I would no more let a pedo around my kids than I would let a thief near my wallet. He can say sorry till his mouth dries and his tongue swells. Fuck him and his kind. Glad Mo'Nique has chosen to stay away from him. I just hope she maintains that much sense for her own safety and the safety of her kids. Dr. Laura Schlesinger had this guilt ridden woman on her radio talk show a week or so ago. The poor woman told her she felt like she had to talk to her brother who molested her just because her parents and pastor told her to and were making her feel guilty about it. Dude was in jail and wanted to see his sister/victim. Dr. Laura set her straight and told her she owed the demon nothing and that her first duty as a woman and mother were to herself and her kids..not her molester, her parents nor the pastor. I hardly like that Dr. Laura but at least she did a good deed for that day.

ernestsewell said:

I think this is what happened with Kathy Griffin's family. Her brother (and initially her family) denied his problem and I think she ceased communicating entirely with him into adulthood until he died...

Mars23 said:

First, I think the issue is much bigger than Oprah , and second no one's comparing her to a clergy member or omnipotent figure to which one confesses one's sins. That's your terminology framing the context of the issue and the discussion she's providing a platform for, not everyone else's.

Why judge them for bringing the discussion to the table? What tells you that they haven't tried other avenues to work this out in an interpersonal setting, and that this isn't a way for them to reach out to others in a society where we sweep incest & sexual abuse under the rug, don't want to hear about it, don't want to encourage victims or perpetrators to speak out unless they are on the fringes of society (i.e. prostitutes, runaways, addicts, and so on). You see, if it's a broke down, fried-haired, missing toothed, rehabilitated society outcast to whom we want to give a platform and have them regale us with their tales of descent and deliverance...suddenly the symphathy,empathy, and public rally outcries come pourrrring in...

...but let it be a tale stemming from what we perceive to be a typical family:

...mother and father present (check)

...not living under extraordinarily adverse conditions and abject poverty (check)

...involves a person who is somehow held in esteem for a perceived talent, standing in society, and the like

then it's suddenly offensive or inappropriate to discuss the issue in a public forum that has the potential to reach millions and maybe inspire just one or two people to seek help...?

So are we then to move the focus away from the issue, and place the emphasis on the media personalities involved? It doesn't seem fair to the issue of incest and sexual abuse all across the board, but then that's just me
[Edited 4/20/10 0:30am]

DesireeNevermind said:

I just looked out my window to see if a pig was flying by because for once, I actually agreed with what Dr. Laura had to say, too

I don't think her brother counts as pedophile as he was still a child himself and I think that's important to remember when people are quick to wish this guy eternal hell.

Whatever his motivations talking about abuse can only ever be a positive thing. Monique's absence can also be a positive thing because it demonstrates that a confession just means you're taking responsibility for what you did and nothing else, there's no happy ending or sudden redemption.

I admire Monique's attitude. Hate always consumes, anger might pull through some of the fire but you'll end up getting burned yourself etc. Think the Angelou quote in my siggy sums it up perfectly as well.

AshK said:

I hear you, but I don't fully agree. He was older than her, by at least 10 years and at one point, he used food as a bribe. When you use something as cohersion, you know right from wrong. As to his statement of "he thought that it was normal behavior", didn't he grow up in his parents house. I am pretty sure that this behavior was not taking place in their household. Although judging by their parents reaction to the abuse, you would have to wonder if they "knew" what was going on and did not want to accept it or just did not know, for real.

AshK said:

shorttrini said:

Is this right? I thought he was only 5 or 6 years her senior and, himself, a victim of abuse. If this is true, then while he may have had experience and conscience enough to know this was "uncomfortable" territory, he honestly may not have had a complete grasp of -- much less the ethical example to forgo -- its level of egregiousness. I'm not making excuses for him, but the psychology of child victims-turned-perpetrators sometimes is devastated to the point that their thinking around the behavior may be virtually unfathomable to adults who can look at their situation and plainly realize WTH!?!

As for the household, I dunno if the parents knew what was going on, but I do get the impression it went on while the kids both lived with them. Mo'Nique said that when she finally got the courage to tell, they asked him to leave home... though did absolutely nothing else.
[Edited 4/20/10 7:14am]

shorttrini said:

I thought the age gap was smaller, on Mo'Nique's Wiki page it says 'he was 13 and she was around 7' Wiki isn't the most reliable of sources though so maybe you're right, it also goes on to say he spent 15 years in jail for sexually abusing another girl

I don't buy the coercion thing as proof he knew it was wrong, in fact quite often in abuse cases the perpetrator uses these bribes as proof their victim is compliant because they accepted them. My take on it is that if you're in that mindset where you are happy to manipulate your sister to take advantage of her sexually then you don't really care about what's right. And that's the problem.

