Me: [Daughter], have you been taking [asthma medicine] every day?
Daughter: Not every single day.
Me: Take it every day.
Daughter: Okay.
Me: Or I'll punch you in the face.
Daughter: ...okay.

Auntie's crazy-ass neighbor when her dog ran into his yard: I'll catch that dog! I'M DEREK JETER!!!

Me: Mushanga's butt looked really great in that picture.
Chris: I would like to see you grab it.

Mushanga: *knock knock*
Chris and Me:

Okay, that last part didn't happen.

Me: ( to Jess ) What did you have for dinner

Jess : Food

the starbucks guy: what kind of milk with your chai latte?

me: what do you have again?


him: we can do 2%, soy, or fat free.


me: I'll take fat free


him: we don't have any fat free

A conversation with my 4 year old son yesterday:

Ben - 'What's those things in your ears?'
Me - 'Earrings'
Ben - 'Can I have them on my ears?'
Me - 'Nope. you don't have any holes in youe ears'
Ben - 'Dad, please can you make some holes in my ears?'

florescent said:

That's why I love teaching kids - they're so bloody funny.

DesireeNevermind said:

HAHAHA!

vivid said:

What age kids do you teach, Viv?

florescent said:

I don't anymore. I manage. But abroad I used to teach kids from 9 yrs upwards.

A conversation that happened about 4 years ago now.



My nephew: Mommy

My Sister: Yes?

My nephew: This bicylce says 'made in china'

My sister: Everything is made in China.

My nephew: But I got this from Santa Clause.

My sister: [with a sinking feeling in her stomach] ok?

My nephew: Doesn't he have elves to make this? Why does he need China if he has elves?

Another conversation that happened about 4 1/2 years ago.


My nephew: Uncle Dan.

Me: Yes?

My nephew: I have a great plan for Christmas.

Me: OK?

My nephew: You know how you told me the PS3, XBox360 and macbook are expensive?

Me: yes?

My nephew: Well, Mitchell's going to ask Santa for the PS3, I'll ask Santa for the XBox360, and we'll tell Santa mommy needs a new macbook.
That way all you have to do is buy us the cheap presents like video games.
Sounds like a good idea, huh?

Me: yeah. Great idea, Harrison. Great idea.

Me: Don't come near it. I'm cooking and the burners are on. I don't want you getting burned.

My nephews: Why? Mommy lets us do it.

Me: Your mommy loves you more than I do and lets you do stuff. Understood?

TheVoid said:

OK, I"m in a mood to talk about my nephews tonight.
I used to threaten my nephews if they were too noisy or rambuntious that I would drive them to the restaurant that served a dish called cat poo soup, which of course doesn't exist. I used to tell them the waitress was really mean and nasty and forced them to eat every last drop of cat poo soup and in the end they would have to tip her handsomely.



Me: If you kids don't be quiet, we're going to the place that serves 'Cat Poo Soup'

Harrison[nephew]: Uncle Dan, there is no place that serves cat poo soup is there?


Me: Why would you say that?

Harrison: Because nobody would want to eat it. And they'd never make money and go out of business. It's a stupid thing to have on the menu.

TheVoid said:

Fantastic!

I miss my kids being at the age where they'd say hilarious things every day.

Once my youngest decided my name was not Mommy, it was Gonta. She called me Gonta for a week. She also had "invisible fairy friends" named Glem and Rallagill.

The day she told me "Mom, Glem and Rallagill are not really real" broke my heart!

On a trip home from school shopping one year they were talking about Dick Cheney on the news for whatever reason...

My daughter in the back seat.. ... Whats Dick Cheney's last name

Me..

Her brother...

I asked her why she would ask that and it always ran together in her head so she thought it was his first name..




Then another time she wanted to make cookies and I usually keep the sticks of butter in the freezer because I dont use them fast enough, so I told her she had to defrost them first...

So what do I find when I walked into the kitchen 2 sticks of mostly melted butter floating in the sink of hot water...

That is how I usuaslly defrosted meat, so thats how she thought it was done

.
[Edited 5/11/10 10:15am]

That's so cute.

I don't get the part about not using butter often, though.

Me & my 11 grader...

Me: I want you to aim for Northwestern University...! ()

Her: Okay.

PunkMistress said:

Well, I always have a back up pack of butter, and I keep it in the freezer cuz it takes us forever to go thru 4 sticks and I figure its a dairy product and it could go bad??

My grandma once said she had to feed the fish. I thought I'd help out, so I took a cutlets that was on a plate and threw it into the fishbowl. The next day, she called to say I killed her fish. What a stupid 4 year old.

tinaz said:

Still

I go through 4 sticks of butter every 5 days.

DesireeNevermind said:

Reminds me of my wife talking to the Dunkins drive thru guy:


her: I'll have a large vanilla coffee

him: we don't have vanilla coffee

her: ok vanilla bean or whatever you call it

him: you mean a coolata?

her: no a coffee

him: we don't have vanilla bean coffee

her: what flavored coffee do you have?

him: hazlenut, french vanilla...

her: a large french vanilla

him: please drive up

paintsprayer said:

Hershe said:

A student at work today (he's developmentally disabled and got, uh, really mad at one of the teachers): She can't tell me what to fuckin' do, she's not my fuckin' boss, she needs to be in JAIL! I'm'a bust her in her fuckin' MOUTH! I'm'a get my knife and cut her fuckin' THROAT! Call the cops on her, fuckin' BITCH!

He gives the best hugs, though.

Just don't piss him off.

PunkMistress said:

All the goods, plus she wouldn't be so very far from home.

PunkMistress said:

It really does, doesn't it... I wish I could look that linger, slim and tight while standing up!

Mushanga said:

You should do more than just grab it btw.

Mushanga said:

I had a tiny smudge on my monitor, and I swear I thought the guy was wearing a hat.



I thought you'd found a new emoticon!