I hate to talk about breaking up. For one thing, it means I'm admitting defeat, which my ego tends to hate more than anything on God's green earth.

That being said, lawd, have I broken up before.. and been broken up...

Anyways, I've been mum about this for some time, but I've been seeing someone for several months, and recently called it off....3 days ago to be exact.

The odd thing is that even though I'm not emotionally distraught over it, I feel very guilty right now. I knew there was no connection between us at least a couple weeks into our 'relationship' (if you even want to call it that).

A couple things I'll admit:

1) I wasn't serious about the relationship. She was very serious.

2) I'm 37. She's 24

3) I speak remarkably good English (though I can't spell for shit), and she speaks EngRish Chinese style. Communication was a problem, though not a major one.

4) I think she was a fetish. And I think it's that Chinese Soup dude's fault I fell into it. It didn't help that the entire time we were together that I still kept my crush on that motherfucker.

5) I've told nobody in my family about her because in the back of my mind I knew I'd call it quits.

Anyways, I have personal policy of not communicating with my exes. But she sent me an incredibly heartfelt letter that filled me with a sense of regret. In it, she expressed she wants to be friends forever. The problem I have with this is that I always fall into the pattern of sleeping with my exes if I stay friends with them, and then one of us gets emotionally attached again---friends with benefits in my case leads to one of us having unrequited love.

At 24 years of age, when the heart breaks, it breaks very hard. It shreds you apart, and you lose weight and sleep. I know what she's feeling right now. I know it very well. And it's really getting my goat that if I call again, I will give her false hope. But if I don't, I'll be a very bad memory for which she'll want forget for a very long time.

When will I learn not to treat any relationships casually? I've lost friends this way. I don't want the pattern to just keep going on and on.

I'm not looking for advice guys, because honestly I know I'll just do whatever it is I feel like doing. So I guess I'm looking for your stories about when you've called it quits and what the results were of that.

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

PunkMistress said:

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

TheVoid said:

PunkMistress said:

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

I'm being deadly serious here. I think in a past life, we were split from the same spiritual zygote.

I know.

Seriously.

I know you're not looking for advice, but for her sake please just leave her alone. In the end all it's the best for her, even if she doesn't see that yet. If you want to respond to let her know you wish her well, that's OK, but I'd make it clear you can't keep up a friendship immediately after a break-up.

Sorry you're going through this. Even if you weren't all that "invested" it still sucks.

PunkMistress said:

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

I've done both. The last guy who I was with for 2 yrs, I haven't seen since I moved out about 3 months ago. We didn't have a whole lot of fun together so there's seems no point in pretending that we can be friends. Also, he really didn't want things to end so I figure I'll only hurt him further.

In the past however, I've stayed friends for many years at times. You have a point though Dan, I think there was always an undisclosed hope that things might rekindle. Unlike you though, I've never shagged an ex - Once I'm not interested, I stay that way. Once they finally accepted this, the friendship dwindled.

As to the guilt - it hurts to hurt

CarrieMpls said:

I know you're not looking for advice, but for her sake please just leave her alone. In the end all it's the best for her, even if she doesn't see that yet. If you want to respond to let her know you wish her well, that's OK, but I'd make it clear you can't keep up a friendship immediately after a break-up.

Sorry you're going through this. Even if you weren't all that "invested" it still sucks.

I will say, this comes from my experience of wanting a complete break and the person breaking up with me insisting on remaining friends. I went along cause it was too hard to resist, despite my knowing better.

In the end all, it just dragged my feelings out all the more - for much, much longer than it should have. A clean break would have allowed me to heal much faster and move along with things.

CarrieMpls said:

CarrieMpls said:

I know you're not looking for advice, but for her sake please just leave her alone. In the end all it's the best for her, even if she doesn't see that yet. If you want to respond to let her know you wish her well, that's OK, but I'd make it clear you can't keep up a friendship immediately after a break-up.

Sorry you're going through this. Even if you weren't all that "invested" it still sucks.

I will say, this comes from my experience of wanting a complete break and the person breaking up with me insisting on remaining friends. I went along cause it was too hard to resist, despite my knowing better.

In the end all, it just dragged my feelings out all the more - for much, much longer than it should have. A clean break would have allowed me to heal much faster and move along with things.

I have to agree with everything you've written.

The problem in this case is that I already feel like something is missing. Though I'm not emotionally distraught, something just doesn't feel right.

Either way, I'm going to do exactly as you said, but I'll just freak out about how to word my response.

I'm going celibate at least until my birthday.

I'm happiest when I simplify my life.

TheVoid said:

CarrieMpls said:

I will say, this comes from my experience of wanting a complete break and the person breaking up with me insisting on remaining friends. I went along cause it was too hard to resist, despite my knowing better.

In the end all, it just dragged my feelings out all the more - for much, much longer than it should have. A clean break would have allowed me to heal much faster and move along with things.