I get what you're saying about the family though, but then I think most parents don't look at their kids and say to themselves ' I wonder if they dabble in incest'. Idk, I don't have kids so I'm just guessing...
[Edited 4/20/10 7:25am]

AshK said:

When my girlfriend told her parents about her brother molesting her, they accused her of "leading him on". Now tell me, how could a 6 year old, lead a 17 year old,(at the time) on? This is what bothers me the most about abuse cases, you blame the victim. My girlfriend's father passed, two years ago and she was able to make peace with him and her mom, for that matter. Still, she cannot understand why her parents did not believe her.

shorttrini said:

It happens all the time. When my family found out I was molested by a family member, I was told basically to pretend that it never happened, because we all need to go on as before.

PunkMistress said:

That's telling... and sad. I bet it's not that most families truly disbelieve the allegations, but that disbelief is really a facade for an inability to manage the belief -- because it might mean turning everyone's lives upside down. Seems a way of sacrificing the victim (whose life already has been turned upside down) for the blissful ignorance of all other parties.
[Edited 4/20/10 7:52am]

shorttrini said:

It's really common. There are all sorts of social and psychological theories as to why people blame the victim. One reason is that it's a defence mechanism, the idea of this abuse happening to you is so frightening that you put the blame on the victim (unconsciously) so that the threat to you seems less great. I don't think any of that matters when you're hurting though.

Lammastide said:

I think that's it exactly.

While it did have an effect on me (toughened me considerably, and instilled in me a belief that nobody will protect or keep me safe me but myself), I don't have anger toward my family for being unable or unwilling to accept the truth. I believe he molested some of them, too, but that's another story.

But yes, it is a way of sacrificing the victim for the comfort of others. Poetically stated, Lammastide.

Here is my question...As the boyfriend of an abuse victim, how do I control my emotions? I tell you, there are times when I wanna.....You have NO IDEA!! She has very little self confedence, yet she is very good at writing music. It kills me when she puts herelf down to the point where she wants to give up.

PunkMistress said:

Interesting. No way in the world that gets ignored in my house.

shorttrini said:

Compassion is a tough thing to navigate, eh? My prayers go out for all parties involved.

Immediately, though, my thought is that your role would have you honor who your wonderful girlfriend is now (and has the potential to become) vs. who her perpetrator was years ago. Follow her lead in helping her process what fallout lingers, but neither wallow nor allow her to do so. As long as you do, the violation continues to live and work, I think.

Lammastide said:

I agree. There are times when she blames herself and I go, "Hey!, none of that!". But, sometimes I step back and think to myself, "That bastard, how could he have hurt such a beautiful person".

shorttrini said:

Is this guy still in her life?

Lammastide said:

He lives in Belize. She recently went there on business and saw him for the first time in 4 years. She told me that it was like she was a little girl all over again. At one point, the family including him, had all gathered for a outing. My girlfriend was with one of her nieces when all of the sudden, he invited the niece to take a walk with him. My girl had such a fit, she grabbed her niece and hauled ass back to where the other family members were. She then told her brother,( her niece's father, what was going on). Needless to say, the accused was asked to leave and that was the end of that.

At least he admitted it. Most women never get an admission and are plagued by that their whole life.

shorttrini said:

Wow! Well, sounds like she did the right thing. Was this the first time she'd told this other brother what happened to her when she was little?

Lammastide said:

No. In fact, she is the only girl of 12 and all believe her except for her pop. Her mom is in denial.

Ottensen said:

Every once in a blue moon she hits a home run.

What irked me about that whole "confession" was that this dude (Mo's brother) still doesn't get that he is/was a monster for what he did and that no matter his sister's success...she carried a lot of pain with her and probably still does. Sexual violation is something people can put behind them but they never forget or truly get over it. They manage their lives as best they can. This brother struck me as totally insincere and the other brother was just self-important and smug as if he was the family attorney or some crap. No wonder Mo'Nique doesn't talk to any of them anymore.

missfee said:

I agree. Shame on Ms. Winfrey for paticapating in this farce. I didn't see her show and I never shall. If Mo'Nique brother truly cared he could've written his sister a letter or asked a third party to convey his willingness to fess up to his evil deeds and apologize. But no, he's still trying to be manipulativie and Ms. Winfrey for her part saw this as a source for entertaiment / ratings. If she says anything different, she's a lying ass.

^ Absolutely agree.


She had the nerve to ask Mo to participate in that circus. The brother is piece of shit then and now. A media whore is born ever fuckin' minute .

DesireeNevermind said:

No, she asked Mo's blessing on going forward with the show, as she didn't want to offend Mo and her story. That's not in defense of Oprah, it's in support of Mo's decision.

ernestsewell said:

I'll watch the opening again. I swore it sounded like she asked Mo to participate and Mo declined. Oprah still tacky as hell for doing this. I think SHE did it because Mo won the Oscar.

DesireeNevermind said:

She could have asked that. I was concentrating on Mo's blessing to Oprah to go ahead with the show without her. I do think that if Mo said "Oprah I'd rather you not do that. It's over for me, let's not drag it out," that Oprah would have said "cool" to that and not done the show.

And you know if Gerald wasn't on Oprah's show, he would have ended up on E.T., The Insider, or sold his story to The Enquirer, etc.