I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. (Salvador Dali)

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

He who can does - he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't. (Arthur Gore)

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. (Mark Twain)

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

You mean apart from my own. (Zsa Zsa Gabor, asked how many husbands she had had)

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short
enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover
the essentials. (Ronald Knox)

Thank God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)

ROFLMAO!
However, Zero stars!

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. (Mae West)

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the human anatomy...until I thought "Yeah, but look what's telling me that..."~~Emo Phillips

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

wellbeyond said: