumatic for most... I remember by the 5th day somebody started say, "Man I can't remember the last time I took a shit.", and then we all realized we couldn't either.

What was your squadron? I was in "Mother Russia", which was pretty damned tough.

If not for all my 398 appointments, I would have probably thought it pretty damned miserable.

It was kind of funny too though.

Wasn't a crap, but i was in a minivan full of my Photography art class on our way back from London. We all hit it very hard the night before and i was feeling awful, i mean REALLY bad. We were stuck in a huge traffic jam on the motorway and my head was spinning like fuck. My class was all girls apart from me, and our Lecturer was driving. I thought i was going to shout soup over everyone, and we would be stuck in a vomit scented capsule on wheels for the duration of the journey. How i managed to hold it back is amazing. I was sheet white and nobody had a clue that i was within a nudge of spraying everyone exorcist style. The thoughts that were racing through my mind as i was sitting there with a class full of attractive girls around me, and me on the verge of bad feedback: which was kickstarted by a chocolate chip muffin i had at the hotel. I still thank god to this day that i got through that one.