I have to agree with everything you've written.

The problem in this case is that I already feel like something is missing. Though I'm not emotionally distraught, something just doesn't feel right.

Either way, I'm going to do exactly as you said, but I'll just freak out about how to word my response.

I'm going celibate at least until my birthday.

I'm happiest when I simplify my life.

Well, since I'll be there for your bday, I can take you out to the gaybar to end your stretch if you like. You know with me there we'll have half the place flocking to us and you'll have your pick of the litter.

Not that you need my help, I mean.

PunkMistress said:

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

I think that's a good rule of thumb. Although my personal rule is no contact for 6 months, after that we can become friends again. It seems to work for me.

CarrieMpls said:

TheVoid said:

I have to agree with everything you've written.

The problem in this case is that I already feel like something is missing. Though I'm not emotionally distraught, something just doesn't feel right.

Either way, I'm going to do exactly as you said, but I'll just freak out about how to word my response.

I'm going celibate at least until my birthday.

I'm happiest when I simplify my life.

Well, since I'll be there for your bday, I can take you out to the gaybar to end your stretch if you like. You know with me there we'll have half the place flocking to us and you'll have your pick of the litter.

Not that you need my help, I mean.

oh god, no please. You're too popular at those things.

I'm not in a man mood anyway, high maintenance little catty things they are.

Oh god, but we still need to hop into the gay panda-bear kareoke place and drag Nick with us.

this may seem like a weird response, but here goes:

I break up with people all the time. As a pastor, when you leave a church, the ethical thing to do is not make contact with church members after you leave, because it is a part of the process. They and you need to heal and be open to new (leaders) in this case....

So some people have more in depth feelings, more connectedness, and the heart hurts more....there is a sense of guilt, but that is just how it goes. You don't fall into "going back". You are right, that will make her think all will be right again.

She invested too much, too fast. That is not your fault. We choose how much time, we learn. That is being an adult. That is growth.

I am not trying to be cold, and heart is probably a little steelier..............

bluesbaby said:

this may seem like a weird response, but here goes:

I break up with people all the time. As a pastor, when you leave a church, the ethical thing to do is not make contact with church members after you leave, because it is a part of the process. They and you need to heal and be open to new (leaders) in this case....

So some people have more in depth feelings, more connectedness, and the heart hurts more....there is a sense of guilt, but that is just how it goes. You don't fall into "going back". You are right, that will make her think all will be right again.

She invested too much, too fast. That is not your fault. We choose how much time, we learn. That is being an adult. That is growth.

I am not trying to be cold, and heart is probably a little steelier..............

Doesn't sound weird at all.

I agree with what you've written here.

I agree also, that it's best to just leave her alone.

I stopped seeing someone 6 weeks ago, and it is KILLING me that we aren't even friends anymore, but we got to this point BECAUSE after our initial break up last year, we went thru phases of friendship until we ended up in bed again and the drama started over.

I cannot be his "friend" and see him with other women- I'm not even going to lie. I want all or nothing. Saying "Let's be Friends", in my experience, becomes a way to keep the person around.

I think of something funny, or something happens and he's the first person I want to call... well I can't, and it was my choice this time. If I can't have him ALL, I don't want him AT ALL. It took me almost a year to get there. She'll get over it. I'm trying...

Poor girl .

Break-ups hurt terribly at every age if the person really meant a lot to you. I am totally heart-broken and I am 42 and not 24.

Serious said:

Poor girl .

Break-ups hurt terribly at every age if the person really meant a lot to you. I am totally heart-broken and I am 42 and not 24.

chocolate1 said:

I agree also, that it's best to just leave her alone.

I stopped seeing someone 6 weeks ago, and it is KILLING me that we aren't even friends anymore, but we got to this point BECAUSE after our initial break up last year, we went thru phases of friendship until we ended up in bed again and the drama started over.

I cannot be his "friend" and see him with other women- I'm not even going to lie. I want all or nothing. Saying "Let's be Friends", in my experience, becomes a way to keep the person around.

I think of something funny, or something happens and he's the first person I want to call... well I can't, and it was my choice this time. If I can't have him ALL, I don't want him AT ALL. It took me almost a year to get there. She'll get over it. I'm trying...

I know that everybody says that but for me the pain was not nearly as deep as long as me and my ex still were seeing each other all the time, watching TV together on the couch and things like that. He was not my man anymore but he was still there in a way and that was comforting. Now that he has somebody new and we sometimes don't speak for days it hurts way more . Maybe it' because he was mostly my best friend and I know that we would not end up in bed again even though we always had great sex all these years we were together.

[Edited 6/13/10 0:26am]

Serious said:

Poor girl .

Break-ups hurt terribly at every age if the person really meant a lot to you. I am totally heart-broken and I am 42 and not 24.

May I ask a personal question?

You talk a lot about your ex and how heartbroken you are over him.

Does your current boyfriend know how hung up you are on this other guy?

