So I guess as an outcome of divorce and the stupid relatiopnship I was in rite afterwards, I'm now full of baggage. Does or has anyone else experienced this and how do you get rid of it?

It's not just me either, I notice it in my son as well.

We have a wonderful person in our life who does nothing but show us love and support, and I see me and my son trying our hardest to find fault in him and push him away. It's like we can't accept that someone ac tually cares for us and has no alterior motives so we try to pick fights or fabricate fault with people in our head, or sit there and WAIT for them to hurt us or lie.

WTF?

I know this is a turn off, unattractive, and ultimatley gets old for the other person. Share your stories here and how do you make it go away?

Mainly I'm asking for Noah. I don't want him to live life this way. I want him to accept and expect nothing less than good out of people and his relationships.

hmmm.

I'm not terribly mature about these things but I think you're doing fine. I also think that no matter what you tell your children, they will always chose for themselves when it comes to love.

I've never been one who believes that being 'all good' is possible unless of course you've been enlightened.

Otherwise, it's not possible to suppress jealousy, angry, sadness, etc. What I think is possible is to find ways of channeling that energy into positive outcomes. It's actually part of imago therapy I've been told (only in the last few years, long after I took in interest in the word 'imago' )

I think you need time to heal and that you realize that you are acting the way you are is a step in that direction.

I see what you're saying Dan. With the kids, I mean. But I'd like to show him that he DOES deserve love and to be treated well by other people. I think what our problem is, is that we feel either like we don't deserve it, or that it's not real cuz its a new concept to us. I'm trying to find a way to show him that these are not healthy feelings or actions to have......to push ppl away.

Serious said:

I think you need time to heal and that you realize that you are acting the way you are is a step in that direction.

Thanks!

Serious question – have you considered counseling for your kids, or maybe just Noah? Divorce is a big adjustment. The school may be able to suggest a free or low-cost program even.

PS - You're not defective.

CarrieMpls said:

Serious question – have you considered counseling for your kids, or maybe just Noah? Divorce is a big adjustment. The school may be able to suggest a free or low-cost program even.

PS - You're not defective.

Ya, Noah goes to counseling once a week. It's crazy what I learn about my own son's feelings in there. I love it. It helps so much because a lot of the stuff that comes out I never even know he's feeling, or never knew certain things affected him the way they did, and it helps me to handle situations that come up throughout the week with a lot more understanding. He's an awesome kid.

No one is perfect so now that we all know each of us IS defective ~ you can let that go and just love yourself and your children and allow yourself time to heal and grow

Sounds like you are doing the best you can day by day and that's all any of us can do ...key word being "do", many make the choice not to so pat yourself on the back hun

Mach said:

No one is perfect so now that we all know each of us IS defective ~ you can let that go and just love yourself and your children and allow yourself time to heal and grow

Sounds like you are doing the best you can day by day and that's all any of us can do ...key word being "do", many make the choice not to so pat yourself on the back hun

Thnaks Mach!

you're afraid of being hurt again, which is easy to understand, but if you have someone who wants to give you their heart, you should be willing to take a try

that being said perhaps you yourself feel you don't deserve someone nice, but you do. you've experienced a bad relationship, so you can see the difference that a good relationship brings

take a day at a time and just enjoy it

BlackAdder7 said:

I know you feel sort of irrational for feeling the way you do about your current boyfriend, but considering that you went through a very ugly divorce and a subsequent relationship where you were feeling quite vulnerable emotionally and taken advantage of for some poontang, I can see why you would be emotionally putting up barriers. It's a natural response for trying to avoid pain and heartache. As for yourself, you just need to remiond yourself every day that you are worthy of loving and being loved by a wonderful person, and that you deserve to have the best, most loving relationship you've ever dreamed of.

But as for your son, it's a little bit trickier, because he has been hurt as badly as you have, and even if your current boyfriend can show you that he is a wonderful person and potentially a great husband and father figure, it will take longer for your son to be convinced of that, because any situation that comes up which reminds him of the ugly past relationships is naturally going to trigger some resistance. I think that its great that you have him in some counseling, as it will help him to deal with his own feelings about your past relationships that he probably can't bring up directly with you, either because he is too scared, ashamed, or doesn't want to hurt you, even if this would not do so. Just let hinm know that you will always be there for him, and that you will love himn always, no matter who you may end up falling in love with.

728huey said:

BlackAdder7 said:

you're afraid of being hurt again, which is easy to understand, but if you have someone who wants to give you their heart, you should be willing to take a try

that being said perhaps you yourself feel you don't deserve someone nice, but you do. you've experienced a bad relationship, so you can see the difference that a good relationship brings

take a day at a time and just enjoy it

I know you feel sort of irrational for feeling the way you do about your current boyfriend, but considering that you went through a very ugly divorce and a subsequent relationship where you were feeling quite vulnerable emotionally and taken advantage of for some poontang, I can see why you would be emotionally putting up barriers. It's a natural response for trying to avoid pain and heartache. As for yourself, you just need to remiond yourself every day that you are worthy of loving and being loved by a wonderful person, and that you deserve to have the best, most loving relationship you've ever dreamed of.

But as for your son, it's a little bit trickier, because he has been hurt as badly as you have, and even if your current boyfriend can show you that he is a wonderful person and potentially a great husband and father figure, it will take longer for your son to be convinced of that, because any situation that comes up which reminds him of the ugly past relationships is naturally going to trigger some resistance. I think that its great that you have him in some counseling, as it will help him to deal with his own feelings about your past relationships that he probably can't bring up directly with you, either because he is too scared, ashamed, or doesn't want to hurt you, even if this would not do so. Just let hinm know that you will always be there for him, and that you will love himn always, no matter who you may end up falling in love with.

This is very good advice thank you! My son is seven and I feel that the main problem is his relationship with his father, the pre and post seperation/divorce.

I do at times seriously consider fighting my X for him to break all contact with the children, although I'm only 50 percent sure he would do that. It's the way that my children feel when they are with him that aggravates me to no end. They feel that they have been completely replaced with his new family, which really they have, and its just a lot of adjusting and broken heartedness for them. He doesn't harm the children physically though, and now that the kids are 5 and 7 I think it would do damage to completely take them away from him, although my X is slowly seeing them less and less anyways. His decision.

Well. I dunno divorce is just complicated.

But ya, the counseling is wonderful, and the children are adjusting rather well. My 5 year old daughter seem to not have changed at all. But that concerns me too, because it doesn't seem normal. Like is she holding it in? Or is it really not bothering her YET?

I've also been keeping the kids away from my X-laws and there has been a HUGE behavorial difference since then, so thats one positive thing. Their dad tho.......I dunno what to do.

[Edited 6/16/10 7:29am]

And I miss Gristle Adams.

Wat in Thee F is my problem.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

And I miss Gristle Adams.

Wat in Thee F is my problem.

I will let Justerin answer THAT one.

You are not defective. Everyone deals with this sort of thing different. Divorce is tough.

My parents divorced when I was 12 though my mom and I ran away from my dad before that more time then I can count.

When my mom was finally single and had the long divorce (months of fighting with my father in court many states away) she took time for herself and searched for herself a bit.

She did not bring any of her "boyfriends" or lovers home until she was serious about them.

She did not want to confuse me, put me in a difficult position or have someone around to try to replace my dad who was no longer in my life.

I am glad that your son is in counceling, it is good for him to have someone to express his feelings to.

It is so difficult to know what is going through their young minds.

Just let him know that you are there for him and love him. Make sure he has other outlets to express himself.

Don't underestimate your worth and your happiness.

Kids like to see their parents happy.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

And I miss Gristle Adams.

Wat in Thee F is my problem.

You're definitely defective.

JustErin said:

TotalANXiousNESS said:

And I miss Gristle Adams.

Wat in Thee F is my problem.

You're definitely defective.

MrsMdiver said:

TotalANXiousNESS said:

And I miss Gristle Adams.

Wat in Thee F is my problem.

I will let Justerin answer THAT one.

You are not defective. Everyone deals with this sort of thing different. Divorce is tough.

My parents divorced when I was 12 though my mom and I ran away from my dad before that more time then I can count.

When my mom was finally single and had the long divorce (months of fighting with my father in court many states away) she took time for herself and searched for herself a bit.

She did not bring any of her "boyfriends" or lovers home until she was serious about them.

She did not want to confuse me, put me in a difficult position or have someone around to try to replace my dad who was no longer in my life.

I am glad that your son is in counceling, it is good for him to have someone to express his feelings to.

It is so difficult to know what is going through their young minds.

Just let him know that you are there for him and love him. Make sure he has other outlets to express himself.

Don't underestimate your worth and your happiness.

Kids like to see their parents happy.

Thanks for sharing that Val.

The best advice I ever got was this:

Treat everyone you meet with the certainty that they have only good intentions toward you.

This is a lot harder to do than it sounds, especially after someone's hurt you. But it's the truth - with very, VERY rare exceptions, everyone you meet only wants to help you, not hurt you.

When you open yourself up to that and embrace it, the attitude you begin to reflect toward everyone you meet is 100% different, and what happens is that not only do they all want to do good things for you, they START doing good things for you.

It's incredible really, but not magic when you think about it. When you meet someone who has 100% faith in you and your intentions toward them, you automatically like them.

I hope this helps!