Looking for advice here.....My mother has turned into a miserable person. In life I have realized it is too short to argue, be drama filled, be unkind and a gossip.
In my mother's age she has done just the opposite. She is the "pot stirrer", the "nasty person".
Usually I do whatever it takes to avoid conflict w/ her. She is my mother and I don't want to argue w/ her so it's best just to listen and be done w/ it.
Recently however she asked my opinion on something a few people have expressed conflict w/ and I was honest. Well this turned into her screaming and so on. I stayed calm and just expressed the obvious but ofcourse now everyone is ganging up on her.
I've tried to always be positive and tell her "life is what you make it", "put positive in the universe and you shall recieve it back" etc. etc. I even bought her the book "The Secret" (she never read it) thinking this would help.
My dilema, my mom is no spring chicken and I just want to see her happy. Is this possible when a person is never wrong and doesn't want to hear anything from anyone that points in the direction that they are not perfect?
Her husband (not my Dad) has suggested counseling and she refuses. She refuses to give anything a try that may make things better and instead will make comments like "I'm not bowing down to them"!!
UGGHH!! Help.

You might start by not referring to your mother as "an old bitch."

Genesia said:

I wasn't. Was just a "catchy title" to get attention.
I have more respect then that. Was just looking for some advice.
Thought twice about the title but figured for the most part people would know that that's all it was once they read the body of the message.

shortnsweet said:

Catchy, huh? Okay. But I have to wonder how much respect you really have for your mother if you'd refer to her that way in public and to a bunch of strangers. "No spring chicken" isn't any better.

You "just expressed the obvious." Really? Clearly, what you think is "obvious" isn't, to her. What was the "obvious" you expressed? "Mom, everyone thinks you're a bitch." Yeah, that'd make me want to change, for sure!

"Life is what you make it," "put positive in the universe and you shall receive it back"? Are you serious? If anyone (especially someone whose shitty diapers I once changed) came at me with ridiculous platitudes like that, I'd laugh in their face and tell them to buzz off.

Oh - and just out of curiosity, are all these people pointing out to your mother that she's not perfect, perfect themselves? Maybe they should concentrate on their own journey and leave your mom alone.

There's not a thing you can do. From what you've said, your mother doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. That is not a prescription for change.

Genesia said:

Nevermind.
[Edited 3/19/10 11:01am]

PurpleRighteous1 said:

Thank you for your kind advice. I totally agree w you when you say the only thing you can change is yourself. I have taken steps to be able to get along w/ her it just hurts to see her relationships w/ everyone else around her failing. All I want is for her to be happy and she clearly isn't.I never told her she was a nasty person, I can't. I don't even know if she realizes it but I do know she wonders what happens to her friendships and her marriage is failing. I would hate to see her left alone. She will always have me, it's her happines I'd love to help her find.....

The one thing you might do is to find out when your mom had her last physical. If her behavior has changed (and be honest - has it changed or was she always like this?), there may be an underlying physical problem. Stroke can cause personality changes. Menopause can, too.

Genesia said:

She really hasn't always been like this. She is passed menopause and went to the gyno a few months ago. I'm not an expert but was thinking maybe a chemical or hormonal imbalance or something? My brother won't even talk to her anymore. Very sad....They were always so close.

shortnsweet said:

She might be just tired and frustrated with the things that are going on with her life right now, and really can't express it as such. My mom, sometimes acts this way.Sometimes it is just frustration. She is an active 78 year old retired nurse. The thing is, she misses working. She misses, not being asked her opinion things. So, I try and asked for her input on things that I am doing try to get her talking about how things were like when she was a child. Sounds like, she is feeling left out. Telling her things like "Life is what you make it", is showing her that you are REALLY not listening to her, but just spewing out cliche's. When you are in those kind of spirits, that is the last thing one wants to hear. Lastly, tell her you that you "love her". Not with the intention of hearing it back, but with then intention of her hearing it often. To her, you are just like "Everybody else", who thinks she nasty and mean.
[Edited 3/19/10 12:13pm]
[Edited 3/19/10 12:17pm]

shortnsweet said:

It could be any number of things. The problem is, everyone's telling your mom she's the problem. She probably doesn't even realize she's changed. All she knows is that the way people treat her has changed. It's probably confusing and depressing for her.

Sounds like there's been a lot of confrontational behavior toward her, which would make anyone defensive. Maybe it's time to approach it a little more gently.

shorttrini said:

You are a wise man.

Genesia said:

I have just been through it, that's all.

I completely understand where shortnsweet is coming from. At one point I thought it was my mom being described. She can be a challenge sometimes, but I love her dearly and want to see her happy, too. I have thought that depression might play a big part in attitude and behavior, but she swears she's not depressed. When she telephones me bitching about some insult or slight she's suffered (from someone else, not me), I try to explain to her that she might have been over reacting and to not take things so seriously, when all she really wanted to do was vent. When I finally realized that, I shut up and just listened. Did it change anything? No. But I could tell she got the shit off her chest and felt a bit better.

Genesia said:

You have a valid point

shorttrini said:

and his mom is one cool ass chick trust me..

shortnsweet said:

ITA with the above.

If your mother is going to change, she has to learn the hard way. It sounds like this woman won't learn her lesson until she has driven everyone away.

IAintTheOne said:

Thanks Ness...Yes, she can get on my last nerve, but she is my heart.

Genesia said:

Hmmmmm, don't remember saying everyone said to her she was the "problem". And here we go w/ the title I chose again. LOL
What a mistake. And another thing. I'm not consistant w/ my posting but I never thought I was coming to "strangers" either. It's cool.

Sounds like you've figured out a way of approaching life that works for you. I admire you for that.

It's sad when people we care about can't do that for themselves, and of course we can't do it for them.

PunkMistress said:

Very sweet. TY!!