PunkMistress said:

Serious said:

Poor girl .

Break-ups hurt terribly at every age if the person really meant a lot to you. I am totally heart-broken and I am 42 and not 24.

May I ask a personal question?

You talk a lot about your ex and how heartbroken you are over him.

Does your current boyfriend know how hung up you are on this other guy?

I don't hide it and he knows we are still pretty close or at least I am still pretty close, he not so much. And he knows how happy I was with him and that I wish I had my old life back . But I avoid to tell him too much about it as I don't want to hurt him or loose him. I love him so much and I am afraid he might think he cannot make me happy. But he knows that I am struggling a lot. It probably would be a lot easier if I could live with my bf instead of just talking to him on the phone and not seeing him for months . Or if we at least knew a way to change that for the future . Or if he and me would match for a relationship . Because apart from loving each other like crazy we totally don't while I and my ex totally did.

He is actually dealing pretty fine with it and says he would not even mind if I still had sex with my ex . He tells me that he knows that I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel so lonely because he (my new bf) isn't there and he knows how much I enjoy sex and wants me to be happy . Of course I would never do that. But I know that it is a dangerous thing for my new relationship to love somebody else too. But my ex has been my very best friend for 20 years and my bf for 17 years and we were a lot closer than most couples .

[Edited 6/12/10 14:21pm]

Serious said:

PunkMistress said:

May I ask a personal question?

You talk a lot about your ex and how heartbroken you are over him.

Does your current boyfriend know how hung up you are on this other guy?

I don't hide it and he knows we are still pretty close or at least I am still pretty close, he not so much. And he knows how happy I was with him and that I wish I had my old life back . But I avoid to tell him too much about it as I don't want to hurt him or loose him. I love him so much and I am afraid he might think he cannot make me happy. But he knows that I am struggling a lot. It probably would be a lot easier if I could live with my bf instead of just talking to him on the phone and not seeing him for months . Or if we at least knew a way to change that for the future . Or if he and me would match for a relationship . Because apart from loving each other like crazy we totally don't while I and my ex totally did.

He is actually dealing pretty fine with it and says he would not even mind if I still had sex with my ex . He tells me that he knows that I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel so lonely because he (my new bf) isn't there and he knows how much I enjoy sex and wants me to be happy . Of course I would never do that. But I know that it is a dangerous thing for my new relationship to love somebody else too. But my ex has been my very best friend for 20 years and my bf for 17 years and we were a lot closer than most couples .

[Edited 6/12/10 14:21pm]

Thanks for answering so honestly.

I really hope things get better for you and that happiness finds you.

PunkMistress said:

Serious said:

I don't hide it and he knows we are still pretty close or at least I am still pretty close, he not so much. And he knows how happy I was with him and that I wish I had my old life back . But I avoid to tell him too much about it as I don't want to hurt him or loose him. I love him so much and I am afraid he might think he cannot make me happy. But he knows that I am struggling a lot. It probably would be a lot easier if I could live with my bf instead of just talking to him on the phone and not seeing him for months . Or if we at least knew a way to change that for the future . Or if he and me would match for a relationship . Because apart from loving each other like crazy we totally don't while I and my ex totally did.

He is actually dealing pretty fine with it and says he would not even mind if I still had sex with my ex . He tells me that he knows that I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel so lonely because he (my new bf) isn't there and he knows how much I enjoy sex and wants me to be happy . Of course I would never do that. But I know that it is a dangerous thing for my new relationship to love somebody else too. But my ex has been my very best friend for 20 years and my bf for 17 years and we were a lot closer than most couples .

[Edited 6/12/10 14:21pm]

Thanks for answering so honestly.

I really hope things get better for you and that happiness finds you.

Thank you . I hardly remember what happiness is .

We just spoke a bit about it on the phone and he tells me I am too emotional and he is right about that. And he mentioned that my bf did not feel loved anymore when I fell in love with somebody else (him) and when I said that it wasn't true because you can love more than one person he said I would not like it if he was in love with somebody else and I admitted that he is right about that .

Please tell me you didnt dump her for Katie Couric!?!?!??

I'm getting a cradle to the crypt vibe here.

[Edited 6/12/10 18:09pm]

meh

[Edited 6/12/10 20:44pm]

Muse2NoPharaoh said:

Please tell me you didnt dump her for Katie Couric!?!?!??

oh

emmm

geeee

...

[Edited 6/12/10 21:15pm]

...

[Edited 6/12/10 21:11pm]

PunkMistress said:

I cut people off like a dead leaf on a tree.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy, but most of the time it feels like the cleanest, healthiest way. No messiness, no fake pretending you care what's going on in their lives, no dealing with the annoying shit that made you want to end the relationship or friendship in the first place.

errr.

how on earth do you quote and bold some part of the text? did something happen with the .org?

(yes i had english lessons Dan)

anyway.

same here PM.